Dear Diary,

I’m going on a date with Kurt tonight. He’s taking me to Breadstix. Really it’s the only place we ever go—the only place anybody ever goes—but it’s delicious. It doesn’t even matter, really, as long as I get to spend the night with him. He and Rachel have been so busy planning their NYADA auditions that I haven’t gotten to see much of him lately. I’m really proud of him, of course. New York is his dream and he’s almost there. I just wish it didn’t mean he had to put me on the back burner. Is that selfish? I mean, I want him to succeed, but if he’s already blowing me off and he’s still in Lima, what’s going to happen next year?

            Of course it’s selfish. This is Kurt’s dream, his big escape. To think about myself right now is just pathetic. I should be completely supportive, not worried about how this affects me.

            No wonder people don’t like me. I’m just a selfish dick.

“Ready to go, honey?” Kurt asked the moment I got the door open.

“Yeah, just let me grab my coat.” Winters in Lima, Ohio are the worst. It’s just one of many reasons to hate this place. Trekking through two feet of snow is just completely unnecessary. Lewis and Clark should have just put a big “Do Not Enter” mark on those maps of theirs because this shit blows. Fortunately, Kurt left the car running so it was warm when we entered.  The ride to Breadstix was toasty and quiet and I nearly fell asleep, but Kurt would have killed me so I stayed awake.

The hostess seated us and Kurt thanked her before looking at me with one of those grins that makes me weak in the knees. I completely forgot to worry about our relationship then.

“So,” he said, excitement evident on his face, “Rachel and I have been working on our NYADA auditions all day.  Rachel is singing ‘My Man’ because she did so well with it last year at Nationals auditions. She seriously makes me cry every time she sings it. There’s no way she won’t get in. As for me, I’m still torn between ‘Defying Gravity’ and ‘As If We Never Said Goodbye.’ I’ve been practicing them both. ‘Defying Gravity’ is definitely more unexpected and shows off my range quite well, but Rachel says ‘As If We Never Said Goodbye’ is more emotional and would show the judges a little more depth. Everybody cried when I sang that in glee. What do you think?”

I was a little taken aback. I was glad Kurt wanted my opinion, but damn that was a big decision. I didn’t know as much about musical theatre as he and Rachel did. What if I chose the wrong one?

“Well I haven’t heard you sing either,” I said. “Can we go back to your place after and you can sing them for me?” It had been an awfully long time since we’d been together, just the two of us, and I wanted to drag it out as long as possible. Besides, I hadn’t seen Burt for a long time. He was the father I could never have, and I always felt a little better when he was around.  I gave Kurt my puppy dog eyes and a big smile, the one I knew he couldn’t resist.

“Blaine Anderson, you know I cannot say no to that face! Stop it!” Kurt said, but his laughter betrayed him. I laughed too, knowing I was going to get my way. “Fine, fine, yes, you can come over, but no funny business. My dad will be home and I have to work on this solo.”

“I’ll try to resist you, but you know how hard it is for me to do.”

Dinner passed peacefully; no glares from other patrons, and no arguments between Kurt and I. Not that we argued much (if ever), but I had been so worried lately I had been sure I was going to slip up and snap at him. Thankfully I was able to keep a smile on my face.

We went back to Kurt’s and he sang me his song choices in his bedroom and I just remember thinking ‘damn, I am dating one talented boy.’ I don’t know what he saw in me. He deserved so much better than me and he never had any idea. He loved me, and it felt good. I wasn’t going to break it to him that he was well out of my league. I told him that I agreed with Rachel, that I thought he should sing ‘As If We Never Said Goodbye.’ He smiled and thanked me, told me that my opinion mattered most to him. I couldn’t help but kiss him then. I was just so damn happy to be with him. Even if the person he loved was a lie, sometimes it just felt so good to be loved that I didn’t mind that he didn’t actually love me.

We made out for a few minute before we heard Burt call up from the bottom of the stairs.

“It’s getting awfully quiet up there,” he yelled.

“And?” Kurt yelled back.

“Why don’t you boys come downstairs? Kurt, you could make those cookies you actually let me eat.” Kurt pulled off with an annoyed groan, but I smiled. Kurt had no idea how lucky he was. At least his father cared enough to watch out for him. His father loved him more than anything in this world. He would do anything for Kurt, would fight the whole world for him. Hell, the man had even entered congress because of Kurt. I was so happy for him, but I was so fucking jealous, too. My father didn’t give a shit about me, hadn’t ever since I came out. Sure it was a little annoying when Burt interrupted our more intimate moments (he kept an unnaturally close ear on us), but Kurt wasn’t even allowed in my house. He had only met my parents because of my injured eye, and I never wanted him to have to see them again. They were cordial enough (they would never be openly rude to somebody—it wouldn’t look good), but they made sure I knew exactly how they felt about him after he left. Even if they hadn’t said he wasn’t allowed back I wouldn’t have brought him. He deserves better than to be looked down upon by those assholes.

“Cookies?” I asked Kurt, another smile on my face. I really do love cookies, and if his dad was offering, who were we to say no?

“Oh my god, Blaine. You are too cute for your own good, do you know that? I’ll make you some damn cookies,” he said as he rolled off the bed and walked towards the door.

I loved watching Kurt bake. He was so natural at it; gliding around the kitchen and pouring various ingredients into a mixing bowl. I was a mess in the kitchen—still am, actually—but Kurt was so comfortable in there. He chatted and sang and danced around the kitchen, the stress of his upcoming NYADA audition forgotten. He was so beautiful. I could see us together 10, 20 years from then doing the same thing—him dancing around the kitchen and me watching from the table—if he’d still have me in all those years, of course. I wanted us to be together forever, and I wondered if Kurt felt the same.

He wouldn’t if he knew the truth.

I pulled my sleeves down self-consciously, making sure the cuts on my wrists were covered. Kurt would freak if he saw them, any of them. The old faded ones, or the brand new ones I’d put there earlier that day when I started thinking about how alone I’d be next year.

Kurt put the cookies in the oven and set the timer just as Burt walked into the kitchen.

“The cookies will be ready in 10 minutes, Dad, but you’re only allowed to have one tonight.”

“Yes, sir,” Burt teased before turning to me. “How are you, Blaine? I haven’t seen you around for awhile.”

“I’m good. We’ve all been pretty busy with school and everything. I had a lot of catching up to do after my eye surgery.” Also, your son is abandoning me for New York and he’s already starting to forget me so I’ve been home cutting myself.

“Yeah, catching up is tough, but you’re a smart kid. You’ll get there, don’t worry.” I smiled at him, but couldn’t thank him because a lump was forming in my throat. This man should have hated me—I was dating his son and had the power to break his heart—but he treated me better than my own father did. He supported me like I was his own kid. Besides Kurt, he’s the one I worried the most about if anybody ever found out about the cutting and the, well, everything. I never wanted to disappoint Burt. I tugged at my sleeves again, making sure they stayed pulled over my hands as we waited for the cookies to finish. As soon as they were out I had a few with Kurt and quickly made my excuses to leave. I had missed going over there so much, but suddenly I felt like I was suffocating from the pressure, the fear of them finding out. Kurt drove me home, chattering endlessly about his audition once again. When we pulled into the driveway, I kissed him goodbye and ran inside. I buried myself in my covers and cried myself to sleep.