Fucking Sebastian.

He came out of nowhere.  I went to visit these guys I thought were my friends and he and Nick were singing “Uptown Girl” and he grabbed me and pulled me into the group and it felt good. It felt good to be back with the guys and this new guy who was singing lead. Then we got coffee together and he was flattering, if not a little overbearing. But he told me I was like sex on a stick and he looked at me like he’d never wanted anything more and I ate it up. It was nice to get attention from another guy.

It was so stupid and I should have just left, but how could I? This guy was more or less throwing himself at me and I let my mind go there. I thought about what it would be like if I were with him instead of Kurt. I invented scenarios in my head. I knew the guy wanted in and out-- wanted to use me-- but the idea appealed to me.

It made much more sense than somebody like Kurt loving me.

I didn’t deserve Kurt, I don’t deserve Kurt. I deserve to be used for nothing, not to be loved, especially since it’s all built on a lie.

So I let myself fantasize about what things with Sebastian would be like. Of course I went out for coffee with him again. I was curious. But then I was sitting across from him and all I could think about was how much I wanted Kurt there, but it was too late. Suddenly we were going to a gay bar and I know what alcohol does to me but I was nervous so I drank. Then I danced with Sebastian, then I tried to get with Kurt in the back of the car like the selfish asshole I am and we fought and it was all Sebastian fucking Smythe’s fault. He invited us, he got me the drink. He knew what it would do and all because he wanted me to himself.

He had my number and he kept calling me and I tried to tell the guy no but he wouldn’t let up. I thought maybe we could just be friends, I could keep telling him no and helping him with show choir stuff and that would be that. Then he stole our MJ idea and told my friends it was my fault and turned everybody against me. Again.

Then he tried to slushie Kurt and he only ended up hurting me—physically hurting me. The rest of the fucking Warblers didn’t even care. What had he said to them to make them turn on me? How did he get them to go along with it, and then leave me SCREAMING on the pavement as they ran away?

Sebastian must know. He must know all about me and who I really am. That bastard can see right through me. We’re both awful people; takes one to know one, right? So he told them and they were disgusted and that’s why they turned on me.

Jesus Christ, what if he tells Kurt? Hopefully he won’t if I keep talking to him.

Fucking Sebastian.

“What the fuck was he doing there? We can’t go there anymore,” I yelled as Kurt drove out of the Lima Bean parking lot.

“He’s just an asshole, Blaine, and he’s just there to piss us off. Calm down, okay?”

“No I will not calm down! That piece of shit nearly blinded me, and none of the Warblers even cared. He turned them all against me.”

“He didn’t turn them against you,” Kurt said, looking over at me sympathetically.

“He did, Kurt. He turned them against both of us. What happened to ‘once a Warbler, always a Warbler,’ huh? He said something to them or they wouldn’t have tried to hurt us. They left after he slushied me, Kurt. They just walked away!”

“Blaine, I think…”

“Don’t, Kurt! Don’t defend them. They were my friends, or they were supposed to be. But they turned on me. They turned on me and they left me just like everybody else.” My voice was rising, sounding hysterical even to me. “Everybody keeps hurting me in the end and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.” My voice cracked and I dissolved into tears in Kurt’s front seat. I wanted to calm down, tried to, but I couldn’t. The floodgates had been opened and there was no stopping it. My whole body shook with sobs and Kurt sped up, his eyes wide as he pulled onto his street and into the driveway.  He pulled me from the car and into the living room where I collapsed onto the couch. Kurt wrapped me in his arms and rubbed my back, whispering to me things I couldn’t hear over the sound of my own heartbreak.

“What did I do wrong, Kurt? What?”

“Shhh,” he said, kissing me over and over, anywhere he could reach—the top of my head, my temples, my cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong, baby. You didn’t.” I could hear the strain in Kurt’s voice that meant he was crying too. When I thought about it, I could feel the wetness on my forehead where his tears had landed. I cried even harder then, because I felt terrible for making Kurt cry. He was so kind and beautiful and I hated to upset him. On the other hand, though, I was glad he cared enough to cry.

“Then why?” I begged.

“Sebastian is just a jerk and he likes to play mind-games with people, okay? None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong here, baby. Those guys love you, I know they do. And I love you so much, Blaine. You’re so strong and so brave and nothing will ever change that. I promise.” I nodded.

“And New Directions loves you, and even Santana loves you, and she doesn’t love anybody but Brittany.”

“But for how long? I’m so sick of people leaving me.” I took a deep breath to calm my voice. “The kids at my first school beat the shit out of me after I came out and I had to leave. Now I’ve left Dalton and they betrayed me, too. They never cared that I was gay; they never cared about any of it. I was just their friend and they loved me. They were always there for me and now they’re not and it fucking hurts.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry they hurt you. You deserve so much better than that, okay? It’s their loss.” Sobs overcame me again. He had no idea. I didn’t deserve better, and they were better off without me-- that was the point. Everybody was always going to leave me because they eventually learned better. I wasn’t worth their time.

            I cried until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep in Kurt’s arms.

            I woke up a few hours later with Kurt’s arms still wrapped around me.

“Hey, honey,” he said when I turned towards him.

            “Hi.”

            “Are you feeling any better?” he asked. His eyes were filled with concern and it broke my heart to know I put it there. His eyes were grey, and they only looked like that when he was sad.

            “Yes, much.” No, much worse. “I should go home, though. My parents will be worried about me.” They probably haven’t even noticed I’m not there.

            Kurt drove me home, his hand holding mine the entire way. We didn’t say anything, but I was fine with that. Inside I was still devastated and now I was embarrassed about my dramatic display and worried about how Kurt would react. That was the most I’d ever let my emotions show in front of him and it was terrifying. We pulled into my driveway and he kissed me softly.

            “Call me if you need to, okay?”

            “Okay. I love you.”

            “I love you, too.”

            I walked inside and went straight to my bathroom. I pulled out my razor and rolled my sleeve back. I pushed the razor in until I saw blood and drug it across my skin. Blood dripped into the sink as I drew four identical lines in my wrist: one for losing the Warblers, one for ever befriending Sebastian, one for breaking down in front of Kurt, and one for the pain that wouldn’t go away.