The moment I saw him my old heart crashed into ash and was reborn a fiery phoenix. He walked down the exquisite staircase like he was a king trying to hide the fact that his soul was running with saline tears. As he came closer he gripped his bag tighter as if it would somehow save him if I were to hit him.
I knew how he felt.
He looked down at me from steps above with those recherché eyes and I felt my face melt like a candle into a comforting, albeit slightly swooning, smile. His chime of a voice asked for my help and I gave him my hand. Kurt was his name, I learned, a sound like a shoe on a stage, The kind of sound that. if possible, would make ears laugh. He gave me a nervous chuckle as I pulled him down the gilded, detailed halls of the great academy. Yes the way we were holding hands was a strain on the arm, but who could care? I was holding his hand.
I admit that I was being an extremely touchy version of my usually so perfectly composed self, but then again I had never quite met someone like Kurt. I didn't know why I felt so comfortable around this stranger, but I had this feeling that somehow we were meant to meet (I didn't know what I meant by this, but it felt right). I pranced into the commons a bit late, earning a steaming glare from a certain Westley Montgomery, and jumped into position, just in time to sing Teenage Dream, a song which was written by my goddess of the pop industry, Katy Perry. Maybe he knew I was singing to him, the beautiful new boy who stole my heart in all of five minutes, or maybe he just thought I was just extremely energetic, I don't know. I saw him grinning, a sight that made my chest squeeze in a silent squeal, those frightened eyes needed happiness. I looked back at him, giving him the most dazzling grin in my book of dapperness, and watching with proud glee as he enjoyed himself in the crowd of navy, black, and red.
The song ended and I escaped towards him before I could be "officially" reprimanded by the Dalton Academy Warbler's Council. I could not help but brush his shoulder and softly smile as he blushed like sweet candy canes. I let him follow me, refraining myself from latching on once again to his satin-smooth hands, to the library, on the way snatching Wes from his "official" lecture to the club and David from his sporadic break-dancing on the commons floor. The group of three blazer-ed boys, plus one vogue-ish boy made their way to a round table in the studious room. Kurt seating himself protectively on the opposite side of the table from them. I asked Kurt his coffee order, granting me a nicely raised eyebrow from him, as I went off to get coffee. I easily made my medium drip, David's caramel frappe (I always found this a weird order for a man like David...I guess he liked the sugar), and Wes' tall latte. Then I made Kurt's grande non-fat mocha, willing myself to tattoo the name to my brain for future use. I returned to find David and Wes trying to convince Kurt that would not, as he put it "beat him up for spying", maybe I shouldn't have left? No, getting coffee was a good idea, the way his eyes lit up at the kind gesture warmed me right up to the temperature of my cinnamon flavored drink.
"Thank you," he said simply, looking up at me with those eyes of glittering teal space dust.
I sat down across from him, between the other Warblers, and assured him once again that we would not pummel him down into the mahogany floors for "spying". Then he asks a question that has the other boys baffled but me seeing right into his thoughts.
"Are you all gay?" He whispers the last word like if he says it too loud it will echo off the old stone walls out to everyone who will come storming in to take him away.
Wes and David looked for me to answer." No," he shrunk back further at this, "Well I am," now his eyes lit up with a trembling glint of hope, good, "But Wes and David here both have girlfriends." The two blazer bearing boys smiled at this, Wes seriously, David cheekily. David and Wes take over the explanation of the zero-tolerance bullying policy while I watch Kurt's face slowly morph into this look like he could not fathom that such a thing existed.
"Would you two excuse us for a second?" I questioned.
They two other Dalton boys politely said goodbye in the gentlemanly Dalton way and left me alone with this lovely boy who flinched at every loud noise and curled in on himself whenever a slightly buff boy happened to pass by.
My heart pounded in morbid remembrance of a time so like his as he told me the tales of his behemoth bully, uncaring faculty, and "friends" that were no help at all. I wanted to help him, to be there for him, but all I could do was tell him that Dalton had scholarships if he could apply, and do this...
"Look, I know we kind of just met, well we did just meet...um, but...I...here. This is my number, you can use it any time if you need it, or even if you just need to talk to someone who has an idea about what you are going through. Just...promise me you will tell me if you ever need anything ok? Anything at all." I handed over my embossed Dalton napkin with my number written on it. He took it with a shaky smile and gave a quiet thanks, I could see in his eyes how much this small gesture meant to him.
I got up even though I wanted to stay here forever just drinking coffee with Kurt "I have to get back to class, I am running out of time before our special Warbler grace period ends...I hope to see you around." I gave him a honey-warm smile.
He wrung his hands in front of hum like an old towel when he stood up. "Um...Blaine?"
"Yes?"
"Um...would you...um...maybe, if you want...." He took a deep breath and then looked up at me with those oceanic orbs. "Would you care to join me for coffee sometime?"
I think I could have fallen over dead right then if I hadn't been still holding onto the chair, I gave him and eye-crinkling grin, "I would love too!" Oh my freaking goodness he had no idea how much I would love to...or did he?
I walked Kurt out to the front entrance of the extensive manor, he waved with an adorable little smile and then he was gone, out of my world like the smoke blown from christmas candles.
•••
I skipped lightheaded back into the school, my whole spinning with the conflicting emotions of lugubriousness for Kurt's situation that brought up the dark tremors of my own direful past, and absolute giggling, bubbly, tweenage infatuation. I was so lovestruck it wasn't even funny.
Somehow in my fog-headed daze I managed to make it to Pre-AP Physics class, one had to be a senior to take AP, in which my inner nerd appeared and made its fight for future valedictorian, not like that would happen, that spot was reserved for a certain Head Warbler. I sat down at my spot at Lab Table 3, It was quite a lucky spot, it was next to a certain other Warbler with dark-headed curls.
"Hey Thad"
"Hey!" I sat down in my seat just as the bell echoed its commanding sentence to all late boys. "I heard you met some cute guy!"
"Is that seriously what David said, I swear someday I am going to hurt him..." I muttered.
"Well? Was he cute?"
"Oh my god Thad! You're straight!" I squealed as I reached into my copper leather bag for my meticulously done homework."
"Just trying to be supportive.."
"Look, yeah he is freaking gorgeous," Thad smirked in response to this, "But right now he just needs to get ok, alright? He is going through some stuff, kind of like I did before I came here."
"Oh, sorry man, I hope he is ok."
"Me too...and oh my god! STOP COPYING MY HOMEWORK! I swear, how did you even get into Dalton?!"
"Old money, baby"
I snatched my paper back, "Yeah, but you still have to take the entrance exam, how'd you pull that off?"
"The same way I just did that homework....except I cheated on that that Senior...I think his name's Louis? I don't know...red hair...?"
"It doesn't matter! You cheated on the Dalton entrance exam?! If you are smart enough to that you should be able to actually pass the test! Oh my god!"
"Seriously Blaine, stop gaping like you've seen a poltergeist, people are staring."
Just then Dr. Foster walked in, stopping me from throwing a book at Thad's face. I swear that kid is the dumbest human being ever to attend Dalton, and yet at the same time the only person in the history of life to actually SUCCEED at cheating this entrance exam. We spent the next forty-five minutes listening to Dr. Foster drone, well other kids said he droned, personally I found his lessons enamoring, about energy transfers. From then on I had General Athletics, I had no time to actually pursue a real sport, but I refused to take PE, personally I think PE is the worst invention of man, ever. Then I had Pre-AP Spanish 3, AP english, and then at long last Warblers. If You were in the Warblers you had to take the last period class and then stay after school for another hour of extended practice.
As soon as I entered the room I was bombarded with questions about the "spy". David, Wes, and I had to walk around and explain that "No, he was not spying." and "No, you cannot go beat him up because then I would have to beat you up and then we would all be expelled and there would be no more Warblers." After this apparently complicated matter was settled, we all sat down on the plush leather couches, or behind the council table if one were so lucky, and apparently Thad was so lucky, I never understood that.
Wes collided his over-polished gavel into the old table, someday I think he will break it, to "officially" start the meeting. We discussed some set lists for awhile and then decided to obsessively practice our cover of Train's Hey Soul Sister until we could, in Wes' words "Get it to where I could hit any one of you in the face and everyone else could make it seem like nothing happened" essentially he wanted it perfect, which, with Wes as Head Warbler, would never happen. So we practiced until our bodies dropped like the energy had been sucked out of us by an over-zealous vacuum, until Wes was as red as a chili pepper, and until practice FINALLY ended.
As I was shuffling down the now quiet halls toward the dormitories David hopped up to me, grinning in that five-year-old-at-a-theme-park David kind of way.
"So Blainers...did you get Kurt's number? You two would be cute together!"
"You don't even know him," not that I did either but I am the gay guy who would be dating him if someday something like that could happen, not girlfriend-straight David. Too exhausted to argue about my assumed love life I continued, "And even so he is dealing with a lot right now, I should know, he doesn't need a boyfriend right now."
"Already to boyfriends now? Moving fast aren't we Blainey?"
"Shut up David." I put my hand over his smirking face and pushed him teasingly out of the way as I climbed up those same steps where I met that endearing boy just hours earlier. We walked on down more high-class halls, from the front Dalton may look like just a normal fancy building but with all the attached side buildings it was quite an expansive campus. I reached my door, I pulled out the scratched key and began to unlock it when David leaned up against the doorframe like a relaxed prince.
"Look Blaine, in all seriousness," seriousness? I better listen to this, "I know you don't want to come on too fast, and I get that, I think you are making the absolute right decision, but I also think that there is something inside of you that is stopping you from really going for it. Whatever it is? Don't let it define you, ok? Any guy would be lucky to have you."
I looked into David's dark eyes and could see that he meant it, "Thanks man, and by the way, any girl is lucky to have you."
With his old blindingly-energetic cheek back David replied, "I know," and he strutted on down the hall, waving at some of his other friends as he passed by.
I opened the door to my small room, posters of broadway shows, bands, and other various interests were placed above the skinny twin bed, my navy bedspread tucked in neatly to reveal the edges of soft cream sheets. My guitar was leaning precariously against the corner of my inundated desk, and the closet was partly open to reveal two extra uniform sets and a couple of outfits from home (sweaters, bow-ties, pants, v-necks, sweat pants, dress shirts, and a suit, all various colors of a effervescent rainbow). To be honest, this tiny room looked more like home to me than my room at home with everything I left behind. I sat down politely, old habits die hard, on the corner if my bed and gazed out towards the extensive verdant lawn dotted with manicured trees.
I thought about Kurt, the way his whole self wilted like summer lilies in winter when he mentioned his abuse at school, the way he could turn my heart into love knots with his every motion (and yes, I still barely knew him, but I was infatuated. What can I say?), and I thought about what David said. There was still the rusted remains of a cage imprisoning my soul, scaring me into submission, blocking my dreams with nightmares, stopping me from texting Kurt and inviting him to coffee. I was scared, scared to fail, of imperfection. I was terrified that if I let him in he would just be kidnapped right back out. Yes, there was a part of me that still held on to that terror of my past. Though I knew Kurt didn't need a date until his catastrophe of a high school life was straightened out, I couldn't help but wonder, if I were brave enough, would he accept the help offered to him in the form of likes and loves? Or would he just need a friend. Of course he just needs a friend, I was being ridiculous, and I also knew that I could not be that brave boy. For all my charming ways, I had quite the lightless hurricane of an interior.
Just as I was about to get on a full blown aria of my woes, my phone buzzed on the now wrinkled bed. It was an unknown number but I knew who it was the moment I read it.
Kurt: Hi, this is my number, if you could text me back so I know you got it that would be good. Thank you for today. -Your Endearing Spy
I swear on every prayer to heaven, this boy is just too adorable
Me: I got your number, and don't thank me, it was my pleasure to be in your company
Always start out with manners. It isn't deemed socially acceptable to start rambling about how exactly much it was a pleasure to meet a person in your first text. I let my thoughts stir for a minute, contemplating my words for a moment before typing out a small message
Me: Courage
Oh god, that was stupid. Now he is going to think me cliche and dumb and I just lost my chance-
Kurt: thanks
Oh? Well that was an improvement. He at least didn't run away from your one word hallmark statement. I didn't know if I sent that message to him or to me, but I went with both. We would each need it.
•••
Two days and about twenty-five texts later, Kurt asked if I would join him for coffee at his local coffee shop that Friday, the Lima Bean, apparently Kurt was a Lima native, whatever that meant. I said yes, obviously and the next day, after much panic and overbearing excitement, I was driving out of the mostly full Dalton parking lot, and onto the long journey to see Kurt, it would be worth it though. I had given myself plenty of time in case I got lost, so I arrived at the cafe before Kurt. I didn't have time to change out of my uniform before I came here, so I earned myself a couple of looks when I entered the shop, apparently Lima was lacking in the private school area. I waited patiently by the doorway, opening it for the little ladies club that walked in, but otherwise I just stood there humming until I saw Kurt's Navigator pull up (yes I memorized his car). I waved him over to the door and held it open for him to enter, he blushed. Just like the first time I met him, he looked gorgeous, almost too tight black pants, glorious knee high leather boots the color of rosin, a nice indigo shirt, and a delft blue scarf tied in an intricate braided knot.
Once inside the cocoon of caffeinated air, Kurt gave me a nervous quirk of a smile.
"Hi," he held his clasped hands tightly as he watched me.
I replied back cheerfully, "Hi!"
"Um, why don't you save a table? I'll go get the coffee, what would you like?"
I was not about to let him buy the coffee on our first coffee date...er meeting. "I'll have a Medium Drip with a cinnamon flavored mixer, but I'll pay."
"No you got the coffee last time!" He protested, god he was cute with those puppy eyes, I don't even think he knew he was doing it."
"That was free, there was a coffee machine right outside the library."
"I don't care." He shrugged his shoulders and walked off towards the counter, leaving me to find us a nice little table by the sunlit window.
Apparently I was going to let him buy coffee.
About five minutes later he returned carrying two cups of coffee, steam rolling off them like moonlit clouds in October.
"One Medium Drip with cinnamon."
"Thank you for paying Kurt."
"Its only fair, I did invite you."
We sat basking in the tepid radiation beaming in through the window as we silently drank our coffee for a few minutes. Both of us enjoying the comfortable silence between us. It was like we were old friends returning from trips apart, both of us with so much to tell but neither wanting to waste the small time together with shallow words.
After awhile though, we figured we should actually start to get to know each other.
"So you are in glee club you mentioned? What part do you sing?" This was a dumb conversation starter but my brain was to muddled by china cream skin and hazelnut toffee hair to actually think.
Kurt blushed and looked down st his hand currently holding the green and brown cardboard cup, he bit his roseate lip before muttering almost ashamedly, "I'm a counter-tenor..."
"What?! Thats amazing! Oh my goodness I would love to hear you sing!" He seemed to jolt up in shock as I said this, his eyebrows shooting up like stars.
"You...you would?" He whispered.
"Yes!" I replied, "I think counter-tenors are exquisite!"
"No one has ever said that before," well that was obvious, "Most people tell me to shut my fairy voice up..."
"So I'm guessing the bullies haven't let up then?"
"In two days?" He scoffed, "No, I mean, Blaine, look at me. I pretty much fit every gay stereotype ever invented, and my girl voice doesn't help."
It came out before I could stop it, this boy seriously made me start opening up like the Mississippi in Spring, "I think your voice is nice." And now I blush.
"No one-"
"Has ever said that to you either? Well, they should." No turning back now.
He seemed to ponder this, his face almost confused, which was understandable seeing as he didn't exactly get support and kind words rushing at him.
"Anyways, I meant what I said about wanting to hear you sing..."
He smiled a bit more at this, those his eyes were still clouded with a swirl of doubt and memories, he fiddled with his now empty cup, "I'll see what I can do."
I chuckled and steered the conversation to lighter subjects, like fashion, which we spent about an hour ranting on, I found I was right, he was a Vogue boy. And, then on to musicals.
"Ok what is your favorite musical?" Kurt asked, leaning questioningly over the faux wood table on his elbows as I lounged as comfortable as one can in a mass-produced chair.
"What's yours?" I asked, being playfully difficult.
"Wicked, duh." He gave this terrible glare face that caused me to burst into laughter.
"Oh, I should have guessed."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh...nothing" and honestly I didn't know what I meant by that, it just seemed so...Kurt.
"Hmm, well what's yours?"
I didn't even pause, "Definitely Lion King."
"What?!" He leaned up in mock horror, "Seriously?"
"What's wrong with Lion King?" I defended, "It has those great costumes and staging and...don't even get me started on the songs...I Just Can't Wait to be King?"
He just shook his head, "I totally had you pegged for a Rogers and Hammerstein kind of guy..."
"Well I will really go with any musical, Lion King just brings out my inner kid, I guess."
We talked for another hour, I watched his face animate into laughs, glares, and blushing petite smiles. I enjoyed every moment. We talked until the sky began to darken like midnight roses and Kurt had to leave. Even though it was Friday, his dad had an early curfew.
We walked side by side in the dusky parking lot, the cooling air making shivers down our backs after the cozy shop. I walked him to his car and then stopped.
"I really had a wonderful time this evening, Kurt."
He blushed and looked at me through long eyelashes, "Me too."
I wanted to say how much I liked him, how much I wanted to pull him into an embrace and never let go, instead I just said, "See you around then." I turned and walked a few steps away when-
"Blaine?"
I turned back over my shoulder, "I..." He opened and closed his mouth, having plenty to say but no way to say it,"...yeah, see you around..."
I gave him a smile, made sure he got off safely then climbed in my overly nice car and started the long ride back to Dalton.
•••
It was late by the time I returned to the gilded corridors of academia. I managed to get up the stairs and almost to the junior dormitories, when I had to pass by the upper dorm's commons.
"Blaine!" Oh god, it was Thad. I paused and reluctantly stuck my head in the room. Oh, it was Trent too, I wonder what he is doing with Thad? He is probably being absolutely TOO nice, in the way Trent always was, and was the only one who agreed to listen to Thad's garbling monologues about his life. Knowing Thad, those were probably some stupidly random insights on his life. Trent must be a saint.
Thad motioned me into the room full of fireplaces and lounge couches, "Where were you? I stopped by your room earlier and you weren't there!"
"You didn't pick my lock again did you?" I sounded joking, but in reality I was about to panic like a Doe.
"Nah, I learned not to do that when you kicked my knee in freshman year," oh...right, "You're lucky I didn't report you," he chided.
Thank god.
"Umm, I was just...you know...out..." That was lame.
This time St. Trent bobbed his innocent head up at me, "Blaine? You never go out."
Right.
"I just went to get some coffee."
"But you love Dalton coffee!" Not after the Lima Bean, Trent. But, you don't need to know that, "And for like six hours? That's a lot of coffee Blaine." Why did this kid have to be so darn sassy and cute?
Thad suddenly shot out of his chair like a bobcat and grabbed my shoulders, "OH MY GOD! You were with that Kurt kid weren't you?!"
"Umm..."
"YES! Yes you were! Haha! I must go tell all the Warblers that our dear Blainers has a man!"
"Oh my god Thad, shut up. We are NOT dating! And none of you, except Wes and David, even know anything about him! How can we even partake in this conversation if you barely know his name?!"
"Blaine is looooooovestruck." Thad cooed.
"Nope, I'm not," biggest lie ever, "Now bye, I'm going to go hide out in my room from you."
With a whine from Thad, and a cheerfully waved, "Bye, Blaine!" from Trent, I was out of the comforting common room and sneaking down the hall towards my room, trying excruciatingly hard not to run into any more prying choir boys.
•••
I arrived in my small room after only one more incident (Jeff tried to have a conversation with me, causing me to sprint off like a manic in the opposite direction, earning a quizzical look from the blonde boy, which I admit to earning) and flopped down on the ungenerous bed. It was then that I noticed I was still wearing my raffish blazer. I rolled out onto the polished floor and sat cross-legged while scouring through my drawers to find a pair of soft pajamas. I got ready for bed in the suite bathroom that I shared with another junior (his name was Simon, he was obsessively neat, mousy, and an outstanding soccer player. I didn't get the mix, but he kept the small room neat and was very gracious so why should I question the kid?) then clambered ungracefully into the bed. I grabbed my book from the tiny nightstand, put my headphones on with my top 40 songs, and didn't relax a bit. My heart pounded a stampede from the adrenaline of this afternoon. Spending four straight hours with one's crush took quite a toll on one's mind. I ebbed in and out of the vortex of slumber, images of his eyes, hair, lips, skin, hands, figure, voice fighting unconsciousness. After many minutes of tossing around, I finally settled down and tried to focus all of my whirling thoughts on listening to the song lyrics reverberating through my ears, until finally, around midnight, my mind succumbed to the dark tendrils pulling me into the abyss of sleep
•••
The weekend passed in an uneventful haze. Kurt and I constantly texted back and forth, mostly menial frippery about the various volcanos of homework with sporadic texts about music or movies here and there (I learned that his favorite movie was The Notebook , this little tidbit made my chest squeeze so hard that I wanted to scream into a pillow).
It wasn'tuntil Monday morning, when I was woken at an ungodly hour by my blaring alarm,that I got a serious text from Kurt.
Kurt: Is it silly of me to be nervous about doing something I have done a thousand times before?
I assumed he was not talking about something as simple as eating breakfast, he meant more that he didn't want to get up at five thirty just to spend the day being pushed into unrelenting metal doors. I knew the feeling all too well.
Me: of what? School?
Kurt: yes...
Me: it's not silly, not when school involves pain
A few moments later I typed what would soon become my signature work.
Me: Courage
I could practically hear his quiet "thanks" ooze out of the phone.
I climbed out of the navy comforter and padded with bare feet over to the bathroom to find it unoccupied. I brushed my teeth, moisturized, and then took out my lifesaving raspberry hair gel and turned my kinky cocoa hair into a jaunty, slick side part. I then pulled out my crisp uniform, stuffed all of my work in my bag, and headed down to a hearty Dalton breakfast.
I walked as a sleep deprived mirage down great staircases and halls until the smell of waffles and coffee wafted out a set of tall double doors. I walked into the cafeteria, a room with gothic wooden ceilings and smooth rotary tables. I found a table currently occupied by Wes, Nick, and St. Trent (the only Warblers who actually had the self discipline to get up at a reasonable hour. The rest all seemed to scramble out of bed, into uniform, and gallop through breakfast with only moments to spare). I set my bag down at a stiff chair and walked off towards the slightly bustling food lines to pick out my waffles (with excessive amounts of syrup) and fruit (pineapple, I don't care if it doesn't go with bread products) and other fresh made delicacies of our friendly kitchen. Plus, of course, I got my coffee.
I returned to the table at the far side of the large room to find Wes raving about his Pre-Cal homework and Trent nodding along, listening vigorously (Nick seemed extraordinarily concentrated on his fork trying to zone out the Head Warbler's pedagogical rants). I sat down and made faces at Nick until we both caught Wes' eye by disrupting his terribly boring story with out snorting gales of laughter. Nick smiled his award winning smile at Wes, who immediately caved from his speech about polite listening and asked us about our weekends. All three started discussing their weekends, Trent went home as always, Wes worked out glee practices and did piles of homework, and Nick took his girlfriend to a concert in Columbus, beating us all. They then turned and stared at me waiting for my answer, I mumbled something about homework while blushing down at my canary pineapple, they knew that wasn't though.
"And?" Wes interrogated. I didn't provide him with an answer.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Trent practically bounced out of his seat with his puppy-like joy, "Blaine went on a daaaate," he continued, stretching out the last word for a dramatic effect.
"Did he now?" Nick joked, "Well, let's hear about."
"Well it wasn't really a date..." I retorted.
"Was it with our "spy"?" Wes questioned.
"Maybe..." Oh my god why am I friends with any of these people, they have no concept of private lives.
All three boys burst into jubilant laughter, "What did you do?"
"We just had coffee, It's not a big deal."
Nick raised an eyebrow, "Oh really? From that blush attached to your face I would say it was."
"Whatever.." I said, lost to the argument, "I'm just gonna go to class now.." I walked my scraped-clean plate over to the rotating wash and then left the three boys to regale in their own accomplished laughter.
•••
Today Ms. Bennett was wearing that low-cut cream blouse with a necktie and a pencil skirt the color of August. No one ever knew if she was actually a "free living" girl, or if she just liked to dress like one, but for a school with no bullying, she was the running joke between all its young inhabitants. Pretty much every guy flirted with her, either for real (which was exceedingly disturbing) or as a dare or joke, I always hoped for the latter. David was the absolute king at Dalton for charming the soul out of that woman. It started out as a dare between him and Thad to see who could butter her up the most and get a free 100, David won, but now every time David needed to improve his grade, the charm levels were turned on rocket blast. The scary thing was though, that Ms. Bennett always complied (I don't know if she just thought he was adorable and was playing US, or if she was seriously attracted to him). It was in the middle of her class (AP U.S. History, an especially fun class because you got to watch as 30 boys all made fools of themselves flirting with the teacher) that I checked my phone. I had missed one call (because I am a painfully good pupil and my phone was on silent).
The call was from Kurt.
I had already finished the essay that the other boys were slaving on so I asked permission (without batting my eyes like a lovesick clown) to go to the library. I stepped out into the whisperingly quiet halls and tapped my shined shoes down until I found a slightly secluded alcove. I took out my phone and called my new crush, worry seeping out of my pores like Carbon Monoxide.
A thin voice answered after a few suspenseful rings, "H-hello?"
"Hi Kurt," I said much more calmly than I felt (was he hurt? lonely? frightened? needed to talk?), "Is everything ok?"
A deep, crackling pause then a wavering voice answered in a false sound of assurance, "I'm fine. Its nothing, I didn't mean to bother you.."
"Kurt, I want you to listen ok? You will never bother me, anytime you need help, just ask. And, you obviously need something otherwise you would not have called."
The answer was a small sniffle.
"Kurt? Are you hurt in any way?"
"N-no I'm fine...I guess..."
"No, I don't think you are. Where are you right now?"
"School," he mumbled miserably.
I don't know what made me say it, but I don't regret it," Do you want me to come there?" I had never even been late to a class in my life, and I was suddenly offering to skip half a day of school.
This boy had infiltrated my mind in the most glorious way.
"No you don't have to skip school for me..." He sounded so self-deprecating in that moment, like no one would ever even consider doing him a favor.
Right there I made up my mind, before I could change it, I walked down two sets of snaking stairs and then a hallway lit with sun-spotted dust, and out to the crowded parking lot towards my black Lincoln, blinding in the unsheltered sun. Throughout this small journey I continued my conversation with the distraught Kurt
"I know I don't have to, but I am going to." My voice held a decisive evenness.
He seemed to have lost all of his strong fight when he replied with a simple," Ok," in a soft voice.
I got the address out of him and told him I would meet him out by the front doors. After questioning again that he was not physically hurt in any way (well not enough to worry about, I knew for proven fact that he was pained somewhere. Bullying gives you a whole new perspective on the term "pain") I told him, "Hold on, I won't be there for a while but I will text you when I arrive, get somewhere safe ok? You just have to last a little while, I'm on my way."
"Ok," came the breathy response (come on Kurt, you can stay calm for just a little more time).
I drove as fast as I could, while still safe and legal (I couldn't help him if I crashed my car), and worried crevasses into my soul as the lush rural roads passed by like old paintings. I tried to calm myself with the radio, but my mind was already spiraling down, down, down into a dark places with memories of slamming lockers, aching backs, and screams of blood smeared on night lit concrete. I needed him to be ok. He could not go through what I had. I would not stand around and let his life be messed up beyond true repair. I had a chance to help him, I just needed to arrive before he too fell into the abyss of midnight anguish. I still didn't know why I felt so attached, but I guess it had something to do with the fact that he was in a situation quickly escalating towards mine, and I had a chance to help, unlike last time. I had a chance to save a life, the life of a person so ineffable, it twisted my heart and soul into unbreakable diamond knots.
•••
A tirade of air and noise crushed me as I opened the heavy glass doors. The sound of locker doors and the sight of letter jackets seemed to suck all weight from my brain (don't panic, don't panic, don't panic). I tried to concentrate on Kurt, I was here for Kurt, I could not panic now. Sucking in deep yet unbelievably shallow breathes I trembled my way down the hall in a dizzy cloud of past fear.
God, my life was so not ok. I could barely walk into a building full of strange adolescents without fainting down dead on the gross rubbery floor.
I stopped and leaned back against a wall, trying to find some sense of balance, until the raging battle of passing period dwindled down into a few scurrying stragglers left behind in the war. I finally took another shaking breath and remembered who I came for. Walking down the hall once more, I kept my wide eyes open for a slim boy with impeccably coifed hair.
I found him huddled in a small corner by some sickeningly-tan lockers, his usually cherry blossom cheeks paled into a scared oblivion. I immediately calmed, I don't know if it was because he was at least physically ok, or if something about him just planted this little seed in my heart that calmed me when he was there, he gave my mind a place to focus on other than my multitudinous problems.
"Hey.." I managed to breath out, leaning up next to him on the tiled wall.
He just nodded, looking off into the opposite wall, but unable to focus anywhere.
"Kurt?"
He bit his strawberry lip and looked down at his black-booted feet. "Sorry to make you drive all the way out here for me..." His voice was small, like he had a tsunami of tears hidden behind that voice, and yet he was just trying to repair the flood gates.
"It's not a problem," and it wasn't, I was beginning to think that I would drive anywhere on this hurling earth to be there for him, "Look, I have a feeling that you won't be very productive today if you stay here, why don't you just go home."
He sounded so ashamed I wanted to knock his bullies flat on their faces into a pile of burning acid, "I-I'm scared to go anywhere.." I knew that he meant more than he was scared to go home or skip school. He was too frightened to even move.
"Come on, it's ok. I've got your back." I sounded so SURE in that moment, I had to keep this promise. Pushing my own fears to the side, the best I could, I led Kurt out back towards the parking lot, him giving me quiet directions the whole way there.
We almost made it out to the back, we were on a set of chain-bound concrete stairs (this place really was a prison, physically and mentally) when Kurt's legs almost gave out and he nearly cascaded down the stairs like a broken waterfall. He gripped onto the cold metal rail with all his might, tensing his arm like the sun depended on it for light. His mouth was open slightly in a silent gasp and scream, I followed his gaze up to where a large boy in a red and mud jacket was tromping down the stairs, an angry rhino. So this was the bully, I could tell from Kurt's stature that he had crossed a line over locker slams, god I wanted to strangle him, though from his size I had a feeling that rash actions would be quite counter-productive.
Trying to calm the aqua-eyed boy I spoke to him quietly, "Hey, it's gonna be ok, I have your back." Again those words seemed to taunt me, reverberating around me, trying to get me to break that promise like a child breaks his mother's favorite vase.
"Excuse me." Wow. I had been disciplined well, my head was about to implode with the power of haunting memories, and yet I could still sound so serene and inviolable.
"Oh, hey fairy boy, got yourself a little fairy boyfriend?" Kurt stiffened like wrought iron.
"I know what you did." That was a lie and Kurt knew it, but this bully didn't I could see the stems of fear begin to grow out in his iris'.
Suddenly he was on me, almost sending me into a spasm of old dread. I felt rough hands soiling my blazer, tight chain grating my back, and I felt my eyes begin to roll back in the presence of panic (nononono...you promised to have his back. You PROMISED. Don't let the devil steal your devotion.) Then suddenly there was a maniacal yell and the goliath was off me, a screaming Kurt stood there, rigid in his fury.
"Leave him ALONE!" His voiced cracked in such raw desperation, I don't think he realized how exactly much he saved ME in that moment.
"I didn't do anything! You hear?! Nothing! Now, I have to get to class." The bully hissed in scattered assurance.
As soon as he stormed a hurricane down the now empty stairs, Kurt sunk down and put his head in quavering hands.
"Kurt?" I asked carefully, approaching him like one would a kicked filly, "What exactly did he do?"
For a few moments I thought he wouldn't answer, but then he gathered his breath and lifted his head in defiance to the cruel world, salty tracks traversing their way down dimpled cheeks, "Well it started out just as the usual hits and pushed," no one deserves their definition of usual to include physical abuse, "But I was so sick of it that I ran after him and confronted him...we were alone in the locker room..."
I did not like where this was going, my insides began to churn in a sickening beat. I scooted closer to him on the bench, resting our shoulders and arms together. I knew he needed comfort but I didn't want to cross that fine line over to touches that would scare the sweet boy.
I needed to know what happened next, "Kurt, what did he do next?"
"Karofsky," oh the vile creature has a name, "He...he kissed me," his voice broke in a teary whisper, his eyes lay unfocused.
Oh my god, if only he knew. I felt so nauseated I almost had to leave (I had to have his back, I promised).
"Oh Kurt..."
"And, until today, I had never been kissed..." His voice held a false lightness that curled my toes.
That monster.
I think it was in a haze of fury, or maybe just Kurt's persona of mystique, but whatever it was it gave some unknown blast of spirit.
I reached over and took his silky cold hand in my nervous one. I had done this before but it felt so light then, now this action held the weight of a conscious. I looked up into his eyes and then down at his fingers as I brought his hand slowly, giving him time to pull away, up to my cherry chap-sticked lips. I softly pecked his hand feeling Kurt still, his breath pausing in anticipation, and then lowered his hand peacefully back down, placing my own on his shoulder. No words were spoken in that moment, just a tacit look. Then I gave his shoulder a reassuring pat and ruined the moment with words that needed to be said.
"I know now is not the best time to hear it, but you have to tell someone, they need to know, Kurt. You can't do this alone."
He wrung his ice white hands, "I'm not alone, you are here." He stopped my heart.
"I'm not much help..."
Kurt looked straight up into my eyes as his words echoed around my skull, "I think you don't give yourself enough credit, you are more help than you know."
I could tell him, the boy who cased my nightmares away, the exact same thing.
"Just promise me you will tell someone, you said your family is supportive, so tell your mom and dad."
"My mom is dead..." He sounded resigned, it must have been awhile ago then.
"Well tell your dad."
He paused a moment and then spoke, "Thank you for not apologizing."
"Huh?"
"Whenever I tell people that my mom is dead they always apologize like its their fault. I get where they are going but I never like the road they take to get there."
Matching his soft tone I spoke, "Well I sort of know what its like."
He just nodded his head at me, I was glad he didn't interrogate.
"Anyways just, please tell someone Kurt."
"I promise."
His eyes were like the Caribbean in June, masked over by a silver mist, they locked into my own tawny amber ones as he promised his safety.
"Come on," I gestured with my head, "I'll take you wherever you need alright? We can get your car later. I'll drive, if you are comfortable of course."
"Sure, he said sounding tired, as long as you don't mind missing more school..."
"I don't think I would be able to get back in time for much more even if I left now..." He opened his mouth, "And don't you dare apologize for asking my help." I gave him a little smirk, he blushed Spring.
"Alright," he sighed, "But I'm not ready to go home yet, if you don't mind, and I think I would be sick if I tried to eat anything..."
"I understand, I know a place where we can go.."
"Where's that?"
"If you'll let me," I stood up and offered Kurt my hand, pulling him too up, "I'd like it to be a surprise."
He gave me a little quirk of a grin (I was glad that I could make him smile even after everything), "I think I might like that."
"Ok," I began to lead the way back down the blatant stairs, my eyes wrinkled in a gentle happiness (with the way my life works, one must take their joy where it can be found).