~*~*~*~

It had taken Kurt about half an hour to calm himself down enough to make his way out of the school parking lot and back home. He was thankful that it was Friday and that he'd have two full days without having to walk those halls... but he still had a wedding to plan and a family to spend time with as well as his plans with Blaine and Mercedes. He couldn't lock himself in his room all weekend as much as he might want to.

For tonight, however, that was exactly what he was going to do. He told his father he had wedding plans to go through that he didn't want the other to see and had grabbed something quick for supper and gone downstairs. He'd managed to keep himself in control in front of his father for that small amount of time but once he was back in his room again he could already feel the tears slipping down his cheek.

He placed the wrap he'd made for himself on the desk before plopping himself down on the chair. He'd locked the door so his father wouldn't be able to come in. He knew he was safe to just... let it all out. His father wouldn't hear unless he had his ear to the door or something silly like that.

He pushed the food away and put his arms on the desk, head resting against his hands as he sobbed, shivering uncontrollably. He could still feel Karofsky's hands on him... he could even swear he could still feel the others saliva on his limp flesh. It had all felt so amazing... and that was the worst part.

Kurt wanted to throw up with disgust... he hated himself. He hated his body for betraying him. Why... why did this all have to happen to him? Why couldn't Karofsky just... leave him alone? He almost wished Karofsky would find someone else to torment... but no... he would never wish that on another soul... ever.

He sat there and cried for what felt like an eternity before he finally just... couldn't cry anymore. His head was pounding as he pulled it off his arms, groaning softly as he brushed a hand over his cheek to wipe away the tear stains before he brought his hands to his head for a few seconds, clenching his eyes shut.

His body still trembled and his mind was still littered with confused and frightened and angry thoughts. His throat was sore as he finally sat up straight in the chair, staring at the wall in front of him with an almost blank expression. He stared hard at the wall just blocking everything out... pushing everything away as he brought one hand up to run over his arm, seeking out one of the worst of his bruises.

He needed it... he needed the pain... the distraction. When he found it he pressed hard against it, rubbing at it and squeezing at it. He winced and let out a groan of pain. It wasn't enough though... it wasn't nearly enough. He finally pulled his hand from his arm, slapping both hands on his desk as he tensed.

He let out a growl of frustration, not loud enough for his father to hear, but loud enough to echo through his room. He finally pushed his chair back and yanked open the desk drawer. He stared at the small keepsake box that rested there, frowning and gnawing on his bottom lip.

He finally reached out with shaking fingers to grab the box. Once his fingers were around it he quickly brought it up to rest on the desk, closing the drawer and opening it. He stared at the contents at the top for a few seconds before he pulled them up and stared down at the razors he'd hidden there the other day.

He took a deep breath before he reached in and grabbed one, letting the contents of the box slip back over the other one as he moved his arm to rest on the desktop. He knew this was dangerous... and stupid... but he needed it... he needed the pain and the bruises just weren't doing it for him anymore.

He couldn't help but remember the pain from the cut on his hand... the relief it had given him to press his fingers into it. But it was gone now... besides, it had been in  far too obvious a place... if he was going to do this... he didn't want anyone to find out. He needed somewhere where no one would notice...

He ran his fingers over the fleshy part of his upper arm. At least if he did it there he could hide it. He knew most people worked around their wrists but that would be far too obvious a place. He'd have to wear long sleeves every day to hide it and what if something happened and his sleeve slipped up or something... no... he couldn't do it there.

He couldn't actually believe he was seriously contemplating this but he knew he couldn't turn back now... he wanted this... he needed it. He took a deep breath at this point as he held out his arm, shivering a bit. He had a first aid kit in his washroom and he knew it was stockpiled with bandages and medical tape.

He could do this... He just needed to be careful... not too deep... not too often... He nodded again at this as he brought the hand with the razor up, aiming it for the underside of his upper arm, a ways above the crook of his elbow, high enough that he should be able to keep it hidden.

He shivered as he pressed the blade to the skin, taking a shaky breath as he bit his bottom lip. He gave a little pressure and took a deep calming breath before just doing it... he let his hand move quickly, slicing before he lost his nerve and couldn't do it.

"Fuck shit!" Kurt hissed out, wincing and shivering before dropping the razor to the ground. He stilled himself as he shook a bit, pain shooting through his arm and right to his brain. He finally opened his eyes which he'd clenched shut when the pain had hit and looked down at his arm.

Blood was pooling around the cut, dripping down the sides. It wasn't a lot... but it was enough to make him want to be sick. At the same time, however, it felt good... his mind was now more focused on his injury then anything else. He didn't need to think about Karofsky or the wedding or the lies he had to tell every single day... of the masks he had to plaster on his face every morning and hold throughout the day.

Right now he was only focused on the cut and quickly stood, the razor forgotten for now as he moved to the washroom. He quickly took out the first aid kit and began to meticulously clean and bandage his cut. If he was doing this he was going to do it right. He was not going to let it get infected...

Once he'd tended to the cut he sighed and looked over into the mirror on the back of the door, frowning as he looked himself over. He looked paler then usual and he'd lot some weight. He could see the shadowered outline of his ribs starting to show through.

He stared like that for a few minutes before pulling the door open and heading into the other room after picking up the razor from the floor and washing and drying it thouroughly. He placed the razor back into the box and put the box back into his drawer, closing it before sitting at the desk with a sigh.

He glanced to the wrap that still sat there untouched and finally reached out for it, picking it up and beginning to eat. He didn't feel as sick to his stomach as he had before. He'd done it... he'd done what he'd been thinking about for at least a week or two and it had been... ok... it hadn't been that bad and he felt better... and he was being careful about it too... So, it would be fine...

He wasn't worried anymore... he wasn't frantic... he felt calm... collected... He felt... stronger? Ya... sort of... He felt like he could handle things better now. He was strong enough to do that to himself... to bite back the fear and cause himself physical harm... to hurt himself in order to make himself feel better...

He knew many people would see that as a weakness but he couldn't... he just felt stronger now. He had done something to himself most people would never even think about doing. He had taken control of his own body for once... he had made it feel what he wanted it to feel instead of the other way around. He'd finally gotten control and he didn't want to loose it.

He couldn't help but smile a bit as he ate before finally heading upstairs after making sure his bandages were hidden. He spent the rest of the night with his father, spending much needed time with him. For all Kurt knew he wouldn't even have to do that again... he felt like he could do anything now... maybe he'd just needed that one time? Maybe...

~*~*~*~

Kurt rested comfortably that night, feeling relaxed, his mind quiet for once. He woke up well rested as he opened his eyes and looked around his room. He shifted to sit up, wincing a bit when his cut rubbed against his side but he couldn't help but admit that it felt... not good... but... he couldn't describe it...

It was almost like... It was like he knew that he'd caused that... that he'd taken control of his own body and he'd done that. It hadn't been Karofsky... or Azimio or anyone else on the football team... it hadn't been anyone in Glee or any cheerleaders or other stupid students at his school... no... He had taken control of his life... put his life in his own hands... and he had done it to himself.

He frowned at the shiver that ran down his spine at the thought as he shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. He couldn't help but imagine how good of a distraction it would be too... in school when he was being pushed around... taunted and tormented... all he'd have to do was press his injured arm closer to his body as he walked and the distraction would be there... the light twinge of pain... the reminder that he was in control.

He smiled a bit at this point as he pushed off the bed. He didn't feel angry with himself anymore either... it was like... he'd punished himself enough... for now... He'd punished his body for wanting Karofsky's touch... punished himself for enjoying it and for not fighting back... Punished himself for keeping it all bottled up inside and not telling anyone... he still wouldn't tell anyone but at least he kind of didn't feel guilty for it anymore... sort of...

He sighed after a moment as he grabbed his phone, smiling brightly when he saw a text from Blaine had come in. He quickly opened it and grinned as he read. He'd almost forgotten that he had plans with Blaine and Mercedes today.

Blaine: morning sleepyhead. You awake yet? Was wondering if you are up for a coffee at the Lima Bean.

Kurt: You, Mr. Anderson, certainly know your way to a caffeine addicted heart.

Blaine: ;) I try

Kurt chuckled softly and smiled. Today was going to be fantastic... Coffee with Blaine then mall with him and 'Cedes. Shopping, talking, vegetarian pizza and some of the worlds greatest musicals. He knew they were doing this specifically for him but he didn't mind. It made him feel loved truth be told. He finally sighed and replied to Blaine.

Kurt: So are we meeting there or did you want to pick me up?

Blaine: I'll pick you up. Be there in an hour.

Kurt: I'll be ready.

Kurt slipped out of bed and headed towards the washroom at this point. He checked himself in the mirror before taking a shower and doing his usual moisturizing routine. He then slipped into the outfit he'd set out for himself the night before.

By the time he was done he had about five minutes before Blaine was due to arrive. He headed upstairs and grabbed a banana for breakfast, his father smiling brightly to him, glad to see him eating something. Before he'd even finished the doorbell rang and Kurt took the last bite, tossing the peel on the way to answer the door.

He swallowed and brushed his fingers through his bangs before taking a deep breath and smiling. He gave a nod then pulled open the door, beaming at Blaine who chuckled at him and uttered out, "someone's happy this morning... I'm glad. It's nice to see a genuine smile on your face, Kurt."

"What in the world would I have to be sad about today. Have you looked at our agenda today? It's not even my birthday but it almost feels like it," Kurt chuckled, "thank you for this, though. Seriously, I've been so overwhelmed with school and Glee Club and the wedding..."

"And the bullying?" Blaine piped up after a moment causing Kurt's smile to falter, "Can we not talk about that today? Please? I don't want to think about stuff like that. Today is for the three f's... Friends, family and fun. No bullied allowed."

"Alright, alright," Blaine said with a bright smile, nodding, "I just worry about you, you know. We haven't known each other long but I know what it's like. I hate to see you sad or hurt. But for today... It's all about enjoying ourselves. Now lets get some caffeine into our caffeine deprived bodies."

"To the Lima Bean!" Kurt piped up with a chuckle as he followed behind Blaine, slipping into the passenger seat of his BMW.

~*~*~*~

Kurt beamed as he and Blaine listened to the radio in the others car, coffee in hand as they headed for the mall, an extra one for Mercedes.

"Cause, Baby, you're a firework!" Blaine sang out, "come on show 'em what you're worth!"

"Make 'em go oh, oh, oh," Kurt sang in, "as you shoot across the sky-y-y!"

"Baby you're a firework!" Blaine chimed in, "come on let your colors burst!"

"Make 'em go oh, oh, oh!" Kurt continued, "you're gonna leave 'em falling down, down, down!"

The two continued like this until they reached the mall, Mercedes waiting for them at the entrance. Kurt smiled as Blaine shut the car off and slipped out, Kurt hopping out after him holding his and Mercedes coffees.

"Ooh! Coffee, coffee, coffee!" Mercedes chuckled as she grabbed it, taking a big whiff, "thank you Boo. I so needed this. Totally did not want to get out of bed this morning," she beamed, taking a sip and humming contentedly as both Kurt and Blaine chuckled at her, causing her to shush them, "you do not get to make fun of me... You are both as caffeine addicted as I am."

Kurt chuckled again and nodded, holding up his coffee before they all took a sip in unison before turning to head into the mall.

They spent their time looking at clothes, teasing Blaine about his bowties playfully and trying on clothes together. They had fun trying on things they'd normally never wear then all coming out of the change rooms at the same time and laughing at how ridiculous they looked.

They bought a few things and took pictures in a photo booth, Kurt on Blaine's lap looking silly with his legs and arms splayed out and Mercedes poking her head in on the other side and giving a blushing Blaine bunny ears. Kurt hadn't had this much fun in a long time and Karofsky and the bullying issue never came up and Kurt never even thought about any of it.

Before he knew it they were bowling, Kurt proving to both his closest friends that he had no aim what-so-ever. They had a blast though and Blaine and Mercedes proved to be good competition for each other and would playfully tease and encourage Kurt. Kurt, of course, didn't care if he was loosing. He was having fun and that was all that mattered.

They stopped off to grab pizza after bowling and headed to Kurt's place, Burt off with Carole for the evening. They plopped themselves on the couch, Kurt between Blaine and Mercedes as they started watching sound of music. Blaine, of course, couldn't help but point out that Kurt had the same name as one of the kids in the show.

Kurt just smiled warmly and nodded, chuckling softly, "and that is one of the many reasons this is one of my top favourite musicals," he stated matter-of-factly as Mercedes snuggled into his side, putting her head on his shoulder.

"You'd make a much better Kurt Von Trapp," Blaine piped up and Kurt chuckled softly as Mercedes lifted an eyebrow and smiled warmly. She was pretty sure there was an attraction between her two gay friends but she said nothing. They would have to figure this out on their own.

She pulled away from Kurt's shoulder after a moment as she reached out and grabbed a second slice of pizza, the boys following her lead and doing the same as they got comfortable for a long night of pizza, pop and movies.

Neither Blaine nor Mercedes had to worry about going home that night, Burt having given permission for them to spend the night on the condition that Blaine be sleeping on the couch and not in Kurt's room. Kurt had agreed with that reluctantly but understood why his father wanted that.

He was just happy his dad has said yes. Happy his father trusted him enough to allow another gay male to stay the night. And he was planning to enjoy every minute of it. This would be a long but wonderful night.

~*~*~*~

When Burt had come home that evening the three teens were watching Chicago and he'd given Kurt a quick hug and kiss before telling them not to stay up too late. He'd then slipped off to bed himself, exhausted from the long day he'd had.

When he came into the living room the next morning he couldn't help but sigh then chuckle as he saw the three teens asleep on the couch. Kurt's head was resting comfortably on Blaine's shoulder, Blaine's head resting on top of Kurt's with Mercedes resting on Kurt's other shoulder.

He could have been angry that they'd slept there together but he knew it was all innocent and they looked cute and comfortable there together... And most of all... Kurt looked happy. So, with that Burt slipped over and grabbed the blanket that had been left out for Blaine to use that night and draped it over the three.

He then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Kurt's forehead before smiling and nodding and slipping off to leave the three in peace. He figured he'd go and see If Carole wanted to go out for breakfast with him, maybe drag Finn along too if he was there, though he was probably with Rachel.

~*~*~*~