Not Now, Not Ever

Kurt lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He hasn’t moved from this position since Sam dropped him off at his house. Something about the empty home and silence couldn’t lull him to sleep. He just wanted to take his mind away from all of the drama and let his brain slip into a dream. But every time he would erase his thoughts into a dreaming sleep, he would always wake and end up staring at the same ceiling. There was nothing interesting about the textured ceiling steadily hanging above him but somehow, it was a lot better than closing his eyes into the darkness that Blaine was experiencing. So he stared, wondering if the ceiling might move or draw him a picture, but if any pictures were drawn, it would be drawings of Blaine. Hours seemed to rush by as he thought of Blaine. God, Blaine. Never in his life has Kurt felt so helpless as the other boy pushed him away and screamed furiously at him turning into a scarlet shade of red. So helpless as the nurses rushed in, drugged him, and wheeled him out of the room so quickly that Kurt couldn’t even register what was happening fast enough to protest. So weak as Sam released his arms from around Kurt and forced him out of the hospital. Leaving his love alone with strangers and nothing to see but the darkness he’s been around all of his life. So broken as Sam pulled out of the parking lot with only the sounds of his own quiet weeps for the full 45 minute long drive home. And now. Now Kurt had wasted his whole day staring at the same ceiling. He didn’t even care that his clothes wrinkled beneath him as he was twisted stiffly in the sheets. He was emotionless lying on the bed with his eyelids growing heavy and tired after all of the crying, but nothing could help him sleep with all of the worrying he was going through.

“Kurt!” Finn called from the other side of the door. The other boy squeezed his dry eyes shut and took a deep breath hoping that the silence would send Finn trotting back up the steps to leave him alone.

Kurt flung his eyes open at the sharp crack against the wood of the door that echoed around the spacious room, “Finn!” Kurt yelled with a shaky voice as there was another slam rattling against the wood and swinging the door open resulting in it slamming into the wall behind it. “What the hell?” Kurt said blinking in confusion and sitting up rubbing at his painful eyes.

Finn looked at the abused door then down to his shoes stepping into the room, “I’m sorry, I just,” the tall boy bit his lip and looked up at Kurt, “I didn’t see you at school today”.

Kurt twisted his hands in his blankets and sighed, “Yeah, uh-,”

“I talked to Sam,” Finn interrupted inching closer to him with each word, “he told me… everything”.

Kurt widened his eyes and turned red staring deeply into the floor and strained his face avoiding Finn’s eyes, “Blaine was just-,”

“I know you’re upset, but,” Finn rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head, “I’m really worried about you”.

Kurt stared at the other boy in shock. He was so used to the teasing and bickering with Finn at home but this was a whole different side of him. Kurt honestly didn’t know what to say. Whatever way the words came out of his mouth that was anything revolving the incident earlier this morning, it would only worry Finn more. “Finn,” the other boy awkwardly sat at the end of Kurt’s bed tipping the mattress in his direction and almost lifted Kurt into the air. “I- what happened. It was not, uh, it wasn’t the nicest thing to-,” God, why was it so hard for him to talk? Words! Speak words! Why couldn’t he just tell Finn how he really felt to just get everything off of his chest? He felt like his tongue was tied under a boulder not allowing his thought’s to escape his mouth. Yes, Finn was his brother but… he was his brother! Wasn’t that a good enough excuse?

Finn shook Kurt’s foot that was covered by blankets and gave a genuine smile. “You don’t have to explain what happened, I know it’s…hard, dude, I just wanted to know if you were okay,” Kurt breathed in relief and scratched his head wishing the silence wasn’t as quiet, “So, are you okay?” Finn asked releasing his hand from Kurt’s foot and relaxed it on the blankets beside it.

Kurt shook his head and looked up at Finn, “Can I tell you the truth?” he asked shifting in the sheets and pulling the blankets closer to his chest. Finn nodded and tapped his fingers on his knees, “I’m not okay”. Finn stilled for a moment then sadly looked at Kurt. That was the look wasn’t it? The look that Blaine sensed whenever someone felt bad for him; the sympathy look. The look that made Kurt feel weak and childish. But this was different. Kurt wasn’t disabled, just emotionally distressed which made the look all the more real. The look or tone in voice genuinely wasn’t forced like all of Blaine’s encounters, it was just Finn. His brother.

The other boy stood walking to the side of the bed and sinking into the side of the mattress next to Kurt, “Well, talk it out,” he smiled and rested a hand on Kurt’s knee. Kurt looked at his painted nails then gave a small smile. He had support. People to talk to. People to share his feelings with them right in front of him yet he was moping in his bed staring at the ceiling and avoiding the world. He didn’t want to live like that, not now, not ever.

Finn pulled at his jacket disapprovingly and looked at Kurt who grinned happily giving little claps at the other boy’s appearance. “Kurt, why do I have to wear such tight pants?” He asked tugging at the thin fabric that hugged tightly to his legs.

Kurt slapped at the tugging hand and smoothed the jacket Finn fittingly around his bulky chest, “It’s called ‘fashion’,” he smiled eyeing a shelf of neatly folded ties then grabbed one and draped it around Finn’s long neck, “that looks great,” he grinned backing away from the other boy and getting a better look.

Finn sighed and picked up the tag that hung loosely from the tie and read it widening his eyes, “No way,” he said shaking his heading and stripping the light fabric off of his neck and threw it messily on the shelf.

Kurt clucked his tongue and reached for the tie and showed his credit card in frontof Finn’s eyes, “We’re covered,” he smiled watching the other boy dropping his head and tapping his foot impatiently. 

“So, are we done?”

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows at Finn then grabbed a handful of shirts from nearby racks and pushed them to Finn’s chest, “We’re just getting started,” he said as the other boy rolled his eyes and turned around heading towards the changing rooms.

Finn cradled a towering bundle of clothes as they reached the register then dumped them on the counter as the cashier rung them up. Kurt gave the woman his credit card then looked up at Finn giddily. The other boy gave him a curious look as he reached for the bags, Kurt gripped his credit card then stuffed it in his pocket, “What?” he asked after Finn was quiet a little too long for his standards.

Finn shook the bags in his hands and smiled at Kurt, “Why did you want to do this?”

Kurt smiled at the stores as they passed them walking through the Lima Mall, “Shopping makes me happy… I kind of need that right now,” Kurt looked at Finn then scuffed at his outfit, “plus, you needed a makeover”. Finn pursed his lips at him jokingly then jerked his head at the swarm of delicious smells that drifted in their direction as his face dropped into tired expression.

He then pointed at the food court and turned to Kurt, “Can we eat lunch?” he asked holding the shopping bags limply at his sides.

Kurt watched Finn’s pleading look then sniffed the air letting his stomach grumble in want, “You bet”.

Finn jumped at the response, grabbed Kurt’s wrist then pushed through the crowd until they reached the counter of the nearest restaurant. The cashier smiled at the two then gestured to the menu hanging above her head, “What you boys like to eat?”

“Food,” Finn said instantly drumming his fingertips on the counter. They picked out their meals, then gripped trays of food and settled at a booth digging into the food.Kurt shoved large pieces of salad into his mouth as Finn took big bites of his hamburger. Finn finished quickly wiping ketchup from his lip with a napkin then pointed a finger at Kurt, “You know what you should do?” 

Kurt licked his lips and swallowed eyeing Finn’s several slivers of french fries left on his plate, “Hm?” he answered reaching a hand across the table and stealing a fry.

The other boy narrowed his eyes at Kurt playfully then continued, “I think you should talk to Blaine”.

Kurt shoved the fry into his mouth and mumbled to himself moodily, “What makes you think he wants to talk to me?”

Finn took a sip from his drink then let out a heavy sigh, “Kurt, he wasn’t angry at you, just at the situation,” Kurt stopped mid chew then picked up the fork for his salad and stabbed at the lettuce. Finn gathered his trash on his tray and pushed his chair out, “Just a thought,” he said standing and gripping tightly to the bags. Kurt took a last swig of water before standing and shoving the chair closer to the table following after the other boy.

They decided to call it a day after a couple of hours and headed out of the mall and into the parking lot. Finn shoved the bags into his truck and settled in the driver’s seat as Kurt sat in the passenger seat. Finn clutched the wheel and pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road. “Fine,” Kurt said finally after a couple a silent minutes staring out of the window and examining each tree that zoomed past them.

Finn shook his head and glanced at the other boy before returning his eyes to the road, “What?” he mumbled tiredly.

Kurt took a deep breath and twisted his hands together, “I’ll talk to Blaine”.

Blaine paced in his bedroom occasionally tripping on the edge of his bed with earphones firmly tucked into his ears. He really screwed this up, didn’t he? But, it wasn’t his fault… it was his blindness talking! Can’t a condition talk? Damn it, he did it. He couldn’t deny what he did. He wasn’t thinking; he was just so focused on seeing his love for the first time. God, was that enough to ask? To see his love? He didn’t care if he couldn’t see him for the rest of his life he just wanted one second. Just one second of taking in the delicate features of his boyfriend. But he never will. He will never watch their linked hands swinging limply at their side. He will never see Kurt scrunch up his face in tickling laughter. He will never see Kurt lifting a coffee to his lips and taking a long sip staring at Blaine with an inescapable look. Even the simplest of things that made Kurt Kurt. He will never see him. Never. God, that word. Never see. Never in his whole life. Not even his love. That’s what made Blaine angry. He only ever had the desire of seeing when he first met Kurt. The love of his life. But no. No. Doctors and surgeons can’t cure everything can they? Blaine bit his lip and lowered onto his knees sobbing into his hands. “I just- I love you so much,” he cried pulling his earphones out and tugging his fingers in his hair and feeling the warm tears running down his cheeks.

He felt a hand rub against his back in small calming circles as Blaine lifted his head and quickly wiped his tears trying to calm his sobbing but failing miserably, “I know you do, Blaine,” a voice said in his ear.

“Kurt?” the other boy faced the voice and gripped the shoulder of the boy. Kurt gulped nervously and kneeled in front of him holding tightly to the other boy. Blaine shook his head in regret, “Kurt, I’m so sorry for how I treated you. I just really wanted to see you but, God, I love you so much,” Blaine cried pulling Kurt closer chest heaving tears slipping quickly from his eyes, “I’m so sorry,” Kurt nodded and shook slightly at the way Blaine was acting. The other boy gripping onto him tightly, tears painted over his flushed cheeks as complete love stared back at him.

“I love you too,” Kurt choked with tears shining in his eyes clutching onto Blaine closer and pressed his lips into his. Blaine sobbed into his mouth and moved his lips sloppily with the other boy. Kurt rested his hands at the back of Blaine’s head pushing him into a deeper kiss as Blaine whimpered slipping his tongue into Kurt’s mouth tasting the love that strongly clung to every inch of him. Kurt hummed into his mouth melting at the way Blaine skillfully moved his tongue with his. Blaine gasped for air against Kurt’s lips but not wanting to break apart as he darted his tongue back into Kurt’s mouth tangling itself around Kurt’s pushing the other boy on his back. Kurt breathed in short quick breaths tugging on Blaine’s clothing and accidentally unbuttoned it as he pulled him closer. He couldn’t stop, his hands wandered to the lonely buttons keeping their lips firmly in contact as he unbuttoned the rest of the shirt. Kurt firmly wrapped his hands under the shirt and hugged his arms around Blaine’s fleshed torso.

The other boy gasped at the new contact and broke away from the kiss breathing heavily. Kurt whined at the loss of touch and stared at the confused Blaine. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked breathlessly. Blaine was silent for a moment but then shook his head grinning and forcefully pressed his lips into Kurt’s. The other boy pushed the shirt down Blaine’s shoulders and began unbuttoning his own shirt cursing to himself about the several layers of clothing he wore. They pressed their chests flushed against each other exploring the skin with their hands. Blaine gripped tightly to Kurt and rolled on his back planting Kurt above him straddling over his hips. Kurt rocked into his hips groaning at the touch and watching Blaine’s body shake in pleasure. Kurt gasped at what was doing then forced himself to lift his body off of Blaine and lay on his side beside him.

“Please, Kurt,” Blaine whined biting Kurt’s lip harshly and pressing his own palm into his groin. Kurt bit back a groan and wrapped his hand into Blaine’s secretly wanting to help his problem but decided that it wasn’t the right time.

“Let me try something,” he whispered seductively pressing heated kisses across Blaine’s chest as the other boy shivered under him.

“No,” Blaine growled gripping at Kurt’s sides and pulling him on top of him kissing hungrily at his lips. Blaine traveled a hand lower on Kurt’s back until he stroked the fabric on the waistband of the other boy’s trousers.

Kurt grunted against Blaine’s lips and pulled away studying Blaine’s dazed look on his face, “Okay, maybe this is the right time,” he giggled returning his lips into Blaine’s and slowly grinded against him as they both let out quick detached breaths.

“So, you guys did ‘it’?” Rachel asked giggling into the hot steam of her coffee taking a quick sip. Kurt shook his head grinning and set the stack of papers on the table and adjusted his glasses.

“No,” he laughed, “just dry humped,” Rachel choked on her coffee and let out a bright laugh as Kurt organized the papers smiling and neatly settled the stack down. He rubbed his thumb along the lip of the coffee cup then lifted it frowning and looking down into the empty cup. “Well, I’m getting a refill, you want anything?” He asked as he stood waving his cup at his side.

“No, I’m good,” she smiled up at him as he nodded and left towards the counter. Rachel’s eyes skimmed the table until they landed on the stack of papers neatly tucked together. She glanced quickly up at Kurt who waited patiently in the long line to the counter bobbing his head with the music in the background, and then looked back at the stack of papers. She reached across the table gripping the bundle and pulled them in front of her rubbing a hand over the cover.

“Something to See,” she hummed to herself and flipped through the pages passing where Kurt finished reading from, “Oh, God,” she widened her eyes as she read off of the page:

‘he slammed into the wall weakly taking the blows of punches that sharply pounded into his heaving chest as-’

“Rachel?” Kurt said as the girl gasped looking up at him and clutching tightly to the papers. “Don’t spoil the ending for yourself,” he said setting his heavy coffee cup on the table and pulled the stack of papers from her hands.

Rachel bit her lip in embarrassment then held the heated coffee cup dropping her head as Kurt sat across from her and turned back a few pages, “Sorry, Kurt, I just-,”

“You’re fine,” Kurt smiled taking a quick sip of his coffee before skimming the pages and pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, “Where were we?” he mumbled tapping a finger on the page, “Oh yeah”.

Sam dropped his head walking down the deserted hallway with Blaine at his side holding onto his arm. Blaine couldn’t stop thinking of Kurt after the other day, the way the other boy made him feel completely took over him. He had to stifle his obvious giggles in the middle of class whenever he thought if it. He realized he had it bad when he pouted all throughout practice because Kurt had stupid writer’s club during it that his English teacher forced him to do. Blaine was confused as well; he could never have pegged Kurt to be a writer. He was so used to Kurt going on and on about his dreams of becoming a Broadway star. He would make Blaine listen to his latest solo piece he was working on then of course get distracted and turn the evening into a heavy make out session. Blaine smiled at thought and squeezed Sam’s arm as Sam wiggled it playfully and continued down the hall and turned around the corner.

Blaine heard extra footsteps chasing behind him and felt Sam’s arm slip out of his. “What the hell, Karofsky?” Sam yelled as Blaine heard him being shoved into the lockers. A great force pulled Blaine by the collar of the shirt and pinned him up into the wall.

Blaine let out frightened whimper and shifted uncomfortably beneath the bulky body, “Who are you?” he snarled wishing terribly that he didn’t have to ask. It made him feel weak and worthless. And even more so as he was pinned against the wall while his best friend was receiving the same punishment that was held by too strong of a body to break from. Blaine could hear Sam’s cracked voice letting out shouts of discouragement as he struggled under the jock that slammed him tighter against the lockers that rattled beneath him.

The other boy let his hot breath touch Blaine’s face as he clucked his tongue and growled in anger, “Jesse St. fucking James”.