I didn't go to school today.

Mom came into my room around 7 am to wake me up - unnecessarily, for I hadn't gone back to sleep after I had woken up around 2 am.

She looked at me just once and she knew.

At first, I didn't really know what to say to her. She sat down on the bed next to me, locked eyes with me and all I could do was start crying. Again. I honestly don't know how many tears one can shed. You'd think your body would run dry sooner or later, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

She made me talk to her eventually and I told her everything. Almost. I couldn't muster the courage to tell her what they had written on my butt cheeks.

She told me to stay home today and went downstairs to prepare breakfast.

At that point, I was starving, but I just couldn't put the energy together to get up, let alone go downstairs and join my parents for breakfast. So I just stayed in bed, still wearing last night's clothes.

Mom came back about half an hour later and brought me a cup of coffee and a croissant.

Dad had already left for work by then. I don't know if she told him what had happened, but he obviously didn't feel the urge to talk to me. He actually hasn't talked to me at all since I came out. The closest we got to talking was the moment when he patted my shoulder on Saturday. But honestly, I don't really care right now. I have other things to deal with, and I don't want to think about him.

It took me about three more hours until I finally made it out of bed and to the bathroom. I think I took the longest shower of my life. I spent the first half hour trying to scrub the letters off my butt. I scrubbed so hard that my skin was deep red, but they just didn't come off. They must have used permanent marker. At one point, I just screamed in frustration and punched the walls of the shower so hard I thought I had broken several bones in my right hand. The water went cold, but I didn't even notice. I sat down in a corner of the shower and weeped again until I was shivering and couldn't take it anymore.

I somehow managed to get out of the shower and put on a t-shirt and my pajama pants.

When I went back to my bedroom, mom was waiting for me. I must have looked like the incarnation of death at that point, because she immediately enveloped me in a tight embrace. We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity again until she pulled away reluctantly, slowly moved me back to the bed and tucked me in.

I think I fell asleep almost immediately.

Only to wake up again about half an hour later, screaming and sobbing because the nightmare had taken me back to the events of last night.
I just want to forget. I want to drift off into a peaceful slumber. It actually doesn't even have to be peaceful. I'd be perfectly content with a dreamless sleep, just something, anything that would allow me to retreat from reality for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?

It seems as if my brain refuses to let me rest.

So I'm sitting here and writing instead.

Does it even make any sense what I'm writing? I don't know. But I just can't stop. Maybe it'll bring some relief to write everything down.

I'd rather sing it out though.

I NEED to sing it out.

I just don't know if there's a song strong enough to carry me through this.