Monday 5th November 2012

Dearest Blaine,

here we are again. I'm sat at my desk and if I'm being honest, I'm lost for words. Rachel insisted staying in with me tonight, but I'd rather be left alone. Even now she's staring at me whilst I write, as if I'm some sort of mental patient. She's becoming more and more concerned for me as the days goes by. Well, so is everyone. I can feel it, you know. Everyone's judging eyes, staring at me like I'm going mad. I've noticed, but I pretend not to. Whenever I catch them staring they turn away, as if I'd just been imagining it. But I've come to realise that maybe they're right. Maybe I am going mad. But it's not like I'm going to recover anytime soon, is it? Not that I really want to...

Can I tell you a secret? I had a dream the other night, about us, and we were back in the Warblers. I miss that, so much. I was starting to think that I had made it all up in my head, you, The Warblers and especially the 'Gap Attack'. So I needed a daily reminder (aside from these letters). I didn't really think about it until I did it. And you're not going to believe it.

I got a Canary.

And yes, before you ask, his name is Pavarotti. I couldn't have named him anything else. I have to say, he's beautiful. No matter what Rachel says. She was all for me getting a pet but when I came home with him she'd told me to take him back. I can understand why but judging by the fact that he's singing in his cage next to me, you can see who won that fight.

I've done it again haven't I? I've started telling my feelings to you and then completely changed the subject. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I just haven't been able to tell anyone how I feel for a long time. The only time I ever let it out is in these letters, and they're probably the most painful way to do it. It's as if I'm writing these letters as if I'm going to one day get a reply.

I think that I've just admitted that I'm not getting a reply...

Oh god. What am I doing? Of course you're okay! Of course you're going to reply! And of course, you're not dead! You can't be! I don't believe it! No matter what that letter said! Because that isn't what it said, is it? It didn't say you were shot or murdered or that you committed suicide. It said you were lost. And lost does not mean that you won't reply. It means that you're having trouble finding me.

It means that there's still hope. As there has been for three months...

I need to stop now. Somehow, Blaine, I've made myself cry again. And I need to stop before Rachel threatens to call my dad again.

Just remember, Blaine. I love you until the ends of the Earth. And I will find you and I will see you again. I won't ever give up. Somehow, I'm going to find you.

I love you,

Forever and always,

Kurt xxx