Chris offered to take the first watch that night, while Kurt, Blaine, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion all got some sleep.  He was looking forward to having a bit of privacy to contact Darren.

Tapping his magic mirror, Chris was surprised to see a familiar face that was decidedly not Darren's.  “Joey?”

“Oh, wow!  This thing really does work!  I thought Darren was just fucking with my brain.”

“Uh, yeah…  What exactly has Darren told you?”

“Oh, he spent the entire first leg of our flight spinning this huge cock-and-bull story.  I don't know which part was the most far-fetched — the idea that you might currently be residing in the land of Oz, or the notion that you'd actually date his sorry ass.”

Darren's indignant face popped into view behind Joey.  “Hey!  I leave to check the departure board for one minute, and I come back to find you bad-mouthing me to my boyfriend.”

Joey reached one hand back and ruffled Darren's shaggy curls playfully.  “Sorry man.  You know I love you, but you've gotta admit he's way out of your league.”

“Shhhh!  You know that, and I know that, but so far Chris hasn't caught on.  I'd like to keep it that way.”

“Sorry, Darren,” Chris teased.  “Cat's out of the bag, now.  I guess I'll have to find myself somebody better.  I met a Scarecrow today who's impressively flexible.  Or I could hook up with the Tin Woodman — I'll bet he could stay hard for hours…”

Joey hooted with laughter.  Darren snatched the mirror out of his hand and pouted at Chris.

Chris leaned forward and sang, in a low voice, meant only for Darren to hear:

Nobody does it better

Makes me feel sad for the rest

Nobody does it half as good as you

Baby, you're the best

Smirking, Darren murmured back conspiratorially, “You just wait…”

“Okay, okay,” Joey said, nudging his way back into view, “I can see for myself that this magic mirror thing actually works.  And against all laws of nature, it sounds like you two really are together.  So tell me the truth, Chris.  Where exactly are you?”

“At this very moment?  We're camped at the edge of the Winkie Country.”

Joey snorted.  “Winkie Country?  Is that some kind of kids' book version of Penis Land?”

“Oh!  Oh!” Darren cried.  “Me and My Winkie!  That's totally what we should have called our musical.  I tried to tell you Me and My Dick was too crass.  If we'd called it Me and My Winkie, I'll bet we could've reached a much wider audience.”

Wrapping an arm around Darren, Joey began to sing:

I wanna hold you all night long

And cuddle til were blue

Ill hold you in a tight embrace

I know it seems taboo

But I have to have you with me now

I have to have you kinky

I love you more than anything

My winkie!

Darren — never one to pass up an opportunity to perform as a singing penis — chimed in:

I like being with you

(I like being with you) Joey echoed.

And you like being with me

(You like being with me)

Then in perfect harmony they sang:

Were just the best of friends

As anyone can see

People say its quite unlikely

The two of us should be kinky

But I just tell them... hey!

Its me and my winkie!

Chris was nearly crying with laughter by the end of their song.  Belatedly, he realized that he'd been catching glimpses of other people in the background the whole time.

“Oh my god.  Please tell me you two are not in public somewhere!”

“Um…  We're in the international terminal at JFK.  We've got a layover in New York before our flight to London.”

“Darren!  Ryan will kill you if that ends up on youtube.”

“Nah.  With you trapped in another dimension, I'm sure he's got much more important stuff to worry about than whether or not I'm offending Middle America.”

“Hey,” Joey cut in, “they're pre-boarding our flight.  We'd better get going.”

“Okay.  Wish me luck.  If everything goes as planned, I'll see you both in London tomorrow.”

…

The following afternoon, armed with buckets of water that they had drawn from a conveniently located well, the six unlikely companions made their way up to the Witch's castle.  Only five of them were enthusiastic about their quest.

Chris was determined to rescue Mother Goose and retrieve the potion that would take him home.  Kurt and Blaine were excited about the next phase of their adventure.  The Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman were focused on getting a brain and a heart, respectively.  The Cowardly Lion, though, was shaking so hard that water kept sloshing out of his bucket.

“Are you sh-sh-sh-sure that water will melt the Witch?”

“Yes,” Chris reassured him, for the umpteenth time.  “Just stick with the plan, and you'll be perfectly safe.  We'll all surround the Witch, show her our buckets, and demand that she release Mother Goose.  She'll probably give in right away.  But if she doesn't, all we have to do is throw this water on her and she'll melt into nothingness.”

The Scarecrow patted the Cowardly Lion comfortingly on the back.  “And then, Mother Goose will reward you by giving you some courage.  Won't that be worth it?”

“I g-g-g-guess so.  But I wish I had some courage n-n-now…”

As they entered the castle, Chris held a finger to his lips.  A cackling laugh came drifting down the hallway.  Motioning for the others to follow him, Chris moved towards the sound.

As they tiptoed into the room at the end of the hall, they were greeted by an unexpected sight.  Mother Goose and the Wicked Witch of the West sat with their arms around each other, gazing into a crystal ball and laughing uproariously.

“Sure took you all long enough,” Mother Goose giggled, looking up and gesturing at their buckets.  “What were you planning to do with that stuff?” 

“Um…” Chris began.  “Well, we thought we might need to threaten the Witch so that she'd let you go.”

“Oh, Elphaba is my bosom friend.  I'd hate to see her come to a melty end.”

“So, you're not being held captive?” Kurt tried to clarify.

“Being held captive?  Of course I'm not.  I've just been hanging with my pal and drinking a lot.”

The last bit, Chris could easily believe.  Mother Goose was slurring and rhyming up a storm, as she always did when inebriated.

Blaine, the consummate gentleman, stepped forward and held out his hand to the Witch.  “I suppose we should introduce ourselves.  I'm Blaine, and this is my husband, Kurt, and my friends Chris, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Lion.  We're sorry to come barging into your home like this, but we thought Mother Goose was your prisoner.  After all, you seemed — understandably — very upset about your sister's unfortunate demise.”

“That bitch?  I never liked her anyway.  April here did me a favor!”

“Oh.  Well, uh, good, then,” Blaine said, somewhat taken aback.

After being nudged repeatedly by the Scarecrow, Chris finally took the hint.  “So, Mother Goose, even though you didn't really need us to rescue you, our friends here were willing to risk their lives to come to your aid.  They were hoping you could use your magic to help them, in return.”

“Oh, if I could, I surely would.  But in this land, my magic's no good.  It's true, although I'm sad to tell.  I cannot cast a single spell.”

The Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion all slumped in disappointment.

“Maybe my magic will work in the next land we try.  Let's pick another book and kiss this place goodbye,” Mother Goose slurred, pulling the books from her bag and laying them on the table.

“Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,” the Scarecrow said wistfully.  “What a marvelous title.  If I only had a brain, I'd love to read that book.”

“Wait,” Chris said.  “How did you know the title?”

“It's written right on the cover.”

“But how did you know what it said?”

“I read the words.”

There was a pause, as everyone absorbed the implications.  Then the Scarecrow literally jumped for joy.

“I can read!  I can read!  It's a miracle!  I have a brain!!!”

Kurt, Blaine, Chris, and the Tin Woodman clapped him on the back, sharing his elation.  The Cowardly Lion, however, seemed even more dejected.

“It's all very well and good for you,” he groused, “being able to read about Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  But I'm too much of a coward to even listen to stories about adventures, let alone ever have any of my own.  I wish I had some courage.”

“What do you mean, you'll never have any adventures of your own?” Kurt asked.  “What do you think this whole quest to rescue Mother Goose has been, if not an adventure?  And a potentially dangerous one, too.”

“But you saw me.  I was shaking with fear the whole time.  I'm just a scaredy cat.”

“Having courage doesn't mean you never feel afraid,” Blaine said.  “Having courage means refusing to let your fear stop you from doing what you want to do.  I learned that from the bravest man I know.”

Blaine gazed adoringly at his husband, who gave him a quick kiss before turning back to the Lion.

“Take a look around you,” Kurt urged.  “You're standing in the Witch's castle.  Most people would call this a pretty scary place.  But coming here was important to you, so you conquered your fear and did it.  You already have all the courage you need.”

The Lion straightened his spine and puffed out his chest at these words.

Blaine interlaced his fingers with Kurt's, bringing their linked hands to his lips.  “Well said.”

The Tin Woodman looked back and forth between the two of them.  “What I want more than anything is to find a love like yours someday,” he said longingly.  “But it will never happen, because I don't have a heart.”  And with that, he burst into tears.

The others rushed to comfort him.  

“Why are you crying?” Kurt asked kindly.

“Because I'll never be able to experience the kind of love that you and Blaine share,” he wailed.  “And it's breaking my heart.”

“It's breaking what?” Blaine asked.

“My heart…  Oh!  Oh!  I must have a heart after all!  Wow — this is kind of painful.  Why did I want one of these, again?”

Kurt only had eyes for Blaine as he answered, “Because all of the heartache in the world is worth it for the chance at true love.”