So I am here, having all these thoughts… Should I have all these thoughts? Should I know that this strange thing sticking from my mouth is something that makes me breathe, even if I can't breathe on my own? Should I know that it's called a respirator? Should I know that this thing in which I'm lying right now is called incubator? Should I know that I probably was born too soon, because my lungs are clearly underdeveloped?

"Is he going to be O.K., doctor?" I hear the concerned voice of some woman. It probably is my mother.

"Unfortunately, we don't know that yet. He was born in the 27th week of pregnancy. It's a big thing, even in today's era." I hear another voice. It has to by my doctor. "We are doing everything we can. The only thing which we can really do now is waiting and hoping that he'll survive. This little buddy out there is a real warrior. Let's just hope he'll win this battle.

If I only could look at him… Please, come near, you have such nice voice… Oh yes, there he is, coming toward me… Damn, he has a nice ass… O.K. I'm sure now, I shouldn't have such thoughts.

And, from what I know… I shouldn't see HIM. Funny thing. I know that I know HIM. I know, that I recognized HIM before I went to sleep. I know that I had some memories about HIM… But now? It's just… HE. And nothing more. I don't know why I have such thoughts or why I can see HIM. One thing is clear. I'm strange… a really strange kid. And clearly there HE is, even if I'm sure that no one else can see HIM.

It's really comforting. You know… HIM being here with me. I'm not really scared. Probably I should be scared. From what I've heard, when the doctors were talking with my parents or with each other – I can die. I almost died, I'm sure of it. But tell me, how can I be scared?

HE is just beautiful. HIS eyes are so loving, so full of life, so warm… HIS lips, the way HE smiles looking at me. If I wasn't an infant, I'd probably be really turned on right now. O.K. I'm strange, really, really strange…

I want to touch HIM, to feel HIM, run my fingers through HIS curly hair. But is it even possible? I can barely see HIM, HE is so pale, so sheer… like HE isn't really here, but he still is…

Does it even make sense? No… Well… maybe it'll makes sense now – I don't think HE has a body. It's like he was just a ghost… WAIT? Is that what HE is? A ghost? So why am I not scared?

##########################################################

Blaine

So I'm lying here, still in hospital. I have jaundice. From what I heard I presumed that it's completely normal. I'm a healthy kid. It's a good thing.

I think this time I'm lucky. That this time – my parents really wanted me. Not only accepted, like my old parents…

No, I can't think about them like that. They are not my parents anymore. They are Blaine's parents. Blaine is dead. I'm someone else now…

I can't live my whole life in memories, can I? I'm not Blaine anymore, I must remember this.

I have new name now, a new identity… Wait? What was my name ? Josh, Jeffrey, Joseph? No… none of the above. But I'm sure it was something with "J" in the beginning. Jeremy… yes, it's Jeremy. Funny… I have a normal name now, yeah! People won't look at me strange this time. Seriously, why were most of the people so surprised, when I introduced myself? I can't forget how many times I heard "wait… Blaine? What kind of name is that? Is it even a name?" Yes, yes it is a name. Yes it is my name. WAS! REMEMBER IT, YOU'RE JEREMY NOW!

"Jeremy spoke in class today"… I've always liked this song. Well, let's just hope that I won't end like that Jeremy… considering that Blaine kinda ended that way, it would be really ironic.

I shot myself in the head. Funny thing. But I really didn't have a choice, did I? This or that way… I'd be dead. It was me or him… of course it had to be me to die, it had to be him to live. If he was the one who died… I just know that I wouldn't be able to cope. I would have killed myself soon after his death. He is the stronger one, always was. Funny… I was the one who kept telling him "Courage" in various situations… even if he was always the courageous one. I know that it'll be hard for him, but he'll cope soon enough.

I hope that he told everyone what happened. Told them that I had to write this stupid letter with these horrible, horrible words. Told them that it wasn't really suicide, even if technically it was. Told everyone how much I loved them…

And I know, what I told him. That I want him to forget about me. To find someone else, marry him, be happy… Of course, I still want him to be happy. I still want him to marry someone else… I just want to be remembered, you know? I want, in the depth of my heart, him to use my name to name some of his future children. It'd be like I was still alive…

Well, technically, I am alive. But I'm not STILL alive, I'm alive again. I'm not Blaine, I'm Jeremy… and it has to be this way. I can't come back to his life, it's impossible. I can't come to him and say to him, when my body finally let me to speak, that I'm Blaine. It would be just ridiculous. I'd be around 2, he'd be around 27. I don't want to even imagine it. He'd freak out. Everybody would…

I must forget about them… About love of my life, about all my best friends, especially Wevid (oh my god… I still can't forget the day, when I called them like that. Wes was so… mad! But it was still kinda cute. Because he really wasn't mad, at least not after this first time. They always were and always will be gay for each other, even when they have girlfriends. It's just known fact… Wes and David bromance. Wevid bromance…), about my mom who finally learned how to love me… how to really, REALLY love ME, not her expectations for me. I'll really miss them. All of them… Not only Wevid… also Neff… and other Warblers…

Oh my god! Neff! They planned to get married soon after our marriage! I hope they still will marry this year! They deserve it, they deserve to be happy.

And I will miss New Directions, even if they never really were my family… Well… I think that it's because I was only with them a year. But still… The Warblers always were there for me. All of them. Even the ones who finished Dalton a short time after my transfer there . I could never say such a thing about New Directions… But well, it's not a good time to rake over.

And I will miss Hudmels so, so much… Burt, Carole… even Finn, who, funny thing, was really like brother to me.

Funny… everything is funny to me. I think I'm just bored, you know? Lying here, waiting for whole new life to begin… I wonder if it always will be this way. Me, remembering everything… Will I ever be able to forget?

##########################################################

Kurt

"It's my fault, everything is my fault!" this woman, my mother, is crying again. She is crying the whole time… I just want to do something, anything to make her feel better.

"It's not your fault, honey. It was just accident" this man, my father, try to comfort her… Again. He is failing, considering that he has the same thought as this woman. But he isn't saying it out loud. I just hear it in his voice. He thinks that it's her fault, my sickness… He just keeps it to himself. He must really love her.

"No, it is my fault!" argues the woman. "If I wasn't so stupid, if I had just waited for you, if I wasn't so stubborn… He'd be still here, in my stomach. If I wasn't so stupid to climb that fucking ladder to clean those fucking windows, he wouldn't be born yet. He would be still safe inside me… And now? Look at him, just look at him! He isn't breathing, he is barely moving, they had to reanimate him… JUST AFTER HIS FUCKING BIRTH! What kind of mother am I? Tell me? What kind of mother risks her child's life to clean stupid windows?"

"It was accident sweetheart. It was stupid accident." This time, man also starts crying.

"Do something," I think. But not to myself… to HIM. Because, as creepy as it sounds… HE can hear my thoughts. I'm sure of that. HE is always doing the thing I want HIM to do. I learned a strange thing. I was right. HE doesn't have a body… but still HE can touch me. I can still feel HIS fingers, stroking my hair gently. I could still feel HIM wiping my tears with HIS finger when I was crying because doctor was giving me some injection.

That was it. The moment when I learned that HE can touch me, that he can hear what I think. The injection was really painful. I was crying and crying and crying… And begging someone, anyone to make it stop burning like that. And there HE was the next second, comforting me, wiping my tears, making my pain to go away…

"Please, they are hurting too. Do something for them, please!" I think again.

And then I hear it. A clear voice, gentle like velvet… "I can't".

I look at HIM… right at HIM. And there HE is, smiling apologetically.

"Why not?" I think again.

"Because I just can't." HE speaks again. "It's just how it works. Only you can feel me, only you can see me… and well – only you can hear me, even if I'm not sure if I'd I'll be able to speak to you ever again. I'll always be there for you; I just can't be there for anyone else. Everything gonna be all right, you'll see… Everything gonna be all right…"

"Am I going to die?" I think. I don't wanna die, not really… HE only smiles at me, and strokes my hair again. In this moment I get my answer.

"You wouldn't let me die. I'm right, that's it, isn't it?". HE smile again and nods quickly. And it is all that I need…

##########################################################

Blaine

So… I guess that's it. World, beware, I'm coming! The doctor examined me today, told my parents that I can go home… So I am. Home, sweet home! I just can't wait. I just can't wait to see my new room, my new toys…

I hope there won't be many of them. That Jeremy's parents aren't as rich as Blaine's parents were… It's not that Blaine hadn't liked being rich. He had a great car, he could attend Dalton, he could travel, spend money to buy another instrument and learn how to play it… But he wasn't really happy. At least, he wasn't really happy because of money.

You can't buy friendship, you can't buy love… And you clearly can't supersede love with money. Too bad Blaine's parents never really learned that lesson, at least when Blaine was a kid. I still can remember how lonely he felt in his own house, in his own room, surrounded by his own toys.

No, Jeremy's parents aren't like that – I can see it. The way in which they hold Jeremy, they spend every second of his life, my life, just being there for him. They really, really love me.

I'm sure that I wasn't wrong, when I thought that was going to heaven – because, what else it is? I'm healthy, I'm loved… it's a real paradise.

But wait! What's that ? A voice… I know this voice… Is it? No… I'm sure it isn't. Why would she? But no! I'm right! I can clearly hear Blaine's mom voice! Mommy! Jeremy's mommy! Please, stop. I want to listen. I want to know why she is here. Oh, that's it. She is sitting now. I can feel that. We are both waiting… She is waiting for my discharge, I'm waiting for Blaine's mother to speak again…

"How is he?" she speaks finally.

"The doctor said that it was close call, but he'll be O.K." I can hear another voice which I can recognize. Is it Carol? What would she be doing in here?

And then I hear another voice. A scream, filled with anger and hate. It sounds so… bad, so different, that I almost recognize the person who was speaking. "It's all your fault! Yours and your fucking son's fault!" screamed the voice.

"Excuse me?" I hear my mother speaking again. She sounds hurt. What is it about?

"Finn, please, don't be so harsh. Don't forget that she lost her son too." Carol speaks again. Wait… did I hear wrong? Please, tell me that I did hear wrong. It can't be true. There wasn't "too" in the end of her sentence. Why would there be? I must have heard something wrong.

"Why should I be more gentle?" Finn speaks again. "Burt almost had another heart attack. Almost had another heart attack in the middle of court".

"I know, but…" my mother is crying, I could hear that. Why Finn is doing this? Why is he making her cry? I know that Burt is sick again. I know that he is nervous because he loves Burt… as much as I always loved him, seeing my real father in him. But why does my mother deserve to be treated like that?

"But what? But your son had nothing to do with it? BULLSHIT!" Finn sounds even more angry than a minute ago. "We all heard it. All saw the evidence. All heard what the court had said … YOUR SON WAS A FUCKING MURDERER!" It can't be true… IT CAN'T! Please, tell me that you are not indicating what I think you are indicating. Please, don't say it, please!

"Finn, mind your words! I won't let you harass Blaine's name like that!" says Carole in a harsh voice. "I know what the court said, but you know it's not true! You knew it two days ago; suddenly you changed your mind? BLAINE IS INNOCENT. And we should all be here for not only Blaine, for both of them." Oh my god… no… oh my god… "The evidence proved wrong! There are so many wrong things about this case. Blood splatter patterns don't match, the suicide note sounds like someone else told Blaine to write it… Even the fact that Blaine was BLAINE, doesn't match! The court just wanted to close this case, because they don't want to bother themselves with two 'fags' deaths! We both know there's was no way… and I'm saying it again… THERE'S NO WAY that Blaine would do this! Blaine would never kill Kurt!"

I was wrong… it's not heaven. It definitely isn't… They killed him too… BUT THEY PROMISED! How could I be so stupid, trusting them like that? They killed Kurt too…

KURT is dead… Kurt IS dead… Kurt is DEAD. And now, everyone thinks that I killed him. Everyone thinks that I killed him and then I killed myself…

It's not truth… It can't be happening… IT CAN'T!

I was wrong the whole time… they were always right. There's no way that fag like me would go to heaven. We are all going to hell… And here I am. In hell. My own, personal hell…I feel pain. So much pain! In my heart, in my head, in my soul… I deserve it. I deserve to suffer…

I LET THEM KILL KURT! I LET THEM KILL MY ANGEL!

I am screaming, screaming with my whole lungs. I want to die… Please, let me die. I can't stand it anymore. Darkness is coming – I can see it… Let it consume me… Let hell consume me… I'm in hell…