Tell Me We’re You’re Going

Jesse’s heart sank as he left the parking lot of the Carnival, cars humming past him. He couldn’t even think; it hurt too much. Judging by the way he slammed on the brakes last minute at each stop, he obviously was delirious. He pulled into Scandals around the corner hearing the pounding beat that buzzed throughout his car from the bar. Jesse was a lot like his father, drinking off the pain of loneliness, regrets, and just people in general. He knew it was wrong but he needed something to take control over him, and music won’t cut it at the moment. Jesse dipped his hand into his pocket, fishing for his fake ID, and then handed it to a bulky man at the entrance of the club. The man nodded and led him through a drape of red curtains into a loud room filled with dancers dressed in ridiculous costumes.

Jesse pushed through the crowd searching for the bar; he was focused on letting loose to stop thinking about Sam. He seemed to replay every moment he spent with Sam in his head ever since he met him. He craved the feeling he had when was with Sam, even as friends. The way Jesse’s head would spin, his heart pounding out of his chest, and legs trembling below him, was exciting. He didn’t know why he just didn’t go with the feelings, he always ran away in fear of rejection. He could blame his father for the way he treated Sam but he couldn’t help but to blame himself for the countless times Jesse let his wrestling team friends beat Sam up. “I have a reputation,” Jesse growled to himself shaking his head for making the mistake of sending Sam a text message, let alone, actually talking to him. He reached across the counter of the bar taking a hold of the drink he ordered and pulled it up to his lips tasting the buzz of alcohol before even swallowing his first sip of it.

After a couple of drinks, Jesse shook his whole body to the beat of the music and danced with some of his bar friends, his vision becoming foggy. “Hey! Mr. Raaaaaagah! Tell me we’re you’re goin’!” He sang with the music, slurring the words.His veins flowed with enough confidence that he ignored the way his head throbbed painfully as he clung onto his drink. Jesse twirled around the floor spilling his drink onto the floor, “Oops,” he giggled. 

A firm hand held Jesse’s arm helping him up into a more balanced position. Jesse looked up at the boy with a smile creping onto his lips, “Sebby! I’ve missed you!” Jesse chanted happily pulling his friend, Sebastian, into a lazy hug.

The other boy laughed keeping a very sober appearance as Jesse leaned all of his weight on Sebastian, letting his legs lay limp, “Whoa, there, we’ve got to get you out of here,” Sebastian laughed.

“Fine,” Jesse sighed lifting himself off of Sebastian. Jesse stumbled into steps next to Sebastian the room spinning with lights and swarming with people.

He wrinkled his nose then suddenly widened his eyes and clutched his stomach in nausea praying for the dizziness to go away. Sebastian gripped Jesse’s arm and forced him to run through the crowd and the drape of curtains where Jesse broke away from Sebastian, lunging his chest forward and let his stomach empty itself onto the paved lot. Sebastian tried not to watch the liquid spilling out of Jesse’s mouth and splattering on the concrete as he covered his nose with his hands once the warm wind carried the stench in Sebastian’s direction. Jesse gagged and spit, attempting to settle his stomach and get the awful taste out of his mouth. He stood upright slowly using everything that he could to not gag again in fear of puking again. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, shaking furiously and looked at Sebastian apologetically.

Jesse cleared his stinging throat and walked to the other boy, dragging his feet on the ground until he was a couple of feet in front of him. Sebastian laid a comforting hand on Jesse’s back and rubbed small circles, “Here, let me drive you home,” he offered. Jesse shook and dropped his head to his chest sobbing and covering his face in his hands.

“It’s all Sam’s fault,” he cried, “he’s the one who makes me feel this way,” Sebastian gave Jesse a confused look then nodded remembering the name. Sam. Sam Evans, was it?

About a year ago, Jesse stumbled through the bar holding their favorite drinks in each hand. “Sebby, I met a boy,” Jesse blurted not able to contain his excitement before reaching Sebastian.

“Oh?” he grinned taking his drink and gulping half of it down.

“He’s smart, funny, and a talented singer,” Jesse said with a dazed look then grinned, “Who am I kidding, he’s hot as hell!” Sebastian choked on his drink, as Jesse giggled into his hand. They both clung onto each other trying to stifle their laughter but failed miserably. It’s funny how alcohol can do that to a person, blurt out their deepest secrets. When Sebastian was with Jesse, they both seemed to confess everything to each other within hours of drinking.

“Who’s the lucky guy?” Sebastian teased wiping his mouth and grinning at Jesse.

“Sam. Sam Evans.” he burped, “So, Sebby, how’re you and- uh Dave?” Sebastian held his drink to his lips and smiled at Jesse taking a long sip.

That was probably the happiest Sebastian has ever seen Jesse. Usually he was a little more put to himself, shy, and drank to cure his depression. He would end the night of drinking either sobbing or puking. But, drinking kept his mind off of his parents, which was something Jesse would do anything not to think about. “Jesse?” The boy raised his head to look at Sebastian with tears running down his cheeks, “W-why me?” Sebastian gave him a sympathetic look then tried to lead him to his car to go home, but Jesse wriggled out of him. “I can go home on my own,” Jesse mumbled walking towards his car and opening the unlocked door.

“Jesse, you can’t drive, you’re drunk,” Sebastian pleaded. Jesse ignored the calls and stepped into the car closing the door behind him and pulling out of the lot.

Why did Sam have to make him feel this way? Make him feel special for the first time. Make him feel loved. Why did he even have to make him feel anything? Sam seemed to never give up on him, but why? Why was Jesse so important? Well, Jesse was always second to Blaine in Sam’s eyes; there was no doubt about that. He remembered all of the times Sam would drop out of plans with Jesse because of Blaine. Stupid blind Blaine who always caused him trouble. Jesse slammed his fist into the steering wheel, fresh tears shining in his eyes. Whenever Sam wasn’t in school, that- that kid would always cling to his side like a magnet.

“Jesse, wait!” Sam ran after Jesse out of the choir room and into the deserted hallway. The lockers raddled as Jesse punched the metal door of a locker and dropped his head, staring at the marbled floor. Sam slowed his running steps until he reached Jesse breathing heavily. Jesse turned and rested his back and head against the lockers biting his lip and blinking back tears of confusion. Sam tilted his head and studied Jesse before rubbing the back of his neck with his shaking hand. “I’m confused too, you know,” he said sighing. Jesse slid to the ground and buried his face in his knees and let his tears sloppily roll down his flushed cheeks. Sam hesitantly sat next to Jesse and played with his thumbs listening to the other boy’s quiet sobs. Jesse sniffed and lifted his head and stared at the wall in front of him, ignoring the hot tears that were soaking his cheeks.

“I’ve been crying a lot lately,” Jesse whispered after a long moment of silence.

Sam shifted and cleared his throat, “Hm?” Jesse reached over to hold Sam’s hand and squeezed it lightly.

“Sometimes I feel that life doesn’t treat me right. Nobody… nobody c-cares about me. It’s like they’re waiting for me to break at any second.” Jesse paused, realizing what he was saying wasn’t making any sense. “Sam, can I tell you a story?”

Sam bit his lip and looked closely at Jesse before giving a little nod. “When I was little, m-my father walked into my room one night to kiss me goodnight, like he always did. But that night, he-,” Jesse took a deep breath and let out a heavy sob, “he did s-so much more. Horrible things that I will never forget, Sam. He used me,” Jesse shook in emotion and wiped his eyes self consciously. “Sam, he- he,” Jesse dropped his head on Sam’s shoulder and let the other boy wrap his arms around him as he cried. “He said that it would be alright. That he loved me. That- that he was taking care of me,” Jesse cried in a broken voice.

Sam stroked Jesse’s back and soothed the other boy with comforting words, “It will be okay, I’m here,” Jesse lifted his head and looked at Sam, resting his hands on the blonde’s hips. Sam brushed Jesse’s curls off of his forehead and gave him a reassuring smile, “I won’t give up on you, Jesse”.

“I won’t give up on you, Jesse,” the boy repeated to himself. Yeah right, Jesse thought throwing other drivers a disgusted look. The lights of the street blurred together as Jesse held the steering wheel tightly. Jesse tried to concentrate on the road but his thoughts kept running back to Sam.

Sam snuggled closer in Jesse’s arms resting his head on the toned shoulder. Jesse smelt of dew and mint taking steady breaths as they watched the colorful lights gleaming from the fair in the distance. Their hands intertwined and tangled in with the grass. The red orange sun painted the sky with steaks of purple dimly lying on the horizon. Laughs and music were muffled from the fair as Sam touched several kisses up Jesse’s neck. The other boy sighed leaning into the contact catching Sam’s lips in a swift kiss. Sam hummed happily, sat up, and grinned, “What?” Jesse giggled. Sam shook his head still grinning and studied the brunette.

“Your hair looks nice gelled up like that,” Jesse smiled and brushed Sam’s hair with his fingertips of his free hand. Sam’s heart fluttered at the gesture as he lifted his head to press his lips into the other boys’.

Jesse made a sound in shock then closed his eyes and moved his lips into his. Sam smiled against his lips at the way Jesse was shyly kissing him back. Jesse giggled in the back of his throat and fisted his hands in Sam’s shirt playfully jerking him closer. Could it be? Could Jesse really have another boy who cared about him this much? Could this be his so-called boyfriend? Jesse’s heart sank a little from the peak of his happiness to the terrifying thoughts of his father. “Do as I say!” his father sounded in the back of Jesse’s head. Sam pushed Jesse to the ground aggressively, putting all of his weight on the other boy, groaning at the new touch. “Let me take care of you,” Jesse winced and pulled away from Sam crossing his arms and stiffening.

Sam gaped at him breathing heavily confused by the loss of contact, “Am I going too fast?”

Jesse looked at Sam with tears shining in his eyes, “Sam, could you just leave?” he asked quietly sitting up.

“Jesse, I’m not leaving you, not like this,” Sam held Jesse’s hand and squeezed it, “tell me what’s wrong”.

Jesse sighed and furrowed his eyebrows, he tried to smile but he only felt anger. “You’re a disappointment, Jesse,” his father growled at him, “take your faggy leather jacket and get the hell out of my house!” Jesse clenched his jaw, gritted his teeth and shook his head. “Hey, I’m here, its okay,” Sam said softly snapping Jesse out of the memories. The other boy squeezed Sam’s hand and shifted closer to him. Jesse rested his head on Sam’s chest as they went back to watching the fair. The sky darkened quickly while they shared simple conversations and hummed popular tunes together. Jesse grinned at how Sam’s chest vibrated whenever he laughed or talked against his cheek.

“Mmm funnel cake,” Jesse mumbled sniffing the air. Sam smiled and took a deep breath of the warm breeze that hit his face with the smell of dough and powdered sugar. Jesse scrunched up his nose, “I wonder why they call it ‘funnel cake’”.

Sam chuckled lightly and nudged Jesse. “We’re being tortured with the amazing smell of funnel cake and all you’re worried about is why it’s called ‘funnel cake’?”

Jesse lifted his head and grinned at the boy, “Why not?” Sam leaned in close to Jesse until his phone suddenly rang. Sam let out a long sigh, just a centimeter away from Jesse’s lips. He reached into his pocket and held is phone up to his ear.

“Hello? – Oh, hey, Blaine – No, I’m not that busy – Wait; what? – No, Blaine, it’s fine, just- just stay right there, I’ll come pick you up right away, yeah – Okay, no problem, bud – Bye,” Sam gave Jesse an apologetic look and stuffed his phone back in his pocket, “Jesse, I’m so sorry, I have to go. Blaine was trying to make some friends by going to the fair with them but, they- they ditched him. Ugh, I should have seen it coming. Jess, please don’t get mad, will you be okay?”

Jesse gave Sam an annoyed look, “Would it matter even if I said, ‘no’?”

Sam looked at his shocked, “Jess, he’s- he’s my best friend, blind, and standing in the middle of the fair alone,” he shook his head, gripped his keys and headed to his car.

Jesse watched after Sam, “Well, I’m your boyfriend,” he said to himself.

Jesse punched his steering wheel and swerved in and out of his lane. His eyes weren’t working. They were blocked by a shield of blurring tears, at night after a few drinks. His head spun as he tried to think of if he was Sam’s boyfriend at some point or not. But did it really matter? He most certainly didn’t have him now. Oh God, will he ever have him back? Will he have to live the rest of his life feeling sorry for himself for losing such an amazing person like Sam? Cars honked around him as swerved more sobbing at the negative thoughts. He didn’t even recognize where he was, how long was he thinking? How long was he driving? Jesse frantically whipped his head around him searching for a road sign, a clock, anything. Anything to take him home. But where was his home? Not with his parents. Not at his lonely apartment. Sam was his home. Sam. Sam. Sam. CRASH.

He heard nurses rushing around him. The soft sound of the heart monitor beeped next to his ear. The doctor softly spoke of his diagnosis. “Jesse St. James. Car crash. Drinking under the influence. Seems to be 2 bruised ribs and right leg is broken. Could you take some more tests for his head?”

“Yes, sir,”

“Thank you, nurse Darleen”. The doctor’s footsteps sounded as he left the room. Wait, Jesse, the Jesse St. James? Blaine shook his head and woke from his sleep breathing heavily.

“Kurt?” He heard a muffled yawn from across the room, the creak of the bed, and soft lazy steps making their way in Blaine’s direction.

“What’s wrong, love?” Kurt said sleepily resting his hand on Blaine’s back. Blaine took a deep breath as he felt a strange feeling in his gut. He felt the feeling the day before he met Kurt.

A for certain feeling, “Jesse’s back.” Kurt widened his eyes and remembered the name. It was the name Sam screamed out earlier that night.

“The Jesse?” Kurt whispered looking sadly at Sam’s body that was rumbled into the sheets in his bed. Blaine hummed as his stomach churned. Kurt heard, he heard Sam’s screaming, Sam’s pleading, and Sam’s sobbing. Blaine suddenly felt anger bubbling up inside of him. Jesse put Sam through the pain, making his suffer of nightmares, putting Blaine in sadness to listen to his screaming, as well as Kurt. It wasn’t Sam’s fault to put them through all of this; it was Jesse, all Jesse.

“Yes,” he growled.