Devin Montague was the Waxwing prefect and took his duties very seriously (which essentially involved him tattling on his fellow students for every single little breech of the school boarding rules).  Which was why when Devin noticed what was most definitely a girl walking into the showers at 6am on Sunday morning wrapped in a towel, he ran for the Quartermaster.  Luckily he couldn’t keep the knowledge of what he’d seen to himself, and told the dapper and proper rule-abiding Blaine Anderson of what he’d witnessed.

“A girl has just walked out of Thad’s room and gone in the shower! A girl! I’m going to go get Sarge! It’s against the rules!  A girl!”

“Most people say good morning.” Blaine muttered, drinking his coffee.  Devin didn’t even bother to question why the other boy was wearing a grey beanie hat with his pyjamas and robe; or awake at six-thirty in the morning on a Sunday.

“I knew it! I knew his girlfriend had been sleeping over! And now I’ve caught them!” Devin said, his eyes alight with pleasure at finally having something epic to report.

“You’re probably seeing things; nobody would risk their education by flaunting the rules so obviously.  Some of the guys here are… how do I say this without being offensive… a bit on the pretty side of things, you could be mistaken.” Blaine countered.

“At least I know you won’t let your girlfriend sleep over, you stick to the rules.” Devin replied.

“I’m gay.  Having a girlfriend in my room is insanely unlikely.” Blaine said, draining his mug.

“Even better! I won’t have to report you for having a girl sleep over.  Hey! I’m going to get right onto the reporting of this!” Devin ran out of the dorm building’s door, still in his pyjamas and bathrobe.

Blaine pulled his cell phone from the pocket of his own robe, “Thaddeus, not only did you keep me awake for half the night with the moans and your headboard banging against the wall; but Devin Montague has just spotted your girlfriend going for a shower!  He’s going to tell Sarge!  You’re screwed if we don’t get her out of here in five minutes!”  Blaine hung up before Thad could speak, and ran back up the stairs to his dorm.

“Have elephants suddenly taken up tap dancing on the stairs?” Kurt groused from his room door. Another disadvantage to his room positioning was listening to every single pair of feet walk up or down the stairs.

“No, Thad’s girlfriend stayed over and Devin is on his way to wake up the Quartermaster to potentially get him expelled.” Blaine said quickly, leaning over the hand rail to talk to Kurt.

“I don’t like ass-kissers like Devin.  Notwithstanding that he ratted me out for wearing my broaches, and there’s nothing in the uniform regulations that says I can’t wear them!” Kurt snapped, turning back into his room and returning a moment later with his shower caddy and towel.

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to make sure that one of our Warblers doesn’t get either expelled; or have to sit through months of Saturday detention; or get banned from all extra-curricular activities…” Blaine said, turning to go back up the stairs.

“Why do you think I’m grabbing my shower caddy and following you?  And why are you wearing a beanie hat?” Kurt said, easily catching up to Blaine.

“Nobody sees my hair without product, and I don’t think now is the best time to shower…” Blaine replied, confused as they reached the top of the stairs.

“Look, Devin saw a girl going into the showers, unfortunately – or fortunately in this instance – I have been compared to the female of the species frequently.  We can pass it off that he saw me going into the shower, and in the meantime we hide Thad’s girlfriend. Easy.”

“Easy? Where are we going to hide her? Devin will probably convince Sarge to do a room check, and girls don’t tend to blend in with the fixtures and fittings!” Blaine hissed.

“Well it’s an all-boys school; of course a girl sticks out.  Therefore we hide her in the one place they won’t bother to look… come on, I only have a few minutes to make this look and sound believable.” Kurt said, dashing into the shower room.

“Hi Sweetie, no time for rinse and repeat – though I’d personally be using a better quality shampoo.”

“Oh my God! Get out! Get out!” she screamed.

“Sweetie, I’m gay.  Breasts don’t do it for me; and the last time I went near a vagina I was being born.  I couldn’t care less that you’re naked.  However, I do care about a friend getting into serious trouble because the afore-mentioned naked girlfriend stayed over and got caught by an ass-kissing toad.”  Kurt hissed, “Now, you need to get your towel and follow Blaine to your hiding spot in room WF9, I’ll take it from here.”

“… room WF9, but that’s… Waxwing First Floor Room Nine… brilliant!” Blaine said, finally understanding Kurt’s plan.

“I’m Charlotte, sorry for screaming at you.” She whispered as she left the bathroom.

“I’m Kurt; it’s a pleasure to meet you.  I’ll give Thad a list of appropriate shampoo brands to pass on to you.”

“Move, we don’t have much time. Talk about hair care later.” Blaine whispered, quickly dragging a dripping-wet, towel-clad Charlotte to room nine.

“Sarge, listen sir! It’s a girl!” Devin said as he and the Quartermaster, clad in well-worn fatigues, halted below the open shower room window.   Powder-fresh steam billowed out of the partially-open window accompanied with the pitch-perfect high notes of scales being sung.

“…Me me me me me me me me meeee… la la la la la la la la laaaa...”

“Move. Now.” Yates growled, barrelling past the gleeful Devin and into the building.  Climbing up the stairs, he was met by the sight of all the Warblers in Waxwing listening at the shower room door, all of them whispering excitedly and alternating between grins and stunned expressions.

“Gentlemen, move!” he spat, shoving open the door with a bang.

“…La la la la la la la la laaaaa- Hey! Give a guy some privacy!  I’m trying to shower here!” Kurt shouted his complaint (purposely in his lower register), quickly moving his shower-scrubby over his genitals as Yates and Devin stood in stunned silence.  The door was closed just as rapidly as it had opened.

“You never mentioned you were a Counter Tenor, Kurt.” Blaine said softly, his eyes wide.

“The Warblers haven’t had a remotely decent Counter Tenor in a decade! This is amazing!  Kurt you need to audition for the Warblers!” Wes cried through the closed shower room door, already plotting where Kurt would fit into the Warblers’ harmonies.

“If we hadn’t all just got an eye-full of your junk, Hummel, I’d have asked if you’d been castrated!  My sister can’t sing that high!” someone else shouted.

“Your sister needs to lay off the cigarettes; she might stand a chance if she did that!” Kurt yelled back in his normal voice, “Now get lost so I can enjoy my shower!”

“Devin, is this some kind of sick joke? We do not discriminate here at Dalton Academy.  A high-pitched voice does not give you the right to refer to Mister Hummel as a female.” Yates said, turning on the Prefect.

“I know it was a girl sir, I saw a girl – I know it!  She was only wearing a towel!” Devin said, nodding his head enthusiastically.

“Montague, the last semi-naked girl you saw probably existed as a bunch of zeros and ones inside an Apple Motherboard!” Someone muttered, earning a chuckle from the other boys present.  The chuckling stopped at a dark look from Yates.

“Everyone! Room check!” Sarge shouted, preparing to systematically search every room.

After forty minutes of checking wardrobes, under beds, behind curtains, in janitor closets and in every other conceivable place a person might possibly hide, the Quartermaster was satisfied that there wasn’t a girl in the Dormitory building.  He had practically dragged Devin off to his office after apologising to the boys for the temporary invasion of their privacy, and after politely commenting on Kurt’s singing.

“You sounded amazing!  I’m sorry to put people out like this.  I didn’t realise it would cause such a problem!” Charlotte enthused, coming up behind Kurt and hugging him tight, once again dry and dressed.

“Don’t worry, but don’t make a habit of it.” Kurt beamed, “Let me get my leave-in conditioner and a comb, follow me… do you mind if I take my scissors to your split ends?” Kurt took her hand before leading her to his room, chattering about various products as he walked down the stairs.

Thad and the other boys looked baffled.  “Where was she?” Thad asked, scratching his head.  “I thought we were screwed when Sarge called for a room check! I had to come up with an idea for the condoms in the trash – I said it was so that I didn’t have to wash my sheets as often.”

“Why haven’t I thought of that? I hate doing laundry so much.” Someone muttered.

 “It’s a damn good job that you broke the washing machine last year, it makes that excuse sound believable.” Blaine answered, grinning, “She was hidden in room WF9, Kurt’s idea.”

“Room WF9? Wow. Kurt is officially a Genius.” David said.

“I like him, we need to keep him.  Firstly: He can sing.  Secondly: he took one for the team. Thirdly: he made Devin Montague a laughing stock… and it’s only his first Sunday morning boarding here!” Wes said.

“How many of us would have thought of hiding a girl in Devin’s room during a room check?” Thad commented, the cogs already turning as he considered the possibilities.

“Don’t even think about doing this again – no way am I putting up with another whole night of ‘oooh harder Thad, oh, oh, oh’.” Blaine mimicked, pulling a sickened face.

“All those in favour of someone getting dressed and going to get decent coffee-to-go for Kurt as a thank you, and potential bribe to join the Warblers?” Wes asked, seeing a show of hands.

“Yeah, but I want one too! It’s too damned early in the morning for this crap!” Someone shouted.

“Thad, you’re buying.  I’ll have a medium drip; Kurt wants a grande non-fat mocha.” Blaine said, patting his friend on the shoulder before going back to bed to actually get some sleep, the beanie hat still in place.

“You know his coffee order, Blaine?” Thad asked.

“He knows Kurt’s coffee order.” David answered, “And I want a vanilla latte and a blueberry muffin.”