Nov. 22, 2014, 6 p.m.
Beginning to See the Light: Unbeknownst
E - Words: 7,557 - Last Updated: Nov 22, 2014 Story: Complete - Chapters: 20/? - Created: Feb 28, 2014 - Updated: Feb 28, 2014 211 0 0 0 0
Betad by: Lory Cleverboots
Best Reaction I received from the last chapter is from mylisa777... I hope you didnt get late for your work.
I seriously have a beta reader now. So guys give LORY CLEVERBOOTS a round of applause... Thank you LORY for editing this fic.
Im sorry for updating late. Time is considered scarce for me now.
SEVENTEEN more clicks for the "FOLLOW" button to finally achieve my goal. CLICK CLICK CLICK!
"Im married!" Kurt exclaimed, startling the person on the other side of the telephone line, while pacing the hallway outside Andres hospital room.
Right after Blaine said that they were still married to each other, Doctor Marley entered the room and told Kurt that he was the only one who could stay with Andre that night. Neither, Cooper, Adam nor Blaine could stay. Even though Blaine struggled and fought with the doctor to let him stay, Dr. Rose wouldnt permit it because Blaine wasnt named as the biological father on Andres birth certificate.
Kurt never wrote his name, he never had the intention of linking Blaine with his baby, so he left that part blank, making Andres birth a mystery to everyone except from his family, Quinn, and of course, Adam.
With the turbulence that Blaine had caused when Dr. Rose tried ushering him outside the hospital, Kurt didnt have the chance to ask Blaine to clarify everything to him. He was still frozen from his position on the floor when Cooper forced Blaine out of the room so Andre could continue his rest, and Kurt didnt even registered that Adam had helped him sit on the couch where they were resting earlier. It wasnt until Adam had given him a kiss goodbye on the forehead and exited the hospital room that he finally digested every word that Blaine had said to him.
Hes a married man...
He had been married to Blaine for five fucking years and he didnt know.
He didnt move a muscle until he remembered to call the person who needed to know the new revelation first. He quickly took his phone from his bag and scrambled outside the room and dialed Quinns number.
"Quinn! Im married!" Kurt shouted again. He heard a ruffle of sheets on the end of the line followed by a long yawn. Kurt would have apologized for waking Quinn at this hour, but his mind is still focused on the part where he is still married to Blaine for five years.
For five years, Kurt had kept the truth of Andres birth from Blaine, while Blaine also had kept a secret of his own. How fucked up their relationship was?!
"Wait! Wha-What?" Quinn spluttered, unsure if she was hearing Kurt correctly. "Youre married?" Quinn asked incredulously.
"Yes, Im married!" he repeated, frustrated with the situation.
"Youre fucking married again? The fuck Kurt! Havent you learned your lesson from your ex-husband? You shouldnt make rush decisions again! I thought you and Adam were-" Quinn never got to finish scolding her friend because Kurt continued his explanation.
"No! No! Quinn, Im married," he clarified, "Ive been a married man for the last five years," he said with quiver in voice as he still couldnt believe what it was happening to his life now.
Kurt gently slumped down on a bench on the hallway, phone still clutched to his ear as he waited for Quinns reply. "Blaine... I... he... were... were still married," Kurt stuttered. He knew he didnt have to clarify that fact to Quinn, he just thought that maybe saying it might trigger his mind to wake up from this nightmare; a horrible nightmare that he never wanted to repeat.
There was a long moment before Quinn was able to respond. Finally, Kurt thought. He really didnt know what to do with his current situation. He just revealed to Blaine that Pickles is alive, and thought that the complexity of their relationship would end from there, but no... Blaine had something up his sleeve, too, and he was using it to make things harder for Kurt; asking him to stay and for what? So they could start destroying each others lives again?
"How?" the only thing that Quinn could do was ask, mind still blown to what could have happened during Kurts short reunion with Blaine. "How are you still married to him?"
Kurt breathed deeply before answering Quinn, caressing one side of his head with his fingers, trying to relax the strained nerves in it. "He... Blaine said that... he said that he never submitted the divorce paper..." Kurt had a hard time saying it, words associated with marriage were quite a taboo to him now.
"Fuck..." Quinn cursed quietly. "Wha-what did you do?" She asked full of concern for her best friend.
"Nothing, Quinn!" Kurt shouted, anger directed at Blaine, but Quinn was the victim to catch all of Kurts emotions. "How was I supposed to react? I just froze there stupidly when he told me that were still married!" Kurt breathed deeply, trying to calm his emotions.
Kurt cant do this again. He cant be tied with Blaine like this again. He refused to enter into this kind of relationship where he knew that it will only break his heart again.
"I just... I just want to get away from him... I dont know what he wanted from me... I dont know why he didnt finalize our divorce..." Actually, he didnt want to know or rather, he refused to know why Blaine kept their sham of a marriage. Nothing good had come of their marriage for either of them, both of them were left with tears and broken hearts.
"Then go! Go back in Paris!" Quinn encouraged her friend, totally oblivious to the situation that Kurt had gotten into.
"I cant..." Kurt whispered. He clearly remembered the threat that Blaine told him earlier, and he cant bear to see his best friend behind bars for forging his accident five years ago. "I have to stay..." Kurt cried helplessly. "but I-I dont wa-want to. Quinn I dont want t-to be wi-with him..."
Kurt wasnt going to lie and say that getting over Blaine was going to be easy. It took him years to really get over that curly haired man. It was five years of battle between love and hate towards Blaine. It was five years of helpless cries to stop loving the man who brought danger to both his and his sons lives. Five years of desperation because he needed... wanted the Blaine he fell in love with by his side every time he had to visit the doctor about their sons condition. Five years of desperately trying to patch the wound that Blaine had left in him.
He had just established his ground when Blaine reappeared in his life and made it more complicated than ever. He cant be with him; even if its just on paper, he cant be associated with Blaine again. Especially now, when for the past few days, he had caught glimpses of the man he fell in love before- the caring, funny and affectionate Blaine-so he had to stop and prevent all means that would make him spend more time with Blaine before he let his heart fall again for a man who would never catch it.
"Quinn... Im so so-sorry..." Kurt sobbed. "I... Im sorry for dragging y-you into my prob-problems..." he tried saying between hiccups.
"Shh... Kurt, no honey, no... youre not... Why are you thinking like that?" she asked worriedly about her friends situation, still in the dark as to what had transpired that night.
Kurt didnt immediately answer his friend; he tried composing himself first before telling everything to Quinn about the incident earlier that night.
"... and... and then he told the nurse that he should call me Hummel-Anderson because... because were still married..." Kurt finished his story. "Quinn, Im really, really sorry," he apologized for the millionth time. "Sorry for involving you in this mess."
Quinn didnt respond to Kurt right after his story; its not because she is worried about going to jail, shes a PUCKERMAN after all-no one can touch her and she is confident with that. Her husband is not just an FBI agent now; Noah is one of the respected section chief in the FBI. So no, shes not worried about that, what she is concerned about is why Anderson wouldnt proceed with the divorce.
She got that Blaine may had been devastated and guilt-driven with the loss of his child, but he would have gotten over it because it was his wish to get rid of Pickles after all. And more importantly, he should have taken the opportunity to get divorced from Kurt when the latter had left him, so he could be with his boyfriend then.
Why? Quinn thought to herself. If Kurt was in a better state of mind, he would also have thought like Quinn, but after Andres accident and Kurt revealing to Blaine his relation with Andre, topping off with Blaine saying that they are still married, Kurt wasnt in the right frame of mind to think of Blaines objectives for keeping their marriage.
The pieces of the puzzle wouldnt fit no matter how Quinn thought of the different angles. The logic of Blaine wanting Kurt and Pickles, but at the same time, gave the abortion papers to Kurt that might have ruined his husband and sons lives. Something isnt right... It doesnt make any sense at all... oh... OH! Shit! Unless... UNLESS Blaine wasnt-
Quinns train of thought was disrupted when she heard a wail on the other side of the line, totally forgetting the puzzle she almost solved, as she attempted to comfort her troubled friend, pleading and begging him not to be mad at her for involving her to his messed up life.
"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel!" she shouted to make her friend stop apologizing. "You listen to me, Kurt!" When he finally stopped, she continued. "Do not worry about me..."
"but... but.." Kurt protested.
"I told you baby, Im alright. I wont go to prison. My husband loves me too much to let me be put behind bars, and if I do, Ill still live a luxurious life inside the jail," she said smugly.
"Dont even joke about that," Kurt scolded her through tears, wiping the remnants on his neck with the back of his hands. "I dont really know what to do now... Its just like the day when I found out that I was pregnant, and had to make a decision whether I should marry Blaine or not... Im-Im so lost."
Quinn really was Kurts best friend-well besides Adam-she always understood Kurt, she even knew that Kurt wasnt finished with what he is saying as she waited silently to give Kurt a moment to gather his thoughts.
"I dont know what I should do from here... I... What if... What if I make a mistake again? What if I thought one decision was right, but it will just make my life even worse. Just... just like with my marriage with Blaine. I thought that being with Blaine, I could provide Pickles a nice and warm family, but it was the worst decisions that I made," Kurt explained. "Quinn, I-Im just so afraid," he whispered pleadingly.
"Care to tell me what you are afraid of exactly?" Quinn mused.
"Afraid of Blaine," he said without a second thought. "Im afraid that hell take Andre away from me. I know that Blaine will eventually tell Andre about their true relationship and Im afraid that Andre will love Blaine more than me. Im just... Im just so afraid of being alone."
"Thats bullshit!" Quinn said, irritated. "Dont give me that crap Hummel because we both know that those arent true. Blaine cant take Andre away from you because you are the legitimate parent and you have more rights than Blaine-after what that bastard did to you. And if hell use his wealth to take Andre from us then well use our connections to fight him in court. Easy as that." She paused for a moment to breathe deeply.
"And Andre loving Blaine more than you?" she asked incredulously. "We both know that you are Andres world. He looks at you like you hung the moon at night. Hes so attached to you that it makes other parents jealous of your relationship with your son. Hell, Im jealous sometimes that Andre is very affectionate with you, I wish that my kids were also like that."
"Lastly, what the hell about you being alone? When are you going to be alone? We are always here for you Kurt, no matter what will happen. Family, remember?" She smiled slightly as she remembered the past years that their friendship had gone stronger. "So what are you really afraid of? Dont go lying to me Hummel, I know you like the back of my hand."
Thats Quinn Fabray-Puckerman for you. No one can lie to her, he even wondered before why didnt she just go to law school like she had planned. She can see right through people, especially those people who she is close with.
"...Im afraid of falling..." he paused for a moment. "Im afraid of falling for him again."
"Oh shit," Quinn cursed. Not again. she thought woefully. "Kurt..." She started warning her friend.
"Quinn... I know, I know its not right. But-but youre not here, you didnt know him like I do... I can see him again, you know the Blaine that I used to love and Quinn its hard... You... I... I cant explain it, I felt like I cheated... This is so wrong... I dont want this kind of feelings. I dont want to go over that kind of pain again. I... I just want it all to stop," Kurt cried feeling ashamed.
It had not only been a month since his reunion with Blaine, and even after spending so little time with him, he could feel his heart skip a beat whenever they were in the same room. Its like his feelings for Blaine were never gone, it just hit pause for a moment and resumed again when he and Blaine had said their apologies to each other back in Paris. Oh my god! Please stop! What would Adam think of me now!
"Shh... its okay baby... you wont... you wont..." Quinn tried but failed to comfort her friend.
"I want this to be over. Make it stop... Please, make it stop," Kurt pleaded to her even though he knew that Quinn could do nothing about his situation.
"I want to... Kurt, I want to, but youre the only one who can do it," Quinn answered solemnly. "We both know that you already have the answer for your problem. Dont worry about me, okay? Do what you need to do and Ill support you no matter what."
"I... I needed this..." Kurt repeated to himself, he tried saying it firmly, but his sobs had failed to make him do so.
Kurt had decided. Tomorrow...
Tomorrow he will officially be a divorced man.
"Knock knock," Blaine started when he literally knocked his knuckles on the open door of Andres hospital room.
It had not been visiting hours, but he was eager to see his son and husband.
Yes, thats right. He is a father and a husband and nothing could make Blaine happier than knowing that he had a family. Not just an ordinary family, but a family that has Kurt, the love of his life, in it, and of course, his long lost son, Pickles or Jean Andre, whichever. The name didnt matter. What mattered was that they were both here, and Blaine now had the opportunity to get things right.
Five years ago, when Sam had asked him what he would do about the divorce papers, it had resulted in a big fight between them. He blamed Sam for making him believe that divorcing Kurt was the wisest things he had done. And you know how it turned out.
He never intended to divorce Kurt, he wanted to be with him, so how could he have the guts to start divorce proceedings when the only link that he had with Kurt were their wedding vows.
Til Death do us part remember?
When he saw Kurts new pseudo-family, his idea of forever had vanished. He was just about ready to let go and give Kurt the separation he deserved; he would have silently divorced Kurt without the latter knowing that they were still married, the papers were still valid as long as it was not finalized in the court, but when the truth had been revealed, he used their marriage to his advantage.
He knew that it was a low blow to use Kurts family to force Kurt to be with him, but he couldnt think of anything to make Kurt and Andre stay with him. He was desperate to be with his husband, and he couldnt do that if Kurt was still with Adam.
Adam... speaking of Adam. Why is he the only one here? he thought and addressed a question to the person sitting beside Andre on the hospital bed, reading his son a story book. "Wheres Kurt?"
"Bowtie!" Andre exclaimed and jumped into a sitting position. Even though he had been told by his papa to stay still and not exert too much energy, he still cannot contain his energy when he saw Bowties at the door. He missed Bowties so much, he havent seen him for days until last night, but his play time with Bowties was disrupted when he passed out in the restaurant. He should have really told his papa when his head was hurting, if he did, he wouldnt see boo-boos in papas eyes again.
"Hi baby..." Blaine said and gently approached Andre. Blaine wouldnt deny the politeness that the British man had when he stood up from the bed to make space for Blaine. "How are you?" he asked after he put the box he was holding on the stand beside the bed and lay beside his son. Being careful not to touch the dextrose IV attached to Andres left hand, he moved Andre closer to him with Andres back resting on his chest. "I miss you so much," he whispered to the boys hair as he tightened his embrace around his baby.
He really missed Andre, not just because of the five years that they have not known each other, but also because of the one night they had been forced to be apart again. Despite the repetitive assurances of Dr. Rose and his brother, he tossed and twirled in his sleep; restless as he thought of his sons condition at the hospital. He had just gotten his son back, and he didnt know what it would do to him if fate had decided to separate them again.
"I miss you too, Bowties!" Andre shouted and snuggled to the familiar warm embrace that Blaine was supplying him, it was just like the hugs he always received from his papa.
"Wheres your papa?" Blaine asked the boy, but it was Adam who answered his question.
"He went out for a while. He just needed to do something," Adam explained uncomfortably, shuffling his feet and looking past Blaine.
Blaine nodded. "When can Andre come home?"
"Probably tonight. We are just waiting for Dr. Roses approval for his release and then Andre can come home," Adam answered again.
Neither man knew where Andres home would be now. Blaine and Kurt needed to talk first about their arrangement; Blaine just hoped that everything will go as he desired it to be.
There was an eerie silence in the room, apart from the clanking of Andre playing with his toys. Neither man knew how to address the other mans presence in the room.
That awkward moment when you are inside a room with your husbands boyfriend.... Huh... It sounded like Kurt was cheating, but he thought that this was worse because he was the other man in this scenario. He didnt like this feeling of entrapment. This must have been how Kurt had felt when Sebastian had surprisingly appeared at my apartment before and Kurt had to act like my maid. Damn it Anderson! he thought begrudgingly.
They shared a long moment of silence before Adam gave up and excused himself to go to the cafeteria, giving the father and son a moment for themselves.
"Are you hungry?" Blaine asked and twisted to his side to get the dessert he had bought. "I brought you something..." Blaine offered and opened the box of cheesecake.
"Yay! Cheesecake!" Andre cheered. "How did you know cheesecake is my favorite?" he probed while he reached for the fork that Blaine had given him, and started mauling the carrot cheesecake which was still inside the box.
"It was your Papas favorite..." Blaine answered him with a smile in his face as he remembered the days where Kurt, whilst pregnant with Pickles, literally ate Pickle-flavored cheesecake with every meal.
"No..." Andre protested; mouth filled with sweets. "Papa doesnt like cheesecake..."
"Why?" Blaine questioned him and turned Andres face towards him so could wipe the icing off the corner of his mouth.
"Papa cries because Daddy bought him cake before..." Andre answered nonchalantly and immediately gasped as he realized what he had just said.
Blaine was frozen in shock; mouth agape as he looked at his son. I thought Kurt had never mentioned him to Andre, then why does Andre know that he has another daddy? He was about to question Andre about what he meant, but the toddler quickly pushed the cake from his lap, dropping it on the floor, and twirled his body around to straddle Blaines lap.
Andre slapped both of his hands on Blaines mouth, disabling the tanned man from questioning Andre. "No! No! No! Dont tell Papa... Bowties dont tell Papa," he pleaded in fear.
Blaine gently unclasped the hands covering his mouth and tugged Andre towards him. "Dont tell Papa what exactly?" he asked and hugged Andre tightly because the boy had been seriously scared of what he had just revealed.
"That... that I know Daddy..." Andre confessed and started crying on Blaines shoulder. "Unc Finn said..."
Ahhh... Thats why Andre knew about me, Kurt didnt really tell Andre about me.... Blaine didnt know if he should be relieved that Kurt told him the truth or be sad that Kurt never really intended to tell Andre about him.
"I heard Unc Finn said to Aunt Rach that Papa doesnt eat cheesecake because it reminds him of Daddy..." Andre sniffed in the mans embrace. "Unc Finn also told me that I shouldnt ask about Daddy to Papa because Papa cries... And I dont like Papa sad..." he then pleaded with Blaine, parting their bodies and clutching at the older mans collar. "Please Bowties dont tell Papa, I dont like when Papa is crying."
"Do you know who your daddy is?" Blaine couldnt help but question the boy; and a mixture of dread and gladness filled him as he waited for Andres answer. He would be glad that Andre knew about him, then it would be easier for him, but dreaded that Andre knew him as the bad person who makes his papa sad.
Andre shook his head frantically as he answer. "No... Unc Finn didnt tell me..."
"Do you want to know who your daddy is?" Blaine hoped.
"Uh-uh" Andre shook his head. "Daddy makes Papa cry, Andre doesnt like Papa sad. Unc Finn said that Daddy is bad because Daddy hurts Papa. And Im Papas Andre and I dont like people who make Papa sad. So I dont like Daddy," he answered truthfully.
How could Blaine even respond to that? How could he undo his mistakes when in the first place, his son had already hated him without even knowing? So Blaine could do nothing but stare speechless at the sobbing Andre. Unbeknownst to the little boy, Blaine was dying inside every time the boy said that Blaine was making his papa cry.
Please... how can I undo my past? Tell me what I have to do... Blaine thought woefully as he embraced Andre again, letting all unsaid words of regrets in his arms. "Im sorry," he whispered to the boys hair, because that is the only thing he can do; apologize for hurting both of them.
"Can you sing for me?" Andre requested out of the blue, head still resting on his fathers shoulder. "Papa sings when I cry. Can you sing for me, Bowtie?" he asked and tightened his grip around the mans neck.
Blaine thought frantically of some comforting song, and started singing it, but again, he was abruptly stopped by Andre.
"Dont sing that," Andre demanded and manically scanned the hospital room, peering over to the door, as though he was looking for a person. He sighed in relief when his Papa still wasnt back.
"Dont sing the birdie song," Andre lightly scolded Blaine. "Unc Finn said that Papa sings the birdie song to me and Daddy, but it makes Papa cry now if he hears the birdie song," Andre explained and laid his head again onto the mans shoulder as he waited for Blaine to sing him a new song.
Blaine didnt know what he had sung after Andres explanation. He was still focused on the idea that he had tainted the song that Kurts mother had given him. He clearly remembered back then when nothing was wrong, he and Kurt would sing that song every night as Andres lullaby. It was also special to Blaine because that tune had also become his lullaby for the past five years he was separated from the love of his life.
It was their song, he remembered clearly the first time he heard that song on the only Christmas they shared, it was the moment that he knew Kurt was it for him, but he was just too stupid to acknowledge it at that time.
It was this song that makes Blaine fight to live, wanting to hear again the song from a melodic voice that captured his heart.
It was their Blackbird.
"Good day Mr. Anderson!" The door man greeted Blaine when he returned to his apartment in the Upper West Side.
As much as it hurt him to go home, he had to leave Andre in the hospital. He stayed for a few more hours, playing with his son, but he decided to go home for now. He didnt have the will power to see Kurt now after what Andre had told him. He needed a little time to think what he should do now to get Kurt and Andre back in his life.
But then, even time is scarce for him when he exited the elevator and the first thing he saw was Kurt standing outside his door.
"Kurt..." he whispered, getting the attention of the other man, who was previously looking at his phone.
"Hi..." Kurt replied unsurely.
They shared a moment of silence before Blaine got his mind rolling again and invited Kurt inside his apartment.
"Its a little bit chilly here in the hallway, and you just got well from your fever," Blaine reasoned out when Kurt was reluctant about it.
Kurt gave a clipped nod and followed Blaine inside the apartment. Please stop this, Blaine. He pleaded in his thoughts when he once again saw Blaine in a different light. They werent even in the living room yet and Kurt had started feeling uneasy, he needed to end this fast. So without second thought he grabbed Blaines elbow so the man would stop walking further in the room and then he took the brown envelope from his bag.
"Here," Kurt said and gave Blaine the envelope.
"Wh-whats this?" Blaine asked, reluctant to receive the envelope inside. He doesnt like what he was feeling now.
"Blaine... I... It-" What Kurt would have said had been muffled by the shrilling sound of the telephone ringing inside the apartment.
Blaine looked back and forth from the doorway where Kurt was standing and to the living room where the noise was coming from. "Can... Can I?"
"Yeah... yeah sure," Kurt nodded politely, and hugged his torso for comfort when Blaine left him standing there to answer the telephone.
It might have only been a minute before Blaine came back, but the longer Kurt was inside the apartment, the more he felt he was being suffocated. He tried relaxing by the breathing exercises he learned from Quinn to relax his body, so when Blaine came back, he looked like nothing was wrong with him.
"Uhmmm... uhh... I need to go down first, someone left a package for me," Blaine said. Truthfully, someone from the staff could have just brought it to his room, but he chose to get some air first before facing Kurt again. He needed to breathe first, he felt like dying, as he thought of the contents of the envelope which he now put on his coffee table.
"Oh..." Kurt would have protested because he couldnt be here any longer, the package could wait, but before he could say something Blaine had dashed out from his apartment. Having left Kurt inside, he slammed the door hard, making the other furniture near the door to move.
The jingle of the key in the key holder rack that was beside the door, that he just now noticed, had grabbed his attention. He gasped as he saw a very familiar key chain.
"Oh my god," he whispered unbelievably as he took the key from the holder and inspected it.
The cubic glass key chain, engraved with his name Kurt Hummel-Anderson, hung there. A little old and tattered but it was there, even the keys he had placed on it years ago were still there; his old apartment key and the key for the treasure box that he got from his mom when he was a child.
"Unbelievable," he whispered and dashed further inside the apartment, abruptly stopping at the living room when he saw their wedding picture, two-feet tall and expensively framed and hung above the LED television. It was like the portrait was positioned above so one could always admire it wherever they were inside the apartment. It was too big and at the center of the room for you to not notice it.
Kurt was totally speechless because of what he had just seen. Even when they are still living in their old apartment in the Upper East Side, there were no signs that a married couple lived there. No wedding pictures lavishly plastered on every wall or family pictures in frames placed on the bookshelves.
Family pictures... With knees almost going out from the things he had just seen, he slowly walked towards the bookshelf where pictures were placed into smaller frames. There were pictures of Coopers family, family pictures from his wedding with Blaine, the old family picture of Finn and Rachels wedding that he had years ago, Kurt and Elizabeth grainy picture, even Pickles sonogram was framed in there. There was even a picture of him in the rocking chair that Blaine bought for him before, with his shirt raised to show his belly. He was beautiful even though his face cannot be seen, but the glow of the moonlight from the window he was facing had made it perfect. It was a picture he never saw and didnt know that Blaine had taken of him. The picture that had interested him the most was his and Blaines picture-the morning after New Years Eve, Kurt remembered that moment, they shared languid kisses as they finish their breakfast and Blaine started taking pictures of him in an apron, saying that it was for work inspiration. So Kurt, in love at that time, took the phone from Blaine and took a picture of both of them, cheeks pressed together and smiles that reached their ears.
When he grabbed that particular frame, he noticed a thin layer of dust that on the shelf, leaving a mark where the frame was placed. It is obvious that it was placed there for a long time, not just yesterday or this week.
He clutched the frame to his chest, and started crying. He didnt even know why, things were more complicated now that than before he had seen this. He just had an answer for his problem, and now he started rethinking it.
He knew it was stupid to think that maybe if he found something inside the apartment that would make Blaine bad again, just one piece of evidence was enough to prove that he wasnt worth loving anymore.
He was wrong...
He was deadly wrong when he went inside Blaines bedroom, which was very untidy because of the clothes thrown over the bed, wardrobe left open, and bed still unmade, obviously in a hurry to go somewhere. Probably at the hospital, Kurt mused before he realized what was inside Blaines closet.
It wasnt just Blaines clothes, on the right side of the closet were his clothes, and no, it wasnt like the designer clothes he was wearing right now, but his old clothes that he left in their apartment when he ran away that dreadful night from Blaine.
"Oh god..." Kurt cried and lifted one hand to carefully caress his old clothes, and when his eyes landed on the bottom of the closet, his heart pounded when he saw the gifts on the floor. There were 10 presents, half wrapped around by different birthday wrappers and the other half by Christmas wrappers, and all of it was addressed to him.
"Stop... stop... please stop," he took a step back when things got a little foggy and bumped the back of his knees against the bed and he fell on it. He quickly scrambled to his feet but his feet had tangled with the sheets and when he forcefully ripped the blanket from him, an ipod fell down to the floor. He didnt notice it until, in his haze and rush to get out of the apartment, he accidentally stepped on it and it lit, showing his picture as the lock screen.
If he wasnt so stupid, he would have left the device on the floor and left the room, but then there wouldnt be a story to write if that would have happened. So Kurt, with trembling hands, took the ipod and unlocked it. What he was surprised at was not the home screen being a stolen picture of him from one of the board meetings, but it was the folder labeled as KURT.
The folder only contained three apps, one was the photo, the other was the video and the last was the voice memo. He clicked the photo app first and saw pictures of him, not just from his past, but also recent pictures of him when he started working at the Andersons Corporation. For others, they would be creeped out for having your husband your stalker, but it made jolts in Kurts heart.
When he finished scanning the pictures, he clicked the video app and he momentarily watched a video of him singing Blackbird. It was obvious that the video was taken secretly; his lower body cannot be seen in the video because it was blocked by the door.
When the video was finished, he clicked the voice memo app and was stunned at how much Blaine had recorded in it. He looked for the first entry and it was dated as far as five years ago and the recent one was sometime after their reconciliation in Paris.
Kurt was torn if he should or shouldnt listen to it. After a minute of pros and cons that he couldnt even remember which one won, he listened to it. He pressed the first entry and he wasnt surprised that he heard Blaines voice in it.
"Hi baby... I... I miss you so much, you know that right? It has been 3 months since you left... I... and I dont know what to do... I dont eat, I dont sleep... Im not myself anymore. Ma said that I should try a therapist... I told them I dont want to, nothing is wrong with me, baby. Im just broken, and I know you are the only who can fix it. They dont know what Im feeling right now... no one knows... But Cooper-Coop forced me to seek help and my therapist told me that maybe I should try writing my feelings for you, maybe it could help... Kurt, I tried writing a letter, but the paper keeps getting wet because of my tears so I tried recording it, and baby nothing changed. Youre still not here, Im still alone. Please baby come back home. I love you so much..."
By the end of the first record, Kurt was full on blast crying, but he willed himself to listen to the rest, he needed to know what happened to Blaine. He needed to know if he really loved him or is it just the guilt of losing Pickles that made him say those words.
"Baby, your dad is really scary you know that? Ive been in your house multiple times and he wont let me know where you are. I just... I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see my husband... I... I havent said I love you yet... I havent said Im so sorry for putting you to so much pain. Baby please just give me the chance to say it... Please come back, I dont know what Im going to do now. Ive been so crazy looking for you because Kurt I love you so much. Ill record everyday so you would know what had been happening to me every day so that when you finally come back, you would know how sincere my feelings are for you."
He quickly scanned the list and truly it had almost had a thousand recordings in it, it was like a daily journal to Blaine. He knew he didnt have any time to listen to all of it so he just picked some random logs.
"You still dont know that it was not my idea about the divorce papers. I... I dont know why I thought Sams idea was great. I... Im sorry baby for making you sign that. I had a fight with Sam today because of it, I... I blame him for everything that I put you through, but I knew that it was all my fault. I just needed to let my anger out. I... I cant do this by myself. I... I needed you to be here. Youre the only one who can make me strong."
Kurt cant stop listening to Blaine so he clicked and clicked other records until he was satisfied.
"I was watching the news earlier and its about a house that caught fire... Kurt... I changed the channel immediately because I know that it will give you bad memories about what happened to your mom, but it was the silence of the room that reminded me that you arent beside me watching it. Kurt please come back home... Every day is so hard for me to keep pretending that you are just out with your friends and having fun. Kurt please come home...:"
"Happy 29th Birthday baby... I finally learned how to cook; I just learned how to bake a pickled-flavored cheesecake. I know its your favorite, so please baby, come back now so I could make this for you. They said that one way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Every day Ill cook it for you until you could love me again... I dont even know if you love me or not, but Kurt Ill wait... Ill wait for you so baby come back here..."
"I finally found the cologne you always wear. I was helping Jenna today with her grocery shopping and I accidentally knocked one of the perfumes. Baby, is this fate telling me that well eventually meet? I miss you so much .I bought a lot of that cologne and sprayed it on your clothes because your smell is starting to fade, but baby it still didnt beat the you in the flesh, who I can kiss and cuddle, someone who I could talk to when I feel bad... but baby its okay that for now your clothes are the one that is taking the space on the other side of the bed... Just please dont forget to come home..."
Kurt glanced back at the ipod to see the date and it was recorded three years ago, so no, its not fate.
"The apartment feels so lonely now that you arent here anymore. I put all your things inside my room and our pictures in the living room... I thought... I thought that maybe it could be different that the apartment looks like that we are living here... but baby it didnt work. I went home tonight with a smile, I hung my keys next to yours and when I shouted Im home no one replied. You werent here. I know Im making this all up in my head, but I told myself its a good practice for me to be a good husband when you finally come back. So I wont stop baby... I wont stop saying Im home not until I hear you say it back."
"Cooper and Sam are forcing me again today to get out and Im trying tomove on. Dont worry baby, I refused to be with them. I will never look at another man again like I looked at you. Why would I look for second best when I had a taste of perfection? Baby, youre my perfect one. Im sorry if I didnt tell you that sooner. Cooper scolded me today that I should get my ass out of our apartment and stop being an emotional teenager. But baby Im not. What I do every night is to talk to you, yes its only through this ipod and its only me who is talking, but its okay... Ill get what I can... And baby I really dont like going out, I dont even want to go to work because Im so afraid that when you finally decided to come home, I wont be here and youll think that I dont love you. But baby, its not true... I love you so much."
"I thought of ending my life today... but dont cry baby, I didnt. I just felt so alone. Today is Pickles death anniversary and I had a thought of maybe he is lonely in there and he wanted his dad to be with him. I had everything prepared; I bought a lot of sleeping pills so my death would be peaceful. I even played our song, Blackbird, which I secretly recorded of you so that your voice is the last thing that I would hear. But then baby I realized that what I want is to die in your arms... so I flushed all the pills in the toilet and cried until I felt asleep. For now, hearing you sing Blackbird would suffice, making me little bit stronger to live another day, and until then baby, Ill wait for you."
"I met Andre today, you have a beautiful baby boy. It hurts to tell you that I would be happy for you because Kurt that is bullshit. Ill never be happy now I know that you and I will never be together. Baby, Im dying but it was just now that I started feeling right. Kurt, thank you for forgiving me, I waited five years for that and its totally worth it. I love you so much... so so much that I dont even know what to do anymore. Youre the reason for my existence, and now that there is no possibility that well get back together... Im so lost...I-I wanted to tell you to come home with me, but I guess you found your true home. I love you."
"I bought another loft today; the walls keep haunting me about our past. I thought... I thought that maybe moving into another loft would help me move on... but baby it didnt do anything, actually, it made me feel worse because I cant see you anymore. Id rather have you in little means than nothing at all. So when I moved to my new apartment, I put our things together again just like what I did with our old apartment. I know you made it clear that we should take it slow and just try being acquaintances first, but baby its hard for me... Just give me more time and I promise you Ill start moving on, but now baby, give me this time. I-I just found you... and Im so proud of how far you reached... You really take my breath away every time I see you. This will be my last time using this because now I know its useless to tell you my feelings when we wont be together again, but Kurt, please remember always that you are the love of my life and no one can ever replace you."
Kurt cried... He cried and cried. He knew in the middle of listening to the records, Blaine had come back from downstairs; the shadow that he could see on the doorway indicated that Blaine is just there patiently waiting for him.
Blaine didnt approach Kurt, it was Kurt who stepped outside of the room, and saw Blaine bloodshed with tears like him. No one said anything at first, they just looked at each other and cried again until Blaine raised his hand and caressed Kurts cheeks, wiping his very wet face, and he whispered.
"I... I was waiting for you..."
Title Reference: unbeknownst - Kurts and Blaines past that they experienced during the five years they are apart to each other. Andre still didnt know that Blaine is also his father, but Kurt didnt know Andre knew that he has a father.
Story Reference:
-when Kurt run away from Blaine, he didnt bring any clothes with him.
-PUCK & QUINN ENDGAME (Just Give me a Reason)
- There was a moment... Blackbird in Original Song Episode
Story Outline:
-Blaine & Marcus talk
-Kurts & Blaines past
Scenes Included:
-Andre hating his daddy for hurting Kurt
-Andre doesnt like his own daddy
-blackbird as a lullaby
-blaines journal (modified)
-blaines closet is full of kurts old clothes
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