Now I am thirteen, I remember those days better, clearer than my childhood. One usually cannot remember their childhood very well, days and years melt together into a collage of one’s past, it seems.
I had never been yelled at or hit as a child; I had never given any adult reason to do so. Seb was different; he loved to make trouble with others. He would hurt them, punch little girls and run away, or steal an extra cookie from someone (usually me). Still I hadn’t ever heard an adult raise their voice before, it was bound to happen.
Seb liked to test boundaries, break rules, and make mistakes. We were taught from our first day of lessons till well after we graduated from Dalton; You need to keep your insides healthy. This meant we were not to partake in any activities that may render our ‘insides’ even slightly less than perfect. We could not eat more than the needed amount of sugar every day; we could never drink any fluids that would harm our livers such as alcohol or high-octane fruit juices. Most of all, we were told we mustn’t ever smoke cigarettes. The teachers at Dalton often had ‘smoke breaks’ between classes where they would go and smoke (always very far from us). We saw in the television programs they showed us that many teenagers who were ‘cool’ often smoked, but we were told that we could never indulge in that part of a normal life. We weren’t normal.
Sebastian was never very cautious of what the teachers warned us of. He brushed it off as silly rules that would make no meaning when we lived in the real world. This excuse must have made some sense to him, since he started smoking in the back lot behind the school every lunch break. He never did tell me how he got the cigarettes that were so very forbidden to us at Dalton, although he probably paid off one of the food delivery men. They didn’t care much about rules.
I tried to tell Seb to stop, I would beg him in hushed whispers as we fell asleep in our dorm each night but he never listened.
Like all little boys who create mischief, he was eventually found out. Not by me of course but a Dalton teacher who happened upon his little hiding spot at lunch break.
That was the first time I had ever heard yelling outside of a television program. I sneaked through the office and could see through the creaked door the headmaster yelling at Seb, although I can’t remember the words. I watched in horror as the headmaster took out a leather implement and slapped Sebastian’s palms with it. I could hear his cries of pain and I couldn’t do anything. I felt so helpless in that moment. I ran out of my hiding place, crying as I could still hear his pained cries up until I slammed the door to our dorm and ran to my bed.
I had calmed down a bit as Seb walked in later, eyes red rimmed with tears he refused to show me. I hugged him, and he hugged back, It felt as though he was comforting me, despite his situation.
“There, there Kurtsie it’s okay. I’ll be ok” he soothed.
“I just don’t get it, they spend so much time berating us on keeping ourselves healthy and then they do that to you!” I was crying again into Seb’s shoulder, his bandaged and bloody hands came to stroke the back of my neck to comfort me. for once I didn’t push him away.
“They’re still keeping our insides clean though don’t you see? They hit our palms because no one needs palms Kurt, they need our insides and they can fuck up our outsides and our souls all they want, as long as our organs are still nice and pretty so we can die for some stranger” he spat bitterly.
The anger and sadness in Sebastian’s voice was terrifying and confusing. We all knew that one day we would complete, I didn’t understand the words he used though. He made it seem like what we were doing; what Dalton was doing for us was wrong. Like we weren’t meant to complete. What a silly notions Sebastian said as a child.
-
Later that day, I was dancing around a fountain at break, humming quietly to myself and thinking about Valentines Day as it was approaching very quickly. I was thinking of maybe giving Blaine a valentine with glitter and hearts, we had grown up a bit now, romance was in the air, everyone had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Relationships were encouraged at Dalton, the talk of love and affection made me crave for it too.
Not just with anyone though. I wanted Blaine with his curly hair and jumbled words. He often left me speechless; something that seldom happens to me. I think I may have loved him then, I can’t be sure, I can’t be sure what love is now even. I don’t think a thirteen year old version of myself knew it any better.
Despite this, my craving for love and affection beyond the platonic actions of Sebastian drove me to day dream about Blaine and I, our future, everything.
Maybe one day we would even have sex, make love under the stars on our wedding night. Or prom, I’m not sure what the social custom was anymore, the programs gave us very mixed messages sometimes.
I decided I wanted to wait until we got married.
And then I saw it.
My heart felt as if it had dropped into my stomach
My eyes were already brimming with tears
And hate was flowing through my veins.
Sebastian and Blaine.
On the swings,
Kissing passionately, tongues in mouths, skilled and practiced technique being used on both parts. How long had this been going on? Had they been hiding it from me? if so then why would Sebastian decide to do it somewhere so close where I always spent my breaks? I felt as if my world was ending.
And I swear to this day I saw Sebastian looking into my eyes and smiling as he did it.