Kurt shouldered open the door to his loft and hardly made it two feet inside before he was nearly tackled by Rachel.

            “What the hell happened to Blaine?” She asked, eyes wide, before holding her laptop up for him to see. “JBI wrote about him just leaving McKinley.”

            Kurt dropped his bags on the floors and started to read through the headlines posted.

            BLAINE ANDERSON INVOLVED IN MOB. LEAVES SCHOOL TO AVOID A HIT.

            BLAINE ANDERSON CHEATED ON LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND ENDED UP PREGNANT. LEFT SCHOOL TO AVOID SHAME.

            “Well?” She looked up at him.

            “Well…I can assure you that he is not pregnant…”

            “Yeah I didn’t have high hopes for that one,” Rachel sighed and took her laptop back. “What happened? I was talking to some of the glee club and they were telling me all sorts of things. They were saying that he quit glee, that he has started skipping classes, that he’s been mean, that he’s been wearing all black, that he’s been sleeping around. Did you see him when you went home?”

            At his hesitation she gasped loudly.

            “Okay, he needs help and he’s getting that help.”

            “He needs help? He cheated on you Kurt,” Rachel pushed him slightly. “Just because he’s become some kind of alcoholic whore doesn’t mean you have to swoop in and hold his hair back as he pukes…”

            “You don’t know anything about him! He’s out of school because he’s in rehab after nearly dying from a heroin overdose,” Kurt’s voice was sharp and high pitched.

            “..wh…what?”

            “It’s because no one paid attention to him. Remember when we were at school and you used him as just something to make you sound better? When you thought he was straight you were just excited to have someone ‘keep up with you vocally’. I used him as something to make me feel better. To have someone compliment me and make me feel good about myself. Did you ever sit down and ask him how he was? Ever sit and talk to him about himself?”

            “…no I didn’t,” Rachel whispered.

            “Neither did I,” Kurt wiped furiously at the tears in his eyes. “Did you know I picked out his clothes when we went shopping? It wasn’t because I wanted him to feel good about himself but because I was excited to have an attractive, well dressed boyfriend.”

            “Well he never complained,” She continued to stare at her shoes.

            “Why would he? He was getting attention and getting people to like him. That’s all he ever wanted you know? The last time he tried to be himself completely he had the shit beaten out of him at a school dance. I never noticed. I never noticed anything,” He couldn’t help the sob that escaped him. “While I was pissed because I thought he was sleeping around I never considered why he would. I never wanted to know. I thought I loved him. That’s not how you treat someone you love.”

            “Oh Kurt,” Rachel’s eyes were wide and tear filled. “He’s getting help though right?”

            “He’s in a rehab center,” Kurt nodded sharply. “For three months.”

            “He’ll be okay right?” She whispered, rubbing her arm.

            “I don’t know. I mean he pretty much prostituted himself for drugs. How do you recover from that?” He took a deep breath watched as Rachel hurried to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of wine that Brody had given her.

            “I won’t tell anyone if you’re worried about that,” She poured them both a huge glass. “Take a seat and drink this. You’ve been on a long flight.”

            “Yeah because me being on a flight for a few hours is nothing compared to seeing Blaine go through withdrawal,” He took a long gulp. “He was in so much pain Rachel you should see him. He’s lost so much weight, his eyes have really dark circles under them, his arms and neck are covered in track marks, and he is just…blank.”

            “No one saw?”

            “Sam told me he had changed but other than that everyone avoided him or verbally abused him. He felt so alone that he had to seek out the attention of those…those monsters. He felt like he deserved to be hurt and abused that way. Fuck…I might be sick.”

            Rachel made a soothing noise and rubbed his back gently.

            “Brody’s roommate freshman year was an alcoholic,” She said gently into his hair. “He went to groups with him to learn how to best help him. We can try to find a group for friends and families of drug users if you want? I can go with you.”

            “What if he wants nothing to do with me when he gets out?” Kurt wrung his hands together.

            “You love him don’t you?” Rachel sat on his bed with him, pouring some wine from her glass into his.

            “I thought I did. I don’t…I don’t know. Looking back on it our relationship wasn’t healthy,” Kurt sighed sadly. “I still want to be a part of his life though. If he lets me.”

            “So go to learn how to be a better friend,” Rachel pulled her laptop over. “We can just look, we don’t have to go if you really don’t want to.”

            “I want to help him,” Kurt nodded towards her laptop. “Let’s look some up.”

~*~

            “So, we’re going to talk about regrets,” Tabitha wrote the word out on the whiteboard. “Who wants to go first?”

            The room was absolutely silent.

            “Um…I can go?” Blaine raised his hand slightly, giving the group a nervous smile. “We used to do this in my high school. The director of the glee club would put a word up like ‘Inspiration’ or ‘Miracle’ and we would have to sing a song about that theme.”

            “That seems like an interesting exercise,” She raised her eyebrows and made a little note in her binder.

            “I always felt better afterwards. I connect best through music and sometimes it’s nice to find something that conveys your feelings better than you know how to say yourself,” He knew that he hadn’t said much in these sessions and the group was staring curiously.

            “I would personally love to hear you sing on this topic,” Tabitha grinned. “But only if you want to.”

            “Oh…sorry I think I was just thinking out loud,” Blaine blushed.

            “Come on Blaine,” Clyde nudged him slightly, getting a small smile in return. “Don’t think we haven’t noticed how you light up when you perform.”

            “Okay, so regret,” Blaine straightened up in his chair and glanced around the room. The group was smiling reassuringly at him. For the first time he didn’t feel like he had to prove himself or compete against the people in the room.

            ”Fools in love

            Are there any other kinds of lovers?

            Love your baby, love your baby, love your baby, love.

            He took in a deep shuddering breath and paused before continuing, his voice rougher than before.

            Fools in love

            Are there any creatures more pathetic?

            Love your baby, love your baby, love your baby, love.

            Blaine’s chest ached fiercely and he wiped at his eyes.

            Fools in love, they think they’re heroes

            ‘Cause they get to feel no pain

            I should know because this fool’s in love again.

            He sat back against his chair and the room was silent. There was no false applause, no mumbles, no rolling eyes. It was just full of people supporting each other.

            “So…you regret falling in love?” Carrie asked gently.

            “No, Kurt was amazing,” He smiled slightly before realizing what he said. “Oh yeah…just in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m gay.”

            The group chuckled and nodded, urging him on.

            “I don’t regret falling in love. I regret basing my entire existence on our relationship,” He shrugged. “Does that make sense?”

            “Let me try to understand,” Tabitha put her fingertips together and leaned forward. “Your regret is that you were so dependent on the relationship.”

            “Yeah, so much so that when I started unraveling I fell apart,” Blaine rubbed his arm. “It’s kind of pathetic really. How does someone become so dependent on something like that?”

            “Yeah, how does someone become dependent?” Clyde winked. “Sounds like you replaced an addiction with another one.”

            “Maybe I just need to always fixate on something,” Blaine smiled and fiddled with his hands.

            “Sometimes it takes losing everything before you realize what’s important,” Clyde spoke up. “I started fighting with my girlfriend when she was pregnant and started the drugs to get away from that pressure. When I realized how much it hurt the people I had to redefine who I was. I wasn’t the loser artist, I wasn’t the junkie, I wasn’t the deadbeat boyfriend. I am a father. That is who I want to define myself by and that’s the person I need to be.”

            Blaine nodded and leaned his chin on his hand. The group continued with talk in the circle and he thought about Clyde’s point.

            What was he defined as?

            Was he the golden boy lead of the Warblers?

            Was he the brave kid who mentored other students?

            Was he the perfect boyfriend?

            Was he the boy who cheated on his boyfriend?

            Was he the guy who whored himself for drugs?

            Blaine swallowed heavily, blinking furiously. He was the king of reinventing himself and for the first time he could choose who he was, not base himself on what others wanted.

            The trouble was deciding who he wanted to be and if he was brave enough to try.