Darkness… Darkness is overwhelming… Is this even real? Everything is dark… dark and silent…Except…

"Honey, you'll see, you're gonna feel better soon. Today the nice doctor about who I told you about is coming. You know, the one who works with such small buddies like you… when they have some problems with their little heads… like you…" the voice is quiet , barely noticeable. It's sad, heavy with sob, but still delicate. Always this voice. Always the same. "I hope you'll be able to sleep better soon." Sleep… Something so natural… Something so… terrifying.

It's the same, always the same dream. Always the same dream when darkness is suddenly lightened with strange light. It isn't warm and comforting, it definitely isn't. It's sudden and wild and warm to a level that makes skin feel like it's burning. This light is not good and steady… it's like fire. And the light itself could make him scream. But no, he is not screaming, not yet. Not till THEY show… There always three of them. Two are mockingly looking at the third one. At least, that's what you can calculate from the way they stand. They don't have faces, none of them… and maybe it's what is the most terrifying – you can't tell who they are. But you can FEEL, what they feel. Two of them are big, burning with anger and hate, one looks small, so small… He is lying on a bed and you can tell , just by looking at him, that he is HORRIFIED. But he is not horrified for himself, not really. But for whom? There are only three of them? So why it seems like he is frightened that something will happen to someone else? But it's temporary. Always it's temporary. Because always his feeling of being terrified for someone else is replaced with the feeling of being terrified for himself. All they have to do is to place the gun to his head…

And that's all what darkness allows him to see. All that he can stand, till the scream comes. It's so urgent, coming from somewhere inside, shaking him violently every time it comes. It's like someone was ripping his heart from his chest. But not once. No, it would be too subtle… Someone is ripping his heart out over and over again and then shattering it to peaces.

It last various amounts of time. Sometimes all that it takes to make it stop hurting so bad is this nice voice coming from somewhere so far… far away… Sometimes, there is nothing that can stop it. Stop this feeling of being so brutally, painfully killed. It lasts till, eventually, darkness collapses on itself and buries him even deeper than he was buried before . So deep that he almost CAN'T hear her. But he wants to hear her, he needs to hear her so bad… It's the only even slightly comforting thing in his dark, inhospitable world.

##########################################################

Kurt

"O.K… If you are so stubborn and want to talk about it again… I'll admit. I'm a little bit concerned." I can hear my father's voice.

I sit quietly, hidden behind the cupboard. I'm glad that I'm so little. Well, it isn't such a big surprise, I'm only one year old. And considering the fact that I can't stand on my own, that I'm still crawling on the floor, it makes hiding and following them even easier.

"A little bit concerned?" my mother is raising her voice… again. It's strange. From what I see on TV, mommies are always nice and quiet, daddies are screaming all the time. It's not that my mommy is not nice or doesn't love me. It's just… everything triggers her to raise her voice

Like this time when I was in a shop with her and she found THIS magazine in my carriage. But, still… I can understand her scream in that situation. Nobody believed her that I took THAT magazine by myself. This type of magazine with naked men in it. ONLY men. Everyone was accusing her of giving her son something THAT sick. Sick… I can clearly hear this horrible voice in my head… SICK…It's that what I am? Sick? Is it so wrong that I wanted to look at it? That I really liked it? I mean… I know that it's something wrong with me that I like THIS kind of stuff when I came to this world only fourteen months ago… But I figured it out when I was still in the hospital. I know that maybe it was wrong that I liked THIS kind of stuff… But never thought that THIS kind of stuff was something that people considered as BAD. And SICK. Was it just this particular magazine? I don't really think so… I saw that in their eyes. That it wasn't only about THIS magazine… That it was about… EVERYTHING connected to this magazine.

I also saw something else that day. Something that I had never seen before … or maybe I just chose to ignore it? I saw HIM crying. I saw HIS terrified eyes when I was reaching for THIS magazine, but I wasn't really bothered by it. Maybe I should have? Maybe I shouldn't make HIM cry. I don't want to see HIM cry… I tried to talk to HIM about it, tried to tell HIM that HE can talk to ME about EVERYTHING. But, well… I think that I want a little bit too much from some strange spirit who doesn't even talk. HE talked to me only once, a few days after I was born. And that was it. Since then, I haven't heard HIM speak …

Oh no, it's not that we aren't communicating. We are, all the time. HE nods if he agrees with me or I can read from HIS face what HE thinks or HE does gestures that help me to understand HIM… And I? Sometimes I talk to myself out loud , causing people to stare at me strangely. Sometimes I just let him read my mind. But I still prefer talking… It's just nice. Even if it can cause me some trouble. Apparently kids my age shouldn't be able to talk in the way I do.

"I think you are overreacting again. He is just different. Some kids start to walk earlier, some kids start to talk earlier. I don't see what's the big deal…" And here we go again… 'HE IS TOO SMART FOR A ONE YEAR OLD KID', on and on again… Always the same talk…

"Overreacting? Please, come with me… I'll show you what overreacting means, just come." My mother is trying to keep her voice calm… But I know it won't last long. It never does . Not until one of them notices me, then they apologize for screaming. When it happens - they try to look innocent, like they never talked about me. Like I can't understand them…

I hear them moving. Crap. They are going to the living-room. There is nowhere to hide! They will see me immediately if I decide to follow them! But I really want to know! I want to know what I've done this time . Not that I'm learning to stop doing these particular things. I'm just curious.

"You know what? You are a really crappy spy for someone who is invisible. You could be actually useful… if you actually talked " I tell HIM quietly, doing one of my LOOKS, which my mother finds adorable… To be honest, I don't see anything adorable in a 'Seriously…? Bitch… please' kind of look, but I think that it's because of how small and young I am. I'm pretty sure that my look will become pretty powerful some day. But my look doesn't scare HIM; to be honest, HIS reaction is quite the opposite. HE is shaking with mute laugh…

And then, suddenly… it comes from nowhere…

"Honey, talk to me, please. What've I done wrong this time ?" I can hear a strangely familiar voice… Is this… HIS voice?

"Oh, so you don't know? Sorry, but I don't feel obligated to tell you anything. IT'S SO OBVIOUS, BLAINE! Please, tell me that you're not serious!" I hear another voice, also strangely familiar… but I don't know where I've heard it before .

But it's not all. Not only voices… Because in one moment I realize… I'm not in the kitchen, hiding behind cupboard. I can see some hand, reaching for hairspray. I'm in a bathroom right now. Not my bathroom, not any other bathroom I ever seen before in my life. It's beautifully decorated, with light blue tiles on the walls and a big mirror on one of them. It's so big… It reaches from the floor to the ceiling. Or at least I think so, because I don't really have a chance to concentrate on any detail. Someone, in whose head I definitely am, is really frantic about something. He is grabbing everything quickly, looking at it, growling when he realizes that it's not that thing he is looking for and slamming it angrily to the place where it was before .

"What've you done with it? I swear Blaine! If you don't give it back to me RIGHT NOW, I swear that the consequences will be severe!" I catch a glimpse of some figure in the mirror. It must be me. I… mean, it must be this person in whose head I am right now. He is beautiful. Lean figure, perfect pale skin, perfect, completely naked body.

"You are not dressed yet? ! We have to go in like… TEN MINUTES! TEN MINUTES KURT! And you are still naked." I… he… damn. I'll just stay with I. I don't even bother to turn around. "Oh god… this isn't gonna work. You'll never be able to dress in ten minutes! I GAVE YOU ONE HOUR, KURT, ONE HOUR! And what've you done in this one hour, except everything around you into a complete mess?"

"I showered." My voice is sarcastic, the sentence finished with smirk… IN WHOSE HEAD I AM FOR FUCK'S SAKE! ?

"That's just brilliant… Please, tell me… HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE A FUCKING AWARD IF YOU ARE NOT THERE!" He is almost on the edge of tears . But it's not a sad cry. It's a cry from frustration.

"You can go and accept it in my name. OR JUST GIVE IT BACK TO ME, BLAINE! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! If we didn't share a bathroom I'd be able to find MY OWN STUFF. I wish that everything was like it always was . Just ME and MY bathroom." I throw my hands dramatically over my head, sigh heavily and just close my eyes, breathing deeply and leaning against the wall. I just know that I shouldn't say that. That it's bad, really bad. But I couldn't help it… I mean, he, this person couldn't help it. And I know that I can't control him.

"It's… it's our first apartment together. Are you… are you telling me right now, a few months after we moved here, that… that you're regretting it?" His voice is quiet suddenly. It's not even sad. It's just… empty.

"I don't know, Blaine… What do you think? Am I regretting it?" My voice is even more quiet than his. It sounds like a snake's hiss, dripping with venom… WHY I CAN'T JUST SHUT UP?

"I'm… I'm… I…" He is struggling, I can hear it. Why I must be so horrible to him? He hasn't done anything wrong. At least I don't think so. "I'm going to call Mercedes. I'm sure she is there already. Let her accept award in your name. And I'm calling Wes and David, maybe they'll let me crash in their apartment until I find something else. I hope you'll be happy here on your own. And guess what! You'll have the whole bathroom FOR YOUR THINGS. You can just throw out everything that is not yours. I don't mind…" HIS voice is full of resignation… full of pain.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HIM! ? What has this stupid person done to him! ? I know that's his biggest fear! I don't know where this came from, but I just know that he is afraid all the time that everyone will just abandon him. Like his father did, like his mother technically did, until he was about eighteen and she suddenly realized that he felt abandoned by his own parents, even if he lived with them in one house. And now, I fed his worst fear. I didn't even realize that he left the bathroom. I don't know how long I'm staying here. I just feel that I can't move.

It was supposed to be a great day. I was going to accept an award for my FIRST fashion school project, which almost immediately won me the first prize – the chance to get it used by D&G… FUCKING D&G! I know that I probably was just lucky, that I'll probably never win such a thing again… But it was such a wonderful thought! Such a wonderful thought that I could really be a famous fashion designer! I was so… so happy. I had been waiting for this day since I received the call that I won. Since MONTHS ago. I had waited so long. Until this day finally came.

Everything went wrong from the very beginning… AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I KNOW IT! But well… I guess that it just works like that. That when you enter someone's head, you can just know what they think and have open access to this person's memory. Simple as that.

But where I was… yes, everything went wrong from the beginning. First of all – I overslept. Overslept so badly that I decided that I'd just skip school this time. So I got up from bed and tried to remember my speech, when I realized that I DIDN'T REMEMBER IT. So I started to memorize it hectically and I finally managed, even if I'm not completely happy with the results. Then I wanted to dress myself in my favorite suit… When I realized that it HAD A BIG STAIN IN THE FRONT OF IT! I didn't even bothered to think where it was from, I just jumped into my car and rushed to the dry cleaner. But they told me that they wouldn't be able to clean it till the next day so I just swore silently and ran to buy another one. Once I chose the proper suit and I wanted to pay for it… I REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T HAVE MY CREDIT CARD WITH ME! So I rushed to apartment for it then rushed back again for this suit. When I came home, Blaine had already finished his school for the day. He told me… TOLD ME THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE WARM WATER! How was I supposed to shower with cold water? You know what it would do to my skin? So we waited for the plumber, but he called to say that he had a flat tire and he wouldn't be able to come to us earlier than in two hours. Two hours! We were supposed to be there in two hours! So Blaine decided that he'd be a plumber. I don't know how but after about an hour he finally managed to fix it. And I had only one hour left! So I took a shower and after I got out of it I realized that I really didn't know where my body lotion was… FUCKING BODY LOTION! I made him run from here BECAUSE OF FUCKING BODY LOTION! I'm just so stupid sometimes!

Wait… is he still here? I CAN STILL FIX IT! Yes, he is! I can hear his footsteps. He is going towards the door. NOOOOOO! I CAN'T LET HIM GO!

"Blaine? Please, come and talk…" My eyes are still closed. I hear Blaine standing in one place, please, let it work. "Don't… don't leave me alone!" I can't help it. I'm just sobbing. I feel that my legs are suddenly so heavy that I can't stand. So I just let myself slide to the floor. And there he is, like always, my hero…

"Kurt!" I hear his scream. He is running toward me, kneeling beside me, touching my forehead with a shaking hand.

"What's wrong, are you sick? Do you have a fever; you want me to call a doctor?" But I'm not responding, I'm just sobbing.

How can he be so perfect? How can he care for me so much, after what I've done to him just minutes ago?

"Baby, what's happening, you are scaring me! Did you catch a cold? I'm certain you did. Running around naked in the bathroom for almost an hour after a hot shower… Come here." I can feel his strong hands crawling behind my back and my legs and lifting me from the floor. "I'll lay you in bed and then I'll make you some tea. You are so cold…" …and you are so warm…

He is laying me in bed, and wrapping me in blankets. It feels so nice… I feel that my breath is evening out. I can finally stop sobbing. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I can hear him coming toward me again, putting a cup on the night stand. But I can't look at him. Not yet. I close my eyes again.

"I'll help you sit and drink, O.K? And if you don't feel better I'm calling an ambulance. Something is certainly wrong with you…" his firm hand is touching my back and pulling me gently toward sitting position. But I can't sit. I feel so numb right now.

"O.K. That's it. I'm calling an ambulance."

"No ambulance." I manage to speak quietly . I still have my eyes closed. I can't make myself look into his eyes right now.

"But honey… You can't even sit. You are barely conscious. Why you don't want me to call an ambulance?"

"I'm fine." Tears start falling. "I'm just hysteric right now. I think that I be having some sort of hysteric attack… but I'll be O.K. soon, I promise."

"What… what do you want me to do?" His voice is so soft, full of concern, affection. In this moment I wish that I could read his mind. What must he think about me?

"Just… just be with me till I manage to compose myself again. Then we will talk. And then… Then you can go to Wes and David if you wish." With the few last words, a loud sob escapes my throat.

And there he is again, my comforting knight in shining armor. He is lying next to me and then grabbing me lightly, letting me fall into his chest. His hand is stroking my hair gently for few minutes.

"I wasn't leaving to go to them. I just wanted to take a walk, you know?" he says finally. I open my eyes in shock. WHAT?

"You… you weren't ?"

"No…" He sighs heavily "I wanted to, to be honest. I came to our bedroom to pack my things. I called Mercedes and told her to think about something and get your award because we won't be able to be there on time… and then I wanted to call them. But I just couldn't. And I didn't know why. So I just decided that I'd sit for a moment and think about it all. Think about that you didn't wanted to hurt me. That you were under a lot of stress today and this stress must be talking. Think about your earlier life, that you are really not used do sharing a bathroom, because you had your own since you were five or something. About… about how much I love you and that I could lose you if I just march from here with all my things. And I couldn't let it happen. I was still mad at you, so I wanted to take a walk and cool down a little bit. But then… Then you know what happened. Don't do it again, please. You scared the living crap out of me."

"Sorry…" I giggle nervously. And is… is it really happening? Yes! I'm finally lifting myself to look my lover in the eye… OH MY GOD, IT'S REALLY HIM! I'm in HIS lover's head! But how did I manage to do it! ? And why is HE who I see every day so different from this version of him, that I've just seen right now? So that's HIS name. Blaine. I finally know HIS name! But why is HE with me? Why isn't HE with his lover? Why they aren't holding each other every day like they are doing right now? Or maybe they are holding each other every day and HE is still alive and still in love, still so… young. About twenty? Maybe less? No, it doesn't fit. It's more like… like a memory. Am I in HIS memories? But how…? Why…?

"Why are you looking at me like that?" HE is smiling so gently, so beautifully… I've seen HIM every day since the day I was born… and I never saw HIM smiling like that. Funny… I thought before that HE was beautiful. And now? I don't even know how to describe HIM. Absolutely stunning? Breathtaking? Yeah… I think that can work.

"Just thinking." I smile teasingly.

"About what?" HE smiles at me in the same way

"About what I've done to be with someone as wonderful as you. Seriously, are you even real? Isn't it all just a dream?" Am I flirting with HIM? Yes, I definitely am.

"I ask myself exactly the same questions every day. What have I done to be with someone like you? What have I done to find my soul mate in fucking high school? Tell me, what were the possibilities of finding someone like you in freaking gay Hogwarts. I'd say NONE. But oh, there you were… Even after a forever which I spent looking for you." HE is laughing lightly. HE is happy, so very happy! What happened? Why do I see every day merely a reflection of this beautiful young man I have in front of me right now? What happened to HIS lover? Is he… DEAD too?

"You are such a dork sometimes." I feel that his happiness is affecting me also. I never felt so happy before in my life.

"But you still love me." Oh my god… please, tell me that he isn't doing what I think he's doing. OMG he is. His eyes. His big, beautiful, hazel puppy-dog eyes…I want to be drawn into them and never come back.

"Yeah, I do love you." I lean down and kiss him on the lips softly.

"So… would you tell me what that was about?" He is pointing with his hand toward bathroom door.

" It's stupid." I murmur. I feel that I'm turning red. I'm so ashamed…

"Try me."

"Icouldn'tfindmybodylotion," I say as quick as possible.

"You what?" He is teasing, I can tell . I can tell that he understood, he just wants me to say it again properly, so he can tease me even more. Strange thing is, I don't really mind.

"Iiiiiiiiii cooooouldnnnnnnn't fiiiiiiiiiiind myyyyy boooodyyyy loootiiooon," this time I'm teasing him to, saying this sentence as slowly as possible.

"Wait… so you nearly kicked me out of our first apartment in NEW YORK, because you accused me of taking your body lotion?"

I'm nodding slowly, refusing to meet his gaze.

"Oh my god! Couldn't you just use MINE?" He acts like he is mad, but I just know that he certainly is not.

"Blaine, your skin is olive and healthy. Mine is almost porcelain white and very delicate," I explain in a tone which indicates that I'm talking about something obvious. Because I am, right? It IS obvious that I couldn't use HIS body lotion.

"Sooo…?..."

That's it. I just can't stand it anymore. If I just could send him my bitch glare… He definitely deserves it right now. Wait… am I… I mean, HIS lover actually DOING it?

"Kurt!" Blaine giggles completely uncontrollably "Your 'bitch glare' is just wonderful. But you know that I actually love it and many times I tease you just to make you do it?"

"Yeah, I know." I feel that my features are softening.

"I love you so much, Kurt," says Blaine with dreamy eyes.

"I love you too, Blaine," I feel myself saying … and then everything just goes blank…