You're In My Heart
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You're In My Heart : Chapter 30 - Swimming Back To The Surface


E - Words: 3,299 - Last Updated: Sep 11, 2012
Story: Complete - Chapters: 36/36 - Created: Jul 07, 2012 - Updated: Sep 11, 2012
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Author's Notes: Yeah, I know, it's a very short chapter. But who wants the depression to last any longer than it has to?

Finn was waiting in the front hall, Aramis at his side. The collie was wagging his tail, looking up at Finn until he heard the Navigator in the driveway. He started yipping and barking, twisting himself in circles of ecstasy in anticipation of his master returning home.

“Settle down, boy,” Finn said, giving him the hand signals for 'sit' and 'stay'. The dog obeyed immediately, but was still alert as he watched the door. “You miss them, don't you, Aramis?” Finn asked. The dog wagged his tail. “Yeah, we all did.”


Burt pulled up as close to the door as possible in the circle drive, and Finn ran out, already wrapped in his coat with mittens. He pulled the front passenger door open, seeing the smile on Blaine's lips as he looked up into the car. Kurt got out of the back, coming up to help Blaine, but Finn gathered him up in his strong arms and swept him out of the car and started walking towards the house.

“Hey, Finn, I can carry him,” Kurt snapped, but Finn just grinned. “I know you can, but I'm so happy to have the two of you home, just let me bring him inside. Where do you want me to put you, Blaine? The living room or your bedroom?”

“The bedroom. He's really tired,” Kurt said.

“Excuse me, Kurt, but I can answer for myself. Maybe I can't walk, but my brain is working just fine, Mama Tiger,” Blaine grinned. Kurt huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Blaine, how about we have Finn put you on the sofa in your room as a compromise, okay? No use getting into an argument the minute you come home,” Burt said.

“Thanks, Burt, I think that would be best. If you don't mind, Finn?” Blaine smiled at his soon to be brother-in-law.

Finn walked past Aramis, who whined to be allowed to get up and greet everyone. Kurt told him to stay, worried he might jump on Blaine, then signaled him to walk at heel as he walked down the hall after Finn.

Blaine was set gently on his sofa and Finn helped him remove his coat and things, while Kurt took off his shoes and spread a new afghan over his lap to keep him warm. With all the time spent beside Blaine's bed over the last few weeks, Mercedes had brought Kurt some soft wool yarn in shades of green to crochet a new afghan for Blaine.

Burt leaned over and gave Blaine a little hug, patting him on the back before saying, “We're so thankful to have you home once again, Blaine.”

Finn sat in one of the easy chairs, asking if Blaine wanted something to eat before Mercedes and Carole stepped in to see him, too. Aramis sat looking from one boy to the other, his tail never resting as he showed his thrill to have his masters back where they belonged. Apparently he didn't hold a grudge for being locked in the mudroom for three days. Carole had found him, with water and food to spare, when they finally got home. Everyone sat and talked for a short while, but Blaine was showing signs of getting sleepy, so they left – all but Kurt and Mercy. Kurt was sitting at one end of the sofa, Blaine lying back against his chest, and Mercy had been at the other end. She moved closer.

“Blaine, I am so glad you are home. We prayed for you, and God brought you back to us. We missed you,” she said in a soft voice. She knew Kurt did not believe in God, but wasn't sure how Blaine felt. She was so sure in her belief, it wasn't an embarrassment to her to speak of how she had prayed, how she believed He had a hand in bringing Blaine back to them. She rubbed her belly, a habit she had started doing a while ago. The baby was more active now, sometimes rolling over or kicking her so hard she couldn't believe it.

“The baby missed you, too, I think,” she laughed as a foot or hand struck her insides.

“Oh...can I feel it?” Blaine asked shyly. He really loved the feel of the baby moving around and was not sure if it was okay that he always asked, but Mercy had never said no.

She felt with her hand until she found the best place for him to feel, and took his hand to place it there. His eyes got wide and a smile crossed his face. Kurt felt a funny shiver go through his body at the sight of Blaine's delight and reached to feel the baby, too.

Baby was very rambunctious today and kicked and turned for a while before falling silent once again.

“Thank you, Mercedes.”

“You are both entirely welcome. I can hardly wait for Baby to meet the uncles!!” she grinned. “But I need to take a nap, and I imagine you two guys need one, too. I'll see you at dinner. Cooper should be home about 5:30,” she concluded, kissing both boys on their cheeks and leaving the room.


“Ahhhh. I am so happy to be home, but if it's okay with you, I would really like to get to bed now,” Blaine said to Kurt.

“Are you sure you don't want me to call Finn back in to help you?” Kurt snapped, turning his head away. He was feeling sort of useless after Finn carried Blaine in, showing off his big muscled arms.

Blaine was taken aback for a moment, but he understood. Plus, he shouldn't have called Kurt 'Mama Tiger', he knew how sensitive he was about that. He leaned in a little, kissing Kurt's cheek, rubbing his nose against Kurt's, kissing Kurt's soft pink lips until Kurt's icy wall had melted and was kissing him back.

“Better?” Blaine asked, whispering in Kurt's ear. Kurt was well aware of Blaine trying to make it up to him with flirting, but he was okay with that. He had been kind of grumpy and there was no reason for it, Finn was only trying to help and was genuinely glad to have Blaine back home. Kurt smiled.

“Yes, I'm fine,” he said, shifting Blaine so he could get up. Last time Blaine came home from the hospital, he had problems walking and moving - he was clumsy and had to think before moving, concentrate to do things like picking up an object. This time, it was different. He was unable to move his legs at all. The pain in his joints was much worse and he was on narcotic pain meds round the clock. He got anxious or grouchy or depressed for no apparent reason, his frustration level off the chart some days. He couldn't coordinate his movements very well, and so had to have help with all basic things from eating to taking care of his personal hygiene. And there was no way the doctors and therapists could predict when or even if it would get better. If Kurt thought taking care of Blaine was hard last time, it was nothing compared to this time.

“Do you need to use the restroom?” Kurt asked. It was easier to do that first before putting him to bed.

“Yes. Thank you.” That was one thing that never changed, no matter how depressed or frustrated or angry Blaine was, he always acknowledged what others did for him, always saying thank you for every effort put forth for him.

Kurt took him in, helped him with it and brought him back to bed where he got Blaine into his favorite Batman pajamas. Of course he kidded him about them, but after all, Kurt was the one that had bought them, so Blaine didn't care if he teased. He remembered the night he had first put them on – and turned to see Kurt was wearing Spider-man pajamas. They had laughed at the absurdity of it all for a long time that night, eventually ending up wrestling to see who was the better super hero, Kurt mumbling “With great power comes great responsibility”. If you asked Blaine, he would tell you his favorite super hero was Kurt.


“Are you okay pain-wise right now? I can get you your next dose if you need some,” Kurt asked.

“No, I'm okay for now,” Blaine said, looking away.

“Blaine. We've been over this, haven't we? You are not an addict – you take the medication to stop hurting. If you wait until the last minute, until it's shot up to an eight or nine, it takes more medication to make you comfortable. If you take a smaller dose when you first start to hurt, you'll take less in the long run,” Kurt lectured.

“Okay. Yes, may I have one of the less strong ones.”

“I'll be right back. How's your stomach? Do you need some crackers to eat with it?” he asked.

“Is there any hummus?” Blaine's face glowed at the thought of Kurt's hummus.

“Yes, I asked Mrs Shaw to make some. Anything else?”

“No, just you...”

Kurt smiled and left to get the things for Blaine. He brought them back and they boys sat up and chatted while Blaine ate the snack. He was yawning by the time he finished and his eyes were drooping, so Kurt took off his button down shirt and skinny jeans – they weren't very comfortable to sleep in – and placed all the dishes on the bedside table for now. Aramis paced a little, so relieved that his masters were back home, and lay down to take a nap at the end of the bed.

Kurt closed all the drapes and closed the bedroom door, then got under the covers with Blaine. It was dark in the room, the music soft and the scent of lavender from Blaine's pillow mixing with Kurt's cologne.

Blaine snuggled close to Kurt's side, brushing his hand over Kurt's chest, tangling their fingers together only to untangle them and trace patterns on Kurt's undershirt.

“What's wrong, Blaine?”

“What makes you think something's wrong? I'm just tired.”

“You seem restless, baby. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes. Physically, I guess,” Blaine answered, moving his head so he was nestled closer to Kurt's chest.

Kurt combed through his short hair, not quite long enough to curl yet, avoiding the long scar left by the surgery. He put his other hand on the small of Blaine's back, holding him close. He kissed Blaine's head, soft little kisses to calm him.

“Tell me, baby.” Kurt whispered, stroking Blaine's cheek with his thumb, feeling a few tears running down Blaine's face.

Blaine sighed.

“Do you remember in the hospital when we talked about the night I got sick again, the night we made love?”

“Of course I do, Blaine. What about it?”

“I told you I was worried that I was coming down with meningitis again and my fear was that this time my legs wouldn't work....but maybe other things, ah, below my waist, wouldn't work, either.”

“I remember. Are you afraid of that now?” Kurt asked. He had wondered about it, too, but there hadn't been a time to really test it out. The doctors had done an electric current test on his legs to see if the nerves were still viable. They were, but the paralysis in Blaine's legs was there, and the doctors didn't know when it might get better. Or even if it would. The only thing they could tell Kurt was that the nerves were not dead.

Blaine didn't say anything for a while, he just breathed in and out, concentrating on not crying.

“Blaine, you know it isn't why I love you. Of course I enjoy having sex with you, but it isn't why I love you, and it won't change the way I feel about you. We're still getting married. We're still together for life, baby. I will never leave you.”

“Yeah, I know. But, Kurt, it's a pretty damn important thing. I don't want to go the rest of my life not having sex,” he said softly, trying but failing not to sound pitiful.

Kurt thought for a minute. “Have you tried...to get hard?”

“No. I'm scared to even try. I'm not sure I want to know yet.”

“Well, even if you can't now, it doesn't mean it won't happen very soon. You know the doctors said the feeling in your legs could come back any time. I'm sure that's true for other parts, too,” Kurt tried to reassure him. “If the nerves in your legs are not dead, those wouldn't be, either.” At least Kurt hoped so.

Blaine turned to face Kurt, reaching up to kiss him. Kurt kissed him back, just a chaste kiss, Blaine's warm lips on his making him want more, but holding back. Blaine had no intentions of holding back and kissed harder, licking Kurt's bottom lip in invitation. Kurt pulled back, looking at Blaine's eyes, seeing the desperation in them.

“Blaine..we don't need to find out today. You need to rest,” he said.

Blaine very suddenly leaned over and grabbed the glass of apple juice off the bedside table and flung it at the wall – jumping at the noise as it shattered in a million pieces. Kurt held his breath, shocked.

“Oh, my god, Blaine? What brought that on?”

Blaine was trying to sit up, struggling in his hurry but unable to get the right position to do it without Kurt's help. He grabbed the empty plate and flung it, too.

“Stop it, Blaine. Stop it now,” Kurt said in an even tone. He didn't want to shout, knowing this was another anger spell that Blaine had been experiencing. He got out of bed and opened the French door, ushering Aramis outside before he cut his paws on the broken glass.

“Do you want me to come back or just clean this up?” Kurt asked.

“Damn it, Kurt. I want you to get angry. I'm angry, you should be, too. I was going to shout at you that I wasn't an invalid....but, fuck it all, that's exactly what I am. A fucking invalid, like an albatross around your neck.....” Blaine started to reach for another glass, and Kurt wasn't going to stop him, so Blaine just wilted down in the bed, sobbing into his hands.

“Are you okay here for a minute, Blaine?”

“Yes. Why? Are you going to leave me here, alone?” He looked up with sad eyes, knowing he deserved it.

“Yes, but only for a minute.” And Kurt left, going down the hall to the kitchen. Blaine heard some moving around, clattering and banging, and Kurt returned. He had the vacuum, a large wooden crate and a tarp. He brought the carton over to the bed and took out some old china, Blaine recognized it as some from Kurt's old house. He laid the tarp on the floor and centered the wooden crate about six feet from the bed and came back to support Blaine in sitting up.

Blaine just looked at him, what the hell was Kurt doing? But Kurt took a plate and threw it at the crate where it shattered in a loud explosion as it hit the wooden slats. Kurt handed Blaine another plate and looked at him. “Your turn.”

Blaine let it go with all of his strength, which wasn't much, but he heard a satisfying crash as it hit the side and shattered. They took turns until all of the old china was practically dust. Kurt turned to Blaine.

“Feeling better?”

Blaine put his arms around Kurt, burying his face in Kurt's neck. “Yes, oh my god, yes I do. Thank you, and I'm so so sorry. I don't know what came over me, I was just so angry and frustrated...thank you.” He slid back down in the bed, exhausted.

“I'll be right back, I need to clean this up before Aramis can come back in.”

Kurt slid back into his jeans and shoes and swept and vacuumed the pieces of the apple juice glass and plate, then took it all out the French doors and over to dump in the trash bins. He heaved a huge sigh of relief. He'd been very afraid when Blaine got that angry, it was so out of character for him, and Kurt felt helpless in the face of it. He took a deep, cleansing breath and turned around, leaving the crate by the trash bins and going back in the bedroom.

Blaine was sound asleep. Well, maybe it did more good than he imagined! He slipped his jeans off again and got under the covers, gathering Blaine close to him and closing his eyes. He would get Blaine through this dark place, if it was the last thing he ever did.



Two weeks went by, Blaine getting more depressed as his legs refused to move. He began doing school work again, Miss Holiday coming to teach Kurt, Blaine and now Mercedes. They were right on track for graduation, keeping their grades high and sometimes having fun. Kurt and Mercedes went to Glee, but Blaine steadfastly refused to leave the house. Mrs Shaw stayed with Blaine while Kurt was gone, and they often scheduled the physical therapist to come during that hour. Blaine had lost so much weight, even Mrs Shaw could lift him now, though Cooper was usually the one to do that when Kurt was gone.

Kurt invited the Warblers to come and visit Blaine, a few at a time so as not to overtax his scant energy, and the New Directions came, too. Blaine was always polite and smiling at his friends, but the smile never reached his eyes.


One evening, Kurt went into Cooper's office on the second floor. He had an office in downtown Lima, but did much of his work from the house.

“Coop, I don't know what to do. I just don't. I've tried everything, but Blaine is so sad all the time. It scares me. I've tried to get him interested in all sorts of things, but he won't leave the house. Friends come over, but he is just polite, not joining in with anything. He's too weak to hold up his violin, he can't sit steady to play his piano. He might sing a little, but as soon as the person leaves, he's wanting to go to sleep.”

“I've noticed it, too, Kurt. The docs have him on meds for that, too?”

“Yeah. They've tried several, but the side effects haven't been good, so he's not taking any now. It's his decision, and he says no more,” Kurt told him.

“Kurt, you got your passport, didn't you?”

“Yeah...I did it before the big snowstorm, like you asked.”

“Bring it to me. I have Blaine's in the safe. I have an idea. Blaine's birthday is coming up, February 5th. Do you feel like getting married?”

“Good gods, Cooper...do you think Blaine wants to do that now? He's still so sick.” Kurt was astonished, but it made sense. They had to do something to get him out of this depression.

“Yes. Yes, I do. You know I do.”

“You have to go to New York to do it. He'll turn 18, which is legal age. Then you have to wait 24 hours, so let's set it for February 6th?”

“Yes...yes, yes, yes. I think that might just do the trick. Thank you, Cooper.” Kurt couldn't keep the grin off his face, or the hope out of his heart.

End Notes: Well, you know what comes next.......LOL

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