6:30 pm

Tonight is the night and I'm slowly getting nervous.

Scratch that. I'm already a freaking bundle of nerves, and I still have one hour to go until John and Mark are picking me up.

Mom helped me pick out my clothes. I think it was more a self-preservation thing than anything else, though, because I kept yelling at her every two minutes asking where this shirt or these pants were until she just appeared in my room with a smirk on her face, told me to sit on the bed and started going through my clothes.

It was actually kind of fun, until we had this huge discussion about my idea of wearing a red bowtie to my black shirt and pants. Mom kept telling me it reminded her of grandpa and that she wasn't sure that it was age-appropriate, and I ended up accusing her of having no fashion sense at all. She just rolled her eyes and said, "I thought I was the girl in the house." I couldn't help but start laughing and we both ended up on the bed, giggling like crazy.

I hadn't seen her like this in a long, long time, so happy and carefree, with that sparkle in her eyes I had missed so much. It reminded me of those long, warm days of summer when Cooper and I were kids and Mom would take us to the park where we'd play silly games and have a picnic and wouldn't leave until the sun set. We'd eventually drive home, sit down on the porch and watch the fireflies while mom would read bedtime stories to us. She'd come up with all those funny voices for the characters in our books, and we'd regularly crack up when she mixed up the voices of the seven dwarfs in Snow White every single time. She'd usually stop reading halfway through because we were all laughing so hard.

Anyway.

Mom and I came up with a rather decent outfit and now I'm sitting here, waiting for what lies ahead of me.

And I'm really on the verge of another nervous breakdown right now.

Because tonight, I'm going out with a guy for the first time in my life, and although it's not exactly a date, it's still a first to remember. I thought it would do me good to just sit down and write, but I'm having a hard time holding the pen right now. My hand is trembling rather badly and my fingers are slick with sweat.

Theoretically, I know there's not much that can go wrong. We're just going to show up together, have a good time with our friends and maybe dance a little until Mark's dad is picking us up again. But still - there's this feeling deep down in my stomach that I can't quite put a finger on. There's excitement and there's anxiety. But there's also something else, something that I can't grasp, which is actually driving me crazy.

I hate this feeling of not knowing, of not being able to control everything, because I really, really like to be in control. I know that I can't plan everything in life because there are just so many unknown factors in the equation that I can't influence, but I still need the security of a plan behind everything I do. And it's slowly dawning on me that what I'm going to do tonight is probably the worst planned thing in my entire life.

First of all, how am I supposed to act around John? I have never thought about that before because I have been too occupied with everything else that was going on. Should we hold hands when we go inside, even though we're just friends? Maybe we should, just to make a point. But wouldn't that be totally weird? I'm not going to put up a show just to stir the pot. What if he expects me to do just that, though? Oh god, we should have talked this through. But we still have time for that when he picks me up.

Also, there's another thing. We're not dating, but we're going to a dance together, which will lead to people thinking that we actually are dating. They will think that John is dating someone who's underage. I've never thought about the problems that might arise from that. I wonder if he has. Do his parents know? What if someone reports him to the police and they start an investigation? Even if it leads nowhere, something like this clings to you. It might even endanger his future career because he's going to teacher college in the fall. Something else we'll have to talk about before we go in there.

And then, what will happen after the dance? We might be safe during the event, with chaperones all over the place and too many people everywhere to allow any kind of attack, but what about the next days and weeks and months? Because this has never happened before. This school has never witnessed two guys going to a dance together. How are they going to take it in the long run?

Which takes me to the next question. How am I going to deal with it on my own? Because that's what I'm going to be with John graduating in a few weeks. Fuck. Why haven't I thought about this before?

Why the hell haven't I thought about all of this before? I'm always thinking, all the time, almost too much, but when it comes to the one thing that's really something I should think about, I fail miserably. I have thought about it a lot, yes, but I just haven't thought this through. And I have the feeling that I'll terribly regret it.

And now I'm rambling, but that's what I do when I start panicking.

Crap. I think I'm on the verge of backing out.

I'll go for a walk.

7:15 pm

I'm back. And I found my song, the one song that is strong enough to carry me through all this: Blackbird by The Beatles. It was playing on the radio when I passed the kitchen on my way out 20 minutes ago. I had never heard it before, but it struck me immediately that this was it:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Spread your broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take those sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,
Into the light of the dark black night

I did some research and apparently, McCartney wrote it in response to the Civil Rights movement, but it's so much more universal, and it's just what I need right now, in this very moment.

It's about patience and never losing hope, about pride and - most of all - about finding courage. Finding courage to grow and learn, to do what has to be done, to be who you are, and to boldly go wherever you want to go when the moment arises. No fear, no surrender.

When I listen to it, I think about the person I want to be. It's calling me out, confronting me, challenging me to do what I want to do and go where I want to go.

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Tonight will be one of these moments.

Tonight, I'll be who I am and do what has to be done, no matter what the consequences might be, because this is not about me anymore.

It's about all of those who are out and proud, about those who are out, but not quite there yet, and most of all about those in the closet who are still trying to find the courage they need to finally embrace who they are. It's about showing them that they don't have to hide.

Tonight I'll be pushing boundaries.

And this is only the beginning.