Kurt stared at his NYADA letter, reading those words that hurt him so badly all over again and again.

I didn’t get in. I didn’t get in even after all this hell that people went through for this.

It hurt, it felt like his heart was on fire. He wanted to break down, he wanted to let himself go and just.. cry in front of his step brother, who looked almost just as devastated as he, Rachel, who had some kind of sparkle of hope or happiness her eyes, because she got it and Blaine who hadn’t opened his letter yet.

Kurt walked out of the choir room, slowly with shaky legs. He ignored every smiley face that passed him in the halls and thanked god, who he didn’t even believe in, because there wasn’t.. Blaine. Blaine didn’t follow him, just simply let him go.

No, he couldn’t face Blaine right now. He couldn’t talk with him.

So he just walked until he found himself in the parking lot. He didn’t let himself cry before he was in his car. He didn’t let the tears run before he could hide his face and lean his head against the wheel. He cried because it hurt and burned and everything fell into pieces. Every little fear that he had, was coming true now. Every little hope of future was gone.

Blaine wasn’t exactly thinking when he let Kurt walk out of the choir room. He still held his envelope and he didn’t know what the letter meant for him. He was confused and a weird shiver went over his spine. Watching Kurt shake as he walked almost broke Blaine’s heart.

It took quite a few minutes before it really hit Blaine. He almost had to slap himself before he could understand what he has to do. With one shift move, he turned around and ran after Kurt. When he got out of the choir room he realized that he didn’t know where to look. Choir room was the one safe room where Blaine would look in any other situation; this school didn’t have any other connections to Kurt.

“Hey, have you seen Kurt?” Blaine asked from Tina and Mike who walked by him. They both shook their heads and frowned.

Then there was Mercedes and Puck, but neither of them didn’t know anything neither. Santana, who was standing by his locker, was also clueless. Blaine even ran over to Mr. Schuester’s History class and Ms. Pillsbury office but nothing. The parking lot was the last place he checked.

And there he was, sitting in his car, completely broken down and crying, weeping sharp tears that could have easily harm his eyes. If Blaine’s heart wasn’t broken before, it sure was now. He could feel Kurt’s pain so easily.   

Blaine slowly walked over to the car, holding back the tears of his own. He knocked on the window.

Kurt startled, his head raised from the wheel and his red eyes looked outside.

“Go away,” he mouthed.

Blaine simply couldn’t except this answer and he walked to the other side and sat to the passenger seat.

“Please,” Kurt pleaded. “Leave me alone.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said with a sore throat. “Please don’t shut me down because of it, I beg you.”

Kurt didn’t say anything for while so Blaine thought that it’s a good thing.

“You haven’t opened your letter,” he noticed then. Blaine could feel the heaviness of that envelope when he heard him saying it. “You should do it.”

“I don’t..”

“Open it.” Kurt’s voice was demanding and deep so Blaine took the envelope between his two hands. Slowly, really really slowly he opened it and released the letter inside. He couldn’t read it though.

It was like a silent agreement when Kurt took the letter from Blaine’s hands and unfolded it. Seconds passed like hours of pain and agony, not mystery or hope. Just pain.

“You got in,” Kurt stated then, his eyes still on the letter. “Congratulations, you got in.” He handed the letter back. “You’re going to New York.”

“Kurt, that doesn’t mean..”

“You are going to New York.” Another hiccup echoed from Kurt’s voice. “Could you please leave me alone now?” he asked then. Blaine’s heart ached even more. “Please, Blaine?”

Blaine couldn’t find any other words to say so he did. He left the car and watched as Kurt rode away.

Kurt locked himself into his room when he got home. He shoot away Carole’s and Burt’s questions that echoed behind his door. He didn’t leave the room for the dinner and no one invited him either. He figured that Finn had done the same when he got home so the usual family dinner wouldn’t happen this night.

His phone vibrated and he knew that he had quite a many texts, but he didn’t read them. He could hear Rachel’s voice from the living room, who was probably explaining the situation to Carole and Burt. He also wasn’t surprised to hear Blaine’s voice. After all, he has been almost part of the family since the summer.

Kurt recognized Blaine knock. Door opened slowly.

“Can I come in?” the boy asked politely. Kurt didn’t answer. He could feel Blaine’s glare at as he was lying on his bed and stared the ceiling. “How are you?”

It took a moment before the question sink in. Then Kurt snorted.

“How am I?” he mumbled sarcastically. He shifted himself to a sitting position and looked at Blaine for the first time. Kurt could see a wink of worry in boy’s eyes, but he couldn’t really wonder about it. “Honestly? I’m hurt, I’m in pain. I’m angry and in fire.”

“Kurt, I’m..” Blaine tried to say but now when he could manage his words again, Kurt couldn’t stop.

“I feel like throwing everything away and smashing it.” Kurt’s tone changed angrier and words came out faster. “I feel like punching somebody until he can’t walk. I feel disappointed and tired. I’m angry because this is exactly why I didn’t want to apply for this damned school. And here I am!” he blurted out

Silence continued for a second, either of them didn’t speak. The air was thick with tension and that Kurt felt like there was no air left to breathe.

“Kurt, I.. don’t know what to say,” Blaine finally murmured so quietly that Kurt barely heard it.

“Please, just leave me alone,” Kurt pleaded and laid back again, tears running down his cheeks.

Blaine left.

Blaine didn’t come over or call or even text in the next days. In fact, Kurt didn’t see him until the day that Finn decided to send Rachel off to New York.

It was a tearful goodbye. For Kurt it was even more painful to see her go when he couldn’t go with her. He had to fake a smile as he stood there, Blaine right next to him as they said their goodbyes and hugged her.

“You should’ve gone with her,” Kurt said when the train had finally left and everybody started going to different directions. Kurt walked towards to his car, Blaine followed.

“I can’t go without you,” Blaine answered and to that, Kurt froze. They stopped walking and Kurt slowly turned around to face Blaine.

“You have to go, you belong there,” Kurt stated although these words made him want to cry even more.

“So do you!” Blaine whined. He was tired, Kurt could see. “Kurt, don’t.. don’t push me away. Don’t start your summer the same way that you did last time.”

“It’s too late for that,” Kurt mumbled and turned his back to Blaine again started walking to his car again, Blaine still following him.

“Don’t say that, please, let me help you!”

“It’s too much!” Kurt exhaled brokenly then and stopped again. His breathing was shaky and painful because the tears were on his throat too. He had to take a moment before continuing and Blaine waited. “It’s too much, Blaine, I can’t take it anymore. I couldn’t win the Student Class President election, then there was Sebastian and now I lost NYADA. It’s too much; I can’t deal with it anymore.”

Blaine stared at him, blankly, probably in confusion. Kurt couldn’t say anything else either, he was confused too. He didn’t know what he wanted, he didn’t know why he couldn’t let Blaine close, he just couldn’t. He was too hurt and that held him back.

Blaine was a wreck. His mother kept reminding him that, but he knew it anyway. He was a wreck because he couldn’t sleep, he didn’t want to eat and he couldn’t find anything to live for. He slowly turned into a ghost.

Blaine was struggling in guilt that kept him up every night. He was in pain, because it had been weeks since he and Kurt talked. He was confused because he didn’t know where it leaves them. Were they broken up? Was this it? Blaine wanted to know but he couldn’t dare to speak with Kurt again, he couldn’t find courage to call or even text him because he simply didn’t want to hear anything about the break up, he didn’t want to make it final.

“Blaine, honey, you need to eat something,” his mother said on the dinner when Blaine had started to play with his food again.

“Sorry, I have no appetite.”

“Blaine, you haven’t been eating for weeks,” his father made a notice. “Is this still about Kurt? Are you two okay?”

The concern and worry in his father’s tone made Blaine’s heart flicker a little. His father has always been accepting, even though he didn’t take it well at first, but he hadn’t really shown up the interest to Blaine’s and Kurt’s relationship.

“You didn’t broke up, didn’t you?” his mother inquired carefully.

“I.. uhm, honestly, don’t know,” Blaine confessed. “It’s.. messy and I haven’t talked with him for weeks.”

His parents didn’t speak for a while; they chewed their food and exchanged worried glances with each other.  Finally, his mother spoke up again.

“Blaine, honey, I think you should just go and talk with him.”

Blaine sighed. He knew that.

“I can’t do that, I.. don’t want to do that.”

“Everybody’s going to have to deal with their first heartbreak, Blaine,” his father uttered. That almost made Blaine want to hate him again. “Not every couple can.. make it, especially in this age.”

Blaine wanted to cry, tears started to build up again but he couldn’t let himself fall apart in front of his father.

“It’s.. complicated,” Blaine uttered then. “I’m sorry, I.. have to get out.”g

Blaine stood up and walked out of the house, not even knowing where he’s going, leaving his parents more confused and concerned than ever.

Kurt didn’t know how but somehow he found himself eating dinner with Chandler. Blaine hadn’t called, or texted and he missed him. He missed him like crazy and he didn’t know where they were standing. He was sad and broken, totally shut down again, just like year ago. Rachel was in New York and even if she called, Kurt couldn’t make himself to pick up the phone even if he wanted to. Mercedes had tried to talk, so had Tina and even Santana, but Kurt didn’t let them in. They didn’t know what was going on exactly but they knew enough.

It started out quite innocently and sweetly when Kurt was bored and all sad again as he was lying in his bed all day long and held the pillow, wishing it was Blaine. Chandler had called to ask some advice on sheet music. They had texted a few times before that but this was the first time for them to really talk. Chandler understood immediately from Kurt’s voice that something was wrong, so he tried to get the problem out of him, but Kurt refused to talk about it. So instead he had asked Kurt out, saying that Kurt needs a fresh air and some good time. Kurt was hesitant at first, but agreed then in condition to not talk about New York.

“It’s a date,” Chandler had said before hanging up.

Kurt froze when he heard that because of obvious reasons. Because Kurt had a boyfriend.. or did he? Maybe Chandler had somehow just.. known that he and Blaine weren’t good anymore. Maybe that was a sign.. That he and Blaine weren’t boyfriends anymore. Maybe this really was final now.

So Kurt went with, he was on a date with Chandler and so far it was wonderful. He had great time with him, he was a fun guy. They went to a movie and then walked around the city towards to the Breadstix while talking about the movie. It wasn’t the same as it was with Blaine, but it was alright because Kurt needed somebody. He needed to know that somebody cared and was willing to make him better with caring touches and hugs, just like Blaine did. They didn’t really touch, just walked really closely, but the idea that Chandler could be the next one to hold him like Blaine, was enough. That was enough, even though Kurt knew that Chandler was about to move to New York, just like Blaine.

Finally, Kurt took the step and reached out for Chandler’s warm hand. It wasn’t just as warm as Blaine’s and it was a lot smaller hand, but it was alright. Kurt thought, he couldn’t get used to this, he could be fine with this less warmer, smaller hand even if it wasn’t Blaine’s.

It was wonderful because Kurt could almost forget the feeling that made him want to cry. He hadn’t forgotten Blaine completely, but he wasn’t the only thing in Kurt’s mind anymore. It was wonderful before he heard a familiar voice behind them.

“Kurt?” Blaine mumbled because he wasn’t even sure if he saw right. When both boys turned around to the voice, Blaine knew immediately that yes, he saw right.

There he was: Kurt, walking down the street with this blonde guy they saw in music store a while ago, their fingers laced together. That was enough for Blaine to understand, what kind of evening it was for them.

“Blaine,” Kurt breathed with surprise and some kind of fear in his eyes. He quickly pulled away from the boy’s hand.

“I..ca-can’t believe this,” Blaine stuttered because talking was extra hard now. His heart sank down as he saw them and that made his head spin. “We haven’t even.. we’re not.. I can’t believe this.”

“Blaine,” Kurt said again with whining tone as the tear ran down his cheek. That tear meant nothing to Blaine then.

“I mean, I don’t want to jump on conclusions, but.. god Kurt.” His voice broke. This was it, this was final, he knew it. “I just.. can’t believe you.”

“Blaine, don’t.. please,” Kurt whimpered but this time Blaine decided not to go with it. Kurt had been the one to leave Blaine for too many times, now was Blaine’s turn.

He breathed out and simply shook his head as he turned around to walk away. Kurt didn’t even follow.

“You were right,” Blaine stated to his parents when walked back into the house. “Not everyone can make it.”

His parents watched as he walked upstairs to his room but didn’t say a word.