Chapter Six

Kurt felt his bangs being brushed out of his eyes. He smiled groggily, leaning into the touch.

For a split second, he remembered, and he wanted more than anything for his bed to swallow him whole. He moved away from the hand touching him, into the pillows, and the scent filled his nostrils, stopping his heart.

The spicy smell of cologne. Cinnamon. Freshly cut grass.

Alex. It smelled like Alex.

He turned slightly, almost afraid to open his eyes, but he cracked them open ever-so-slightly. The hand returned to his face, gently stroking his cheek, the man grinning fondly down at him. Alex raised an eyebrow, laughing softly at the expression of confusion on Kurt’s face. He leaned down, running his thumb along Kurt’s cheek bone, pressing a kiss to the top of his forehead.

He pulled back, looking at Kurt now with more concern than amusement. He tilted his head, frowning slightly. Kurt pushed himself up on one arm, staring at Alex uncertainly. Hesitantly, he reached out. He ran his hand up Alex’s arm, resting for a brief moment at the curve where his shoulder met his neck. He could feel his warm skin, feel his locks of black hair, soft between his fingers.

He was there. Alex was there.

Kurt continued to move his hand up ever so slightly, cupping Alex’s cheek. He could feel the slight roughness of stubble beneath his palm. He needed to shave, but god, Kurt didn’t care. He pulled Alex’s face closer to his, placing his other hand on the other side of his face. With only the slightest pause, Kurt closed the space between them and let their lips meet.

Alex’s lips tasted like caramel, the slight bite of cinnamon gum once he pulled away.

He didn’t open his eyes, but simply let the feelings wash over him. He laughed slightly, though he could feel the tears running down his cheeks. Alex quickly kissed them away.

“I missed you so much,” Kurt breathed out, his voice cracking slightly. He opened his eyes, furrowing his brow when he noticed that Alex was moving his lips in response, but he didn’t hear a sound.

Kurt leaned closer to Alex, but still nothing. The floating feeling that had filled him was quickly disappearing. And then, it struck him how wrong it all was.

Kurt’s mind was suddenly jarred awake, his head pounding.

A dream. It had only been a dream, he told himself, and he felt his breath catch slightly, the awareness sinking in that it had been a fine dream, a wonderful dream, even. Yet it was that that seemed to make it hurt so much worse.

He buried his face in his pillow, trying to will away his headache, taking in a deep breath through the pillowcase. Only then he realized that he recognized the smell; it wasn’t the same scent of lavender he’d grown used to during his stay in the Hudson-Hummel household, as that was the detergent that he knew Carole always bought because she was so fond of. Instead, it smelled faintly of fabric softener, with the smallest hint of coffee and chocolate.

Blaine.

He rolled over, glancing at the young man in bed beside him. He took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes.

He could remember the party. He remembered Blaine offering him a place to stay, and hesitantly accepting. He remembered Blaine giving him an extra t-shirt and pair of sweatpants to sleep in.

“Take the bed,” he had told Kurt. “I can sleep on the couch, or in Ella’s room.”

Kurt frowned at him. “I’m not taking your bed.” Blaine raised his eyebrows at him, and Kurt sighed. “Fine, we can share your bed.”

Blaine licked his lips, taking a long pause. “Are you... sure about that? I mean...”

Kurt waved his hand dismissively. “Obviously you won’t let me sleep anywhere else, and I refuse to take your bed from you...” he sighed again, then shrugged. “It’ll be like after Rachel’s stupid party in high school. Honestly, it’s not a big deal.”

Biting his lip slightly and opening his eyes, Kurt pulled off the blankets, doing his best not to disturb the other man. However Blaine didn’t stir, and Kurt quickly made his way out of the bedroom and down the stairs, into the kitchen. He instantly began working on a pot of coffee, not leaving the room as he heard the machine working. Instead, he stared out the window at the snow, numbly replaying his dream again and again in his head.

At last he helped himself to a cup of the coffee, still thinking of his dream. He wondered what Alex was trying to say. He tried to imagine it.

He frowned slightly, glaring out the window, and tried a little harder to imagine, bt while the words were coming easily to him, it was as if they were manifesting themselves in black text on white paper, neatly typed out for him to read. He stared intently at the tree in front of the building across the street, forcing his mind to work harder at fixing the scenario from his dream.

However, with each passing moment, Kurt was beginning to come to a realization. He felt the prickling behind his eyes indicating oncoming tears.

“Kurt?” Blaine’s voice was hesitant, and Kurt couldn’t bring himself to look at the other man. Instead, he stared into his coffee cup, swallowing hard, trying to regain power over his voice, trying not to choke on his tears. “Hey,” Blaine continued softly, placing a hesitant hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t remember his voice,” he breathed out at last, turning to Blaine. He looked at Kurt sadly, taking the coffee from the latter’s hands and placing it on the counter beside him. He gently pulled Kurt into his arms. Kurt shook slightly as he spoke again. “It’s only been four months and I just... I can’t remember his voice.”

Blaine pulled back slightly to wipe away Kurt’s tears with his thumb. Kurt glanced at the other man’s face, and could see the pain and concern in his eyes.

It felt like Kurt’s brain had stopped working. It felt like he wasn’t him anymore, like he was watching himself or like he was just completely and utterly removed. Nothing made sense, and it was just too much. It was all too much. All he could see was Blaine’s hazel eyes, and though it was different, though it wasn’t quite what he was looking for, he remembered something. Something that seemed so much further away, and yet, there it was...

Kurt leaned in, kissing Blaine softly. He felt Blaine pause for a moment before returning the kiss, his lips soft and gentle and so different from what he’d grown accustomed to with Alex. But this wasn’t Alex. This was Blaine, the man who was too good with him and too patient and too forgiving, who tasted like coffee and vanilla mint.

Kurt pulled away slightly as he became more aware of what exactly was happening, though he immediately missed the feel of Blaine’s lips on his. He moved forward again, desperately, just wanting to feel something, anything.

“Kurt, stop,” Blaine told him, hardly audible, and for a moment, Kurt didn’t actually think that Blaine had said it. But his eyes fluttered open, and there was the other man, shaking his head slightly, his eyes looking even more pain-filled than they had before. “Not now,” Blaine pressed on, and Kurt only continued to stare at him, a little blankly. Blaine sighed heavily. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to. I do, so badly, but... not now. Not like this.”

Kurt pulled away completely from him, feeling the heat in his cheeks rise. He felt stupid, felt embarrassed, felt ashamed. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to even look at Blaine. “I should go,” he breathed out.

“Kurt...” Blaine tried desperately, but Kurt shook his head.

“No,” he said, looking at him at last. “I know. You’re so right. I’m sorry.I don’t know what came over me.” Blaine reached out to him tentatively, but Kurt avoided the touch, walking past the other man. “I’m sorry, Blaine.”

“You don’t have to go,” he told Kurt in a small voice, but again the man shook his head.

“I do,” he said, taking in a deep breath. “I’ve been sitting back for too long. I’ve taken enough time and... well, I need to get my life back in order.”

Blaine nodded slowly, looking at Kurt with a sort of resignation. “So what does that mean?”

Kurt shrugged slightly. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just have to do whatever it takes.” He forced a smile. “Thank you for everything, and again, I’m sorry. Maybe when I’ve sorted things out, I’ll... maybe then I’ll be able to see you again.”

He turned to leave, ignoring the “Kurt, wait—” from Blaine. Instead, he grabbed his things and made his way out of the house as quickly as possible, desperate for everything to change.