Chapter Twenty-Three

By April, Kurt found himself planning Rachel's baby shower.

"I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do," Finn had told him exasperatedly. "I don't even know if I'm supposed to go to it. Is that wrong? For the dad to go? Is that like the guy going to the bachelorette party or something?"

Kurt had sighed, rolling his eyes. "We'll just make it a New Directions affair," he had told him simply. "That'll be a fine solution."

Kurt honestly didn't know what he was supposed to do in planning, either. Weddings were one thing, but baby showers? He hadn't exactly been too any in New York, and he'd missed Tina's when he'd just returned to Ohio. He'd done some research online, but had been rather turned off by some of the ideas for games and the like (guessing the size of the mother-to-be's tummy just sounded like an invitation for violence if someone named a number too large, and pinning the sperm on the egg seemed just so tasteless and tacky that honestly, Kurt couldn't believe it was actually 'a thing').

Instead, he decided to just keep it simple. Besides, his friends were known to keep themselves entertained. He didn't need to plan too much.

He found himself immensely pleased, however, when the shower turned out rather successful. He had to admit, he was even a little surprised.

Rachel was absolutely thrilled with the gifts she'd be given for the baby, all the different odds and ends that she didn't even think about needing until she'd received them, and Kurt felt rather proud of his friends for what they had done. And he always couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction when his friends were so loving and supportive of each other, no matter how much they complained and fought and yelled in high school.

Even the children were having fun, Mikey and Ella and Aiden off playing in the backyard, Mike holding their younger daughter in his arms as Blaine and Puck cooed at her, making faces and winning a few tiny giggles.

"Maylin has gotten so big!" Rachel said, grinning at Tina.

The other woman laughed. "She's a whole mess of trouble, too," she said, shaking her head slightly. "We can't leave her alone for a second. But she's definitely a daddy's girl, because the way her face just lights up with Mike..."

Kurt hummed in response. "I was definitely my mother's child," he said with a smile. "My father never fails to remind me of that."

"Mikey is the same way with me," Tina told him. "But I can assure you that in a few years, he won't want anything to do with me or Mike..."

"Every kid does it," Kurt said with a shrug.

There was a pause as they glanced at each other. "God, listen to us," Tina said, laughing again. "We sound just like our parents."

"What happened?" Kurt asked, chuckling. "I always promised I'd never sound like this."

"Please," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. "You've heard the things I've been saying, and he isn't even born yet!"

"Have you and Finn figured out a name?" Tina asked, and Kurt smiled.

"Ohh, yes!" he exclaimed. "Do tell, if you have!"

Rachel's smile faltered after a moment. "Actually... I wanted to talk to you about that," she said slowly, and Kurt raised eyebrow at her. She glanced at Tina fleetingly, who nodded, walking off toward Mike and the others, only confusing Kurt further as he took a seat. Rachel sighed, reaching across the table to take the man's hand in hers. "When Finn and I found out that it was going to be a boy, I think we pretty much immediately knew what we wanted to name him. But... but I just wanted to run it by you first."

"What are you talking about?" he asked her slowly.

She took in a deep breath. "We want to name him after Alex." Kurt stared at her blankly. "We just—we thought it would be such a great way to honor him and his memory. We both just knew that it was what we wanted to do. But it wouldn't be right to not ask you, and I needed to make sure that you would be all right with it. I don't... I don't want to make you uncomfortable about it." She watched him warily. "Kurt? Please say something."

He swallowed thickly. "What do you want me to say?" he asked in a tight voice.

"Are you all right with the idea?" she asked hesitantly. "It's all right if you aren't. That's... that's why I wanted to ask first."

Kurt averted his eyes, directing them instead to the tabletop. His gaze unfocused, his mind racing, he briefly wondered what he could possibly say to Rachel at that moment. Licking his lips, he looked back up at Rachel. "Can I... get back to you on that?"

Kurt traced shapes on the countertop with his forefinger, his other hand wrapped around the warm mug of coffee. His head was aching, his eyes stinging from tiredness, but he couldn't bring himself to go back to bed.

"Kurt?" He glanced up as Blaine walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He yawned, stretching his arms so that t-shirt rode up, exposing a few inches of his stomach. "It's not even five o'clock. What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," Kurt murmured, and Blaine hummed, sitting down beside Kurt.

"I figured, when I woke up and you weren't there," he said. "And then didn't come back for about twenty minutes."

"I'm sorry," Kurt sighed. "I didn't mean to keep you up." He offered Blaine a weak smile. "Why don't you go back to bed, and I'll be up in a minute?"

"Or," Blaine offered, "you could tell me what's bothering you." He pointed at the mug Kurt was holding. "That's coffee. You're not going back to sleep."

"Caught red-handed," Kurt mumbled, and Blaine smiled sleepily.

"I know something's up," he went on. "You've been a little off ever since the baby shower."

Kurt took a deep breath. "Well, I guess I can't hide anything from you, can I?" he asked, swirling the coffee in his mug a few times, then pressing the porcelain to his lips and taking a long drink. "They decided on a name for the baby," he told him, hoping that it sounded like an off-handed comment.

"Oh?" Blaine asked. "What did they decide on?"

Kurt licked his lips, staring down at the liquid in his cup. He glanced back up at Blaine. "Alex," he said tightly. "They want to name him Alex."

"Oh," Blaine said lamely.

Kurt nodded. "Oh."

"And what do you think of it?" Blaine asked, covering Kurt's hands in his. "And be honest. I really want to know exactly what's going on in your head right now."

Kurt sighed. "I don't know," he said slowly. "It's such a lovely thought," he admitted. "I mean, I love Rachel for wanting to 'honor' Alex that way. But I just... I don't know." He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle seeing my godson when he carries that memory of Alex. By no means do I want to forget Alex, but I'm not sure if that constant, blatant reminder is something that I want, either." He looked at Blaine apologetically. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Blaine asked, utterly bewildered.

"Because I'm sitting here talking to my boyfriend about my ex-husband," Kurt said, grimacing. "I hardly feel as though that's proper etiquette."

Blaine's hands tightened around Kurt's. "Okay, no," he told him forcefully. "Just no." He sighed. "First off, Alex is not your ex-husband. You're a widower, not a divorcee. He's your late husband." He looked at Kurt pointedly, and the brunette nodded. "And as for me, you hardly need to worry. I know very well just how we got where we are. I know where I stand. And I don't mean like that," he quickly amended at the look on Kurt's face. "All I mean is that... well, it's not like I go around every day pretending that Alex never existed or something like that. I know that you married him and you adopted a son together and you loved—hell, that you love him. And there isn't anything wrong with that." He smiled softly. "If I love you as much as I say that I do, I will be supportive of you and listen to whatever you say. And I do love you that much, so I'm going to do just that."

Kurt gave him a small grin. "Thank you," he said.

Blaine pulled one of Kurt's hands up, kissing his knuckles. "Now, you were saying that you weren't sure about how to feel?" he pressed on, and Kurt nodded. "You're allowed to tell Rachel no."

Kurt licked his lips. "I don't think I can," he said. "I mean, even if I really didn't want them to... it wouldn't be right for me to say that. Even if I felt some... discomfort or whatever, it just wouldn't seem right." Blaine nodded, and Kurt sighed heavily. "I suppose I just wish it wasn't something I even had to think about, I guess."

"Mmm," Blaine hummed, nodding. "I can understand that."

"I just have this worry that I won't be able to look at him," he said. "That I won't be able to look at the little boy that's going to be the son of my best friend and my step-brother, my own godson. I'm scared that it'll hurt and that my heart will stutter every time someone says his name."

"That's going to happen anyway," Blaine told him. "For a while longer, at least. Sometimes I still feel that way when I hear Coop’s name, or Julia's, or my mother's."

"I still feel that way when I hear my mother's name," Kurt whispered.

"But at the same time," Blaine told him slowly, "maybe it'll be good for you. Maybe you won't have all these scared and hurt and sad feelings when you see Rachel's baby. Maybe instead you'll be able to think of something so wonderful when you hear Alex's name instead of only a sense of loss."

Kurt nodded, taking a shuddering breath. "I think I want that," he said breathlessly. "I do want that." He swallowed, smiling weakly at Blaine as a few tears fell down his cheeks. "I want them to name their baby Alex. It would be perfect. Beautiful. Maybe it will hurt, but... maybe you're right. Maybe it will be just what I need."