So that plan about not breaking down?

Didn't work out.

At three in the morning, I found myself pulled off the highway, hyperventilating and shaking like an earthquake. I couldn't breathe and yet I was breathing all too much. My head was resting into my tucked up knees, the lights passing by didn't help to ebb my dizziness. All I could think of were the past christmases, with my grandparents chiding me for being a "terribly girly little boy who could never amount to anything", of my uncle's disapproving looks, of my cousin's refusing to talk with me.

Of my father beating me senseless once everyone left on christmas day.

After about an hour, my vision stopped swaying and my chest stopped stuttering enough for me to drive relatively safely. I was still shivering like a person with too much caffeine in their blood, but I untucked my knees from my chest, stepped on the gas, and drove. Downtown Columbus was eerie at four in the morning, the streetlights lit everywhere but the allies, creating the illusion of a cloudy day, but all the people were missing. I drove until I reached the old mansion, slipping inside as quiet as a jellyfish (the perk to staying out all night is that I could come home after my father had gone to bed), sneaking some provisions out of the kitchen, and looking myself up in my own prison.

•••

When I woke up the next morning around noon, it was hard to believe that I could already be this depressed when, less than twelve hours ago, I had almost kissed the most beautiful boy in the world.

I couldn't get him out of my head, not that that was especially unusual, but every thought led me straight back to Kurt. I wondered how soft his lips would be on mime, if his eyelashes were long enough to tickle the bone of my cheek, if he could make my legs buckle, my head spin, have sparks fly up my back. And then I though of something that I hadn't wanted, hadn't dared to think in so long.

I wondered if he could make me feel warm.

My wonderland of the finer points of kissing was interrupted by the dinging of my phone. It had been sending off noises for awhile now, but it finally got to the point where I could no longer ignore it. I had about five thousand messages, or so it seemed. Honestly, I had seen everyone just last night, what could the already have to say to me? Not THAT much could happen in one morning.

Apparently, for my friends, it could.

Simon: Oh my freaking god Blaine!!!! She already texted me!!!!

Me: then why are you ignoring her to text me?

Simon: That is a good point! But I really just had to tell you!!!!

Me: all the exclamation points are going to make my drive a screw through my hand.

Simon: sorry...I'm just so happy that at least one girl doesn't think I am clinically insane!

Me: well yeah, that's good. Though I don't think any girl has ever actually said that.

Simon: Emmeline Derek said I was in the fourth grade.

Me: I don't know who that is, but she doesn't sound all that nice.

Simon: she scarred me into permanently being socially awkward for the rest of my life by her hateful comments.

Me: sorry man...seriously though, that was fourth grade, I bet if you weren't so scared of all the girls you would be getting thousands of date offers everyday.

Simon: remind me again when I ever said I was scared of women?

Me: I have a feeling that I should not answer that question. Go text Luci.

Simon: right...Luci. Bye.

I left Simon to Luci (or girlfriend? Who knows...) and then ventured on to my other texts, which were all from a Junior Warbler group text. I read through the previous messages so I had some idea what they were talking about (currently betting on how many cupcakes David ate last night...David, apparently, was still asleep).

Trent: I'm betting five.

Nick: He was at that Table ALL night, there is no way that he has enough self control to only eat five.

Jeff: true statement.

Thad: ok then, I'm betting twelve.

Nick: why don't we text him until he wakes up and then ask him?

Thad: YESS!

Nick: here we go...Oh Daaaviiiid!

Jeff: that's creepy, nick.

Thad: David! We're going to text you until your phone wakes you up! So you might want to skip all the annoying rings and just get up now!

Thad: no? Ok.

Thad: David

Thad: hey David.

Thad: what up D?

Trent: while Thad is annoying David, anyone know where Wes went.

Me: he's probably trying to ignore your incessant immaturity

Jeff: ohmygod! Blaine! You're up!

Me: yup

Wes: Blaine's right

Nick: aw, come on Wes, help us wake up David! Pleeeaaase.

Wes: no way, I have my morals

Nick: whatever man, miss out on the fun.

Thad: yo, man, wake up

Trent: please wake up David, I'd like to know how many cupcakes you ate.

Me: hey David!

Jeff: DAVID!!! DAVID!!!

Nick: Wakey wakey David

Jeff: now THAT has the potential to be creepy Nick.

David: oh my god! Take me off this group message thing! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

Wes: they want to know how many cupcakes you ate.

David: I think I ate seventeen, but I could be wrong. Happy now?! Yes, yes you are. MAKE MY PHONE STOP RINGING.

Jeff: okey dokey, bye David, sleep well.

Me: anyone heard from Kurt?

Wes: he was on here earlier, I think he went to make lunch...

Me: is it that time already?

Thad: better question. Do you miss him already?

Nick: of course Blaine misses him already, they were making heart eyes at each other all of last night.

Jeff: don't even try to deny it man.

Trent: I think they're cute.

Nick: must we continue our squid argument from last night Trent?

Trent: someday I'm going to find a cute squid just for you.

Jeff: not just any cute squid. You have to find us a cute ZOMBIFIED squid.

Trent: someday...

Me: I'll talk to you later guys, I'm gonna go call Kurt.

Thad: bye Lover Boy!

Me: yeah, yeah

Jeff: ooh! He no longer denies it!

Nick: WE'VE FINALLY CAUGHT YOU! YES!

Me: yeah, shut up, see ya.

It was unnerving how I could switch from being frightened out of my wits, to perfectly light hearted the next moment.

It scared me.

Me: Hey Kurt.

Me: Kurt?

Me: are you making lunch?

Kurt: I'd ask your opinion on wether I should make tomato bisque or salmon for lunch, but I know you hate fish and you probably don't know what a bisque is.

Me: oh you are there! Hi! For the record? A bisque is a creamy type of soup.

Kurt: I am impressed.

Me: you should be.

Kurt: ah, what humble friends I have.

Me: how's life since I saw you a couple of hours ago? Apparently all the other guys have had fabulously interesting mornings.

Kurt: oh they're just gossips. My morning was fine.

Me: have you found a use for your lovely new salt shaker?

Kurt: nope, but I did find a sticker that says it came from that Best Pizza Express place in Westerville, proof that we have a thieving friend.

Me: I think that came from Christopher.

Kurt: ooh, a rouge freshman

Me: so what are you making? That creamy soup or a hideous fishy stuff

Kurt: the bisque, just for you.

Me: aaaw (blush)

Kurt: mainly because I was impressed that you actually knew what it was.

Me: hey, just because I can't cook doesn't mean that I don't know anything about fancy foods.

Kurt: what is Tomme de Savoie?

Me: umm...

Kurt: hah!

Me: are you actually going to tell me what it is?

Kurt: see you should learn to cook!

Me: Kuuurt

Kurt: Blaine Devoooon

Me: what is this Tomme stuff

Kurt: it's a French cheese.

Me: oh, I thought it was going to be something awesome, like, I don't know, chocolate cake

Kurt: nope, it's a cheese

Me: have you noticed that we always seem to be discussing food?

Kurt: we are boys, it's in our hormones

Me: you never seem to eat anything Kurt.

Kurt: fine, so it's in your hormones

Kurt: how's home?

Freak.

Me: it's fine, what about you?

Kurt: don't change the subject. How's home?

Me: it's fine

Kurt: then how are you?

Me: fine

Kurt: don't lie

Me: ...

Kurt: Blaine?

Me: better now that I'm talking to you

Kurt: I can live with that

Me: I hope so

Kurt: if you ever need anything call or come over ok?

Me: yeah

Kurt: the water is finally boiling. I've got to go ok?

No, I don't want you to go.

Me: ok, see ya

Kurt: I'll text you later.

Me: alright, have fun eating fancy foods.

Kurt: will do.

•••

Two and a half days later, after long hours of texting, and longer hours wrapped up in living nightmares, I ran out of food. I noticed this after a particularly long nightmare during an afternoon nap. I woke up sweating, still shaken from the memories that were still so real, and even if eating was the very last thing I wanted to do, all I could picture was Kurt's worried glances and Wes' hand forcing food into my own. I looked through my dresser for the remains of my meager provisions, but they were quite well gone and eaten. After waiting ages until I figured I could risk a trip downstairs, I tiptoed through the house towards the pantry. I had just finished grabbing some crackers and granola bars, when the light snapped on.

Nononono....

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just getting something to eat..." I ducked my head against my mothers sickened glare.

"Why?"

"So I don't starve."

"If you behaved like a real boy, you could eat dinner with us and not steal out of the pantry." Real boy? Steal? Really?

"I can't change who I am."

"Of course you can."

"No, mother, I can't. I can't help who I am, I can't help that you choose to hate me for it. Please let me go."

"Such a disappointment. Sometimes I think it would have been better to follow my sister and remain childless."

That stung, hard.

"I'm sorry I disappoint." I whispered sadly.

"Your father will want to see you."

"I-do I have to?"

"Stop being a coward, take it like a young man should." A mother should not say such things to her child.

She swept out of the kitchen while I , stupidly, waited for my fate. How could I run when I was terrorized by blinding fear?

"Your mother said you were being disrespectful."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Shut up, you're sickening."

I didn't say another word after that.

The back of my head was slammed into the pantry door until I felt sick with vertigo, my back felt like it had been run over by a jet plane from all the times my spine hit the door handle. I couldn't think straight, everything hurt and nothing seemed real. It was one of my nightmares coming to life. My only saving grace was that my father did not currently have his belt on, so while I would bruise and knot, I would not bleed.

At least not tonight.

I don't remember when it all stopped, I just remember a foot coming down on my shoulder and a hissed warning to "behave yourself when the family arrives, or you will be sorry you even took a breath in this world." I laid, splayed out on the tile floor of the pantry, trying not to let the pounding of my head overtake all of my senses. I managed to stop dry heaving long enough to slide myself across the floor to the food boxes, the crawl my way upstairs with the last of my adrenaline. With two day left until Christmas Eve, I fell into bed with a black bruised spine, two lumps on my head, and a new ghost to slither through my sleep.

•••

After lonely two days spent lying in bed and taking as many pain medicines as possible without hurting myself more or breaking the law, Christmas Eve dawned with the promise of dreadfulness.

My back still hurt, but my head just had a knot. No one bothered to ask what happened, they either didn't care, or were scared of the answer (not that they would actually get the truth if they asked). As more and more family members arrived, I was stationed at the door to hang up all the coats and scarves and bags, no one bothered to say much to me after what was necessary. Dinner was a loud yet stiff affair, filled with the latest politics and country club drama. I was at the end of the table with my cousins, five were in their twenties, therefore not bothering to talk to me at all, and the others were all about five. I did get my favorite little cousin to talk to me though.

"Hey Ollie, where's your mother." My Aunt Mel was my favorite relative, she actually cared about what I had to say. I kept looking for her warm smile, but she was no where to be found.

"I'm spending the weekend with Daddy."

"Where did your mom go?"

"She said she and Daddy aren't married anymore. Now I live with Mommy all the time except for once a month when I stay with Daddy." What?! Aunt Mel divorced my father's brother? I mean I'm not really surprised, his brother (while in no means is as terrible as my father) is not the nicest guy. But still.

"So I won't see her this Christmas?"

"No, but I wish she was here."

"Me too," Mel is the only good thing about Christmas, "Tell her hi for me ok?"

"Ok. Do you know when we're having dessert?"

Ah, innocence, "In about three more courses." We still had more silverware pieces and wine glasses to go through before we got to the pie.

One of my older cousins, Peter, leaned across the table towards me, "You got a girl yet Blaine?"

"No, I don't."

"Why not?"

"I-I just don't."

"Do you even like girls?"

"That's not your business."

"You still sing?"

"Yes."

His face twisted into a smirk, "Gay," he hissed under his breath like it was poison.

My old grandfather's head snapped up at that muttered word, "What did you say Peter?"

Peter stuck his head up with a snobbish arrogance, "I said that Blaine's gay." Gasps circled the table.

"What's gay mean?" Ollie was looking at me, trying to figure out what I had done.

"It's something bad, don't ever support it Ollie." Now she was looking at me with a little horror in her eye.

"My grandson is NOT gay. He can't be. I won't allow it."

My father's gaze was digging into me, daring me to say that I liked boys, I just ducked my head and stayed quiet.

Peter sneered, "I knew it." At this point no one was eating, all just starring at me with blatant shock.

All the looks, the disgust, the pressure started boiling up inside of me. My hands started having tremors and I couldn't keep in a breath. If I didn't leave now, the whole family was about to see my secrets, "I'll be right back." I managed before standing up quickly and trying to get to the front door so I could get cold air.

"Blaine, you haven't been excused."

"I'll be right back!" The panic was becoming evident in my voice. My father and I were both standing up at the table now, waiting for the other to break.

I snapped first, the panic had set. I started to run for the door, I made it all the way outside before I heard his quick footsteps behind me. A hand reached out and snagged the back of my suit, tearing at the material.

"Stop right now."

Nononono.

I reached the edge of the house, just as I was at the corner he tried to reach out and catch me. Instead he ended up pushing me, hard, with all the momentum from running I smashed into the brick corner of the house.

I heard something crack and I almost blacked out, it felt like someone had taken an ax to my arm.

I think that's the moment I went mad. I couldn't stay, couldn't stay, couldn't stay. I remembered his threat from three days ago, I had messed up, I was going to pay within an inch of my life.

I rammed straight into him, I was too small to actually hurt him, but I knocked him into the snow. I took off, I had to get my car keys, and GET OUT.

With a wild look in my eye, I ran straight through the dining room (the room was no longer silent, but now essentially screaming about, well, me) and up the stairs. I don't think I could have ever made it this far if I wasn't so scared. Once inside, I started using my good hand to fling everything I had brought back into my suitcase. I had just zipped up the bag and was about to start looking for my keys and phone when my father appeared in the doorway.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Leaving."

"No. You will not disgrace us. You will NOT ruin me."

I became quite bold then, "You've ruined yourself a long time ago, I didn't do it."

He started advancing towards me then, picking up things to throw at me as I scoured my dresser for my things. Whatever he was throwing hurt, but not enough to get me to stop, at least not until he picked up the vase.

It shattered straight onto my shoulder, scraping and splintering into the skin there. I didn't think it broke any bones like the wall broke my arm, but it hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt....

I finally managed to grab everything and practically crawled out the door. With a last burst of energy, I pushed my way out of his reach and downstairs. I heard his yelling but I didn't care. I didn't care at the new yells and gasps as I sprinted through the dining room for the last time, blood seeping through my torn jacket. I jumped into my car and hit the gas, pulling out of the driveway to never come back.

•••

Once again I was in the eerie world of a sleeping city. I drove with my good arm, keeping my other arm and shoulder tucked up against my chest. I was still flying on the buzz of fear, but I knew it would soon wear off, I didn't want to drive bleeding AND exhausted.

My mind wasn't thinking straight. I didn't wonder what my friends would think if I showed up at their house. I didn't wonder how I would explain to them. I just didn't want to sleep inside my car in this ghost-filled town. I turned on my phone, the bright screen temporarily blinding me, and picked a random name on my contact list. I was too far gone to care about who I was calling.

Someone finally answered on the fourth ring, "Hello?" It was Simon's tired voice on the line.

"Um...hi..."

"Blaine? Wha-? If you're calling to wish me merry christmas, I don't really care."

"Um, no..."

"Blaine? It's like one in the morning."

I can do this, "Could...could I come over?"

"Now?" His voice was low and scratchy.

"I really need a place to stay."

"What? Why?"

"Just-please..." My voice cracked at the end.

He was silent for what seemed like decades, "Yeah, yeah ok. I won't pretend to know what's going on, but you sound desperate. "

Thank god. I got his address and put it in the GPS. I told him I'd call when I finally got there. He lived about thirty minutes south of Columbus, but with my exhaustion and injuries, it took me much longer.

I finally found his house, there were a couple of cars in front of it, so I parked down the street and called Simon again.

"I'm here."

"Alright, " He sounded even more tired now, which isn't surprising. I've woken him up twice now.

It was a good thing it was dark, he couldn't see me stumbling and limping.

"Ok, I don't want to wake anyone up, so I'm not gonna turn on any lights alright?" Simon was a silhouette in the doorway.

"Ok."

"I won't ask now because it's two in the morning, I'm just gonna go get some blankets and stuff for you. Tomorrow though, I am going to hear the whole story. You're scaring me Blaine."

I couldn't speak so I hoped that he could make out my nod in the dark.

"Here's my room, light switch is to your right. I'll be back in a minute."

As soon as he left I realized what an absolutely terrible, terrible idea this had been. I was just starting to panic in the dark when I heard Simon's footsteps padding back.

Nonono.

The light was switched on.

"Wha-? Oh...oh-oh my god..."


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