Author's Notes: Chapter 15

Sometimes the first step to dealing with any hard evening was to get a good night’s sleep, which by some miracle Blaine had managed to do. The downside was when he woke the following day, he couldn't simply close his eyes and go back to sleep. The first thing he noticed was the crushing sensation of despair was gone but was replaced with feelings of embarrassment. Feelings that began to build until they risked reaching extreme mortification levels. Something Blaine was too emotionally tired to deal with.

Blaine didn't want to wake up. He wanted to throw his head back on his pillow and sleep his life away, where nothing would get too complicated or painful. No matter how pathetic he was being, it was very hard to want to get up and face a world where Kurt and Sebastian were a couple. Blaine only got out of bed because he knew it was futile to hide away in his room forever.

How was it that when movies told love stories they rarely showed the painful heartache or how childish people could become? Even when they did, life didn't always have a happy ending to look forward to. Or maybe it was just for Blaine's own real life story. Great, this train of thought was not helping Blaine's efforts to face the day.

Blaine managed to crawl into the shower without being noticed, slipping back inside his bedroom sanctuary right away to change into some clean clothes. Blaine's inability to call forth his usual cheeriness was visible in his wardrobe. He kept it simple, black and pretty drab. All that was left now was for Blaine to step out of his room and face the world, or the common room space of the apartment. The trouble was, doing that meant he'd have to face Nick and knowing his luck, he'd be laying in wait.

It could be worse though, at least it had been his best friend to see his breakdown and not Kurt. Besides, it wasn't like Nick hadn't had his share of extreme reactions throughout his many attempts at romance but Blaine still had topped every one last night. Kurt had that effect on Blaine he figured. Blaine’s decision to head home to visit his parents for the remainder of the summer was now a godsend. He had intended to tell Sebastian and Kurt about his travel plans that night at Feeling but unseen events had gotten in the way.

All Blaine wanted to do was get away from his troubles for a while. Not for good but long enough so when he returned maybe he could deal with them better. The idea of him getting used to the idea of Sebastian being Kurt's boyfriend wasn't very uplifting. Still, nothing would ever turn around for the better if Blaine kept clinging to denial and despair.

His pity party over, Blaine forced himself to head into the kitchen. He was relieved that his work vacation had already started. Just as he had feared the second Blaine cleared the hallway Nick was there to see his pathetic state for the second time in a row. Nick's overly sympathetic look was making Blaine feel more tired with every forward step. Was it too late to go back to him room and sulk? 'Probably, now that he's seen me,' Blaine thought regretfully.

“Hey buddy...” Nick said softly, like he was trying to coax a wounded animal out from hiding. “I made you pancakes...”

“I'm not a child, Nick,” Blaine pointed out but sat down to eat regardless.

“Do not feel embarrassed by last night Blaine. You'd just found out the love of your life is with another guy; it was justified. You simmered down pretty quick too, went out like a light and no barfing either, so score there,” Nick pointed out.

“Uh huh, well now I'm better but not all that recovered,” Blaine admitted.

“So now what? Are you and Kurt still friends?” Nick asked.

“I don't know, I need some time to adjust to everything that's changed. I'm sure as hell not going to tell Kurt how I feel now because what's the point? Before I do or say anything or they try to do the same I need some space and time away to recollect and recovery. So I'm going back home for the rest of the break, where I hope I can work things out in my fucked up brain,” Blaine mumbled through his mouthfuls of pancake.

“Sounds like a good idea. What did Kurt say to all of this?” Nick asked.

Blaine tried to act like was too busy eating to answer but stalling rarely worked for long. “I haven't told him yet.”

That reluctant confession caused Nick to blink in surprise, and then he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at his friend, knowing what Blaine could be like. “Blaine....” he began warily. “You did find out straight from Kurt's mouth that he's dating Sebastian... right?”

Blaine resisted the question at first, but there would be no hope of Nick dropping the subject. “Well no, not exactly in words per-say but-” Blaine began to ramble in defence. Only he was rendered silent when Nick caught him totally off guard and actually slapped him across the face not holding anything back with the blow. “Okay, ow!” Blaine whined.

“I'm sorry but you needed that wake up call! Because what the hell are you doing? Don't go falling apart before you have any concrete proof! What if you're wrong Blaine? What if this has all been in your head and you're running away for nothing!” Nick began to shout.

“Do you think it's easy for me to ask Kurt if he's with Sebastian? I'm fucking terrified! I can't face that Nick, hearing Kurt admit they're together. Seeing his love-struck face! It would break me!” Blaine shouted in argument.

Nick knew he was being pushy but that was what Blaine needed this time, tough love. “Blaine, you need to ask him directly... because your leaving means Kurt can't tell you himself... how convenient huh?” he pressed.

“Alright! I know! I'll talk to Kurt before I go; I couldn't relax if I didn't. I need to find out for sure, one way or the other. If I'm wrong and they're not a couple then, I can use the time away to decide what I'll do about it. But really... I think I already know if Kurt's still single. I'll have to tell him how I feel and find out if I'm just kidding myself that I might have a chance. ‘Cause Kurt's already told me he can't be my boyfriend...” Blaine explained to Nick.

“Do you know why?”

It was almost disheartening how quickly Blaine shook his head in response, “Not entirely no but I have a few theories. Kurt's given me some clues as well. He told me he had his heart broken, his trust was shattered and it’s never recovered. Whatever happened to him exactly has made him believe that love isn't real or anything he'd want. I’ve tried to remember all that but am I so crazy to hope that maybe at some point I could change his mind?"

"I wish I could show him how he deserves to be loved and that he isn't so cut off from emotion as he claims to be. I get the feeling when I ask him, no matter what Kurt's answer is, I won't like it. It's gonna be one of the two; either I can't change his views on love or someone already has...” Blaine moped, he wasn't making a lot of sense towards the end but it was all he could manage.

While Nick felt real compassion for his friend’s situation he wasn’t about to coddle him. “Don't make me slap you again Blaine. I'm not a violent person...” Nick warned, though he wasn't being serious with the threat. “Okay so lemme ask you again, now what?”

Blaine just shrugged, “I'm going to lay low for a couple of days. I can't face Kurt in my current mind state; it would only be a suicide mission if I tried. Then before I leave for home, I'll face him and find out the real answer,” Blaine answered.

“Even if Kurt's with Sebastian, you could fight for him, try to steal him away?” Nick suggested.

The look of sheer disgust on Blaine's face showed how he was starting to bounce back to get a little sassy. “No way! I want Kurt to be happy, I'm not that kind of person!” He scoffed.

The reverse psychology ploy had worked and Nick's expression softened as he patted Blaine on the shoulder with pride. “Good, I was just testing you. Blaine... you're not gonna wanna hear this but... maybe it's just not to meant to be. With you and Kurt, in the end it could be better that things turned out this way.”

The stubborn side of Blaine was back to normal and he shook his head again. “No.... there's something between us Nick. I'm not imagining the connection either I felt it. I've never been so sure of anything in my life, there's a spark... if Kurt would just drop his walls then he'd notice it. He's trying so hard to be someone he's not to survive but Kurt can't let what happened to him in the past ruin his future. I have no idea what he went through and I'm not saying his life choices were wrong. I don't know his reasons either. Kurt needs to know that someone could love him entirely, including the parts of him that are flawed, weak and scarred. Because it's already happened, I love him Nick... so very much... I still don't know much about him, or his life. But no matter what, I love him with all of my being. Feelings like this, they don't just happen without a reason. I feel like Kurt came into my life because maybe... just maybe I'm suppose to help him heal….” Blaine described softly. “That if his shattered heart can fully mend, we could make a future together... and be happy,” he finished with a longing sigh.

Breakfast was done and so was Nick's less than gentle prodding towards Blaine. Seeing the love on his face made him stop trying. “For your sake Blaine, I hope you're right,” Nick commented.

“That makes two of us.”
________________________________________________________________________

Somehow (as if Kurt's life could get even more fucked up) the impossible had happened; Blaine was avoiding him. Coming to this conclusion had taken a couple of days and now he was sure of it. The single most frustrating fact was that Kurt had no idea what he'd done for Blaine to give him the cold shoulder. His first fear was that Blaine had finally come to his senses and realized Kurt wasn't the worth the time and effort to be around. It seemed so out of character for Blaine to be that cold.

It hadn't happened so suddenly either. At first Blaine explained he had a lot going on and was too busy to spend time with Kurt. Which was understandable, since Blaine had a job and an entire social life Kurt wasn't really connected to. But as the week went on Blaine's excuses became less believable, he was too honest a person and Kurt concluded, a bad liar.

When Kurt tried to retrace his steps or back to when the unexplained behaviour in Blaine had begun, the first inkling was the night of the duet competition. Kurt had planned for his first usage of his tab winnings to be spent on Blaine that night, but his plans to treat his friend were ruined. Blaine's excuse for being MIA that night was nothing more than something had come up unexpectedly. At the time Kurt had believed him since Blaine's usual track record was infraction free, but now Kurt had changed his tune. Bringing them to now, where Kurt hadn't seen Blaine for over a week, heard his voice for four days and he could no longer turn a blind eye.

Kurt was worried, Blaine wasn’t like this, Sebastian sure but Blaine? Never. Why the hell was Blaine giving Kurt the brush off? If he was trying to cut Kurt out of his life, then he should at least have the nerve to tell him directly and why. He couldn't think of one time they'd had a real argument and Kurt had sworn any issues with turning Blaine's sexual advances down were over and done with. The only thing left to consider was that perhaps Blaine was seeing someone. That was certainly a legitimate reason for Blaine's social life to become so occupied. But then why would Blaine keep that a secret? Weren't they good friends? Was Blaine trying to hide his possible new boyfriend from Kurt, like he was ashamed?

If Blaine was laying low in hopes that Kurt could take a hint then that plan was failing. In fact, Kurt discovered he wasn't taking the involuntary separation from Blaine very well. After barely getting to hang out back when Kurt and Sebastian were busy rehearsing, Kurt's missing Blaine was more intensified. Making him more confused, frustrated and pissed off at everything, bringing himself full circle. Other times the friends had been apart Kurt had countless things to keep him distracted. Like visiting Mercedes in LA and final exams. This time there was nothing to keep him from missing Blaine and he was bored out of his mind in consequence.

Kurt wasn't very proud of his current state, lying on the couch as he tried to watch a movie. Not that he was really into the film anyway; Kurt was actually trying to figure out what to do next. All Kurt knew was what he wouldn't do, and that was spend time with his other friend named Sebastian, who'd been just as absent lately. The difference between his friends was that concerning Sebastian the avoidance was mutual.

Sebastian and Kurt's arrangement had reached a weird phase since the duet competition and their solution was to give each other some space. Kurt was more than fine with that decision but the side effect was Kurt didn't have sex to distract him either. Nor was he that hard up that he'd look for action elsewhere, despite his hook-up before. Kurt wasn't in the mood to find a new sexual partner and he was unsure if he ever would. Of course even with Sebastian not around over the last week their being roommates meant they still crossed paths.

Kurt heard the sound of keys in the lock and didn't react; he had no reason to. So when the door swung open to reveal Sebastian Smythe, looking as cocky as ever, Kurt didn't even turn to look his way.

“Well, well, well... look who's home yet again, no surprise there,” Sebastian announced as he stepped inside the apartment.

Kurt didn’t respond to Sebastian’s jab, he wasn't in the mood. What did make Kurt a little wary was how normally Sebastian never bothered to address Kurt when he came home. This either meant his self-centered demeanour was easing up, or he'd noticed Kurt's depression and planned to torment him about it.

Kurt didn't need to make a guess to which one it would be, not when Sebastian's expression said it all. If he had been in better spirits Kurt might have tried to redirect Sebastian's mind to sex but his heart wasn't in it. Or rather, his current lack-luster sex drive. “Yes, look at me, sitting here and having to listen to your wank, pity me,” Kurt muttered, giving little effort in the statement.

Sebastian's response was to laugh at Kurt's misery, like he truly found it amusing, because he did. “Oh how the snarky has fallen, this is why you should have kept to your game plan,” Sebastian declared as he tossed his keys on the kitchen counter. He came to stand over Kurt at the couch, giving him a judgemental stare, causing Kurt to tense up from the scrutiny the look held.

“What?” Kurt moaned in annoyance, he wasn't angry yet, but he had a feeling that was about to change.

“You caught feelings, Kurt.”

“Don't fucking flatter yourself, Sebastian,” Kurt barked in defence.

“I didn't say those feelings were for me,” Sebastian said casually.

Sebastian grinned at Kurt with giddy excitement that any sensible person would fear. But Kurt was probably the first individual who could handle Sebastian's ways and he showed this by giving his friend a tired look and held his tongue. Sebastian saw this was the perfect moment to confront Kurt, when he was too distraught to do anything he normally did when Sebastian tried to push his buttons. Sebastian kept his eyes on Kurt as he plopped down on the couch, keeping his distance at the opposite end. He noticed how Kurt's demeanour became ridged and his body language showed how uncomfortable he was. Which meant he was starting to anticipate his roommate’s actions.

Kurt had noticed he was coming to understand Sebastian's ways and he was unsure if he should be proud or alarmed. He knew where the bastard was planning to go with this and he wasn't about to allow it. Kurt had reached his breaking point and needed to show even he had his limits.

Kurt stood up and walked into his bedroom, shutting the door without a single word. Little good that did, it had been a fool’s hope that Sebastian wouldn't follow him but it seemed Sebastian was just as bored as Kurt.

The door opened and Sebastian was glad he'd never bothered getting locks for the bedroom doors when he got the place. Kurt was trying his best to ignore his intruder by sitting on the bed as he through an issue of vogue magazine. Oh what fun this would be, Kurt had never been this pathetic before and Sebastian was having a blast. Of course no one, not even Kurt would know that deep down his actions were carefully planned and for a good cause. One that the target wouldn't feel grateful about but as usual, Sebastian didn't care.

“You're so in love with Blaine, Kurt,” he accused, being completely serious. He knew exactly what to say to get a rise out of Kurt.

Only Kurt didn't panic, countering his game plan by not giving Sebastian the reaction he knew his friend was hoping for. Instead he simply narrowed his eyes warningly, because exploding with rage would lead to hot angry sex and he wasn't about to reward him. With no hope of avoidance, Kurt knew the longer the he tried to evade the accusation the more intrusive Sebastian would become with his attempts. The only alternative left to Kurt was to give in and face the question, even when Kurt wanted to keep his thoughts on the matter repressed. “You're off your rocker,” Kurt replied, deciding to be creative and use old slang instead of swearing for once.

“Really? Then why are you acting exactly like Blaine when he was pinning over you?” Sebastian asked.

During the wait for Kurt to reply Sebastian started to walk around Kurt's bedroom and snooped through his personal belongings. How come whenever Sebastian became unbearable it was always when Kurt was deep in denial? Again his reaction was calm and collected. “You're wrong Sebastian, yes I miss him but only as a friend,” Kurt corrected.

But Sebastian knew better than that, he understood Kurt better by this point too. Kurt's subdued mood only proved how hard he was trying to toss the notion aside. If he'd gotten feisty and use his normal defence, snark, then Sebastian would have given up by now. “Sorry, not buying it Kurt... ‘cause I've seen all the signs before, on Blaine most recently. Your pathetic state aside, if I'm so wrong. Then why has Blaine been MIA for the last week?”

“Maybe he's fed up with you,” Kurt muttered.

“Nope, we both know that's not how Blaine works, babe. If he had a problem with me, he'd tell me. The only time he keeps his trap shut is when it's due to feelings... and they're usually about you,” Sebastian countered.

Giving the silent treatment never worked on Sebastian but then, Kurt was terrible at it to begin with so it was time to go in another direction. Sebastian chose to go with an old fail-safe, getting in Kurt's personal space and closing in on him still sitting on the bed. Kurt backed up until there was nowhere else to go, further pushing him into a corner but not trying to elude Sebastian all together. Whenever Sebastian messed with Kurt like this there was always fun to be had and for once, his intentions were almost noble.

Sebastian knew exactly what Kurt needed, a reality check. Kurt needed to face the cold hard truth. He had give him no way to deflect or run, or rather, to go deeper into denial. There was always the off chance that if Kurt finally admitted his feelings for Blaine it would change the three's whole dynamic. That turn out didn't bother Sebastian but he doubted Kurt would have the balls to admit anything. So their being fuck buddies would remain as it always had, casual and without any real demands.

Somehow since meeting, Kurt had become a friend in the process, in addition to their being roommates and long term (for them anyway) fuck buddies. Kurt had fucked his way into Sebastian's life and somehow hadn't been tossed aside and forgotten like all the rest before him. Sebastian was fine to admit that but he wasn't Blaine so he didn't feel any urge to think more on the subject, back to his usual mind tricks.

“Fine, keep being a pansy then, see if I care,” Sebastian said finally, pushing another one of Kurt's buttons effortlessly.

The result of their knowing each other for nearly three months meant that Kurt proved he could get the upper hand at times, and was still bent on not taking the bait. “Not gonna work Sebastian, I'm not getting angry,” he said. Kurt was becoming tired of Sebastian's protruding ways, if he was forced to be in the same room as the prick, there were far better things to use him for. “If you want to have sex then save yourself the trouble and just say so,” Kurt added.

“I'm not actually looking for sex here,” Sebastian corrected.

“Hah! When aren't you looking for sex?” Kurt countered.

“You brought it up, not me.”

“This time maybe... so do you wanna fuck or not?” Kurt chimed mockingly.

Sebastian hid his true reaction of Kurt's current mindset; he was actually surprised by it. No matter how well he'd figured Kurt's thought patterns and idiosyncrasies out, the guy could still surprise him, who knew. But since Sebastian was the king of subtle, his usual smugness never wavered and he simply shrugged. “I'm just trying to make it so I don't have to come home to... this... all the time now,” Sebastian gestured at Kurt to clarify what 'this' meant. “Because you could get murderous in the end.”

Kurt rolled his eyes for the first time in a long while. “I told you, I'm not a schizophrenic and your life is not in danger,” Kurt snapped almost sounding hurt.

The bruised tone of Kurt's voice didn't make Sebastian become stricken with remorse; instead he beamed at Kurt. Sebastian knew what his next course of action would be and he could hardly wait for the results. No more pushing Kurt into corners; it was time to knock him out of his comfort zone all together. “Maybe Blaine thinks we're in love?” He suggested without any warning.

That theory got Kurt's temper out at last, to seething levels and Kurt shot up from the couch like a rocket. “That's fucking insane!” Kurt bellowed.

“Tell me about it, but Blaine doesn't think like us. You can't be that dense, Kurt. Think about it for a second instead of giving up the will to live. He disappeared right after the duet competition at Feeling, which we won. Remember that totally fake kiss we shared at the end... maybe we were so believable Blaine bought it too. It took most of the night to convince the club goers we're allergic to love and relationships,” Sebastian concluded.

The anger levels in Kurt were rising at a dangerous rate and he wasn't sure what pissed him off more. That Sebastian was making sense with his accusations or that Blaine would actually think such things and not ask him outright. “You've passed delusional and gone straight to earning a first class ticket to the closest insane asylum. You're wrong again!” Kurt barked. Denial was so second nature to him at this point that Kurt did it without thinking and it was his usual response to Blaine and feelings as of late.

If Kurt's first instinct was to deny then Sebastian's was to smile, but his grin wasn't in any way meant to be supportive. Time to get to the nitty-gritty and throw Kurt out the window (metaphorically speaking).

“So you don't love me then?” Sebastian asked all of a sudden.

“Never going to happen,” Kurt scoffed.

“Blaine's just being stupid?”

“If he thinks we're in love, then yes.”

“And you haven't caught feelings for me?”

“No,” Kurt assured him.

“So it's fine for us to keep fucking?” Sebastian asked smoothly.

“Yes.”

“You don't want anything to change?”

“No.”

“And you're sure you don't love me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to love me?”

“No.”

“But you're in love Blaine?”

“Yes,” Kurt answered without thinking.

It took Kurt a few long agonizing minutes to realize what he had just said, but Sebastian breaking out into muffled laughter was a big hint. Kurt ran back through his memory to register Sebastian's questions and his subsequent answers, until he came to the final one. He had gone from slightly annoyed to enraged and in reality he was more upset at himself than at his roommate. Kurt wished he could just ignore the whole thing, he didn't want to deal with it, and it wasn't true. Kurt's heart wasn't capable of feeling love; it was too far gone, too broken. Even if by some miracle Kurt had healed enough to yearn for love, his mind knew better than his stupid heart. Nothing good would come of it, he would only break Blaine's heart and Kurt would hate himself that much more.

So Kurt kept his weaker self, the dreamer and hopeless romantic caged up and locked away, far from Blaine's vulnerable heart. “Don't think your stupid trick proves anything, because I don't. You can say one thing and mean another.... you wonderful example of a human being,” Kurt said, his voice totally serious and lacking any emotion, expect for the last part.

“Sure, fine, just keep running from emotion. I honestly don't give a fuck about your love life, or lack there of,” Sebastian stated.

“Then why put me through all this fuckery?” Kurt demanded.

Naturally Sebastian didn't answer at first, coming to hover over Kurt, who was sitting on the edge of the bed instead. With Kurt's back already touching the headrest there was nowhere for Kurt to go, a fact that Sebastian had bet on.

Sebastian's smug smile in victory was not fun to be forced to watch, but if it kept him off the subject of Blaine, Kurt was willing to offer is body to accomplish it.

“So if Blaine doesn't think we're a couple... maybe he's going to confess to you, if he hasn't already,” Sebastian whispered in Kurt's ear.

For once Kurt was fine to be the one to initiate the start of sex between them, not just to shut the fucker up but also to prove Kurt didn't want anything to change with either of the men in his life. Kurt pulled Sebastian to lie down on top of him and began to move his hips, grinding their groins together. “Do you want sex or not?” Kurt growled.

“Not really,” Sebastian answered casually. But then he attacked Kurt's mouth with his own and kissed him deeply. Sebastian had no aversion to sex after all, and he was curious to see if their time apart would affect the intensity of orgasms. “But since you seem to want it that badly, I'll show mercy for once,” he finished.

“You're lucky you know how to fuck,” Kurt muttered as he began to unzip Sebastian's fly.
____________________________________________________________________

Kurt, we need to talk.

For once Kurt didn't want to talk to Blaine despite how much he had missed his friend over the last week. Kurt still had no idea what Blaine wanted to discuss, would he ask if he and Sebastian were together? Or would he end up confessing his love to Kurt again and this time sober, with no hope of disregarding it.

Kurt wanted to run but there was no point to prolong the inevitable and Kurt was well aware. He knew deep down it had reached a point where neither was an option anymore. Blaine didn't deserve it, and no matter how distant he had become Kurt owed him. So he'd man up and they'd talk. He couldn't help himself from thinking this could very well mark the end of his friendship with Blaine and that was the hardest thing to face. While he didn't intend to go that far and decline, Kurt decided to test Blaine a bit to see if there was any need to worry.

Should I be worried? I haven't heard from you for a week, Blaine. I'm also sort of busy...

The wait for Blaine's reply was almost agonizing as Kurt sat at a table in his favourite coffee shop, his eyes transfixed on the screen of his phone.

I'm sorry, I had a lot to deal with. Look, this had to be said in person. It can't wait either.

So there was no escaping it then, Blaine had something big to tell. Kurt tried to quiet his mind so he wouldn't begin to over-analyze what that something could be. There was little point now, he'd find out soon enough.

Okay, I'll head home now, come over and we can talk.

Thank you, Kurt.

Blaine showed up at Kurt's apartment twenty minuets later. But he knew there was no turning back now, so he rang the doorbell. It opened immediately to reveal Kurt, who had a soft expression on his handsome face and the two stared at one another. They hadn't seen each other’s faces for a week and all they could do was force weak smiles in exchange.

“Hey,” Kurt said softly.

“Hi,” Blaine replied back, his voice equally meek.

“How did a whole week go by without us seeing each other, Blaine?” Kurt asked next.

Blaine sighed as he stepped inside the room, he'd get no chance to stall it seemed. “That was my fault and I'm really sorry Kurt... because I of course missed you... I just needed some time,” Blaine began.

“Was it something I did? Or anything I said to you?” Kurt asked nervously.

Blaine shook his head as his smile grew warmer and more genuine, though on the inside he was struggling to hold himself together. He had to do this, no more staying silent on every conflicting thought in his mind. It was hard to ignore that Blaine wasn't trying to find the courage to tell Kurt he loved him. Instead he was trying to ask Kurt if Sebastian already was the person he longed to be with and now was. Despite Nick's warnings that he had no solid proof, Blaine just somehow knew it was too late. He'd been kidding himself (they both had) that wanting different things from each other wouldn't be an issue. They had been using each other, not on purpose or for evil reasons but it had happened nonetheless.

Now Blaine was exhausted from the whole charade. “Not exactly... and not intentionally...” Blaine said reluctantly. He glanced over at Kurt and thought that maybe this time he was wrong and all hope wasn't lost. 'Say it Kurt, say you don't love him... tell me it's all in my head and I can keep loving you,' Blaine pleaded with his eyes.

Kurt had never mastered the talent of reading people’s body cues for hints so he didn't get the silent message. Kurt saw that Blaine's pleading eyes were saying something very different than their real intent. To Kurt's naive and inexperienced eyes it looked like Blaine was thinking 'I love you and I have to tell you, say something,'. While Kurt couldn't give Blaine what he wanted, he had to get through this, for both their sakes. Normally Kurt refrained from allowing himself to hope but this time, he was still clinging to the idea that they could get through this and remain friends. “Blaine... you don't have to do this... I know what you're going to say...”

The softness in Kurt's voice was making Blaine's heart sink. Kurt had finally noticed Blaine's perceptiveness when it came to the roommates. That had to be why Kurt had never bothered to contact him during Blaine’s radio silence, because he knew it wasn't necessary. Blaine had foolishly hoped that when he tried to keep his distance, Kurt would miss him enough to make the first move. But Blaine attempts to play hard to get hadn't worked and now he was paying for his childishness. As Blaine's assumptions were being confirmed as the truth it was hard for him to keep listening.

Blaine gulped for air, he was almost choking on so much remorse. “Was I that obvious?” Blaine asked, trying to keep himself together for his friend’s sake.

Kurt ended up buying Blaine's act that he was fine and he cracked a small smile in response, misinterpreting his humour at the same time. If Blaine could joke about this then that would make it easier to finally admit some things to Blaine. Ever since Sebastian's stupid little word game the day before, Kurt had begun to learn denial wasn't always effective. “Maybe... if I hadn't been so deep into denial to notice. It was Sebastian who made me realize... because I'm fucked up Blaine, you need to know that. I no longer know how to notice the signs myself or I never had the chance to in the first place. By the time I did it was already too late and in my broken ignorance I fooled myself into thinking it wouldn't turn out this way. Now as I stand in front of you, looking at those big brown eyes of yours I know it has and... you got hurt in the process,” Kurt said, choking up a little at the end. His lip began to quiver as he fought the impulse to break down. Not now, not this time. “I'm so sorry Blaine... I never wanted to cause you any pain... but I'm not who you think I am, I can't be...” Kurt struggled, his voice becoming hoarse from strain.

So Kurt had no romantic feelings for him, he had fallen in love with Sebastian. It hurt but Blaine saw how Kurt was trying to let him down as gently as possible. He'd tried to prepare himself for this but nothing could have helped him. “Neither of us could of guess it would come to this.”

It was easier for Kurt to embrace honesty when it would be entirely for Blaine's sake and he gave a little nod in agreement. “It's not like I don't realize what an amazing person you are, Blaine. What you need to understand is... I can't offer you anything. The person I've become, there's no way I could fit into your life harmoniously... if we were to try we'd only break apart. Our being together other would lead to nothing but pain and regret... I can't do that to you, you deserve better,” Kurt continued, trying to make his friend see the light.

Kurt wasn't some tragic hero, beautiful and brave, who deserved Blaine Anderson's love. He was the anti-hero, a broken shard of a man who used to believe in romance. Kurt was beginning to choke on the bitterness he was feeling. If it took walking out of each other’s lives to keep that pure heart of Blaine's intact, then he'd do it. Kurt didn’t allow himself to think about his own wants, he couldn't be selfish and keep Blaine all for himself, because Blaine could never be his. So Kurt chose denial once more, this time not letting himself think if he had actual feelings for Blaine and if so, what those were exactly. He reverted to his usual habit of blocking emotion from entering his heart to remain alone. Because he was use to that type of pain already, so he'd deny himself the joy of knowing Blaine.

“Blaine... you don't have to tell me anything. I don't want to put you through the pain from saying out loud what's changed,” Kurt offered.

But Blaine was still a kind soul who gave so naturally that even in this situation he had to remain a giver. “You don't have to do this either Kurt, I'm touched but don't... not for my sake. I bet this is just as hard for you and while it's appreciated, it's not needed. I really should have noticed far sooner... maybe then I could have accepted it earlier...” Blaine replied as he put on a brave smile, 'and better,' Blaine added in thought.

Kurt hid his pain behind a perfectly acted smile. “Which 'it' do you mean?” he asked in a moment’s weakness.

Blaine let out an awkward laugh, so he'd have to say it outright then, wonderful, but Kurt had asked so he'd answer. “That you already have what you need... and want... and it isn't me,” Blaine replied, keeping his forced smile on his face.

Kurt let out a sigh, that comment was true, what Kurt needed was to keep away from romantic attachment. Now that Blaine was being caring enough to speak to Kurt honestly, it was his turn to do the same. Only Kurt was no longer sure if Blaine was leading to a confession now, so it was time to find out once and for all. “I should still say it Blaine, because staying silent on the matter clearly was a big fuck up on my part,” Kurt pointed out. “I probably should have realized things would turn out this way... that such a connection was there from the beginning. I resisted the signs for the longest time but to no avail. I suppose it was sex that made it harder to ignore... like being intimate brought on a true realization. Still at first I didn't notice, sex isn't supposed to be like that for me... it's nothing but a physical sensation that feels good. So for a very long time, I wouldn't allow myself to think it could be more, or that it was possible for me to not only accept but embrace... on any level. But it crept up on me and... well... knowing what I'm like you can probably imagine how it went from there,” Kurt began. He was far too nervous and caught up in the moment to consider how misleading his words could be taken as.

It took glancing over at Blaine and seeing his distraught expression to feel horrible and Kurt let out a frustrated cry. “Fuck I hate this! I know I keep saying it but I'm idiot when it comes to this stuff!” Kurt swore in anger. “The worst part is I didn't think about your feelings during all of this and how the change might affect you. So I'm really sorry... about a lot of things... here I am trying to explain myself and make it clear for you and I'm still messing up! I'm clearly over estimating myself,” Kurt grumbled.

While Blaine hardly enjoyed hearing what had lead to Kurt and Sebastian's becoming an actual couple, Kurt was being so vague in trying to explain what happened exactly. But Blaine was fine with that because he didn't want to know. He couldn't, not when every word would be a blow to his heart. Blaine held up his hand to stop Kurt, but didn't reach out to touch him, that was beyond his current limit. “Relax Kurt... take a deep breath... because I have no intention of making any heartfelt confession,” Blaine assured him, seeing the relief wash over Kurt was the turning point for Blaine and proved he needed to walk away. “Because now I see they’re would be no point... it's clear you've found the person you need, who actually fits into your life. It just took me a while to accept it wasn't me... that it was him...”

“Him?” Kurt asked in confusion.

Blaine thought Kurt was trying to be playful to break the tension, so he just kept going. “If anyone could get Sebastian Smythe to fall in love… it would be you, Kurt,” Blaine replied with a weak smile.

Kurt nearly did a double take; it was like Blaine was speaking in a different language. What the hell was he going on about? When Kurt heard Blaine say his name, Sebastian’s and love in the same sentence he was hit with a horrible realization. Blaine hadn't been planning to tell Kurt he loved him at all. He actually thought that Kurt and Sebastian were together, as some sort of couple, complete with genuine feelings.

Kurt was so shocked that he could barely think straight. True, no one besides he and Sebastian knew what was going on between them. To mere observers with no actual facts or emotional insight it could be assumed that there were feelings to go along with the sex. “Blaine...” Kurt began but then he stopped himself from correcting Blaine's mistake.

It could have been so easily done. All Kurt needed to do was tell Blaine he was wrong and that Kurt had been referring to the connection between he and Blaine, not with Sebastian. But then it suddenly dawned on him that this was the escape route Blaine needed to come out unscathed. If Blaine could walk away with his heart in tact then Kurt would let himself become the villain and purposely lie to a person as wonderful as Blaine. And what a lie it would be. Truthfully Kurt was very selfish to take this out, proving he could never leave denial for long.

Hating himself for going through with the ruse, Kurt glanced and Blaine and went there. “It's probably for the best... for it to turn out this way, you won't get hurt anymore. I've been selfish... leading you on... and I'm so sorry for any pain I've caused you. You have to know... that was never my intent,” Kurt said softly, glad he was able remain honest for one moment more.

Blaine appreciated what Kurt was trying to do. It was his turn to be just as mature. “I'm happy for you Kurt... my own feelings aside... I'm glad you found the person who can make you happy. That in between all the fighting and taunting, you two were able to be honest to each other. I guess snarky banter is how you and Sebastian show affection huh, well that and the kiss you shared up on the stage at Feeling last week,” Blaine rambled awkwardly. “Only now uh... I don't know what to say next,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Me either,” Kurt added with a strained laughed. 'But that's a lie, I know what I need to do is not be selfish anymore,' Kurt thought to himself. If he couldn't give Blaine his own heart in return then he had no right to keep hold of Blaine's, in any capacity.

“I dunno whether to cry or scream right now,” Blaine groaned.

“Blaine... is this the final deal breaker for us?” Kurt asked softly, afraid to hear the answer.

Blaine was loosing his grip on his emotions and the question wasn't helping. His lip quivered and Blaine couldn't hold back anymore. The tears began to fall and when he looked back at Kurt he saw the love of his life wasn't fairing any better. “I guess I’m gonna go with cry...” he sobbed.

“This is goodbye isn't it?” Kurt demanded.

“Kurt...” Blaine warned.

“No, we can't turn a blind eye to this Blaine... tell me... is this the end for us?”

“I don't know Kurt, and that's the honest to god truth. It's too hard for me right now... I can't stay and watch you and Sebastian be together. The life we knew has to change, we can't be so dysfunctional anymore... not when feelings have developed and I'm the odd man out. I need time... a lot of it… to sort my feelings out... time away from you. I don't want to need that but I do all the same. I don't want to feel pain every time I look at you. So I'm going back home to visit my family for the rest of the summer. I don't know if by the time I come back for school I'll have any answers but I sure as hell will try. I really will Kurt... because even if you chose Sebastian, I still treasure our friendship and I don't want to lose you. But I need to accept that in many ways... I already have... and loosing you to Sebastian isn't easy to come to terms with. I don't want to hate him because for once he didn't do anything wrong and I can't blame him for developing feelings for you,” Blaine added.

Kurt needed to get away before he broke his unrehearsed act. “Maybe we both need to take a step back. It will hurt but in the end it might be the only answer. I know first hand the world is a cruel place with little regard for our well being,” Kurt offered.

“Before I go... I have to know Kurt, do you regret us meeting and what's happened between us since then?”

It would be so easy for Kurt to lie to Blaine but he was already lying to him so much. Blaine deserved some truth so Kurt did his best to make some sort of amends for his other wrong doings. He walked over to Blaine and touched his shoulder lightly, running his hand down the small of his back gently. “Some parts yes but not when it comes to meeting you and becoming your friend Blaine. Whether we can recover from this or not, I'll never regret that.”

Blaine could barely hide the remorse he felt with his aching heart from Kurt, so he simply nodded in agreement. He couldn't say he agreed, not when he was unsure if they regretted the same parts of their journey together. He had to leave but in his weakened state he needed one last memory to make him be able to walk away. “Kurt... can I hold you?” he pleaded.

Kurt let out a quiet sob, he wanted to say yes, but if he let that happen Kurt was unsure if he could let Blaine go. So he shook his head, “Please don't ask me that Blaine... I want to but I can't,” he admitted.

Blaine tried to hide his disappointment, but Kurt had a boyfriend now. “Sorry... I should go...” he began as he turned in place and look towards the door.

“Blaine, wait!” Kurt finally cried out and he took hold of Blaine's arm, his grip almost crushing. “Close your eyes,” he urged.

Blaine could never say no to Kurt and he felt no desire to, so he simply closed his eyes and waited. He soon felt the familiar sensation of Kurt's soft lips brushing against his own and how Kurt began to put pressure into the kiss. Blaine remained passive and didn't kiss him back, instead burning the sensation into his mind so he would never forget Kurt's goodbye kiss. There wasn't much chance for it to become a longing memory though as Kurt kept it short and sweet.

By the end of the kiss Blaine's eyes were still closed as he pulled back and withdrew to a safe distance once more. When Blaine managed to open his eyes, Kurt was nowhere in sight.

“Kurt?” he called out but there was no answer. Blaine placed his hands in his pockets as he made way for the door, having no more reason to stay. This was the right move; there would be no actual goodbye, since neither of them knew if it truly was. But that was a lie, Blaine already knew if he couldn't have Kurt then it had to be the end. “Kurt... I love you and… I'm glad to have met you,” he said in closing and walked out of the apartment

But Kurt wasn't close enough to heart Blaine's final words, he was safely inside his room and out of sight with his back pressed against the closed door. He was already breaking down to the point of hysteric crying, shaking and sobbing with pain. Kurt slid down along the door and slumped onto the floor, still unhinged as he tried to let out all his frustrations.

Thankfully Sebastian was gone for the weekend and the apartment was sound proofed so no would hear or see the state he was in. Kurt's walls were shattered from having to do one of the worst things in his life, second only to one horrible situation in high school. Where Kurt had to walk back into the halls of McKinley and see the proof that his reputation had been ruined beyond repair. Watching everyone look at him with distaste or worse had been hard to endure but right now, it was nothing but a memory.

Blaine deserved better, Kurt's letting him go needed to happen and lying had made their parting easier for him. “You fucking weakling! Why didn't you just go away like I wanted you to? No! You just hang to cling to hope and stay alive. Well I hope you're happy, you shitface, look what good that did! Feelings only lead to fucking hurt, you hear that heart! Emotion only leads to pain!” Kurt shouted at himself.

It took far longer than Kurt wanted but he eventually reached a point where there was nothing left in him to emote. Numb and worn out, Kurt tried to recover, using what had worked before when he had hit rock bottom.

He would get through his, he was used to pain; he always picked himself back up and rebuilt the broken pieces. Stronger walls would replace the old ones, to make him impervious to emotional attachment. With Blaine gone from his life, there would be no danger to his emotional walls. Blaine was too miraculous for anyone else to slip through his barriers like he had. He'd use this experience like had with all the others; this new pain would make him stronger. Let this be a reminder to why romance was dead, at least for himself.

“Goodbye you fucking dreamer, you better have followed Blaine out the door,” he whispered to himself.

________________________________________________________________________

Kurt managed to keep his word though it quite a struggle at first but Kurt was a fighter who'd recovered from far worse. Kurt's answer to fill the void Blaine's departure had left was to throw himself into his work. He ended up designing a number of outfits, making countless couture for the summer season as well as starting on his fall wardrobe. At his actual workplace Kurt had impressed his boss so much her praise held no bounds. Most of all Kurt was proud that Sebastian didn't notice his inner turmoil he was fighting with behind his newly rebuilt emotional walls.

Even now Kurt was still clinging to denial in his usual stubborn way, by not letting himself admit how much Blaine's absence was affecting him. Because if he were to do that then Kurt would never be able to climb out of the soul crushing depression it would unleash in him. Instead he ignored the dull ache in his chest, buried it down and under his other brushes with pain and kept his emotional walls around his heart, more tightly than ever before. In succeeding to do that Kurt had fooled himself into thinking he was stronger than ever, a force to be reckoned with and not someone too scared to admit to his true feelings.

Sebastian's lack of keen sense pertaining Kurt meant two possibilities, either Kurt was pulling to wool over his eyes or Sebastian was so bored with the whole thing and he'd given up and Kurt was fine with either. At first Kurt didn't care to find out the answer until he began to notice a change in Sebastian. This went beyond boredom or the need for space between the pair of clashing fuck buddies. The change was gradual at first, which was why it had taken Kurt so long to fully notice.

Sebastian had become withdrawn to the point he was no longer bothering to taunt or tease Kurt with his usual smugness anymore. As the days passed Sebastian was becoming quiet, subdued and distant and that brought forth the alarm in Kurt's normally observant mind. Now Kurt was worried because this wasn't typical Sebastian Smythe behaviour. Nothing affected his attitude or got a rise out of him. Kurt realized they hadn't had sex for over a week as well, not since the day after Blaine had left. Not that Kurt was pissed about Sebastian withholding sex from him for any reason; he wasn't that desperate.

At first Kurt had been too focused on adjusting to Blaine's departure to even want any sexual distractions to notice. What in the hell was wrong with Sebastian? Kurt knew being direct was the only way to get to the bottom of things. Unlike with Blaine, Kurt had no problem approaching Sebastian when it came to the truth.

It turned out there was no need to ask him since just when Kurt had planned to Sebastian's normal annoying personality (full of his superior air and smugness) were back and at full force.

Kurt was minding his own business sitting at a booth in Blaine's favourite diner when Sebastian appeared out of nowhere and took a seat in Blaine's usual spot.

“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked.

“Trying to eat in peace,” Kurt answered, not bothering to look at him.

“So were you just going to ignore the elephant in the room?”

“I don't know what you are referring to,” Kurt answered absentmindedly.

“The lack of Blaine... or should I call him to get an actual answer?” Sebastian commented as he held out his cell and called Blaine up.

Kurt lashed out and grabbed the phone out of Sebastian's hand; going so far as to delete Blaine's number from his contact list. “Don't you fucking dare call him, Sebastian!” Kurt warned seething with anger.

“Like either your empty threats or deleting his number will stop me... so you better tell me before I call him anyway,” Sebastian threatened.

“Blaine's gone, he's out of the picture now... we're done,” Kurt answered flatly.

“What does that even mean? Did you kill him and bury his remains?” Sebastian taunted not bothering to keep his jabs light.

Kurt narrowed his eyes at Sebastian. Why had he wanted the bastard to return to normal was anyone’s guess. “He's alive... as you well know, you fucking prick. It's better this way... easier...” Kurt muttered softly as his words began to trail off. The claim was hardly convincing because it was an outright lie, saying goodbye to Blaine had been anything but easy for Kurt to endure.

“So that's it then, you really think I'm gonna sit here and take your coded answer and accept that? Why the hell do you have the right to tell me who I can and can't have as a friend, Kurt?” Sebastian threw back.

Kurt glanced up at Sebastian, noticing the near venom in his voice. Was Kurt going crazy or was Sebastian actually becoming angry? That wasn't possible, even when they had shouting matches Sebastian never showed real anger, it was one of the many things about his friend Kurt found so infuriating. It was always a game to him, but now Sebastian had stopped playing around. Did he miss Blaine just as much as Kurt and for possibly the same reason? No, Sebastian wasn't capable of catching feelings, even for Blaine, there had to be a sensible reason.

“Are you actually becoming angry?” Kurt asked in confusion. “Have you caught feelings now?” He teased.

“Not a chance in hell, so stop deflecting by making this all about me. Are you really just going to graze past the fact that you told Blaine you and I are a couple? Because if you think about that fact then it sure looks like you're the one to have caught feelings... for me. Either that or you're so hung up over Blaine that you're gonna settle for me,” Sebastian announced.

“Like you're such a treasure to have,” Kurt commented giving one of his iconic eye-rolls.

“ At least I didn't lie to Blaine, or was dumb enough not to cover my tracks.”

“So you've talked to Blaine recently I take it?”

“He actually called me right before he headed back home. You forget Blaine knows how to be a good friend and actually tell people what's going on in his life. Seriously, if you had wanted me to keep quiet with your lie, you should have told me that, Kurt. Bad move... really bad move... at first I had no idea what was going on, which was new. It wasn't until Blaine told me he's happy for us but it's hard for him to accept that I caught on. Can't blame him there, the idea of us being in love is pretty unbelievable and sickening...” Sebastian said, stopping to make a fake shiver at the very idea. “Blaine's sure spunky though, he had the nerve to get sassy and say I'd better treat you right. Stop sleeping around and give commitment a try.”

Kurt let out a mortified groan, that was it then, the deal breaker had been reached. Blaine would never want to stay his friend now that the truth was out. Even if he was able to forgive and forget, Kurt couldn't let him. “Was he angry?” he asked. Kurt would be fine if he had gotten angry, what he couldn't deal with was if Blaine got more hurt.

“I actually didn't tell him the truth. Instead I said I'd let up on the casual sex partners, see if you could keep me satisfied on your own.”

“You what?” Kurt shouted in shock, bringing attention to himself throughout the diner and Kurt swore under his breath. Why were they out in public?

Sebastian let out a mocking laugh, waving in dismissal at Kurt's outburst. “I wasn't about to set the record straight, because I knew that's what you'd want. Then I'd be doing all the dirty work and Blaine would get mad and break it off between you two, without you having to lift a finger. I'm afraid you're gonna have to try a lot harder to get the better of me. So I just went with your lie. Now there's a way bigger fire to put out and this time, you're gonna get your hands dirty. The funniest thing is I guess this means you no longer care about becoming a liar. I'm impressed Kurt, didn't think you had it in you because lying to Blaine is pretty diabolical.”

“Oh god... do not compliment me, I'm begging you! Just wait until we get home...” Kurt grumbled as he put his money on the table, making his escape.

Sebastian proved he was indeed back to his old tricks when he stood up to follow close behind Kurt. Keeping quiet as the pair walked out of the diner, Sebastian knew what would come next. Kurt was about to tell him to fuck off, leave, or both. What did end up happening was unexpected when Kurt's name was called off in the distance.

“Kurt!” A familiar female shouted through the crowded street.

Kurt turned around to see his fashion design professor, Haley Cariss, hurrying up to him with her usual friendly smile on her face. Kurt let out a small groan; he wasn't ready to be polite to anyone at the moment. However, Kurt forced himself to return her smile since he practically worshipped her. “Oh, hey, Mrs. Cariss,” Kurt said in greeting.

“Hello Kurt, keeping busy during the summer?” She asked him playfully, the source of her current amusement became clear as she eyed Sebastian up and down, who was right beside Kurt. “Who's this?” she asked.

Kurt was about to introduce Sebastian as his roommate when Sebastian stepped forward.

“I'm Sebastian, Kurt's boyfriend,” Sebastian explained as he shook her hand. The fake charm he was putting on was almost sickening

“Really? Why am I not surprised you'd snag such a looker, Kurt,” Mrs. Cariss replied.

“Why thank you,” Sebastian told her with a wink.

“He's not...” Kurt began to protest but then Sebastian grabbed onto his shoulder affectionately.

“Kurt's not use to hearing me say that, as it's recent,” Sebastian interrupted.

“Ah well, I'm happy for you then Kurt, and I won't keep you. See you in September, I'm really excited to see what you'll bring this year,” Mrs. Cariss told them and she left with a wave.

When they were alone once more Kurt let up some of the control he had put on his flaring temper, but not completely. He'd save that unleashing until they were back at the apartment and then all bets would be off. “What the fuck was that all about?” Kurt blurted.

“Hmm? Oh, I'm just messing with you; I mean you did tell Blaine we were dating. How's lying to a teacher gonna matter much?” Sebastian said as he began to walk towards Kurt's car.

Kurt ended up driving them both home, it meant Kurt could yell at Sebastian and much sooner than if he kicked him to the curb and drove off. The second Kurt closed the door behind him he got right to having yet another show down.

“Okay, what the hell are you playing at Sebastian? Because I never would think you'd want something like this to spread. What if someone else hears and knowing how gossip moves, everyone will think we're a couple now!” Kurt shouted at him.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Sebastian said casually.

“Don’t you think I might?” Kurt pointed out.

“No, because you started it,” Sebastian threw back.

“Then explain to me why you're going along with it?” Kurt demanded.

“I just don't care,” Sebastian repeated.

Kurt was getting frustrated and so fed up with that answer, and he wasn't afraid to show it. “For your information when Blaine gets back I plan to set the record straight. Despite you making it more complicated than it already is! Blaine thought we were dating and I realized it's better that he does. If it makes him able to walk away and stop loving me, so be it. I don't give a fuck if people think you and I together because of it. But that doesn't mean I in any way want that to happen!” Kurt shouted.

“Neither do I,” Sebastian added in agreement.

“Then what the fuck is going on with you?” Kurt asked.

Sebastian, for the first time was not smiling, instead his usual smug grin fell into an actual angry scowl. A look that Kurt had mastered from the many times he'd been asked things he didn't have any urge to answer. That was normal for Kurt, but for Sebastian it wasn't and it was almost scary.

“Nothing that's your business Hummel, so fuck off,” Sebastian barked back.

The warning made Kurt laugh, he didn't mean to but he was so thrown off guard, this had to be another one of Sebastian's tricks. Some elaborate plan of Sebastian's, an act to get his way and push Kurt out of his comfort zone yet again. Or he could also just as likely be looking for a lay and riling them both up so they got all hot and bothered. Kurt had no idea if any of those scenarios was what was going on with his current personality change. Instead Kurt just went with the sudden role reversal since such scenes usually lead to sex.

“So what, now you're the one to be secretive? Is there something in your life you're ashamed enough to hide all of a sudden?” Kurt pushed.

Sebastian’s reaction was to come right up to Kurt's face and use their height difference to tower over him. “Fuck off... I'm warning you, don't push me. You do not want to see me get mad…” he warned.

Kurt now saw he wasn't bluffing; he meant it. “The fuck Sebastian! Who are you?” Kurt asked.

“Oh my god Kurt! Just shut the fuck up already! I don't want to deal with it!” Sebastian barked.

When Sebastian didn't make the first move to turn their anger into sexually charged energy Kurt frowned. He kept waiting for it though because Kurt still wasn't thinking about what might really be going on with Sebastian. Instead he was fine to take control because that did happen sometimes and the turn out always lead to a feel good free for all. For one fleeting second Kurt was worried the come on wouldn't be welcome. But fuck it, this was Sebastian Smythe, when wasn't he in the mood, fucking was like breathing to him. So in the heat of the moment Kurt went for it and kissed Sebastian hard on the mouth and he had expected his fuck buddy to respond. He did, but not in the way Kurt had expected. Sebastian expression went deadpan and he pulled Kurt away from him, actually physically pushing him away.

“No, get the fuck off of me!” Sebastian yelled.

Kurt stumbled backwards from the force behind that push, his eyes wide with shock. “Sebastian...” Kurt breathed, his voice full of concern.

Sebastian couldn't even look him in the eye at first, he was too focused on keeping his emotions in check. He glanced around the room, running a hand through his tussled hair as he let out an awkward cry, like he could just laugh it off.

“What's wrong? Would you just tell me?” Kurt urged.

Sebastian finally looked Kurt's way and what his friend saw shocked him into silence, it only lasted a second but the expression couldn't be ignored. Fear: unguarded and genuine terror, that's what had flashed on Sebastian's usual cocky face. He tried to hide it or make it to be some weird fluke but Sebastian could tell Kurt had noticed.

“No,” Sebastian’s voice was void of emotion; he walked out of the apartment without another word.

Leaving Kurt to stand dead still and trying to come to terms with how the impossible had just happened. Sebastian had actually turned down a sexual advance and physically pushed Kurt away. Kurt had no idea how to deal with this new side of Sebastian, one he never knew existed. He didn't know what to do, so for now the answer was to do nothing at all.
____________________________________________________________________

With both of the men in Kurt's life being gone, it was like the past four months had never happened and Kurt was alone once more. But when it came to Sebastian it wasn't entirely true, he was still around. He was just no longer the Sebastian Smythe Kurt knew; where was the cocky bastard who'd given Kurt his sexual awakening and a social life including actual friends?

Gone were the taunts, jabs, sexual innuendos and propositions. In fact all of the social aspects of their relationship were totally missing. It was the lack of sex between them that alarmed Kurt the most, not that he needed to fuck to stay sane or alive. Kurt had assumed that was the case for his roommate, who amazingly didn't seem to be getting much action lately. More often that not Sebastian stayed in his room, he hadn't gone to Feeling in days or had any visitors, or answered any possible bootie calls on his cell.

No matter how hard Kurt tried, Sebastian kept ignoring his roommate, barely saying two words to him whenever they crossed paths in the apartment.

Fine, let the selfish prick deal with whatever crap that’s caused his personality change on his own then. Though deep down Kurt hoped it wasn't something serious because selfish or not, Kurt didn't wish that on anyone. Kurt was glad to have a reason to leave the house that morning, as Sebastian was in a particularly volatile mood and had only told Kurt to fuck off when he tried to start a conversation in the kitchen.

Kurt let out a tired sigh as he climbed the stairs to their apartment, not bothering with the elevator this time. He had begun to think that Blaine had the right idea to head back home, so he was planning to go visit his parents soon himself. At least Lima didn't have a temperamental roommate to deal with, who was going off the deep end.

But any thoughts of running off and leaving Sebastian to his own devices were quickly shot down when Kurt stepped into the apartment to find the unthinkable. Sebastian was sitting at the kitchen table, quietly reading a newspaper and Kurt thought he had walked right into another dimension. Sebastian never read the paper; he said he kept meaning to cancel the pointless subscription.

But that wasn't even the most shocking sight of all, what made Kurt's alarms go off in his head was the state Sebastian was in. He looked so sloppy, his hair was a mess and so greasy from needing a good wash it sent shivers down Kurt's spine. Worse yet was how Sebastian was dressed in a pair of sweatpants, that weren't even a designer brand and a plain white t-shirt that was long over due for being thrown into the wash.

“Oh my god, you're a train-wreck, Sebastian. How much did you even drink?” Kurt shook his head. But when he opened up the drinks cabinet he found every bottle still full and in their place, not a single can or bottle in the fridge was missing either.

“I'm not hung over,” Sebastian muttered.

“That's even worse, the fuck Sebastian? Seriously, what is wrong with you? What's happened? No escape this time. I know I have no right to say this but... you're scaring me,” Kurt admitted.

“Nothing you need to worry about,” Sebastian’s voice warning Kurt to stop.

Above all Kurt was stubborn and when it came to his friends’ well being there was no stopping him. “Let me be the judge of that,” Kurt stated coolly as he sat down at the table in front of his dishevelled roommate. Kurt had intended to start the forced interrogation but his phone suddenly rang and when he saw who it was he took the call. “Hi, yes this is Kurt Hummel... I was waiting for your call. Is it this about... oh, the results are ready?” Kurt muttered, tensing up as he went silent only to fully relax a minuet later. “That's great, thank you... I knew it was likely but I'm glad all the same. Yes I'll be sure to have regular tests like you suggested, I know how important those are. Thank you Doctor, bye,” Kurt said politely and ended the call.

Kurt had been too focused on the call to notice the shift in Sebastian's body language, or how ridged he had now become because of it. “What was that about?” Sebastian asked casually, trying to cover his tracks.

Kurt figured it would do little good to dodge questions when he was trying to pry the truth out of his friend. “That was the hospital with my results for my tests, I'm STD free,” Kurt explained.

Sebastian ended up being the one to tense up to the news, but he tried to hide it with indifference. It wasn't really working but Kurt found no urge to make that known yet. “You got tested?”

Kurt nodded as he eyed Sebastian, the seriousness in his tone making him more worried. “Yes, I haven't slept with anyone new, aside from that one time with Alex... but I figured it's a smart idea to get tested regularly, just to be safe,” Kurt explained.

“When did you go for the test?”

Kurt furrowed his brow curiously, he wasn't sure why Sebastian was so interested, but he decided to humour him. “A week ago,” Kurt answered casually with a shrug.

Sebastian shot out of his chair without a word and stormed off into his bedroom. Now Kurt was really scared. “Sebastian... you're starting to freak me out.”

“Oh no, I feel so fucking bad for you!” Sebastian yelled at him from his bedroom.

Kurt raced into Sebastian's room to find him collapsed on his bed like he had no strength left in his body. He looked horrible. “Sebastian, are you sick?”

“I have a fever, fatigue, I've got a fucking cough and I'm so tired, all the time... put them all together and what do you got?” Sebastian said with very fake educed laughter.

Kurt gasped lightly. “HIV...” he breathed in shock.

“Bingo,” Sebastian replied.

Kurt's mind was whirling around in panic, had to he force himself to remain calm for Sebastian's sake. “Are you sure? Did you get tested? You could just have similar symptoms...” Kurt suggested.

“I found out a guy I fucked three weeks ago is positive,” Sebastian interrupted him.

“Did you use protection?” Kurt asked quickly.

“Of course I did,” Sebastian snapped back.

“Then that doesn't necessarily mean-” Kurt began to point out.

Sebastian stopped laughing; instead he stood up, grabbed onto Kurt's shoulder tightly and stared straight into his blue eyes. What Kurt saw was terrifying, the fear sent triggers in his mind. Nothing Kurt had ever gone through could even compare. Kurt knew he should feel relief that he was clean, but that thought wasn't even in his mind. His concern was all for Sebastian at the moment.

“Then why haven't they called me back with the results?” Sebastian shouted, causing Kurt's ears to ring from the outburst.

Kurt had no answers to give, no false hopes to say, no information he could tell Sebastian, there was nothing he could offer, not even his body. But Kurt didn't realize that not all acts of physical touch needed to be sexual. Kurt didn’t understand that above all Sebastian craved physical contact that in that moment he needed it with all of his being. Kurt looked at Sebastian in sympathy as he watched his friend who was always so together come apart at the seams. Watching Sebastian triggered Kurt's emotional walls to drop, leaving him just as raw and exposed.

Kurt lunged forward and gathered up Sebastian, bringing his arms to encircle Sebastian's broad shoulders. Allowing Sebastian, for the first time in his life, to let go of the hold on his emotions and break down. He allowed himself to hysterically cry out all of his pain into Kurt’s chest. Kurt closed his eyes and rested his chin on the top of Sebastian's head, stroking his back softly. He tried to offer some tactile means of comfort, because there was nothing he could say, words would only fall flat. Neither of the young men knew how to deal with such an abrupt situation but they were both too numb.

Whatever happened, Kurt wasn't about to desert his friend and for once Kurt allowed himself to cling to hope that Sebastian for once could be wrong.