He stiffened as he read through the pages where his story started. He was 13 the first day I wrote in it. There was something special about this page, something abnormal and comforting. It was a small singular drop of blood. The first that he had spilled… purposely. It was the first of many razors of many drops of many scars. He read a little of the passage, how young he was merely filled with the feeling of guilt instead of pleasure he use to remember the crimson liquid would bring. No matter how fleetingly, it always brought pleasure.

There were tear stains for pages on end, about how he wanted to stop, how he wanted to change. Then a there was a year he didn't write anything, it wasn't important, he was 14 and it meant little, especially when he had his cuts and no friends.

The next entry to grab his attention was one about him coming out, and how he had been maiming his beautiful skin more and more, how the scars on his legs and chest to longer to heel, (he never cut his wrists he never wanted to be so clique). He wrote about being scared that they never would, that he would be forever stuck with scares. His hand traced a thin line above his shirt that he knew the deepest one was, the one where he tried to cut out his own heart when Rachel and Finn got together. Such a stupid reason he mumbles now that he looks back at it, Immature and stupid... but necessary. He got over Finn after that. There were more childhood woes and angst he had before his sophomore year, being called fag, being slushyed losing to vocal adrenaline. The summer and being alone, yet again. He smiled at the memory of the long days spent mutating his skin. There always was a erotic feeling to losing blood something that always made his body twitch with excitement.

But then he went to Dalton, and something seemed to change, he didn't need to slice his skin open any more. He had his own way to abuse himself. It was one word.
Blaine

He had quickly fallen in love with the boy, the way his voice changed and the gleam in his eyes brightened whenever he sang. It made Kurt think he was special, that Blaine was sing to him. And because he knew that the boy wasn't it made Kurt's twist in pleasure at the thought.
There were times when would cut just to have an excuse to wear a scarf. (His neck was his knew favorite place to mutilate.) And even Kurt Hummel needed an excuse to wear one in the middle of spring.

But then Blaine kissed Kurt and Kurt got better. He felt happy, he threw away all the unneeded razors all the unneeded thoughts all the insults and for the first time since Kurt heard his mother speak the 'C' word he let himself be happy.

The last entries in the Diary were all about the boy he called his. About how much he loved him, how crazy he made him, how easy it was to forget about his… obsession around the curly haired boy. Then there was the last page, the one that he thought he would never fill, never need a reason too. That was until his and Blaine's fight. It wasn't small, like the one on Valentine 's Day, but it wasn't huge either. It was about that good for nothing boy, that angelic sing voice he dragged all the way from California just to see Blaine again,(and Rachel, but Kurt was ignoring that fact)

It wasn't until Jesse St. James called Blaine 30 minutes before a date with Kurt, to say he was five minutes away from his best friend's house, his best friend being Blaine Anderson. Kurt was fine with Jesse St. James being there and would even understand that the date (Which he had prepared for 3 hours for) had to be canceled. What upset Kurt the most was the fact that Blaine never canceled the date. Kurt sat in 'their' booth at breadsticks for two hours, waiting for his boyfriend to call.

Kurt would have easily forgiven Blaine if he had called the next morning to explain, sure he would have been mad (Anyone would be) but they would be together now, happy and smiling while Jesse was off trying to get Rachel to forgive him for his past mistakes.

But Blaine didn't call, so Kurt (Being Kurt) woke up the next morning tears still shining in his eyes having no idea why his vice and coping mechanize had not called or texted. Got dressed in his normal Saturday outfit, and in fear of Blaine being mad at him he baked cookies that Blaine would do anything for and then he drove over to Blaine's house.

If Blaine had opened up the door and explained why he didn't call or Text or show up last night Kurt would have forgiven him, but Blaine didn't answer the door. His mother did.

His mother (Who liked Kurt and his cookies very much ) told him they were in the kitchen. Kurt, who thought she misspoke as she often did when slightly more than under the influence, nodded his way towards the kitchen.
He would have forgiven Blaine for not answering the door or calling or texting or showing up last night if the boy had run down the stairs with a smile on his face and kiss him like crazy making it all go away. But Blaine didn't so Kurt walked on.

It wasn't until he heard laughing from the kitchen and Blaine's voice shouting. Kurt was confused but he let his feet continue on. That's when he enter the bright kitchen that Mrs. Anderson loved so much to see a taller curly haired boy holding something high above his head as Blaine tried to jump and grab it. With every jump the shorter one, Kurt's boyfriend, moved closer to the taller one (It took a moment for Kurt to recognize the egotistical smile of Jesse St. James).

If Blaine had turned around then Kurt would have forgiven him for not running down the stairs or opening the door or calling or texting or showing up the night before. There would need to be an explanation (as anyone would demand). Because Kurt would actually be happy to see Jesse St. James again because that would mean Rachel would be happy.

But Blaine didn't so Kurt stood as he watched both boys laugh and come closer and closer together. They both had charming smiles on their faces, or at least Jesse did because Blaine's back was now facing Kurt and Jesse was laughing. Blaine was pleading with him.

"Please J-man," he said in the voice Kurt new he used whenever he tried to be adorable. Jesse shook his head and Kurt gulped when he assumed Blaine was leaning against Jesse, no longer jumping and the older boy only had eyes for his boyfriend.

If the younger boy had just felt Kurt walk into the room (Like how Kurt did whenever Blaine arrived) he could have forgiven Blaine for not telling him about Jesse, or running down the stairs or meeting him at the door or calling or texting or Showing up the night before.
But Blaine didn't know, in fact he continued having fun with St. James. J-man was what his boyfriend had called the college boy. "Come one Blaze" St. James chuckled "It's the last cookie" and Kurt's eyes rose up to the thing in the college boy's hands. A chocolate chip cookie. The ones Kurt had made last Saturday for Blaine. "There is no way on this planet am I sharing it with you,"

"If you don't I might have you use desperate measures" his boyfriend warned.

"Bring it on Blaze" St. James said with a cocky smirk
Kurt could imagine Blaine's eyes sparkle in a daring way as everything slowed down as he watched the scene play out. Blaine moved slowly up but not to his tippy toes, it didn't require work to meet the older boy's lips. It was something he couldn't do with Kurt (As Kurt was taller than Jesse). He saw J-man's eyes close and then a part of his face began to move as the hand holding the cookie suddenly sunk lower to where Blaze could read it.

Then it clicked, Blaine was kissing Jesse St. James.
Kurt could forgive Blaine for not showing up on their date, for not texting or calling for an explanation, for not answering the door at his house, for not running down the stairs to greet him. For forgetting to tell him Jesse St. James was in town, and so close to Blaine, for teasing him and having stupid nicknames that Kurt never had with him, for flirting and for being happy.

But there was one thing that killed Kurt, the masochistic part of him and all. Was the feeling his stomach fell out of his chest, for watching Jesse St. James's eyes open and meet with Kurt's and the words that Blaine said as he pulled away. "Surprised J-man?"

Jesse was staring stupidly at Kurt, and it was the few seconds of silence that passed that made Blaine turn around, that made Kurt drop the container of cookies he had baked and looked his boyfriend in his eyes. "It's okay J-man" Kurt spat trying to not let the tears over flow in his eyes, "I made more," It was that last word that made him turn on his heels run out of the house and start his car, before Blaine made it to the porch shouting his name as Kurt drove away.

It was that night that Kurt wrote the suicide note in the last page of his old mother's diary. It was that night that he mutated his skin so badly that he had to wear long sleeves and a scarf just for them to not show. It was that night that Kurt felt desperate, that he beat up his phone that he turned off all music all song all thought.

Kurt looked up at the entrance of The Lima Bean as Blaine entered. His gut rushed with excitement. He was happy when Blaine was around, he knew he shouldn't be. After all it was only a week ago that he and Jesse St. James were kissing over a cookie.

Kurt forced a painful and pitiful smile as Blaine sat down looking at the Medium Drip Kurt had ordered him. Just like every Saturday. There was a few seconds of silence before Blaine spoke. "I" he cleared his throat "I didn't think you would be here" Kurt inhaled, did that mean he didn't want him to be here, that he was waiting for Jesse that he had already moved on. "I hoped you would be" The older boy clarified.

Kurt took a sip of his coffee not speaking. They sat in silence for a few minutes more. The shop was busy and restless, there were a few people Kurt knew from around town whispering in the corner, but he ignored them. Silence seemed to go on forever but both Kurt and Blain knew it was Kurt turn to break it.

"So" he said with a smile "Jesse St. James is back in town?" Blaine looked up startled almost afraid, and unsure what to say.

"Kurt I am so…"

But Kurt cut him off "He was always to cocky for my taste, and too straight, but I guess dating Rachel doesn't mean you're straight as you've done it." It was said in such cold manor that Blaine was scared by it. "And I guess he's my type too, Rachel's sloppy seconds." Blaine wanted to interrupt but he was startled by the sudden slip of the scarf. Blaine stared at the red cut along his boyfriends creamy neck, "You like it?" Kurt whispered to Blaine, "It's what I do when I'm upset" he said smiling now as he boyfriend sat in shock "Blaine," he said softly.

"Kurt" it was a whisper and Blaine met Kurt's eyes. "I'm sorry, I'll do anything"

Kurt cut him off once more. "You get 1 mess up in this relationship because Blaine I can't live through another" It was honest. "I need you to get better, I can't live without you, you're my best friend my first kiss, my first day dream, my first heart break and eventually my first love" He passed the Diary to Blaine. "I need your help" He said as he stood up walked over to Blaine kissed his temple and then his lips lightly and walked out of the coffee shop, leaving his boyfriend with the ratty old book in his hands, a quickly cooling medium drip, and a sinking feeling in his stomach when he finally reached the last page, only to realize that Kurt hadn't dated the note. That everything he wrote in it was still inside him, and it would be tomorrow and the day after that and next week.

Blaine stood up and walked quickly out the door.