They’d been picking at their appetizer, the emotions swirling between them squelching any appetite they might have brought with them. Now, it sat virtually uneaten in their less than companionable silence and Kurt was ready to scream.

“Blaine, I’m sorry. I didn’t think there would ever be an us to come home to, so I just tossed everything away. If it’s any consolation, I tossed my take out and the entire bottle of booze with a raging vomiting fit in the morning. Apparently, shame makes me puke.”

“Good.” But, Blaine’s face softened and he finally reached out and popped a piece of calamari in his mouth. “I just worry that this is how you handle difficulties all the time because if so, maybe there really isn’t anything worth talking about.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t run. I might pout and puss and rage, but I don’t run. And I’m sorry I ran. I didn’t give you the opportunity to explain before I lost my shit. And I owed you that…at the very least.”

“I owed you the truth from the beginning.”

“You did. So, why didn’t you just tell me??”

“Can I go back further? I promise I’ll answer that question, but…”

“I told you I came here to listen."

The smiles shared were sad and contrite, but Kurt figured, at least they were smiles. And then, at the same time, “I’m so sorry,” stretched across the table and they could move forward. Slowly, please, but forward.

“Can I start by showing you his picture?”

“No.” He reached out to Blaine’s hand when pain flashed through his eyes. Pain he was seeing too often. So far, even with apologies, this conversation was mostly awful. “Not yet. I might not like kids, but I’m not a machine. I can be swayed by the cute and I believe Dot’s word for him was…darling.”

“He is.”

Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand before letting go and scooping up a few calamari onto his appetizer plate. “So, can you save the picture? For now?”

“Fair enough. So. My brother, Cooper. He had a friend that was always hanging around our house. I honestly don’t really have memory of her not being a part of our lives. He met Maggie in elementary school, probably before I was born. She was just a fixture in our lives. A cute, freckle-faced crazy fixture. She’d help Coop babysit me and when Coop was busy, she’d do it. We built forts, climbed trees, hunted for frogs' eggs in a creek by our house…we just had great adventures.”

Blaine sat up, excited at some of his memories. “You remember the movie Up?”

“Of course…one of my favorites.”

“Ellie? The wife? Maggie. Without the frizz. She was just wide-eyed, freckle-faced, fun and silly and as a little boy, I thought all girls would be just like her. Always looking for a grand adventure, filling a scrap book full of memories and dreams.”

“I might have liked girls if more of them were like Ellie…Maggie…”

Blaine snickered and continued, sneaking a few more calamari. “These are average, aren’t they?”

“At best. But, I’m suddenly starving, so I don’t care.”

“So, yes. Most girls weren’t like Maggie, but that was okay, because we had Maggie and as far as I was concerned, I didn’t need any other girls. Cooper didn’t agree. But, when he’d venture off dating this girl or that girl, Maggie stuck around anyway. He even tried dating her but I believe his words after that night were fucking and disaster.”

“Never date your sister.”

“Exactly. So, Coop went off to college and Mags stayed here, went to University of Findlay and I stumbled through adolescence like the pimple-faced gay kid I was. But she was always there. When I was beat up after a dance at school, she and Coop were there. She helped me find the words to come out to my dad and she held me when I fell apart afterwards. She was there when I graduated from the Academy and was present for every citation, every promotion…more than my parents were, more than Cooper could be.” Blaine finally took a breath, grateful when the waitress came with their meals, although talking all of this out just might kill his appetite again. “She became my best friend instead of Cooper’s.”

“He never moved back home after school?”

“No. He and dad…it wasn’t good. Dad’s…well. Let’s just say you’re really, really lucky.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

“Eh, I’ve learned to accept him as he is even if he can’t return the favor. Saves a lot of grief.” He swirled pasta onto his fork and slurped it up, chuckling with Kurt as they both failed the graceful eating test. “It’s probably good this isn’t a date. I’m a slob.”

Kurt motioned to a spot on his lip and Blaine licked out to scoop up the rogue sauce. “So…Maggie.”

“Maggie. I’m rambling. The best thing about Maggie was how desperately she wanted to be a mom. The worst thing about Maggie…”

“…was how desperately she wanted to be a mom?”

“She would date…god, she was a serial dater. If he had a dick and was into girls, she’d go for it, testing him out to see if he was dad material. It was awful to watch, especially as I got older and could figure out what the hell she was doing. Fortunately, before she really ruined her life, she gave up the dating game and decided to have a kid on her own. She was…god, our age now, I guess. Approaching 30 and the cliché biological clock was ticking. She went completely insane with researching artificial insemination and sperm banks and adoption and alternative means. She was obsessed.”

“So, you volunteered.”

“Eventually. She decided on artificial and was going to go to a sperm bank. Complete stranger. Questionable medical history – or questionable access to it. It just didn’t seem right to me. Too risky. Cooper thought I’d lost my mind, going on and on about legal entanglements and everything, so. We hired a lawyer, made my dad go completely gray with the humiliation it would bring our family which oddly? Made me want to do it even more.”

Kurt laughed and pointed to Blaine’s full plate. “Honey, eat. We can talk after we’re done.”

“No. I want…I need to do this.” He snuck a bite in and continued. “We drew up the papers and I was going to be The Father. Not The Dad. I wasn’t going to really have much to do with the raising of the baby. Just…a family friend sort of thing? See, here’s the thing, Kurt. I never wanted to be a dad either.”

“But you loved Maggie more.”

“Yes. I wasn’t there for the birth. I paid no medical expenses. I was literally the sperm donor…except she knew me and it seemed…safer.”

“I have to ask…”

“Artificial, babe. I loved Maggie, but there was no way in hell...”

“There’s love and then there’s love…”

“And my love for Maggie was never romantic. So many people didn’t understand that – like if we stayed close I’d somehow turn straight or because she was so amazing, I’d change my mind.”

“Ignorance is ugly.”

“And Maggie was beautiful. Adrian…” He stopped, realizing Kurt knew nothing, absolutely nothing about his son. “His name is Adrian. And he turned five in May. And he has the best mom this planet has ever offered a boy. She was made to be a mother. Helping her do that was the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

Kurt had already finished his meal by the time Blaine was done talking, setting his plate to the side to wait for a take home box. He had started putting 2 and 2 together. Blaine was speaking in past tense and if this woman was the perfect mom Blaine was making her out to be. If she fell into the role so perfectly…

“I’m only coming up with one reason why she’s not involved anymore and it’s not a pretty one.”

Blaine sighed, sadness taking over the whole of his body as though he’d been holding it in since the first time he’d met Kurt. As though the sadness he had over Kurt’s taking off, over Kurt’s brief infidelity, over Kurt’s accusations were only a prologue to the true sadness he carried around from day to day. And it was.

“Ovarian cancer. She died this past October.”

***

“Will this be one check or two?”

“Two.”

“One.”

“Two, please.” Kurt blinked through the tears he was fighting off and tried to give Blaine a stern look. “Not a date. Please.”

Blaine lifted his hands in surrender and kept his eyes down until the waitress left, boxing up his mostly uneaten meal. “I’m sorry. I asked you to come; I feel I should pay.”

“You’re still too polite. And I am the biggest raging asshole that was ever born.”

“No. You’re not. How could you know? I guess what I want you to get out of it all is that…I didn’t want this either, Kurt. I didn’t want to be a dad. But, here I am and I don’t know how to date like this. Guys would bolt when they found out I’d fathered a child and that was before she was even sick, before I carried around the dad role, so now? I’m just…I never expected to find you and when I did? I panicked. I just went for the ride and hoped I’d figure it out when it was time.”

The issues, the pain, the running and the arguing had suddenly boiled down to one thing: Blaine was a father. And, Kurt was desperately in love with him. He was also desperately in not like with children. It was, to put it mildly, a problem.

But right now, he needed to get out of the restaurant. It was stifling. Decisions weren’t going to be made this night anyway.

“Do you want to go to the park?”

“Sure. You’ll need to drive or give me directions – it’s up in Bath Township, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I’ll drive.” They headed out and got in Kurt’s car, sharing a look and shy smiles. “I’m so sorry, Blaine. She sounds…amazing.”

“She really was.”

“So,” Kurt started the car and they picked up where they left off. “…are you his legal guardian now or what? How does that work with what you had drawn up at his birth?”

“I was always on the birth certificate, so that wasn't an issue, but when her health got to the point of we’ve done all we can, we got the attorneys to write up everything again and I’d get custody too.”

“Did she ask, or did you offer?”

“I offered. She fought it for awhile knowing how I felt, but the other options just weren’t great. Her parents are a great help – always have been, but she was adamant that they’d not raise their grandchildren and I agreed. I know it works sometimes, but it just seemed ridiculous.”

“No siblings?”

“A younger sister who has an affinity for heroin.”

“Holy shit…well, that wasn’t going to work.”

“No. And Cooper considered for awhile, but he just couldn’t do it. As close I was to Maggie, I think he was even more emotionally attached. I thought I was going to have to medicate him to get through the funeral.”

“So, this is going to sound really judgmental and I don’t mean it to, but…this is still new. Why move? Why upset Adrian’s life even more?”

“I actually moved for more stability. A 9-5 job is easier since I'm going it alone. I mean, I could have taken desk job with Findlay and I considered it, but I’m a firefighter because I like fighting fires. I like being out there and talking to people. I like being a first responder. I’ve wanted this since I was 10 and I didn’t think giving that up would be doing Adrian any favors either.”

“No, it wouldn’t. And I’m going to skip over the obvious point that our conversation when we first met…when you told me why you moved…would have been the perfect time to fill.me.in.”

“I know. I know, I know, I know. But Kurt…I guess after the experiences before Maggie got sick – how guys acted like I had the fucking plague – I thought maybe this time I’d fess up after I knew he was in. And you’re going to laugh, but I was going to tell you that night. I really was. I had a sitter and everything.”

Kurt raised an eyebrow as they pulled into the parking lot and found a spot near a paved trail.

"Pardon my cynicism but that was only because Grandma brought him home and you'd run out of options, don't you think?"

"No." Kurt just waited for honesty to catch up with Blaine's knee-jerk response. "Okay, probably."

“Not one of your smartest decisions, Chief Anderson.”

“No. And I’ll apologize until you believe it.”

“I believe it. I don’t like it. But you don’t have to apologize anymore. And I’ll try not to bring it up again, because it really doesn't change anything at this point.” They got out and stretched, meeting on the path and journeying into the woods, relaxing with each step, grateful for a relatively cool night. “I’ve never seen you sad. Or…in a state of grief. How do you…why do you keep that hidden?”

“I save it for when I’m alone. It was a conscious decision so Adrian wouldn’t see it and I guess…it’s just how I’ve come to deal with it.”

“I’m sure I'm the last person you want advice about your son, but…can I?”

“I’m listening. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.”

Kurt smiled and chuckled, images of Blaine fathering a little five-year-old boy having been dancing in his head all evening. “I have a feeling you’re doing just fine, but Blaine? Don’t hide your grief from him.”

Blaine stopped walking and looked at Kurt, really looked at him. “Keep talking...”

Kurt looked up and saw a bench, taking Blaine’s hand to go sit. “I guess I have a secret too. Not that I intentionally kept it from you – it just never came up?”

“Can this be the last secret? Because I’m exhausted from this one.”

Kurt chuckled and smiled. “Last one. I promise. It just seems Adrian and I have a lot in common already.”

“How so?”

“Blaine, my mom died when I was eight.”

“That’s why you’re so close to your dad.” Blaine sat back and chuffed. “You know what my son’s going through.”

“I don't know about that. I was what? Twice his age, but I do know this. Dad hid his sadness from me. And so, I hid mine from him because if he was being brave then I had to be brave.”

“Oh hell.”

“I’m not pretending to know how Adrian’s dealing with this, but Blaine. It only makes sense that you’d grieve her together. Nine months is like a day when the person who was your everything is suddenly gone. He’s still raw and I’m guessing…so are you.”

“She was his everything.”

“Of course she was. She’s his mom. And Blaine? If you do it right? She will always be his everything. He doesn’t get the gift I got – he’ll never have someone in the mom role again. She will be his lasting memory…and you have to let him hurt for that.”

“I don’t know how…”

“Don’t hide your own pain. Bring her up in conversation. Don’t make her a taboo subject.”

“I do let him talk if he brings her up.”

“That’s good…but maybe you need to bring her up sometimes too. I don’t make grilled cheese as well as your mom did, but I did okay, didn’t I?”

“How did you know!?”

“I remember that was always Dad’s biggest irritation. It’s why I learned how to cook.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to hand the knives over to a five-year-old quite yet.”

“See? You’re doing great with him.”