Chapter 8:

Blaine touches himself for the first time on a cold November morning. His feet are freezing and the sky is bleak and he wakes feeling more alone than ever. His hand isn't enough, but he does it anyway, because he needs to, needs to feel like a teenage boy again instead of the broken shell of the person he once was. He hates the heartache, hates feeling so hopeless, so alone, so desperate. He comes and it's underwhelming. He sighs, closes his eyes and breathes, before getting out of the bed to shower for school.
When he arrives at Dalton, he's late for his first lesson. He hurries down the halls and down the stairs and he's that close to the classroom when he stills. He is stuck to the spot. He feels something, right there on the staircase and he can't say what, he doesn't know what, but there's something and he is overwhelmed by emotion in an instant. He sits down and he tries to catch his breath, but he can't.

Wes finds him there fifteen minutes later on his way to the bathroom. He doesn't ask what's wrong, he simply frowns and pats his back, then walks him to the matron. Nobody asks what's wrong, it's as if they know and Blaine doesn't understand, but he doesn't ask either. Instead, they call for his mother and she takes him home. She sighs before kissing him on the top of the head and leaving for work.

Blaine debates what to do and decides on nothing. He climbs into bed and sleeps until his mother wakes him later that evening for dinner. He picks at his food, plays with it absently and then goes back to bed feeling empty.

Such are the days without Kurt.

On December 1st, it snows. Blaine opens the drapes, feels the chill in his heart, closes them and climbs back under the covers.
His sleep is a restless one.

On December 2nd, it's still snowing. Today, he leaves the drapes pulled back. He goes downstairs and he makes himself breakfast.

The next day, he goes outside. He builds a snowman, dresses it, gives it a smile. When he wakes in the morning, it's gone and he is hit with just how unbelievably fragile it is. As he gathers up the scarf, the bowtie and the carrot nose, he realises he and the snowman aren't so different. He goes inside and stays there.

Some days are good days, others aren't.

On December 8th, he stays in bed the whole day. The following morning, his parents force him to eat breakfast. His dad asks what's wrong and he can't even begin to explain. He shrugs. His father looks to his mother.

"Is it a boy?" he asks.

His mom butters her toast and says, "No, that's the problem. There is no boy."

Blaine doesn't disagree, because it's entirely true.

Later, when he's walking in the backyard, he notices a set of footprints in the snow. He bends to touch them and they're gone.

Blaine sees Santana again when he stops at the Lima Bean after school. She tells him then that Finn is gone.

You promise you'll always find me?
You promise you'll always find me?
You promise you'll always find me?
promise
promise
promise
find me
findmefindme

The words ring in his mind like a bell tolling over and over until he can't take it any more. He is filled with this intense need, this want, to run around screaming Kurt's name, begging for him to come back. He needs him. Kurt knows he needs him and Blaine doesn't know how to get him back. His mind is torture and he needs to get out. He runs to the backyard and he stands in the snow and he screams. He hears the distant sound of dogs barking and he's breathless, exhausted. His mother comes to the window and merely shakes her head.

Everything he had once thought was perfectly normal is turning out not to be so. He can't get his head around it.

He catches his breath and walks through the woods for a while. He searches, but doesn't find.

The holiday songs and bright lights are almost too much. He loves Christmas, but not this time. He can't explain why he feels what he doesn, because he is desperate over another person. He finds it ridiculous, yet completely sane at the same time. He doesn't know how to make it stop.

He thinks of Kurt everyday and it terrifies him that some day he might forget his face or his voice. He can't lose that.

It's cold outside and his school takes a trip to New York for a weekend. They see sights and they go ice skating. As he walks through the park with his friends he feels his heart breaking. He can't explain it. Trent gives him a smile and tell his it'll be okay, like he knows.

At the skating rink, he feels a short thrill, but it disappears quickly when he remembers he's gone. Blaine can't understand the things he is feeling, but he accepts it, because everything is topsy turvy.

The worst part is not being able to find him, depsite promising he always would. He's tried, but he's not sure he's tried hard enough. He doesn't know what else to do. His friends tell him it'll work out. His mom tells him to smile. His dad tries to take him out. Nothing helps. Everywhere he goes, he's searching. Every minute away from home is spent anxious and wondering if he's come home while he isn't there. The anxiety is almost too much to withstand. He doesn't know anything any more.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take this broken wings and learn to fly,
Oh, all your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

He jars to a halt as he shovels the snow with his father. He swears he can hear it, Kurt's song. It's mystifying, distant, familiar and melancholy.

Blaine runs towards the voice and he calls out his name. His father follows him, calling him back.

"What? His father asks. "What's wrong?"

Everything, he wants to say, but at that moment, he's given hope. His dad fails to hear.
It doesn't matter, he knows it's there.

The colour of the sky is one Blaine can't describe. He resolves that he will stay home today. His parents check on him twice, before they leave for his uncle's house. He says he's fine. Blaine is a good liar now.

Once they're out of the house, he goes downstairs and he sits cross-legged on the couch, just thinking. The thinking is the killer. He thinks and he thinks and he thinks until his head hurts and he needs to scream to release the frustration and want. He recalls every moment they spent together, every word and touch of their bodies. He can't take it any more. His heart is hammering, he can't he can't he can't. He gets to his feet and he walks in a circle and he stops, touches his head, rubs at his eyes and whispoers frantically, the words aren't even words, the're mumbling and alien. He wants to cry or scream or run until he can't any more, but he doesn't have the strength. He wants and needs things to be different, needs it all to stop, to go away, to not be any more. He fidgets and he shakes and his mind somersaults and dives and he doesn't know what he wants, but he knows what he needs and there are so many consequences, so much to leave behind, but he can't, doesn't want to go on. He needs to make it stop, he needs it to stop, stop stopstopstop.

He turns and there is a bang.

The sounds and screams in his mind come to a stop, almost like pausing a song. He listens and hears it again. It's the door. He breathes, considers not opening it, sure it's hismother back to see he's okay (he isn't). Something tells him he needs to go, if only to make her stop worrying. He walks slowly to the door and opens it.

No one's there.

He hears it again.

rap
rap
t-tap
tap...

It's the back door. It's strange, he thinks, for his mother to come to the back door. His breath catches and he's running through the house. He trips, but carries on and when he gets the bolts open and the clasps free and the locks unlocked, he pulls the door open and there, amidst the cold and the snow and the imperfect flakes, is a boy. He has brittle leaves in his hair and his lips are parted and he's as naked as the day he was born. His eyes are still the same colour.

Blaine shakes and breaks from the inside out and then lets out a breath he's been holding for months.