Chapter 11

The rain has let up by the time Kurt gets to the Lima Bean, so he stops outside the coffee shop and watches Blaine through the rain-splattered window for a few moments. He's sitting at a table nursing a tall cup of coffee and fidgeting just a bit. Every few seconds he adjusts some part of his outfit, then takes a sip and glances at the door. He doesn't see Kurt watching him from behind the glass, so Kurt just lingers a bit longer, watching … no, studying Blaine's every move.

It's like watching a choreographed routine being perfectly executed. Everything about it just feels right.

Despite the fluttery feeling in his chest and the complete adoration he feels toward Blaine, Kurt still won't let himself believe he's falling for this boy. He's afraid to get close and so he takes Blaine and neatly categorizes him into the box labeled friend.

Kurt likes labels because they help him make sense of a chaotic world. The first label Kurt remembers making him feel like the world had finally shifted and he could see everything clearly was "gay."

He distinctly remembers the first time he allowed himself to say that word out loud to another person. He had internally defined himself by that word for so long, but he'd never really admitted it to anyone before. But the second he told Mercedes he was gay, it was as if the universe came into alignment in front of his eyes. Suddenly everything was clearer and had its place. Kurt was gay. Mercedes was straight. Clarity.

So he's spent years making neat little categories for himself: free spirit, singer, loser, fashionista, best friend, son, stepbrother…gay. It's easy to know where he stands that way. So putting Blaine firmly in the friend column makes things easier. Any other label carries the weight of the unknown with it, and Kurt can't handle that kind of uncertainty. Not now.

But it doesn't mean he can't flirt a little. No harm in that, right? He's flirted his way through friendships in the past. It doesn't matter that Blaine is gay and flirts back. They can still just be friends.

Suddenly he has an idea and takes out his phone.

Kurt
You look lonely. Care for some company?

Kurt watches as Blaine picks up his phone and reads the text. His honey-colored eyes widen as he searches the café for Kurt and they absolutely sparkle when he spots Kurt just outside the window. Blaine smiles and waves him in.

Kurt returns the smile with a wide grin and makes his way into the Lima Bean and takes a seat across from Blaine.

They fall into an easy conversation and spend the rest of the afternoon alternating between working on Kurt's essay and chatting about music, movies, school, glee club…anything that crosses their minds. Blaine is surprisingly knowledgeable on Charlemagne, which Kurt finds incredibly endearing, even though he accuses Blaine of being a nerd.

When it comes time for them to part for the evening, Kurt feels as if no time is passed at all, and he immediately wishes the day could last forever. He enjoys Blaine's company so much that he doesn't have time to consider that maybe what he's feeling is a little stronger than friendship. But he's already labeled their relationship, so he chooses to ignore the adoring looks from Blaine and the flirty glances and the feeling of a foot brushing his under the table. Friendship is easier. Romance is messy.

Despite his determination to woo Kurt, Blaine is more confused than ever by his friend's behavior. Because they're definitely friends, right? Blaine is pretty sure Kurt enjoys hanging out with him, but the flirty texts, the shy glances and then nothing? It's all so confusing and wonderful and depressing and perfect.

If only he could read Kurt's thoughts.

After their first successful study "date," Blaine offers to help Kurt with his homework pretty regularly. They also go to the movies and go shopping and listen to music and sing along to their favorites. They talk about TV shows they watch and the awkward beginnings of romances among their friends. But they never talk about them.

They never talk about what they are to one another because Kurt makes it clear that he wants to stay friends. Or at least he thinks he wants to. Blaine recognizes the look of desire and affection in Kurt's eyes. He's sure that Kurt feels more than friendship for him, but for whatever reason he's denying himself the fulfillment of his desires.

So Blaine waits. Through coffee dates and movie nights, study sessions and flirty duets. He waits through three long weeks of the most exquisite tension and absolute agony of wanting to kiss Kurt and knowing he can't. He waits through Kurt's hand brushing his when they both reach to turn up the radio at the same time. He even manages to keep his hands to himself when they dance around Blaine's bedroom to ridiculous pop music.

But after three weeks of waiting and pushing down his feelings, Blaine nearly breaks while practicing a song for an audition for a community theatre production of Rent. They're on the third run-through of "Light My Candle" when Blaine suddenly feels like he can't breathe and maybe he'll die if he doesn't kiss Kurt soon.

It's not because they're singing together. They've done that a lot over the last few weeks. And it's not because Kurt is wearing that pair of jeans that make his ass look particularly delectable. He's worn them before – three times to be exact, not that Blaine counted. And Blaine is almost certain it's not because of the new way Kurt has been styling his hair these last few days. Even if it does frame his face perfectly and make his impossibly long neck look even longer and even more kissable. No, definitely not.

Well, those things might be a small factor, but mostly what finally breaks Blaine is the seductive way Kurt dances around Blaine's bedroom and looks right into his eyes when he sings the playful back-and-forth seduction of the song.

Why did he pick a song with lyrics like "I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs" and "They say I have the best ass below 14th street"? Why did he have to pick a duet to audition with? The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he picked it so he'd have an excuse to sing with Kurt again. But why did it have to be this song? A song that drips with sexual tension and turns a simple conversation into the most seductive game of cat and mouse with a painfully perfect give and take. At this point it's basically a metaphor for Kurt and Blaine's relationship and it's killing him.

With every glance, Kurt's beautiful eyes pull him in closer and make Blaine's head spin. With every flick of Kurt's hips, Blaine's thoughts drift back to Kurt dancing in his lap, with his shirt off and his hair grazing Blaine's chin.

With each word of the song falling from his deliciously pink lips, Kurt seems to plead with Blaine to kiss him. When Blaine sings "You look like you're sixteen," and Kurt answers with "I'm nineteen, but I'm old for my age," his eyes rake over Blaine's body seductively. In that moment, Blaine thinks he's never seen a woman play Mimi as perfectly as Kurt is playing it now.

As Kurt softly sings out "I'm just born to be bad," Blaine feels as if his pants have shrunk two sizes while he's wearing them, and he misses a note as he responds with "I once was born to be bad."

Kurt ignores Blaine's slip up, and continues to sing, pitch perfect as always. His eyes are locked on Blaine as he waits for Blaine's next line.

"We could light the candle," Blaine sings, pouring extra meaning into his words.

Kurt leans into Blaine, close enough for his breath to tickle Blaine's face: "Oh what'd you do with my candle?"

Blaine feels like he's almost on auto pilot, the lyrics are already etched into his brain. As the song builds to its conclusion, they both seemed to have forgotten that Mimi is trying to leave Roger's apartment and have instead begun circling around one another playfully. Kurt reaches for Blaine's hands, moving closer and singing softly and clearly.

"Cold hands."

"Yours too."

It's too much. The air feels thick and hot and not at all like it should be for this song. They're supposed to be freezing and shivering, but Kurt's hands are warm in his. And Blaine can't be sure because he could be acting, playing the part of Mimi very well, but he thinks Kurt might be shaking. He looks up at Kurt, a question on his face.

But they don't even finish the song because from the moment they clasped hands, neither has moved. Their eyes are locked on each other and their breathing is heavy and fast. Kurt's lips move as if he wants to say something, but no sound comes out. Blaine searches his face for a sign that it's OK to move, anything that lets him know this is their moment. He needs to see a flash of something, something that says, "I know we said 'just friends' but I want more."

I want to kiss you. I want you … always and forever. Please tell me it's OK to kiss you.

But before Blaine can figure out what he should do, Kurt licks his lips and surges forward, his mouth colliding with Blaine's. His lips are slightly parted, making it clear he's offering more than a peck. So without giving it a second thought, Blaine takes the offer. His tongue slides effortlessly across Kurt's, like they've done this a thousand times. Only they haven't. This is the one thing Blaine has wanted more than anything since he first met Kurt, and it's warm and sweet and even better than he imagined. It's everything.

But then Kurt's hand is in his hair and he's pulling Blaine in closer. The sudden movement sends a rush of blood to Blaine's lower half. He almost struggles to move his left hand up to cup Kurt's jaw, resting his right on Kurt's waist and subconsciously pulling him in closer. When he feels the firm press of Kurt's erection against his thigh he moans softly and thrusts his hips forward to meet Kurt's. The contact draws a high-pitched gasp from Kurt and he pushes forward into Blaine, their hardening cocks pressing together hotly between them.

The only sound that can be heard in the room is the rub of denim on denim and the occasional moan or sigh as the friction drives them both closer and closer to climax. All that matters in that moment is Kurt. Blaine can feel him and taste him and touch him and smell him. He relishes the smooth feel of his skin as he brushes his hand along Kurt's jawline.

"Kurt, you're so …. I'm just…" Blaine can't form a complete sentence because Kurt is everywhere.

And then suddenly he's gone. His words have broken the spell and Kurt has pulled away, his hand covering his mouth and panic screaming from behind his eyes.

"Oh god," Kurt says. "Oh god. I have to go. I've got to…I mean. I need to just…I'm going."

"Kurt, wait," Blaine pleads, but Kurt is frantically searching for his keys. When he finds them and turns for the door, Blaine grabs him by the arm. Kurt jerks away, but Blaine is persistent and grabs his arm again. Kurt turns to face Blaine and his eyes are swimming with tears.

"I really should go, Blaine. Please…just let me go."

Blaine releases his grip on Kurt's arm and just stares at him blankly. He doesn't understand. What went wrong? But he knows he won't get any answers from Kurt tonight, so he lets him go. He just lets him walk out the door, and it damn near breaks his heart.

"Cooper, I'm not sure I can keep doing this."

"What happened, little brother? You sound awful."

Cooper had gone home after spending a couple weeks at the Anderson residence for Blaine's birthday, but Blaine had kept him updated on his developing friendship with Kurt through texts and brief phone calls. Over the last few weeks, Cooper had reassured him more than once that Kurt was interested, but Blaine just kept insisting that Kurt just wanted to be friends.

"It's the little things," he told Cooper after that first week of coffee, homework and movies. "Like he keeps saying 'I'm so lucky to have a friend like you' and 'None of my other friends understand me like you do.' It's like he's going out of his way to use the word friend as much as possible."

Every time Cooper had responded with something along the lines of "He's just trying to convince himself he doesn't like you in that way" or "Oh, please, Blaine, could he be any more obvious?"

So Blaine steels himself for the inevitable as he tells Cooper about what happened in his bedroom Sunday night. It's now Tuesday evening, and he's run through the scene about a hundred different times, and still he can't figure out what went wrong. Kurt had made the first move. Blaine had simply reacted. So why does he feel guilty and confused and scared?

"So how many times does that make?" Cooper asks, laughing.

"Shut up. I'm seriously freaking out. I haven't talked to him since Sunday." Blaine is pleading with Cooper now, and he's near tears, although, he's desperately trying to hide that from his brother.

"Sorry," Cooper says biting back his laughter. "I'm sorry. Really. It's just…well, how many times can one person run away before he realizes what he's running from?"

"What?"

Blaine's mouth has gone dry and he's so confused. He wishes Cooper would just get to the point already. He's too tired for riddles. He's been thinking about nothing but this for two days straight. He was so distracted in school that even Sebastian noticed. Stupid, oblivious, snarky Sebastian. God, that had been a low point, getting asked if he wanted a blowjob in the middle of Warbler practice.

Cooper's response pulls Blaine from his internal brow beating he's giving himself.

"Oh, come on…it's obvious, isn't it?"

"Well, obviously not," Blaine says, no longer bothering to hide his frustration with his older brother. "Can you just spell it out for me? I'm mentally exhausted."

"Alright, alright. God, you're messed up over this," Cooper's tone is still teasing a bit, but it's also softer now. "He's just scared, B. You need to talk to him. You'll both figure it out eventually, but he's scared. Ask him why. Maybe he'll tell you."

"Do you really think it's that simple?" Blaine's voice is barely a whisper, but it must still be loud enough for the phone to have picked it up because Cooper replies to Blaine's question.

"Oh, it's anything but simple. But the only way to find out is to ask. You have to talk to him. No other way."

"I hate you, you know that," Blaine says, sounding resigned.

"I know, but you won't hate me once this is resolved," Cooper replies. "I have to go. Let me know how it goes."

"Sure…thanks, Coop."

Blaine throws his phone down on his bed and flops down beside it, landing face down on his comforter.

Why does this have to be so complicated?

Before the incident in Blaine's bedroom, Kurt had made plans for Blaine to help him rehearse for his NYADA audition. But that was before. Now Kurt's not sure where they stand.

So after a restless Sunday night, he spends most of Monday replaying the incident in his head. He's so out of it by the time he gets to the choir room that afternoon, that he doesn't even criticize Rachel's outfit, which as Santana points out, looks like she bought it off a life-sized Cabbage Patch Kid.

Of course Rachel is too caught up in trying to wrangle another solo out of Mr. Schue for nationals to notice that Kurt was acting funny until Mercedes asks her, "What's up with my boy Kurt? He's hardly said a word all day."

Rachel might be self-absorbed, but she's also pretty observant. If Kurt hasn't clued Mercedes in to what's troubling him, it probably involves work, or as has been the case more often than not these days, Blaine.

"Rachel, I screwed everything up," Kurt whines into the phone later that night after Rachel finally gets him to admit something happened with him and Blaine.

"I'm sure you didn't. Just talk to him. You can't avoid him forever you know."

"I know," Kurt sighs. "It's just so complicated. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I can't get involved right now. I'm leaving for New York in the fall."

"We're leaving, Kurt."

"God, Rachel, I know you're ambitious, but can we focus on me for a minute? This is important."

"Sorry, sorry. Tell me what's wrong. Did you mess up the harmony on your duet? I told you to pick a different song. I knew you couldn't hit those lower notes. It's at the bottom of your register and…"

"RACHEL, will you shut up?" he shouts into the phone, interrupting Rachel and earning a shocked squeak out of his friend. "Sorry," he says at a more normal volume. "It's just I'm really upset and I need to talk to someone. Can you please be my friend for a second instead of a raving lunatic?"

His pleading tone pulls Rachel out of her rambling monologue.

"My lips are sealed," she says meekly. "Not a peep."

"I might have made out with Blaine."

Kurt can hear Rachel squealing with delight at the other end of the line and he rolls his eyes at her.

"Oh my gosh, Kurt. Oh my gosh! This is perfect. Did you kiss him or did he kiss you? Was it perfect? Oh my gosh…I bet it was perfect!"

"RACHEL!"

"Sorry."

"I ran off again."

"Oh, Kurt…no," Rachel says, her tone chastising yet sympathetic.

"I know. I just can't control myself when I'm around him. It's like I try to be normal and just friendly and then it's like my hormones take over and I'm some sex-crazed maniac. And I like him…I really do. But I'm leaving. We're leaving. And it's just not fair."

"It's such a perfect tragic romance, though."

Leave it to Rachel to think Kurt's heartbreak is romantic.

"Are you serious?"

"Every artist needs to experience heartbreak. It's good for the craft," she insists.

"You are crazy. I don't know why I confide in you."

"Because we're more alike than you care to admit and I'm brilliant. Plus I have a certain undeniable star quality. It pulls people in."

Kurt sniffs into the phone, glad Rachel can't see the condescending look on his face. Before he can speak, Rachel is at it again.

"I think you need to tell him how you feel. He's a performer too; he should understand the needs of a soon-to-be Broadway star to not form romantic attachments so soon before leaving for college."

"I suppose you're right, Rachel. I need to be honest with him."

"Exactly. Now about my solo for nationals. What did you think about the idea I had about Sondheim?"

Kurt lets Rachel ramble on for a bit about nationals, interjecting the occasional "mmhmm" and "your voice would be great on that" until he can get her off the phone.

When he finally hangs up, his head is throbbing and his throat is scratchy from talking so long. He rests his head on his desk, thinking about what Rachel said. He needs to tell Blaine that he just wants to be friends, even if it is sort of a lie. Even if it will break him. Because he can't let anything get in the way of his dreams, even if the thing getting in the way seems like a dream in itself.

And anyway, he and Blaine haven't even spoken since Sunday and Kurt has to work this weekend. There hasn't been much time to get together, and it's not the kind of conversation Kurt wants to have through texts or over the phone.

He can't decide what to do about Blaine, so he does nothing. The next night he receives a text from Blaine.

Blaine
Can we get coffee after school on Wednesday?

Coffee. That's not awkward at all. They can just get together for coffee. Coffee is normal, familiar. It will be fine.

Kurt
Sure. Usual time?

Blaine
Yeah.

Blaine
Looking forward to it. I've missed you. x

Kurt just stares blankly at Blaine's last text, using every ounce of his willpower to not reply with "Me too. x." But if he's going to draw the line at friendship, he can't keep flirting back. He just can't. No matter how much he may want to.

God, this is awkward. Why does this have to be so complicated?

Kurt's idea to explain things to Blaine when they meet for coffee doesn't exactly go as planned. First, there's the way Blaine's eyes sparkle when he sees Kurt waiting for him at their usual table. Then there's the way he hangs on Kurt's every word, and the way he asks Kurt about his day. No one ever does that. And of course, he had to thank him for rehearsing with him and do it without even a hint of awkwardness.

The sincerity this asshole projects with his stupid face ought to be illegal.

Then there's the way Blaine apologizes to him for being inappropriate. He says he knows Kurt just wants to be friends and he should have stopped it and it's all his fault.

Is this guy for real?

"No, it's my fault," Kurt says. "I like you. I really, really like you. But I'm leaving for New York in a few months and I just can't get attached."

"I know, Blaine says, looking down at the table. And he looks so sad, Kurt feels like his heart might shatter into a million pieces right there in the damned coffee shop with a stupid Lionel Ritchie song playing in the background. He can feel the tears begin to prickle behind his eyes and he blinks to try to contain them before they spill over and ruin everything.

Suddenly Blaine looks up and meets Kurt's watery gaze with his gorgeous hazel eyes.

"Kurt, I really care about you, and I don't want to screw this up. Please can we still be friends?"

Kurt looks at Blaine, his eyes lighting up and the threat of tears almost gone.

"You mean you still want to be friends?"

"Of course, silly," Blaine says, smiling. But then something occurs to him and his face falls. "Well, unless you don't want to be friends," he adds.

"No, no. I do. You're my best friend," Kurt says earnestly.

"Me too," Blaine says giving Kurt a warm smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle adorably.

Seriously, who is this guy?

Kurt's heart feels lighter somehow, and his mood has improved. There's still a twinge of anxiety pulling on his heart, but Kurt shoves it aside because he really wants to talk about anything else in right now. Anything that will keep them here in this moment with Blaine looking at him like that.

"So, will you still help me with my audition piece?" he asks tentatively.

"Of course. What song were you thinking?" And Blaine's smile gets even bigger, warming Kurt right down to his toes.

Kurt is so relieved that Blaine can still be comfortable around him after he nearly sucked the poor guy's face off, that he falls easily back into conversation about his audition and ignores the gnawing, raw feeling in the pit of his stomach telling him this wasn't the plan. He forgets that he had planned to tell Blaine he needed a break from hanging out. And even though he knows better than to ignore his gut feeling, he ignores it because right now he simply doesn't care. He can't bring himself to care because Blaine is there and he's smiling and it's lighting up the entire fucking room, and there's no feeling like it in the world. And Kurt, for lack of a better word, is smitten.

By Friday, Blaine's nerves are on edge. Talking to Kurt earlier in the week has done nothing to take away the overwhelming anxiety that settled in and took hold ever since Kurt dashed out of his bedroom nearly a week ago. He knows Kurt is returning to Shades this weekend, so they won't be able to hang out as much even if things weren't weird, but it doesn't make him feel any better to know Kurt will be on stage, dancing and being ogled by dozens of men.

He settles in to his third period chemistry class and doodles distractedly in his notebook rather than taking notes. When Mr. Burke tells them to find their lab partners and work on the experiment, Blaine is still distracted, so he doesn't hear Sebastian approach.

"Hey partner, fancy meeting you here."

Why must he make everything into a line?

"Hi Sebastian," he says without looking up.

"You look out of it again, gorgeous," he says, leaning forward on the lab table and resting his chin in his hand. His eyes rake over Blaine suggestively. "My offer still stands if you need to relieve the … tension." As he says the last word, he reaches up to touch Blaine's lapel, making a show of adjusting it.

"No, thank you," Blaine responds a little more forcefully than he has done in the past, and pulling away from Sebastian's touch.

Sebastian glares at him slightly from across the table.

"You need to fucking lighten up, Anderson," Sebastian says rolling his eyes. "You're such a goddamned tease sometimes. It's infuriating."

"Will you just lay off?" Blaine nearly shouts. "I'm interested in someone else!"

Sebastian's eyes go wide and Blaine slaps his hand over his mouth, unsure of why he let that slip out.

"I mean…I just…. Shit."

Sebastian's eyes are gleaming, and he's practically laughing now.

"It's that twink, isn't it? The one I saw you with at the Lima Bean a few weeks ago." Sebastian's disapproval is apparent by the sneer on his face. He takes Blaine's silence as confirmation. "I should have known. He was so fucking possessive over you, and he barely even knew you. Jesus, Blaine. Could you go for a more stuck-up prude?"

"He's not a prude," Blaine retorts.

"Oh, I guarantee you he is," Sebastian hisses at Blaine. "Everything about him screams virgin. Give it up, Blaine. You're never getting any of that. I bet he's never even taken his shirt off in front of another guy before."

Blaine is suddenly so furious with Sebastian for insulting Kurt, his next words are out of his mouth before he can even think.

"He's a fucking exotic dancer, Smythe. I'm pretty sure he's been shirtless a time or two."

And just like that Blaine's day goes from bad to worse. The fragile shell of a friendship Blaine had built with Kurt comes crashing down around his ears in a matter of seconds as Sebastian sits up taller, leaning into Blaine and grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Wait…what?" he asks, interest obviously piqued.

Blaine cannot believe what just came out of his mouth, and after he swore to Kurt he'd never tell anyone. Maybe it's OK; maybe he can convince Sebastian to keep quiet. But it's Sebastian, and Blaine knows it will never be that easy.

"Shit. Sebastian, you can't say anything OK? Please. No one knows. He uses a stage name and everything."

What is with the verbal diarrhea? Shut up, Blaine!

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of saying a word," Sebastian says, feigning innocence and throwing a wink Blaine's way. "No wonder you're into this guy. I bet he's one hell of a bottom. He looks like the type of guy who would thrive on being dominated. Nice work, Anderson."

"Oh god," Blaine moans as he drops his head onto his forearms.

"Come on, Blaine," he says, nudging Blaine's shoulder. "Your secret is safe with me."

Blaine looks up hopefully. "Really?"

"Really," Sebastian replies, smiling. "With one condition..."

And there it is.

"Of course," Blaine says, swallowing as he feels the bile rising up in his throat. "What do you want?"

"You," he says simply. "I want you."