Chapter Eight

As Kurt stared at the building before him, the one that, in a way, represented a sort of hell from his youth, he started having second thoughts. It was a ridiculous idea, really. He had no idea why he had even considered it.

But then again, if it worked, maybe this was just another step in the right direction for him. He took a deep breath, pocketing his car keys and making his way into his old high school.

Overall, he had to admit it looked fairly the same. A bit cleaner, he had to admit, and he could see that most of the lockers, and desks, and chairs had all been replaced with upgraded, better versions, as well as each room’s technology. He had to admit that, at least from an aesthetic standpoint, there seemed to have been a lot of improvements made. He was walking toward the athletic wing when a plaque near the front office caught his attention and made him stop.

Eying the name on the plate, he tilted his head slightly, before entering the office and stepping toward the young woman behind the desk. She looked up as Kurt approached.

“Hi,” he said a little breathlessly. “I’m... I’m here to talk to... the principal?”

“Name?” the woman asked him dutifully, but just as Kurt made to respond, the door to the office opened, and they both turned to the figure in the doorway.

“Porcelain,” Sue Sylvester said in acknowledgment. She turned her attention to the woman behind the desk. “Cancel my call with the mayor,” she ordered.

The woman very nearly looked offended. “But it’s such an important—”

“If it’s important, then he’ll call back,” Sue said plainly. “This is another important meeting I’ve been waiting for a bit longer.” The other woman ducked her head and nodded, picking up the telephone receiver. Sue looked at Kurt again, nodding her head toward her office, and Kurt followed quickly. She took a seat behind the desk in a large, comfortable-looking chair, and Kurt sat opposite her.

Sue leaned back in her chair, resting her elbows on the armrests and folding her hands together. “Well, Porcelain,” she said. “I have to say, it’s good to see you. I must admit that the student body’s current collection of misfits is nowhere near as entertaining as those in your day, and those with at least questionable sexual orientation... well, let’s just say that none of them hit the same soft spot that you did.”

“Thanks,” Kurt said, furrowing his brow slightly at Sue’s strange compliment. “I thought you said you couldn’t make as much of a difference in the halls by being principal,” he commented vaguely.

“That’s what I thought,” Sue said. “That’s why I made changes to exactly what I could do as principal.”

“And the school board?” Kurt questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, when I promised to make a considerable donation to the school, using the excess money from the Cheerios that I had funneled away over the years, I think they were happy to agree,” Sue said with a slight shrug and tilt of the head. Kurt nodded, finding it hard to argue with what definitely looked like good results. “So what brings you here, Porcelain?” she asked.

Kurt smiled soberly. “I suppose I always assumed you’d keep tabs on the original New Directions,” he commented off-handedly.

“That I do,” she confirmed inclining her head, “but I’ve found that generally people take offense when I make correct assumptions, for whatever reason. They seem to just prefer explaining themselves. But if that isn’t the case with you, which I’m starting to believe it isn’t, then I’d be happy to say what I know: your partner passed several months ago and you’re finally trying to get back on track.”

“Husband,” Kurt said quietly, and Sue raised her eyebrows. “We’re... we were married legally.”

Sue nodded slowly. “So that somehow brings us here,” she commented plainly, and Kurt nodded.

“I figure we’re the same in a lot of ways,” Kurt said softly. “Well, maybe not a lot of ways, but...” He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “We react differently to certain... aspects... of death. The physical reminders mean a lot to me, and I remember when your sister passed, you didn’t want to keep any of it.” He paused licking his lips, noting that Sue was staring at him intently. “But I know that you never wanted someone to hold your hand and tell you everything’s going to be okay, or treat you like an invalid just because you’re grieving. That’s something I definitely relate to, and I just... I need someone in my life who understands that.”

Sue leaned forward in her chair, folding her arms onto her desk. “What can I do for you?” she asked.

“As stupid as it sounds, I just need someone to talk to,” he said, his brow knit. “I mean, as much as my friends and family try to help, it just...”

“It doesn’t,” she concluded for him, nodding, leaning back in her seat again.

He nodded. “And I’m trying so hard to cope with everything,” he said. “I’ve gotten a new job, enrolled Aiden in preschool, signed up for group counseling... I just feel like I need something else. Someone who actually understands what I feel, and not just what I’m going through.”

Sue nodded again, sliding on her glasses and flipping through a book on her desk. “So tell me, Porcelain,” she said, picking up a pen, “when is it that you want to start these little meetings?”

“You’re serious?” Rachel asked uncertainly, looking at him with raised eyebrows, sitting beside him in his bed.

Kurt nodded. “Principal,” he sighed. “And for good, this time.”

Rachel shook her head. “I never would have pictured it,” she said. “Actually... you know, I kind of can.”

“Precisely my thoughts,” Kurt told her. “I don’t know, I know it’s really far off, but... it sort of gives me hope that maybe Aiden can go there, and I won’t have to look into private schools for him, just to ensure that he’s safe.”

Rachel nodded. She paused heavily. “There’s something I have to tell you, by the way,” she said slowly. “Finn and I are getting married.”

“Rachel, honey, you told me that eleven years ago. And again almost seven years ago,” Kurt said with a small eye roll.

“No,” she responded quickly. “I mean, we... we’re setting a date.”

Kurt stared at her blankly. “Oh my god, you’re pregnant,” he muttered breathlessly, and Rachel looked even more alarmed.

“What?” she asked, scandalized. “No!” she told him quickly. “I can promise you that I’m not. Finn just... well, he said it had to do with you, actually.”

“With... me?”

“Yeah,” Rachel nodded. “He said that not long after you moved back, you told him something about how he could have the person he loved. I guess it really got to him.” Kurt looked at his hands, and he heard Rachel draw in a deep breath. “He also said that that was when you first went to see Blaine.”

“I don’t like this transition,” Kurt mumbled.

“Blaine called me,” she continued pointedly. “He said you won’t talk to him now.”

“I assume he told you why?” Kurt asked, his voice feeling uncomfortably tight.

“Actually, no,” Rachel confessed. “He wouldn’t tell me, and I’m sure you won’t have any problem believing that I asked.” She paused slightly. “Repeatedly.” Kurt smiled to himself. “We’re best friends, Kurt,” she continued, moving slightly so that he was forced to look at her again. “Please tell me what’s going on.”

Kurt sighed exasperatedly. “I just can’t talk to him right now,” he said, hardly audibly.

“Why not?” she pressed on.

“I... I kissed him,” he said. “It was stupid. I shouldn’t have done it.”

“You’re saying it like I don’t understand what that’s like,” Rachel said, and Kurt chuckled despite himself. “Jesse, Puck, Blaine... Jesse again... And don’t try to tell me ‘it’s different’,” she told him. “I know that it is.” Kurt merely hummed in response. “But why would that cause you to cut him out of your life?”

“I’m trying to get better,” Kurt told her. “I don’t need or want another complication in my life.”

“And Blaine’s just ‘another complication’ to you?” she asked. “Please, Kurt, we both know better than that. In high school, you were still his best friend no matter how many stupid things he did. Now he’s trying to return the favor and be the friend that you need.”

“I don’t need any more friends,” Kurt told her. “I’ve got you and Mercedes, and of course Finn...”

Rachel shook her head. “Kurt, you need all of the friends you can get,” she said. “And that’s not at all offensive, so stop looking like I said something bad. You suffered a major loss in your life. You need everyone who’s willing to support you.” Kurt grumbled something under his breath, but Rachel smiled victoriously. “Will you talk to him?” she asked. “Please?”

Kurt sighed exasperatedly. “Fine,” he said. “I will. But later, all right? We haven’t had a single sleepover in months and I’m really looking forward to some quality time with the one and only Rachel Berry.”

Kurt picked up his cell phone, glaring at it, as though it was the one that had convinced him to make amends with Blaine. But it wasn’t, it was Rachel. Kurt narrowed his eyes at his phone, just thinking of her name.

She was right, of course, but he’d never tell her that. Not out loud.

He briefly wondered if he could get away with sending the other man a text message. He quickly wrote off the idea, however. He knew it was a matter he’d have to actually talk about and explain and that meant dialing his number and damn, had he even used his phone like that in the past five months?

Rachel. He’d called Rachel.

But other than that? Not since he’d called his dad and Carole.

He shook his head slightly, quickly flicking through his contacts, finding Blaine’s name and selecting it. He took a deep breath and pressed the phone to his ear. He counted the rings he heard, wondering for a split second if Blaine would answer.

Maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he wouldn’t have to do this.

He heard the ringing cut off, and there was a heavy pause. Kurt took his bottom lip between his teeth. Maybe Blaine was just going to hang up on him...

“Kurt?” Blaine asked hesitantly.

“Hey,” Kurt responded softly, and they were quiet for a few moments. He took a deep breath, and started, “I just wanted to—” , though he cut off when he heard Blaine say, “Kurt, I’m so—”

Silence again, and Kurt chuckled softly. “You can go first,” he offered.

Blaine sighed heavily. “I’m so sorry, Kurt,” he said. “I guess... I don’t know, I was pushing or something, and I’m just—”

“Blaine, stop,” Kurt said quickly. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong. God, you haven’t done anything wrong in a long time.”

“But—”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said firmly. “I just... god, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Blaine, and for someone who’s always acted like they have everything under control, it’s been really hard. I just... I don’t think I know much of anything anymore. I guess... I guess I just didn’t know how to deal with one more thing that I had no clue about. I wanted to see if I could fix myself and then maybe see if... I don’t know, see if you were still there, see what happened then.”

Blaine was quiet for a long while, and Kurt felt his heart pounding slightly as he waited for an answer. “You don’t have to fix it all by yourself, Kurt,” he finally said.

“I want to,” he admitted softly in return. “I want to just get better and that be it.”

“It’s never that simple.”

Kurt sighed. “I know.”

Blaine paused again before responding. “I want to be there for you, Kurt,” he said at last, with a sigh. “I’d be lying if I told you there wasn’t some sort of... feeling, there but what you need to understand is that I don’t want anything from you, Kurt. Maybe in some time, when things are different, something with you will be possible. But that’s not now, and right now there’s nothing that you need to know about. I just... I want to be there. I want to help, if you’ll let me.”

“Blaine...”

“I miss being friends, Kurt,” he cut across. “You were a big part of my life for a long time, and I miss having you there. I miss you.”

“I want you to be there. I do,” Kurt conceded. “And... I miss you, too.”