I have never felt anything like this before. When I look at him, my knees go weak, and yesterday after the basketball game against McKinley High School, I ran into him on my way out - literally. I stumbled over my own feet and tackled him. He managed to hold on to a locker while I landed on the floor right in front of him. Oh God. I really wanted to talk to him, but I was unable to form a single coherent sentence. So I stood up, mumbled an apology and ran away.This guy probably thinks I'm either dumb or some weird nerd with a serious OCD.

Why does he have to look so handsome in his cheerleading uniform? These pants. Oh god, these pants... I actually had to run out of the gym during the game because I felt certain things developing in my pants when the cheerleaders performed during the first break.

Also, I'm pretty sure my friends are slowly getting suspicious. I can't blame them. I've been acting so strange lately that I'm actually surprised they haven't dumped me already. My childhood friend Jenn, who has known me for ages, called yesterday and asked if I didn't like her anymore because I had been so distant lately. And she's right. I haven't joined my old friends a lot during these past weeks. It's not that I don't like them anymore, it's just that I don't want to go out and have fun, and pretend everything's oh-so-great.

Because that's a lie. NOTHING is great. I am gay. And nobody, NOBODY knows, not even my parents, because I'm such a damn coward. I can hardly look at myself. How am I supposed to muster the courage to tell anybody else about it?