Chapter 7

This time Kurt wasn´t powerful enough to draw up a façade. The single thing he could do was sit up to avoid looking even weaker when Finn came in that afternoon. Too late he managed to smile and it faltered when he saw Finn´s confusion replaced by anger because of his lying. For hours he had simmered in self-pity and mindless plans on how to be right again and that alone had exhausted him further. To the point where he felt like crying and complaining about everything to his brother, who now had thrown his backpack on the floor and sat down next to Kurt.

“Hey, you alright?” He asked attentively.”You are really pale.”

Kurt wet his lip before sinking back into the sofa with a sigh.”I don´t know, maybe I have come down with the flu. Don´t worry though, I will make soup for dinner and let it do its magic and I will be as good as new by tomorrow.”

Tomorrow, he would be able to pretend to be again at least. He would swear of the drugs, that he knew he wasn´t addicted to, not really. They numbed him when he needed it the most, made him feel desire and content when having sex with sweaty men pawing at him and fucking him. His body however did not crave the pills like his mind did and for now he wasn´t sure if either was a good sign. It would hit harder later he assumed.

Finn stood up, hands clenched and face set in stony features that spoke of his determination.”Don´t worry, bro. I will take care of you!”

“Finn, don´t be ridiculous, it´s just the flu. Go and do your homework and I will prepare dinner in the meantime.”He made a move to stand up. ”Which one would you prefer, peas or carrots because it will be either and you only get to choose the lesser evil.”

“You don´t understand.” Finn yelled at him, kicking the ottoman opposite of the couch.”You never understand!”
Kurt sank back into the couch.“Understand what, Finn? You need to eat vegetables as well, get over it.”

“There, that is just it! You don´t understand.” Kurt covered his ears that were irritated by his brother´s loud voice.”It´s not about the damn vegetables and it´s not about the stupid dinner anyways.” He lowered his voice once he saw Kurt´s distress and slowly sat himself onto the ottoman as if deflating alongside his anger. “It´s about how I am old enough to help you out but you can´t see that.When will you understand that I am no longer a kid.”

Kurt scoffed but tears prickled in his eyes.”You still play with action figures and watch cartoons in the mornings and crawl into my bed when you can´t sleep. You are a kid and that is fine. I can provide for the both of us.”

“I stopped playing with them over two years ago.” Finn said and Kurt jus knew he was lying.”And so what I watch cartoons, I bet many adults do.”

“What about the tiger pet you take with you everywhere you go?”

“I haven´t done that for such a long time.”

Kurt rolled his eyes at that, flinching at the headache that flared up because of it.”You just took it with you when you slept at Puck´s last week. And that is okay. Enjoy being a kid while you can, Finn. Soon enough you will be forced out of it and there is no way back.”

For a moment he thought he had finally gotten through to his baby brother. Finn´s lips were pressed tightly together and the silence was a blessing for Kurt´s head. Then, as if it burst out of him, Finn stood up once more and announced.”Because you put it into my bag. You still buy me stupid toys for toddlers and I pretend like I am happy about that when I am so not.”
“What?” Kurt breathed, sitting up.
“You honestly think that a twelve year old still wants to wear dinosaur pyjamas? I don´t, but I wear them it because it makes you happy. I pretend to still like Powerrangers because I know you expect me to but I am like, really getting tired of all that. I even make up stories about the characters since you wouldn´t know better anyways.” He looked at Kurt pleadingly, willing him to understand.”I am old enough.”

Kurt couldn´t hold in a sniff then. Hunter´s words today had left him feeling worthless but they had not broken his heart like Finn´s words did. Finn was the only thing really mattering to him and no stupid title of being a Lucky One meant anything if it did not help the only person Kurt loved.

“Yes, you are a kid.” He tried in a feeble attempt. Lower, voice broken,”You should be a kid.”

Finn groaned overly loudly and covered his face with both hands. Between fawned out fingers he finally looked at Kurt after what felt like an eternity. “How do you define a kid?” He finally asked.”Because I know your answer will not be that a kid has to spend most of the time alone in the apartment, because the only family he has left is constantly working o something he keeps a secret. That it has to clean the place besides doing the homework. That every kid remembers being hated so much by their parents that it is beaten up and has to watch its brother try to protect him and be beaten up as well.”
“Finn, you remember?” Kurt said with a sob. His brother nodded with a sad expression but presses on.
“That a kid has spent the last two days dragging his big brother into the shower because he can´t walk or move by himself. Which of those things spell childhood to you?”

Breaking down now would be the worst possible time but Kurt´s emotions were all over the place and alongside the shock of Finn´s revelation he felt the humiliation of it. The last two days were a blur but Finn having to wash him was not among the things he remembers. That he had to do that among all the things Finn named, finally opened Kurt´s eyes. The kid he has hold onto so tightly is gone, had been an illusion for such a long time and even though he knew Finn was far from grown up, he is also no longer a child. Nothing had ever caused Kurt so much pain as knowing this. Growing up meant pain, sex and dread to Kurt but there Finn was, faintly smiling as he sat down next to Kurt and took his brother in his arms.

He felt much bigger than Kurt remembered him being and his voice was very squeaky and wrong and Kurt wondered if his mind had made up more than he could imagine it ever would. It made being hugged by him feel like he was the little brother for a change and that caused him to sob even harder. Finn held him tight, not saying anything and for once Kurt found reassurance in the familiarity of it. In the long limbed, thin arms of his brother he finally calmed down after some time, holding on to the hope that history would not repeat itself.

“I am sorry I said all of that.” Finn broke the silence.

“It´s true though.” Kurt replied and disentangled himself to look him into the eyes.”I didn´t want you to grow up and I apologize for pressuring you to do all that. From now on you can tell me what you really like and I will treat you like the teenager you are, is that a deal?”

“Deal!” Finn said and squeezed him tightly.”There is this Nerf gun I really want and it´s my birthday in three days and if I got that I could shoot Puck whenever he tries to wrestle with me! That´s be super awesome.”

Kurt felt his lips lift up in a smile and he nodded. He knew better than to interrupt Finn when he spoke about things that excited him and Kurt gladly listened to it. By the end of his rambling he did not want to but their earlier conversation still clung to his every bone and he feared that if he didn´t let it out now, he never would.

“Thank you, Finn. For always helping me with keeping the apartment clean and for being understanding that I have to work overtime most nights.” He took a deep breath, quietly shuffling away from Finn in shame.”And thank you for taking care of me the last two days. I was kind of out of it and I don´t recall what happened so just- Thanks.”

It was Finn´s turn to slide further away and he looked uncomfortable. Kurt didn´t know him as someone so affected by compliments but his confusion was lifted when Finn spoke up.
“Actually I wanted to ask you something about that.”Finn avoided his gaze and kneaded his hands.”When- uhm- when you were in the shower and I cleaned you, there was this uhm, thing with your thing-“
“What?”

“You know the thing?”
Kurt narrowed his eyes, trying to make sense of what was said.”Finn, just get it out. What thing?”
“Your thingy? P-Penis.”

The world stopped for an eternity and rushed back to its normal setting far too quickly, making it hard to catch up. Kurt´s head swam and every thought eluded him when he tried to catch a hold of it. Penis. Finn wanted to talk about his penis. There was only one explanation and Kurt had never hated the effects of the drugs as much as he did in that moment. In a moment the flight instinct took over he stood up, before he quickly sat down again.
Finn would either want to have the talk or he would ask very embarrassing things and Kurt wasn´t sure he preferred one over the other. How do you explain to your brother that you get an erection when something arouses you and still assure him that in no way his erection had been related to his brother?
Kurt was sure no book would help him with that. Only bolting from the scene would do but there´s no way he´d go through with that.
“Okay? Okay.” Kurt took a deep breath, burying his hands in his hair.”Okay!”

Finn fidgeted beside him, clearly just as uncomfortable.”I was, you know, wondering if it was like normal for it be all…not soft?”Like an afterthought he swiftly added.”Because mine does that in the mornings and then it kind of can hurt but also…not hurt. And all my friends boast about it but they all don´t know as well and I think they make up stuff- yeah.”

“Don´t they teach you that in school?”
“They haven´t yet.” Finn said.”So do you know?”

Kurt knew of course, even though with his condition, he couldn´t really say much about being aroused. As a teenager he had had sex every day so at least his body was never sexually frustrated and he never had felt the need to learn more about his body when all he needed to know was to lie there and take it wherever people demanded.

To his best of abilities, he tried to explain things to Finn though. That it was normal to grow hair or get zits. It was normal to get an erection in the morning and to masturbate. He was glad that Finn was as eager as he was to get it over with and he told him about protection and STD´s glossing over the pats of the female body he knew nothing about and focusing on the part he knew how to do.

Protecting his baby brother.

For the reminder of the evening he reluctantly let Finn cook in the kitchen, guiding him through the recipe and afterwards they didn´t say much, both very embarrassed about today´s topics. By the end of the day Kurt lay awake reading all about heterosexual sex and about growing up for boys so that he could inform his brother if the need should arouse.

He was determined for that conversation to happen and hoped it could wait for a few more years. In no way he would let Hunter lay his hands on Finn. Maybe his baby brother could get the chance of what the internet described as the closest bond and the most pleasurable feeling in the world. For Kurt sex felt sickening and wrong.

X

Kurt woke with a start as he registered the ringing of his phone. A loud sigh escaped his lips but he noticed feeling much better than yesterday. His appetite had returned finally and though his body ached in places he was used to, he felt more like himself. He just needed to gain weight again, because while he surely did not look like a skeleton yet, his ribs did protrude a bit and his skin needed to be taken care of´.

And Kurt needed a drink and a cigarette.

The phone call ended unanswered after a while and he closed his eyes in protest of the sun. In the light of say he remembered parts of the last days and right as his ringtone sounded again, he recalled the thoughts about Blaine his brain had allowed itself. About how gentle his touches always were, as if Kurt was precious and in need of being taken care of. The way Blaine´s eyes were filled with an emotion Kurt denied himself feeling but couldn´t help but be hypnotized by. The feeling of Blaine´s lips that seldom spoke of lust and always found his like they were meant to. For no reason but to be close and taste and feel.

But most of all, Kurt had thought about his own feelings that were much more confusing now than they had been yesterday. Why was he eager to hear from Blaine, or see his smile or wish for the lies he told him to be true? They were still lies, whispered against Blaine´s skin and more often than not he hated what Blaine was. Just maybe not who he was. Not just money and fame but friendliness and devotion.

Surely liking Blaine was a lie.

Surely liking Blaine was a lie no more.

Whatever it was, Kurt had no mind to further think about that matter. There were more pressing things to be done to Blaine that he needed to do, because his plan had a new schedule. A month at best, then he had to have Blaine completely wrapped around his finger. The first step would start tonight if he played everything right.

He called Blaine back first, rolling his eyes at the repeated announcement of all the horror scenarios Blaine had made up when Kurt had not replied to him. That was why he could never truly like someone. He had enough to worry about as it was.

“Well, as you see, I am neither dead nor have I had the intention of breaking up with you. Nor am I a spy for the art competition, even though that is a legit worry, having seen your art.” That one was only partly a lie. Blaine was a good artist, not that Kurt would have told him for any other reason than sucking up to him.”And I really plan to make it up to you tonight.”

Blaine laughed lightly into the phone. “You better bring your nail kit, I wasn´t kidding about biting them off and I don´t want to go to the saloon when I know your just as good or better.”

“I wasn´t exactly planning on that being my mean of apology but that can still be included afterwards.”

“So? What is it that your brilliant mind has come up with?”
“Are you alone?” Kurt asked, glancing over to the door to make sure it was locked as well. His tone got quieter when he received a breathy ´yes´.”Good. Because I wouldn´t want anyone else to know all the things you will tell me now.”

“What things, Kurt?”

“Things you want me to do.” His voice dropped a bit, got huskier.”Any desire you have kept secret from me or from everyone. Anything that you dream of in the depth of the night while you stroke yourself to my image. Things that make your toes curl, desires I can fulfill better than the fantasy of yours can.”
“Kurt.” Blaine moaned, no doubt getting hard in his tight fitting suit.”I can´t- I will have to go to work in a few minutes.”

Kurt frowned. He had been determined for his plan to work, so he just continued pressing the issue.”What is your deepest desire, Blaine?” He said softly.”Me riding you? Having sex with me in public, keeping me on my toes because the possibility of someone walking by and seeing is a thrill for us?” He paused, making his voice come out higher. “Is it punishing your naughty student in a uniform that has defied his teacher? You tying me to the bedpost and me being at your mercy while you deny me to come until Sir gives me permission?” He heard Blaine´s breath come quicker and grinned. Nailed it.”Yes, you want something like that, right? You want ropes and a cane, correcting my naughty behavior while I am sprawled over your lap where you can beat me till I cry because you message my cherry red asscheeks. Then yo9u order me to kneel and let me service you while you drive your big cock relentlessly into my willing mouth, not allowing me to suck, just pushing in over and over until I gag, but you won´t stop. You won´t stop until your good little boy has swallowed every drop of it. I will be good, Sir.”

“Kurt, please, that is not-“

“Then, when I begged you long and hard, you actually consider fucking me. You won´t give in before that. You will watch me prep myself on top of your body until you can´t wait any longer and roughly replace my fingers with your huge cock-“

“Oh god.” Blaine said in a high voice.

Kurt listened to quiet moans erupting from him, patiently waiting for Blaine to finally get off by his own hand and ask him to come over right now. No, command him to come over. Kurt knew those men, power-hungry assholes who lusted after men weak enough to make them feel stronger. He could do that. Everyone else already treated him like the low-llife he was.

 Blaine´s breathes came quicker after a few minutes but Kurt didn´t expect to hear his name moaned. He bit down on his lips, blushing and waited for Blaine to return to the phone. Suddenly he didn't feel as comfortable any more.
“Is that what you want?” He still continued persuasively.”Sir?”

Blaine still breathed heavily into the phone and took some time before answering, ”Yes.”
“Great-“
“And no.” Blaine went on.”I am not really into the Bdsm thing.”
“I remember you just getting off on that a minute ago.” Said Kurt snappishly.

For a moment it was silent enough to make Kurt believe Blaine had hung up. It was all the louder even though Blaine´s voice was hushed when he answered.
“I want you to top. I dream about you teasing me to the point where I am so frustrated I try to get off on rubbing against the sheets until you still my body. I will beg and beg you to finally do something, to fuck me but you will refuse and I finger myself before you finally give in and don´t hold back at fucking me. Roughly and relentlessly so that I need to hold on to the bed posts to not be pummeled into the mattress but we both enjoy it so much that everyone hears us moan out each other's names.” He broke off and Kurt was rendered speechless.”Fuck, I can´t believe I actually said that.”

Kurt couldn´t believe it either. For seven years. He had been raped daily for seven years and not once anyone had wanted him to top. Sebastian sometimes bragged about it, how men came in all confident and wanting to fuck him, but ending up with his cock up their asses. Kurt had grimaced at that, doubting the honesty of Sebastian´s words. Kurt´s only variety in clients were those rough or extra rough. Those wanting him on his back and those wanting him on his stomach. Karofsky wanting him in lingerie and dresses, in high heels and make up because then he could pretend he wasn´t gay when he fucked Kurt´s ass.

Kurt had never thought anyone would ask him to top. Especially not Blaine, who he deemed as such a power-hungry, stupid rich guy. Blaine however, liked to do the opposite of what Kurt expected more often than not. This had to be the worst case though.

“Are you still there?” Blaine asked.”We don´t have to do any of that of course. It was just a stupid idea.”

“No.” Kurt assured him, even though he clenched his pillow tight to his body in uneasiness.”I was just surprised, that is all.”

“It´s okay if that is not your thing. I enjoy our sex either way.”

A bit of tension faded from him because of how genuine Blaine sounded. Like it didn´t matter what he desired as long as Kurt was happy. That was definitely a first. It only made Kurt want to go through with the plan even more.

“Don´t come until I am at your place at 8. I will reconsider fucking you if I am in the mood for it then.”

“I- Of course. See you then.”

X

He had Nick watching over Finn that night and knew that they would stay up playing video games and watching cartoon. This partly grown up brother of his that he couldn´t see as child anymore and an acquaintance. Another birthday was right around the corner and he had planned to spent the night at Blaine´s and then to go shopping for Finn´s present. There he would take step two that already made him nervous now. Not as nervous as he was now at dinner with Blaine, where he forced himself to eat twice as much as he usually did.

They popped in a movie after that, Kurt cuddling close to Blaine while his heart was racing against his thoughts. He had never topped before, so how will he be able to keep Blaine interested in the one thing Kurt is usually good at?
Blaine laughed at whatever was on the screen and Kurt finally had enough and leant over to kiss him to get it over with. He undressed Blaine swiftly, like men do with him, and switched off the TV with the other hand.

Blaine´s eyes were closed, his cheeks flushed and his lips are partly opened when he sat up to find Kurt´s mouth again. It was frantic and wet and unlike the sex they had had and yet still always gentle. With every button popped open and with more skin exposed, Blaine got needier. It was nothing like Kurt had imagined it would go. Blaine was still very much in charge, letting his hands run over Kurt´s body and pull at his clothes until they came undone and yet it felt different. Like he needed Kurt, but he needed him to help him let go.

Kurt gulped down his worries and started with what he knew best. Blaine was naked and hard in seconds, Kurt leaning over him not quite close enough to touch but close enough to breathe in the same air. Kurt´s forehead rested on Blaine´s whenever they didn´t kiss and at the warm feeling in his stomach when their eyes met, he closed his. One hand was tempted to just go down and stroke Blaine´s erection, but Kurt knew Blaine wanted to be teased first. So he did, tweaking Blaine´s right nipple, then his left, kissing him and pulling away when Blaine ran his tongue over the seams of his lips and lifting his body when Blaine seeked friction.

“Patience, Blaine.” Kurt said lowly.”You will take what I give when I choose to give it.”