Chapter 1

5:15. It was 5:15 on a Monday. I was supposed to be up fifteen minutes ago. I was supposed to be dressed by now – dressed, hair brushed and gelled, and downstairs getting my morning coffee ready. But I couldn't do it. Not today.

That feeling was back. It hadn't come in nearly two months now. That feeling of complete failure. How I fail to actually get up and help my kids get ready for school. How I fail to make my kids happy – to make myself happy. How I failed at seeing past him for three months, and let him steal away all the happiness I could give for three more. At least he didn't touch Nellie, or Callin for that matter. But I couldn't keep him away from me. I wasn't strong…

Stop.

I had to stop. I had to, before those thoughts took over, and then I really wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

But it was already too late.

I was miserable. Again.

But I could call Cooper.

I reached over to my nightstand for my cell phone and hastily dialed my brother's number. He would be awake by now. He knew to be awake by now, in case something like this happened again.

After three rings I could hear my brother's tired "Hello? Blaine?"

"Cooper…" That was all I had to say before he knew. He could tell by my broken voice that he's heard so many times before. He just knew.

"Blaine? Is everything okay?" He didn't sound so tired anymore. "I was hoping we were done with these calls, man."

He didn't mean it rudely. It was his way of saying, "I was hoping your thoughts of him had stopped," and so had I, desperately.

"I… I…" I just needed him to come and take my kids to school, but I couldn't form the words. I was already beginning to feel the burn of tears from behind my eyes.

"What is it, Squirt?"

A sob escaped without my permission. Why am I so weak? I asked myself, every time. Why do I need my brother's help again?

"Can you just take them to school? At 7:30?" He knew who I meant. He was used to this by now. "I'm sorry…"

"Do not apologize, Blaine. You hear me?" Cooper was always willing to help when I needed. Still, I couldn't help but feel guilty every time I asked. I hated asking anyone for help.

"Thank you…so much, Coop," I said with tears already streaming down my swollen cheeks. "I just c-can't today. They won't stop…the dreams won't stop–"

"I know, buddy, I know." He always knew. "I'll be there in an hour, okay?"

I didn't answer, but it wasn't necessary. Cooper knew what I would say, so I always hung up without saying goodbye. Goodbye was too final for me.

oOo

"Where's Daddy?" I awoke to my six-year-old's voice an hour and a half later.

"He's so tired, Nellie, sweetie. He must've stayed up late last night." Cooper was here. Thank God.

"He fell asleep before me," I heard Callin say. "How could he be tired?"

I never knew from where Callin received his observant quality. It certainly wasn't his mother. Maybe me; I wasn't sure. I wasn't the most observant person.

"…Don't, Callin. Your dad just needs another day. Please don't be difficult." And that was the end of the talking until I heard the door slam shut and the sound of a car driving away.

oOo

I awoke again a few hours later, shaking and crying from my vivid and painful dream. I couldn't sleep anymore.

I sat up, dressed, and checked the time to see it was only noon. I was lucky I didn't have any classes to teach on Mondays. Otherwise my friend David, the principal of the middle school at which I worked, would have my head.

I went into the kitchen looking for my laptop to find it right there on the counter. I wanted to check if any new houses were for sale.

I'd had the idea of moving in my mind for a while. I knew Nellie would love the idea of house searching with me. Her young mind would treat it like a scavenger hunt. She would want to find the perfect house for us. I wasn't sure how Callin would take it. He was beginning the dramatic stages of his teenage years – unsurprising, with him just turning fourteen. He was determined to believe I was forever trying to ruin his life. It was quite the opposite, actually; there wasn't a thing I wouldn't do for him or his sister. I gave up everything for them, and I wouldn't change a thing. Not one.

No new houses. None I was interested in. I really needed to get in touch with a real estate agent soon, before I gave up on my plan altogether.

I wanted new. Not brand new, just different new. I craved to be away from this house contaminated with memories. Callin could deal; he was a very strong boy. Of course, he had to be with all the baggage his father had on his shoulders.

I lazily rubbed my burning eyes. I needed coffee. No, I corrected myself, what I really needed was at least one night of good sleep.

oOo

"Un-be-lievable," I growled at Callin. "Three suspensions in one semester. That's got to be some kind of record."

Callin sighed obnoxiously, as if being in the principal's office for the third time in just a few months was some kind of inconvenience for him, not me. "You're lucky I didn't have any classes today," I told him.

"It wasn't really my fault. I mean, they just left the box on the teacher's desk for anyone to take–"

"Except you're forgetting the fact that it was the teacher's desk, Cal. I mean…why? Just why? Are you trying to tell me something? Would you like to be a bank robber for a night job?"

Callin shook his head, the way he does when he thinks I'm being ridiculous. But I was completely serious. He stole. My children do not, would not, steal. He must have been trying to tell me something. He didn't have any other reason to drive me nuts.

"I needed lunch money. Cooper switched our lunch boxes," Callin said pointedly.

"How does Cooper switch a pink lunch box with a…? You know what? It doesn't even matter. If you couldn't eat your sister's lunch, you come home hungry instead of stealing–"

"Mr. Anderson, I presume?" I looked away from my son to see a very short man with a brown fedora and blue bowtie standing at the door.

Assuming it was the principal, I stood up and walked over to shake his hand. "Yes, that's me." I put my hand down after awkwardly keeping it in the air without a handshake. "Listen, I have no idea where Callin got the ridiculous idea stealing money from the school would be okay–"

"Not just money from the school, Mr. Anderson, but money from a school fundraiser that will be donated to a children's hospital treating leukemia. Your son is very lucky we confiscated the money before the school day ended or else I would not have thought twice before calling the police." I blinked surprisingly at the tiny man for a moment before turning to face Callin to give him the most intimidating glare I could offer. He at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"Well, I'm very thankful you didn't. And I can definitely assure you this won't ever happen again." I knew I sounded more menacing than kind.

"I'm sure it won't. I'm sorry to say this, Mr. Anderson, but I have no choice but to expel Callin. We are a three strike school and this was his fifth strike."

I was quiet for a long time. Honestly, however, I wasn't very surprised. Callin had been acting out a lot at school. And now, at least it would be a bit easier if we did decide to move. In fact, I had made my decision right then.

"Thank you for your time," I finally spoke after about a minute of silence. "C'mon, Callin."

We were quiet as we walked out of the school lot and I wanted to keep it that way. Hopefully Callin would get the message and stay quiet before I blew my top.

"You know, strike four was only because of my art project. So technically he was partly expelling me because of my art."

"He didn't expel you because of your bloody drawing of decapitation," I said through gritted teeth. "He expelled you because you stole." I turned to face him. "You STOLE, and it breaks my heart. I know I taught you better than that." I started walking again.

"Well, you haven't exactly been teaching me anything lately." I turned again to face him. He hadn't moved. "Since you like to spend every morning wallowing in self-hatred."

That did it.

I couldn't stand him at that moment. I couldn't stand to look or speak to him. I needed him to get away from me. I felt like he loved doing this – being the cruel teenager who reduced me to tears. I couldn't take it.

"I do not hate myself," I murmured miserably.

"I didn't mean–"

"It doesn't even matter! This isn't about me! You just got expelled, pal. You just made me more disappointed than I have ever been in you. How do you feel about that, huh?" He wouldn't look at me. "No more seeing your friends every day or riding with your sister on the bus like I need you to. I was counting on you, Cal! I hope you're happy. I hope stealing the money was worth it."

I was so angry I couldn't see straight. I tried walking back to get to the car, but before I could my mouth betrayed me.

"Oh, and by the way, we're moving." I would never forget the look of absolute hatred I received in that moment. Crap. I didn't want to tell him like this. I didn't want him to find out from anger and sheer stupidity. I wanted to talk to him calmly so he wouldn't freak out. I guess God, or whoever was up there, just wasn't on my side today.

"We're what?" He was still giving me that look. I could hardly breathe.

"You heard me," I proclaimed. "We're moving."

"We can't move, Dad!" He was shouting now. I couldn't take his shouting. I could already feel a headache starting. "All my friends are here! My life is here!"

"You just got expelled, dude. You stole. I thought I would talk to you about moving first. But now? No. You have no say in this. None." I was shaking. I didn't want to scream anymore.

"Oh my God, you're set on ruining my life, aren't you?"

That finished me. "Of course I am! In fact, it's my life goal to make EVERYONE around me completely miserable! Thank you for finally figuring it out! Good job! Gold star!" I was starting to get hysterical. I needed to stop before I had a panic attack. I was tired. And done. Any day but today I could have handled this without an argument. But it happened today. I couldn't change that.

I walked shakily to my car, not noticing whether my son was following me or not.

oOo

"I'm fine, Coop," I spoke through the phone. I was simultaneously clutching my cell between my ear and shoulder while trying to cook dinner for the kids that night. I was a mess, and I wasn't fine. But my brother didn't need to know that. He worried enough about me.

"You sure, Squirt? You seem really stressed out." I sighed.

"Coop, my son was expelled today. When I picked him up we ended up having a screaming match. Of course I was stressed but I'm fine now."

"Whatever you say, Blaine," and he knew I wasn't too. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." I dropped the phone from my shoulder, causing it to clatter to the floor. I didn't bother picking it up right away; I had to finish making dinner.

After a few minutes of panicked cooking and nearly burning the food twice, my daughter walked in to see me leaning against the counter, trying to calmly catch my breath.

"Is it 'one of those days' again, daddy?" she asked. Nellie always knew how to make me smile, no matter how small the smile was.

"Yeah, baby," I chuckled, turning to hoist her into my arms. "but you always know how to turn my frown upside down." She giggled loudly as I tickled her stomach.

"But you're still sad," she stated.

I gave her a curious look. "How can you tell?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I can just tell. I know things, daddy."

I smiled. Nellie never really understood what happened to me. She knew to an extent who I dated and why we broke up, but she never knew what truly happened. For that I was grateful, and I wanted to keep it that way.

When I finally finished cooking and we were all seated around our small kitchen table, I noticed Callin visibly and a little dramatically sulking in his seat. His mood definitely hadn't changed since we came home.

"Did you guys finish your homework?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"I didn't have any! Miss Chris said I didn't have to do the sheet since I got a 100 on my math test!" Nellie exclaimed excitedly. "Can I show it to you, daddy?"

"Sure, sweetie, right after dinner." I turned to my son. "What about you?"

Callin rolled his eyes. "What about me? I was expelled, remember?" His disrespectful tone was quickly getting on my nerves.

"How could I forget?" I asked, my jaw clenched.

"I –"

"Don't, Callin!" Nellie interrupted. "Daddy's having a hard day."

"Isn't that a usual day for him?" Callin was starting to shout, and I could already tell this was going to get out of hand quickly.

"You're being unreasonable –"

"It can't be unreasonable if it's true, dad. All you ever do is sulk! You wouldn't need to spend all day in bed if you had just dumped him in the first place!

"Callin Anderson –!"

He stood, nearly shaking with an anger I had never seen in all his fourteen years of life. As if this was something he had been holding in for a while now.

"Don't 'Calling Anderson' me! You know I'm right; you just refuse to face it! And now you're making me move away from my friends as if you're trying to punish me for something that happened to you –"

I stood abruptly and banged my hands on the table, making him jump from across the table.

"Stop trying to act like you know everything! You don't, okay? You're fourteen, not forty! You don't know the stress it causes me to not be able to get up some mornings. You have no idea what it's like for me to stay here! And you certainly don't have the slightest clue what happened!"

"But I do! Do you honestly think we all can't see how sad you are? How completely unhappy and depressed you look?"

I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it because he was making sense. He was destroying me without realizing it. I suddenly felt the need to crawl under my bed sheets and stay there for all of eternity.

I rubbed my eyes and leaned against the kitchen island. I didn't want to cry in front of him – to prove to him that I was as weak as he thought.

"You just…you're just so unhappy all the time, dad. Even when you're laughing or seem to be having a good time, anyone can tell you're not really enjoying yourself. I just –"

"Stop," I said, my voice sounding much stronger than I felt. I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand how his sudden act of maturity was so damn accurate I wanted to scream. He sounded so…disappointed in me. He was way more observant than I thought. "Go to your room. Both of you. I can't…I can't deal with this right now. Go."

They both left without another word or glance in my direction.

oOo

"Blaine…take a deep breath, okay?" Cooper's soothing voice requested through the phone. I did as instructed, trying to calm my panicked breathing down.

"I just…today has been so hard." I was nearly in tears for the third time that day. Cooper was the only person I was comfortable with crying in front of. "It's like every person on the planet has stopped what they're doing to make me miserable. God, I sound like a fucking ten year old…"

"Blaine, what happened? What did Callin do this time?"

I breathed in slowly. I didn't even have to say anything for Cooper to know it was Callin.

"He-he blames me for what happened with Sebastian. I mean, I knew he did, but it's different when he says it to my face, you know?" I was trying to hard not to sob. I could barely hold it back.

"But what did he say, Blaine?"

"…He said I wouldn't need to sulk all day if I had just dumped him in the first place and he…he pointed out how unhappy I was…I couldn't…I didn't know what to say."

"Blaine, it's not your fault you dated a complete psycho. Sebastian manipulated you to make it seem like he was an amazing person. He was arrested eventually, right?"

"Well yes, but –"

"And he never got near your kids, right?"

"I –"

"Blaine, I know what he did to you really affected your self-esteem incredibly, and that's not your fault. Callin just doesn't understand that."

I tried unsuccessfully to wipe away the tears pouring from my eyes. "I've just…I've never handled Callin's yelling very well, even when he was little. Nellie was easier; she didn't have as much of a temper."

I could hear a slight huff right outside my bedroom door. I looked to see the door slightly ajar and noticed large toes in plain sight. Callin was obviously listening in. I didn't want him to hear this.

"That's because Callin has most of his mom in him. Let's face it, she was a spitfire."

I laughed quietly. That was true. Callin may have my eyes and hair color, but he definitely had his mother's personality. She may have been sweet and caring most of the time, but she could simply kill a person with her eyes if she wanted to. Nellie was different. She was calm and courageous and one of the sweetest people I have ever known. She was a lot like me. Well, how I use to be. She even had my curls, but had her mom's beautiful, blonde hair. Nellie had my hazel eyes as well. That was what I was most proud of about my kids' appearance; they both had my eyes.

"See?" said Cooper, pulling me away from my thoughts. "You still know how to laugh, which means you'll be okay. You hear me?"

I sighed, "Yeah, I hear you, Coop."

"Do you believe me?"

"Maybe someday I will."

Cooper sighed as well. "Then I guess that's all I can say. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

I looked back at my door to see the foot still there. "I don't think so. I'm sorry, but I think I'm gonna take Nellie out house searching tomorrow. I need another break from work."

"Whatever you say, Blaine. See you later."

"See you later." I hung up, still watching the door. I noticed the foot moving to turn toward Callin's room, but before it could, I called, "Callin, come in here, please."

I heard a whispered 'damn' as my door opened slowly. Callin walked in, looking dejected and frustrated from getting caught, while also looking slightly guilty.

"What's up, dad?" He asked, playing innocent.

"How much of that did you hear?" I asked, patting the bed next to me, telling him to sit down.

He sighed in defeat, "All of it, I think." He climbed in next to me, purposely trying not to brush against my side. My stomach flipped with hurt.

"You 'think?'"

"Well, up to the part where you were talking about me."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "So…all of it?"

"Yeah, I guess." He was refusing to look at me, and I couldn't tell whether it was because he was embarrassed or upset. Probably both. "Do you…do you really feel that way? That I think everything was your fault?"

"You basically flat out screamed it, Cal."

"I was…mad…"

This time I couldn't stop my eyes from turning to the ceiling. "Cal, it's okay. It doesn't matter."

"But I –"

"It doesn't matter." He knew by the finality in my voice not to say anything else. "It's late. Go back to your room, okay?"

"…okay." He left without looking back to say goodnight, but at the moment I didn't care. I couldn't care that he was mad at me because I apparently had a plan to ruin his life. Because I could feel a plan forming in my head. I didn't think it would be too hard to accomplish. As soon as the light of the morning started shining through my window, I was going to start acting like I was the damn happiest person on the planet. Even if I was screaming inside, I was going to at least act like I was enjoying myself. For Cooper's sake, for my kid's sake, and anyone else's sake who thought I was miserable. No one else would have to know what happened, no one else would look down on me. I just hoped that when we moved to the new house and finally escaped the hold my past had on me, the acting would become real, and I could live again.

I didn't know that moving away would reintroduce me to an entire world I thought I left behind a long time ago.