Blaine took a moment to fall backwards into a sitting position on his bed before he began what he knew would be a long night of trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Before he could even think about what he would say, Blaine grabbed his phone from his pocket and pressed Kurt on his speed dial.

Ring.

Ring. Ring.

“Hello, you’ve reached Kurt Hummel-,” Blaine didn’t even wait to hear the end of the message before he was hanging up and redialing. Ring. “Hello, you’ve-,” Blaine tried again, but this time it didn’t even ring.

With a groan Blaine fell back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He’d known something wasn’t right; he’d felt it. Your first time was supposed to be filled with nerves and awkward glances, but not like it was tonight. Blaine should have seen it, should have seen how uncomfortable Kurt was underneath the false bravado he was portraying. This was why Blaine always anticipated people’s actions. It was easier to be safe rather than sorry, and Blaine remembered vividly the last time he had gone against his gut feeling in the parking lot of his old school. Remembered vividly, at least until he could remember no more, and everything went black.

Everything had been going so well, though, Blaine thought to himself. Kurt had honestly seemed like he was enjoying it in the moment, with those breathy moans, and that long cry when Blaine had touched him the first time. It was a noise that Blaine never wanted to forget, but it had all changed when Blaine had actually put his hand on him, without the layers of protection that Kurt kept himself wrapped in.

That had been it, then; what pushed Kurt over the edge. Blaine sat up and moved to put his head on his pillow, right where Kurt had been lying before. He buried his face in the pillow, hoping to find some form of comfort from the faint smell of Kurt that remained. It just wasn’t the same. He could still feel the ghost of Kurt’s lips on his, but the way they had been wrenched apart made them ache with the abrupt coldness. He turned his head up, and his eyes met the sight of the condom and lube bottle, still on top of his drawer, so big and intimidating from this angle above him. No wonder Kurt freaked out.

Honestly, what was he thinking rushing Kurt straight into this? Kurt had explicitly told Blaine how uncomfortable he was with sex, and Blaine hadn’t even thought to talk to Kurt about how it would all play out. But Blaine was the physical one; Kurt the talker. That wasn’t fair, Blaine thought to himself, how can I ask Kurt to take on that role? What happened to equal partners? Kurt needed Blaine to guide him in this.

Who said that they had to get straight into penetrative sex first, anyway? Blaine had known for a while that he was ready to go all the way. He had done his research on all aspects of gay sex, and learnt more than he felt was probably necessary, but he had gained confidence in his knowledge, and had been prepared for this moment. Just because he was prepared, though, didn’t mean he had to jump in at the deep end.

He could start slow with Kurt; keep things simple, without the added pressure of what was coming next, and they could learn together. That was, if Kurt still wanted to do anything sexual in nature ever again. Or see Blaine ever again.

Blaine grabbed his phone from the end of the bed again, and called his boyfriend, just hoping to hear his voice. When his voicemail came up once again, Blaine couldn’t help but feel cheated by the recording. Instead, he opened a new text message and started composing very carefully.

Kurt, I completely understand if what we did tonight made you uncomfortable, but I just want to make sure that you’re okay. I’m coming by tomorrow morning so we can talk. I love you more than you know. –Blaine

Once Blaine hit send, he got up and put their supplies back into his drawer, where they would stop catching his eye and making his stomach twist uncomfortably. Later, once he was changed and ready for bed, he lay back and closed his eyes, starting a new list of things he would tell Kurt when he saw him tomorrow.

Blaine was up and freshly showered early the next day, taking a bit more time to make sure that he looked immaculate, and telling himself that he wasn’t doing it to make up for anything. His stomach was still in knots, anticipating how this conversation would go, so Blaine decided to skip out on breakfast today. He only managed a small grin while imagining Kurt’s reaction to skipping the most important meal of the day.

This was going to be awkward, to say the least. He hoped that Kurt would see where he was coming from, and listen to him. Hell, he hoped Kurt would open the front door for him. With one last look in the hall mirror, Blaine grabbed his keys and almost threw himself through the front door, only to stop short and freeze suddenly when he saw Kurt on his porch, hand raised to knock on the door.

“Oh, hi,” Kurt said, dropping his hand to twist his fingers together, not looking Blaine in the eye, instead choosing to stare intently at the floor. “Going somewhere?”

Blaine stepped closer to Kurt, “You didn’t read my text? I was heading to your house. I was so worried about you, Kurt; I thought I had scared you off completely.” At this, Kurt raised his eyes to Blaine’s, and replied, “I didn’t really feel like talking last night.”

“That’s fine, we can talk now. Come inside?” Blaine said this last question tentatively, and moved back a few steps so he was in the hallway again. When Kurt made to follow him inside, Blaine lead them to the living room again, thinking he should probably avoid his bedroom for now. Blaine sat down on one of the chairs, expecting Kurt to face him, but instead Kurt remained standing, dropping his hands to his side, and squaring his shoulders as he began saying an obviously planned monologue.

“Okay, Blaine, first off, I need you to know how sorry I am for running out on you last night. I just got so overwhelmed with everything, and I did want it, but I can see now that I’m just not ready, and I can’t make myself be ready. I really didn’t want to disappoint you, and I need you to know how sorry I am.”

Here Blaine made an attempt to stop him, lifting his hands and saying, “Wait just a second, Kurt-,” but Kurt interrupted him.

“Wait, Blaine, let me get through this.”  He took a deep breath, and then continued, “I thought I could do it, because lately I have been thinking about it a lot, I mean, more than I ever did before, but I realized, it’s one thing thinking about doing it, and a whole other thing actually doing it.

“But I know that now is the time where we should be experiencing new things, we spoke about this remember? Anyway, I know that you are going to want to get some experience, and I can’t be the one to hold you back, so if you wanted to, I won’t stop you. Sebastian is obviously interested, and we could take a break, and you could go out and experiment all you want, and if you are still interested in seeing me, without sex, then we can pick up where we left off.”

By this stage Blaine was looking at Kurt like he had just grown another head that had suggested he and Rachel elope and move to Mars.

“Obviously, if we get back together I wouldn’t want you to carry on seeing him, I don’t think my self-esteem is that low…” Kurt continued as if he hadn’t just made the most bizarre suggestion Blaine had ever heard. Shaking his head slightly, Blaine realized now was about the place to jump in.

“Kurt! Please stop. I don’t even know what to say to that. I don’t care if you aren’t ready to have sex, I care about you. And I definitely don’t want to sleep with Sebastian. How late was it when you came up with that plan?”

“Yeah, pretty late,” Kurt said evasively.

“Kurt, when you ran out last night I wasn’t mad that I didn’t get to have sex, I was just so worried that I had hurt you in any way. I tried calling you, and calling you, but there was no answer and I thought that you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

Kurt looked into Blaine’s eyes as he said this, with something akin to wonder on his face, before saying in an incredulous voice, “How late was it when you came up with that idea?”

“Yeah, pretty late,” Blaine said with a smile.

“Kurt, I didn’t want to sleep with you last night for sex; I wanted to be closer to you. I thought you knew that you’re it for me. That’s why I was willing to go all the way. But I want you to know that when you’re ready, that’s when we’ll do it. Not because you think it’s what I want or need from you, but because we want to give each other something special. I would never waste that on someone I didn’t love with all my heart; not on Sebastian.

“I am sorry that you ran away last night though, because I want us to be able to talk things through, and I think we should have a conversation about it. But for now, I want to say that I’m sorry I pressured you to do something that you were uncomfortable with.”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this sooner,” Kurt said, looking down at Blaine with a smile. “I think we just had one of those moments that lead to us knowing each other better, and becoming a stronger couple because of it.”

Blaine laughed and wrapped Kurt in his arms, saying, “It was bound to happen sooner or later,” before reaching up to put his lips to Kurt’s in a chaste kiss. When he pulled back, Blaine forced Kurt backwards towards the couch and sat down dragging Kurt next to him.

When Kurt was nestled in his usual spot on Blaine’s chest, Blaine brought up what they both knew they would have to talk about.

“Can we talk about what exactly freaked you out last night?” Blaine asked in a quiet voice.

Kurt didn’t move his head from Blaine’s chest, but answered in a smooth tone, “I think I just built it all up in my head, and I didn’t know if I could do it. I really liked what we were doing, and it felt so good, but I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking about what was coming next. And when you touched me I just couldn’t carry on.” Blaine was immensely glad for Kurt’s honesty, and ran a soothing hand down his arm while he spoke.

“Yes, I was thinking last night that we moved too fast. I mean, it was kind of forward of us to jump straight into sex, especially considering that this was the first time we had ever been touched. And we didn’t talk about it at all before. I’ll admit that maybe I was a little too overexcited to have a discussion about it first, but we really should have. Like, we didn’t talk about what we were comfortable with in bed, or even who would top or bottom.” 

Kurt raised his head in surprise. “You’d bottom?” Kurt asked, looking mildly confused.

“Um, yes,” Blaine said, “Why?”

“Nothing, I just assumed…” Kurt trailed off, looking slightly ashamed of himself.

“You just assumed that I’d want to top? Do I give off a vibe or something?” Blaine asked, smiling at Kurt’s embarrassment. “Kurt, I want to make you comfortable, and I am perfectly willing to be in any position you’d take me.” Blaine couldn’t help lowering his eyebrows at Kurt, who immediately started giggling at his tone.

“Back to the point,” Blaine continued, “You were okay with what we were doing before that moment though, right?” When Kurt rolled his eyes at Blaine as if to say ‘obviously’, Blaine continued, “Maybe we could start out slow, like what we were doing there, with no expectations, and see how it goes.”

“You want us to grind?” Kurt asked with a smile, raising his eyebrow. Well, that was to the point.

“Only if you’re comfortable with it, but… yeah.” Blaine said, fighting the urge to look down at his hands, instead looking Kurt straight in the eyes. “In time maybe we will work up to sex-sex, but for now we can just appreciate each other like that.”

“That sounds good,” Kurt said, bringing his lips up to Blaine’s.

“Wait, not now,” Blaine said, pulling back as Kurt began to up the level of their kiss. “I think that we’ve got a lot to think over, but right now I just want to be together.” Kurt’s eyes softened and he snuggled back against Blaine’s chest.

“Thank you for this, Blaine. I’m really lucky to have you.” Kurt said, closing his eyes and snuggling even closer.

“No, Kurt, I’m the lucky one.” Blaine said, holding Kurt a little tighter. Kurt would never understand just how lucky Blaine was to have him. For all of Blaine’s friends at Dalton, no one had ever understood Blaine like Kurt did. That was the worst part of Blaine’s loneliness; he didn’t know what he was missing until his boyfriend had walked into his life and filled the Kurt shaped hole that he didn’t know was there. 

They sat in silence for a while, just holding one another, before Blaine decided that it was time for him to make breakfast, and lead Kurt to the little island in his kitchen. Once Kurt was seated, Blaine started moving around the kitchen, but was brought back to something Kurt had said earlier.

“So, you think about us having sex a lot?” Blaine said out of the blue, grinning and raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

Kurt looked as if he was about to choke, but managed to refrain, “Blaine! God, some tact, would you?” There was a blush creeping down his neck, but he was smiling, “I was in a very fragile place earlier, I’ll have you know. Now you’re using it against me?”

Blaine’s grin only widened, and he replied, “No, it’s just that was about the biggest sexual confession I’ve managed to get from you; it was quite entertaining,” he said in a mock formal voice.

“Well, now you’ve had my cock in your hand, my private thoughts are starting to get slightly more public,” Kurt managed to get out. 

Blaine only laughed.