June 10, 2014, 7 p.m.
If I've Been On Your Mind: Part Two
E - Words: 7,653 - Last Updated: Jun 10, 2014 Story: Closed - Chapters: 2/? - Created: Jun 07, 2014 - Updated: Jun 07, 2014 137 0 0 0 0
So, I decided to go with more fluff than angst with this reveal. Usually I load up on the angst and draw it out, but I really think Blaine (at least, at first) would be all, like, "omg my boyfriend is a real life superhero this is so neat!!!" instead of "YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME, KURT HUMMEL!!!! HOW CAN I TRUST YOU AGAIN???? especially considering the circumstances of the reveal and Kurts emotional state at the time. Plus, I see it all the time in romcoms before the couple inevitably makes up. It was too boring for me to write. Hope yall dont mind the squishy love feelings instead of a falling out.
When I first got the idea for this verse, I knew I wanted to write a few things in particular, but the story itself was kind of mushy around the central idea "HEY! WHAT IF KURT COULD READ BLAINES MIND THAT WOULD BE A HOOT." So...let me know what you think. The next part of the fic will deal with navigating a relationship where one party has absolutely no privacy, and what that means for said relationship. :3 And we delve into season 3 territory. :D
Kurt picks up with the notes where his dads story leaves off, understanding that Burt wont divulge everything himself, so hell have to do a little digging of his own.
---
what the heck happened to angie miller? she fall off a plane??
Hah! I mean, poor girl. But, something like that. Landed badly on a jump. Coach flipped (not literally). Shes got three casts and like a million broken bones. But, shell live.
and "fall off a plane"... oh my god, burt :)
---
Mrs. Selwick is going blind. Today she thought I was Tammy. Looked right at me and said, "Tammy, hand me that stack of papers." By stack of papers, she meant book.
who the heck is tammy
Tammy Willard! Yknow, my dopleganger, but a bit more homely
not very nice
I dont know how to make that statement sound nicer but still keep the truth.
say you have the unfortunate burden of being more attractive
um... ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME NOW, BURT HUMMEL?! <3
---
Since you didnt answer my last note, Ill ask a different question.
When can I see you again? ... <3
when the swelling in my face goes down?
That seems like an awfully long time.
maybe saturday we can grab a burger after school
and in another town
where no one can recognize n punch me
Im so excited! Its a date!!! <3
---
its not a date, liz
Its SO a date, Hummel.
I do love you, you know...
you barely know me
And Ive been hearing every single thing youve ever thought about me for months. Im inclined to feel a little lovey
those havent always been the kindest thoughts
also - hey! invasion of privacy!
I think you helped me realize I could be a better person if I tried.
And its not like I could help seeing inside your head! Distance seems to work OK...I did try staying away, remember? But I cant always do that at school...
...are you really that mad at me for it? :(
---
im not mad.
i guess i still dont understand why me
Because its you.
I dont think I have words to explain it.
My world doesnt make sense when youre not in it.
i hardly know what to say to that liz
Thats okay. I can wait for you to catch up.
---
Selwick really is losing it
had her for two years now has idea who I am
cant even recognize me by voice?
shes not that old!
Oh well! Que sera, sera.
whatever will be, will be?
...The futures not ours to see! <3
How do you know that tune, Burt?
mom used to sing it to me when I was a kid
---
Tell her its my favorite song, then!
would that be a lie?
and no, I wont, she doesnt know who you are!
I would make it into my favorite song so it wouldnt be a lie. I want your mom to like me.
And now THAT is a lie, Burt. Everyone in this town knows who I am.
think a lot of yourself mason?
No, I just like to talk truth.
*
Kurt is beginning to understand a lot more about Blaine Anderson. Including the fact he has no thought filter when drunk, and is approximately five-hundred times more flirty.
Its way too late to drive Blaine and himself back to Westerville after Rachel Berrys insane party, so Kurt just has to take the risk that depositing Blaine in his bed for the night will turn out okay.
Its the most awkward experience ever.
Not just having a boy in his bed, but he can hear Blaines thoughts. All of them. His unconscious thoughts. And some of them are just plain disturbing.
Theyre not actual thoughts, but closer to the images Kurt felt and saw before. Kurt figures dreams are weird places for thoughts to manifest.
A flashing image of himself floods into his mind, this time in the outfit he picked out for Rachels party, then another of his ass in the leather pants he wore to the party, in front of his floor mirror while he was doing final adjustments to his outfit, he and Blaine getting ready. Another image of Kurts ass, this time at the party. At some point Blaine must have been staring at his throat while he was drinking some water, because thats also present in Blaines thoughts. Then a flash of Rachel Berry, and that horrid kiss.
(Kurt remembers Blaines drunken thoughts in that moment: shes so pretty, wow, a girl, hey look dad Im hella straight now haha, followed by, singing is fun! when he took to the stage.)
Blaines loud dream-thinking practically keeps him up all night. Kurt tries so hard to make sense of all of it: Blaine cares for Kurt, and is attracted to him, and thinks hes clever and smart and has his shit together, but for some reason he feels the need to make out with Rachel Berry?
When his father barged into his room that morning with a question about eggs and wearing his cooking apron, Kurt was already at his vanity trying to rub away the bags under his eyes, Blaine just a groggy mess under the covers.
Kurt thinks that would be the end of it, but Blaine is just as confused as he ever was about his own feelings. Kurt tries to pry through Blaines thought process when he suggests he may be bi over coffee, after he accepts Rachels offer for a date.
Kurt doesnt have much luck digging below the surface, mainly because Blaine isnt very quick to hide his thoughts on the matter, stating them openly instead, in dialog. He wants to argue the point of how extremely not straight Blaine is--certainly nowhere near enough to even be remotely curious--Kurt is able to see into his head day in and out and read his very not-straight thoughts, after all, when he hears the word biphobic creep around Blaines mind and Kurt feels suitably ashamed.
It isnt that Kurts being a judgemental jerk, but theres no way he can talk to Blaine if Blaine feels like his best friend is against him.
Though, Kurt doesnt have to worry too much about Blaines sudden desire for Rachel Berry after that week, as the supposed attraction—as Kurt predicted—faded without the addition of heavy intoxication, and was resolutely banished with Blaines pronouncement of being "100% gay" once again.
*
Liz Mason and Burt Hummel wait a week after the face punching incident before talking again in person, though the locker note conversations persist, as does Burts talking to her in his head whenever hes nearby.
They decide to meet up at a place outside of town to get a bite to eat, and Burt knows that Liz knows that he really does think of it like a date, though he says out loud "this is not a date." They decide theyre just going out to talk. Burt cant reign in his thoughts completely, though. When he goes to pick her up, Burt feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest. Liz is beautiful. Shes always beautiful. But tonight shes wearing this pale gray dress. Theres just a hint of blue in it, and it brings out the color in her eyes. She has her hair down. But mainly, she just looks happy to see him, and he doesnt understand why.
Elizabeth Mason has been unavoidably listening to Burts thoughts for months now. At first, she was shocked at her own ability, once she realized it was not a byproduct of overactive imagination and swelling insecurity. Then she was afraid: afraid of Burt finding out her secret; afraid that it was him that somehow did this to her in the first place.
Then Burt was so persistent in apologizing for something he hadnt really done. Really, he was going to apologize for upsetting her. It wasnt something a lot of guys normally did, and Liz knew it. Burt knew he wasnt in the wrong, technically, but he still wanted to make things right for his friends sake. And that, she thought, was not only incredibly admirable (especially during her attempts to escape being apologized to), but incredibly sweet. His stubbornness was sweet.
She knew what Burt thought of her. That she was beautiful, sure, but who didnt think that. But he also thought she was snippy, and hurtful, and prideful, and cold. It made her take a good look at how she acted around people, and was surprised to learn her sycophantic friends often overlooked all the ugliness because the prettiness gleamed so bright.
She was ashamed, but more than that, she was thankful. And it made her appreciate every positive comment Burt threw her way, especially before he knew of her unique ability to listen in. Like when she went out of her way to help someone, hed think, youre not too bad, Liz Mason. Whenever shed landed perfectly on one of her routine flips, Burt would proudly think, atta girl. The comments were far too innocent for a guy his age, even with the occasional thought about her looks. Shed blush when she realized how her own thoughts were certainly nowhere near that innocent. At night, she barely remembered her boyfriends name. And she was very imaginative.
Her imagination was aided by Burt leaving practice one afternoon after coming out of the showers, practically colliding with her in his race to get home. She was knocked off balance, but he was quick to reach out and grab her and put her back on her feet. "Oh God, sorry, Liz," he said. His hands lingered on her shoulders a moment to make sure she was indeed steady before smiling and pulling away. "Didnt see you there." He smelled sweet and felt so warm, and she just wanted him to put his arms around her again. She heard him think, (( maybe shes not feeling well. Could take her to the nurse? Is the nurse still here? Frankie should take her home. ))
Hes sort of a goofy-looking guy, more cute boy-next-door than super-hunky movie star, but somehow that just makes him that much more attractive.
Burt never really left her mind. He was a mystery she couldnt solve. Why could she only read his thoughts? She tried to make it work on her boyfriend, her best friends, her parents, even her favorite teacher, but no luck.
Once she had it set in her mind it was because she loved him that she could read his mind, and that they were meant to be together, she was dead set on getting exactly what she wanted.
And now, theyre grabbing burgers outside of town, in a little rundown eatery, just the two of them to care.
If she maybe sort of looks at him like hes a helpless gazelle being hunted by a hungry lioness, well, he cant really blame her--can he? Certainly it wasnt very lady-like, but, she isnt a very lady-like girl. Maybe on the outside. The insides all animal and spirit and completely untamed.
(( The hell is she doing with her eyes? She cant hypnotize me too? ))
She looks back down at her food and sighs. "I can still hear you, you know."
"Yeah, Im never gonna be used to that, sorry."
"Are you sure this isnt a date? It sure sounded a lot like a date in your head when you asked me," she smirks.
Burt leans against the booth back. "What do you want from me, woman? You want me to get another black eye? Is that what you want?"
I just want you to screw me already, Hummel, she thinks forcefully, stabbing at her french fries.
Burt jumps, his eyes on her and growing wider with her seeming nonchalance. "Liz, what the hell--"
"Burt?" she asks, confused. His face is flushed and growing redder by the second.
"You cant just--say that to me--here--and thats not appropriate for a girl like you--just--"
Liz shakes her head because she really just doesnt understand. Then, she gasps.
"Burt--"
"--cant just say that out loud, Jeez, Liz!" he says, trying to contain everything to a frantic whisper. "I dont know what to do with you right now. I have half a mind to leave--" Hes half out of his chair, too.
"Burt!" she says, placing a hand over his and startling him into silence. She looks shocked and pleased and scared, all at the same time. He sits back down quietly, a question in his eyes. She says, softly, "I didnt say that out loud." Pausing for a moment, she adds, "I didnt say it at all."
Burt blinks. "Wait..." he leans over the table. "I...did I read your mind just now?" he whispers covertly.
She grins at him and pulls closer.
"Burt Hummel can read my mind."
*
Burt cant read Lizs mind, actually, not in the way she can read his, but they try. Their budding relationship is put on the back burner (not Lizs idea, but Burt needs a little time to come to terms with what shes offering) to investigate this new development. They attempt to have conversations just in their minds, but that proves to be horribly one-sided. Even Liz cant read all of Burts thoughts, hard as she tries.
They look into figuring out what it all means. They go to the local library, but all they come out with are a few joke books about mind reading tricks and some new age spiritual psych books from the late 60s. All dead ends.
Eventually they just take to getting together to do homework, and in-between, they would talk about school and classes, gossip about friends and teachers, compare the awkwardness of their their families, and, especially, discuss their strange connection with each other. Liz is a relentless flirt. She tells Burt constantly that theyre soulmates, destined to find and love each other, get married and have babies.
Most sixteen year old boys do not easily humor talk about having kids, but Burt always loved the idea of having a big family. Liz may be a bit too forward for his taste, but, maybe someday...
So he would tease her back, "Sure, Liz. Will we get the house for sale on Main or the one on Pritchett?"
"Hmmm," shed ponder with a dreamy smile that drove Burt crazy. "Definitely the one on Pritchett. Its right next to that community park. Great place to bring little Kurt."
Burt would give her a long-suffering look. "Kurt?" hed say, clearly unimpressed.
Shed grin. "You know you love it."
They usually meet up at Lizs house, where the girl takes full advantage of her own domain by making sure all parents and little siblings are out of the house for her study-dates (Burt has yet to meet-the-folks, which he supposes is alright since they arent technically dating anyway), and getting herself comfortable atop bed.
The first time Liz calls him upstairs to her room, shes arranged herself so that shes lying on her back, looking up at a book in her hands, her cardigan nearly a third of the way unbuttoned. She looks up and gives Burt a knowing grin. "Oh hey, Burt," she says sweetly.
"Dont think I dont know what youre doing," he says, blushing.
"And what am I doing?"
"Trying to make me into less of a gentleman."
It happens that way a few times until Burt just starts expecting it, and is no longer affected by her clear attempts at seducing him.
Whenever she comes over his house, shes always the picture of a lady, and always so kind to his parents. They think shes a doll. Its always a mistake, having her over, because his parents nag him afterward about not going steady with her. "A girl like that you dont lead around and dont commit to, son," his father would say, clearly impressed by her charm and her determination in courting his son.
His mom and dad would always leave them alone, in the hopes that just a bit of alone time would spark the appropriate amount of romance.
Yeah, Liz loves coming over to his house.
"I hate you so much," he says one evening after his parents go out with his younger sister to dinner, and leave them some cash to get a meal of their own. Liz was taking off her sweater for the tank top underneath. She laughs.
"No, you dont."
"You drive me crazy."
"I sure hope so," she winks.
"Liz," Burt says warningly.
(( I cant do this with you, Liz. Im sorry. ))
She frowns, shoulders slouching. She looks down at the carpet. "Its just hard," she whispers. "Knowing youre meant to be with someone, and they just think youre some...tramp." She starts brushing back tears with her thumb and then with the whole backs of her hands, Burt just looking on, a little lost for words. He hasnt seen her this upset since he stood her up weeks ago after school behind the bleachers. And even then it wasnt like this.
She grabs her sweater and pulls it back on. "Im not trying to be manipulative, or throw myself at you. I just...I wouldnt try half as hard for anyone else, Burt. I really like you. And I fell in love with you long ago. And if that isnt a good enough reason to even try to kiss me...if you dont even feel that much for me...after all this time..." she just shrugs, even though theres tears running down her cheeks. "Then I wish you well, and Im sorry I dragged you into this and wasted your time with my stupid nonsense."
She left quickly after that, and left Burt alone with his thoughts, with only himself there to ponder them.
*
Kurt turns the page, another note.
Im trying do right by you and stay respectful because I like you too liz, not cause I dont. Whats not to like? your beautiful, and smart, and funny as hell, and you beat me 5 outta 9 in field sprints. You can drive a stick and you like action flicks. You dont mind my terrible singing and you tell me interesting things you learn and great quotes that make you think. Youve got this mysterious mind-reader thing going on. Dont think none of that has gone over my head. But I try to be a gentleman because i dont want to regret a single thing with you. God help me, one day i probably will be married to you and have a kid named kurt, and live in a house on pritchett, and learn how to talk back and forth without moving my lips, and research all this crazy stuff and travel the world looking for answers and people like us. I wanna grow old with you, liz. but its not gonna start with me taking advantage of your feelings for me. you deserve better than that. but I know i need to step it up, too. so this is me, in writting, asking you: wanna go out on a date-date this Saturday?
Theres a response, a little further down.
You can pick me up at 7.
Kurt smiles.
*
Apparently, for Regionals, the Warblers need to do something "sexified," whatever that means. Blaines mind has been racing with ideas. Most of them make Kurt blush.
Really, Kurts no stranger to thinking inappropriate thoughts—well, kind of—but... having to translate that into something he can use on stage, in front of a crowd, is baffling.
Blaine has been hanging out more and more often at Kurts house on weekends, the two just trying to find excuses to get off campus for a while. Blaines trying to coach Kurt into giving him looks that represent various intimate reactions, since apparently when Kurt tries to look sexy, his face just reads gassy. Its a problem.
Theyre sitting on Kurts vanity seat and looking into the mirror, Kurt throwing faces at it."Alright," Blaine says, "so give me sensual...but dont make fun of it. Like, really try." An attempt is made.
(( No. Wow, thats just...no. ))
Kurt wants to roll his eyes. How could Blaine find him remotely attractive before if his best attempt now is backfiring so badly? He should just give up.
"Okay...now give me sultry." Another attempt. Blaine tries not to laugh. "Um, Kurt? Theyre all sort of looking the same."
"Thats because the face Im actually doing is uncomfortable," Kurt tells him. "This is pointless, Blaine," Kurt says, getting up. "I dont know how to be sexy because I...dont know the first thing about sex."
"Kurt, your blushing," Blaine says, clearly quite amused.
(( Hes so adorable. ))
Great, yes, Blaine will think hes "adorable" until hes eighty years old. There will never be a time when he is actually be able to seduce Blaine with his 80-year-old adorable charm.
Kurt goes on some tangent about trying and failing to enjoy porn, all the while Blaine is looking at him in a strange, awed way.
((...ohmygod, what?))
This thought is followed by:
(( Dont think about Kurt watching porn, dont think about Kurt watching porn, dont think about Kurt watching porn... ))
"Then maybe we should have a conversation about it," Blaine says, going for nonchalance. "Ill tell you what I know--"
"I dont want to know the graphic details," Kurt says quickly. "I like romance. Thats why I like Broadway musicals...because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets."
"Kurt, youre going to have to learn about it someday."
"Well, not today," Kurt says. "I think Ive learned quite enough for today, thank you." Hes upset and it shows. "I think you should leave."
Blaine does, and he hears the apology Blaine knows he cant say right now because he realizes Kurt wont be able to accept the words.
(( Sorry, Kurt. Guess Im not a very good director. I should have just stayed out of it. ))
Kurt thinks, Im sorry, too.
*
Blaine thinks, if he cant get Kurt to have an open, adult conversation about sex, maybe someone else can.
Burt Hummel looks a bit intimidating, but Blaine hustles through his speech, making note to emphasize just how close father and son really are; that, if Burt would talk to Kurt, hes sure Kurt would be more responsive and open-minded than he has been with him. And maybe he would be a bit more prepared for what hes sure to experience in life at some point or another.
Its times like these Blaine is thankful he can compartmentalize so well. He tells himself hes doing this for his friends sake. Much as Blaine doesnt want to think about it, he also cant know if their friendship will fade away sooner or later, after high school, maybe. Kurt will graduate before him, after all. Though theyre both heading to New York, Blaine doesnt want to think of anyone trying to take advantage of his friends ignorance...and innocence.
Its not that hes jealous—nothing like that. But he does care for Kurt, and the last thing hed wish upon his friend is another reason to call Blaine upset and crying, and far away from Blaines comfort.
*
"I. Am. Mortified," Kurt says after Warbler practice a few days later, taking Blaines sleeve and pulling him aside, the universal sign for this is gossip I choose to share only with you in the strictest of confidence, "my Dad ambushed me with safe sex pamphlets and a heartwarming speech last night."
(( Oh my god, Burt actually did it. Wait, did he tell Kurt was my idea? ))
Before he could say anything, Kurt squints at him suspiciously. "Why do I get the impression you were involved in this, Blaine Anderson? I told you I didnt want to know the graphic details! Now I have diagrams!"
"Wait, why do you just assume it was me?"
(( Oh shit, he knows its me. ))
"Because my father could not have gotten this idea on his own and its not just one big coincidence that we were just talking about my lack of personal sexual experience and knowledge and interest not a week ago!" He whisper-yells at him, as to not attract attention in the halls. Blaine does not further protest his involvement.
Kurt takes a deep breath. "Despite that betrayal, though," he says, adding a small smile, "thank you." Blaine sighs in relief. "I think I needed to hear so hear some of that, embarrassing as it was."
Blaine smiles. "Its no problem." He adds, "Talking to your dad was kind of scary, but now I see hes all bark."
Kurt just snorts. "Actually, hes a little bit of bite, too."
Blaine swallows as he thinks of his luck in narrowly escaping his doom. Kurt tries not to laugh.
*
Pavarotti, his beautiful bird ward, dies suddenly, and Kurt is devastated.
Hes had pets die before, of course. Mindy the cat was a stray they started to feed after his he and his father saw her going around the neighborhood looking for scraps. They eventually let her inside the house and, when she was more trusting, they adopted her. But she was an older cat, and she was already sick, and there was nothing they could do to cure her.
It should have hit him a bit more strongly, then. It was only two years after his mother had died, and he had gotten to know Mindy and her odd, sweet personality before they had to put her down. Still, he didnt cry for her. Kurt pet her fur where she lie on the table, completely still, and told her she was in a better place.
Kurt wonders when it was that he stopped believing in a "better place." Even after his mother died he still retained a shred of hope. Perhaps it was beaten out of him by bullies just after he got to middle school, or forced out of him by the hate he saw everyday on TV—wars and injustice and even laws meant to hurt people like him. It seemed like whoever was responsible for this world was doing a shit job at looking after it. And they certainly werent paying any attention to him.
Now he knows better. And now that hes old enough for his mind to think in metaphors, he realizes that Pavarottis death means more than an end to one playful, charming bird. Though he doesnt understand, in the moment of his grief, exactly what that metaphor means.
He prepares a song. He honors Pavarotti with an ensemble fit for a true mourner. In front of a group of people he has come to call his friends, he sings.
He doesnt let anything reach him but his own song, filling him up with grief and hope in equal measure. Because Pavarotti is gone, but he is also free.
He leaves after he sings. Its a little too much right now.
Kurt heads to his dorm room, and takes his mothers letter from the dresser, and reads it again. Then he reads it again, and then again, until the words blur together and he falls asleep with it clutched in his hand.
*
Hes decorating his poor dead birds casket in the middle of a beautiful and unusually temperate Saturday afternoon. Theres no leaves on the trees yet, but the breeze is warm and comforting. Not that Kurts been outside today. And he hasnt been home since last Friday, much to his fathers disappointment. But he tells his dad he needs time to mourn Pavarotti, who passed away in Kurts room last week, and who accompanied Kurt home every weekend for Friday night dinner with the family. It just hurt too much to go back without him this week.
And so all the boys were outside, or otherwise enjoying the day away from the confining but artfully appointed Dalton halls, and Kurt was inside, working away at bedazzling a truly spectacular casket. Pav would have wanted to go out in style.
And when Blaine arrives, at first he doesnt get it. He really doesnt get it.
(( Alright, Anderson. Breathe. Just like you practiced. ))
He wants to roll his eyes, because he doesnt feel quite in the mood for Blaines shenanigans today. Especially if its a prepared speech. Okay, hes been down this week, considering the circumstances, but a pep talk is not what he needs right now. Blaine already gave him a chance at being one-half of a duo lead at Regionals. Shouldnt he feel his duty done?
"Whats that?" Blaine asks.
"Im decorating Pavarottis casket."
(( Okay, alright, okay... ))
"Well, finish up. I have the perfect song for our number and we should practice."
"Do tell," Kurt says, a little happier hes going to be distracted by a little shop-talk.
"Candles, by Hey Monday," Blaine says, looking a little unsure if his choice will go over well with Kurt and thinking about the same thing.
"Im impressed. Youre usually so top-40."
"Well, I just wanted something more...emotional," Blaine says, taking the seat next to Kurt at his worktable.
(( Crap, my hearts beating so fast. How do I keep forgetting how beautiful he looks up close? ))
Kurt tries hard not to blush or get too startled at the thought. Something is very different with Blaine today. "Why did you pick me to sing that song with?"
Blaine is quiet for a half second, his mind saying, (( ...I have no idea how to answer that question. Whatever, just go ahead with the speech )).
"Kurt, there is a moment, when you say to yourself, oh—there you are. Ive been looking for you forever."
Blaine is staring into his eyes and all Kurt can think is, OH MY GOD IS HE SERIOUS.
Blaine winces, and his brow crinkles in confusion.
(( Well, that was weird. Oh God, I really dont need to be psyching myself out right now. ))
Kurt looks back at him too, a little concerned, but still reeling from the confession he knows is coming.
Blaine shakes off his weird feeling, and puts a hand over Kurts on the table. "Watching you...do Blackbird this week. That was a moment for me...about you."
Kurt is a mix of internal squealing in delight and victory, and a simultaneous singular thought: Its about time! His countenance, however, is vastly more composed and neutral.
"Y-you move me, Kurt," Blaine says, but inside theres a different confession on his mind.
(( I love you. So much. ))
Kurts eyes widen just a bit as he tries to control his breathing.
"And this duet...would just be an excuse to spend more time with you."
(( I think Ive always been in love with you. I just didnt know till now. ))
Kurts so lost in Blaines words and his thoughts that he barely notices Blaine himself moving forward, until their lips meet. And Kurt cant even describe to himself what Blaines thoughts are, muddled as they are with his own, loud and foggy at the same time, like the baseline of a familiar song played through thick walls that you just cant identify.
Everythings intertwined: their bodies, with their hands on each others faces, keeping them close, and their hearts, nervously beating at what are probably irregular intervals, and their minds, which are like a closed circuit of emotions feeding back and forth between them, until the sensation of lips and warmth is too much, and they break apart, and Kurts hand falls to the table without a thought at the loud "thunk!" that follows.
Hes blushing, and Blaine is ducking his head away with a pleased smile on his face, his long lashes pointed down at the table.
Kurt knows that people can be lost for words. Hes never met someone lost for thought before, until Kurt seemingly kissed the thought right out of Blaine.
"Um...we should...we should practice," Blaine says.
"I thought we were," Kurt says.
Its over an hour later before the housekeeper discovers them taking full advantage of practice time, and shoos them off elsewhere.
*
They lose at Regionals. It doesnt matter—they got each other out of it. And thats what matters.
Except...
Kurt is feeling very, very guilty, now that he and Blaine are together. His excitement over finally having a boyfriend has been overshadowed by the fact that he can hear every single thing that passes through said boyfriends mind. The great majority is hopelessly romantic stuff that Kurt tries not to react to on the surface, because usually Kurts just shoveling food down in the cafeteria between classes and suddenly hes hit with--
(( Hes so perfect. How did I get so lucky? ))
He doesnt feel perfect, far from it.
And theyll be doing homework, lying on the bed side by side, and Blaine will look over and then lean in to kiss Kurts cheek, and his lips will linger and he thinks, ((I just want to stay like this forever )). And then Blaine starts thinking the words to "Dont Wanna Miss A Thing," and then hes singing them loudly in his head, like its a goddamned opera, and its all Kurt can do to keep himself from laughing and throwing himself on his boyfriend and telling him that in no uncertain terms is he allowed to even think of something that cheesy again.
But he cant, because Kurt hasnt told the one person who should know most that hes more different than Blaine could ever understand, or possibly even accept.
What if he thinks Kurt somehow manipulated Blaine into having feelings for him? It would be heartbreaking. And though he has been privy to Blaines private thoughts—thoughts not even about Kurt, thoughts about his family and past that Kurts pretty sure he hasnt shared with anyone—Kurt has never betrayed Blaines confidence. And it not like he can control what he hears. He tries, sometimes. Half the time, it works. But its difficult, and most of the time it means physically having to leave the room and get at least a good fifty feet away before the thoughts become muddled and unclear and disappear entirely. And that has become less and less of an available option now that theyre actually going out.
And its not like Kurt wants to feel that way, either. Hes gotten so used to Blaine in his head, like a constant presence. He wouldnt want to give that up, even if he could.
So Kurt tries, and fails, to tell Blaine. Again and again and again. And after each failed attempt to bring it up, Kurt calls his father.
"Kurt, Im telling you, son, its like rippin off a band aid. You just gotta do it and get it over with. The longer you wait, the worse off its gonna be."
"So mom was right to tell you before you started dating?"
"Of course. Its important to know, if youre going to give yourself to someone who has the ability to know you so intimately without you ever having to say a thing. Thats a lot of power and trust to just give somebody."
Kurt just sighs sadly. "I am so, so screwed."
"Hey now, itll be okay. Blaine seems like a good kid. I dont think you give him enough credit. Even if hes upset by it, hell come around."
"Thats not the point, dad. Whether or not he can forgive me is irrelevant. Hes so afraid of being vulnerable. He doesnt want people to know when hes hurting. He goes through so much work to hide it. Since weve met Ive been able to see inside his head and just know where all the weaknesses are. Maybe I couldnt help it most of the time, and I wasnt at fault at first, but now? If I tell him, the only honorable thing to do would be to break up. Now that Im transferring back to McKinley next week, I wont be able to hear him anymore...it would be okay." He tries not to let the sadness envelope him. He does not want to think of a future where he isnt present in Blaines life, even as just a friend.
Burt sighs on the other end. "Well, theres no honor in keeping it a secret, son. You cant keep this to yourself for long."
"I know, dad." He says. "Believe me, I know."
*
He shows his not-yet-finished prom outfit to his father, Finn, and Blaine, who are hanging out in the living room. When Burt expresses his concern over his ensemble of choice, and Blaine agrees, hes suitably annoyed. He understands where Blaines coming from, of course. Not only has Kurt been getting bits and pieces of Blaines publicly undisclosed past for months now, but Blaine himself had recently explained what happened at his last formal dance, and Kurt knows the concern is real.
But things have been going better than they ever have at McKinley, and with Karofsky switching sides (no pun intended), from tormentor to protector, there hasnt been a main instigator of bullying around the high school hallways. Its a safe a place as he ever could imagine it to be for Blaine and himself, especially surrounded by so many friends—what could really go wrong?
He wants to give this to Blaine, this experience. Because he just cant give Blaine what he really wants to give him, which is the truth. But giving his boyfriend back just a little bit of assurance and courage seems like a fair trade off, at least for a little while.
And the dance actually goes quite well.
Right up till the coronation.
When Kurt Hummel is announced Homecoming Queen.
And when Kurt runs out into that hallway, Blaine trailing behind, and then crying and ranting, Blaines just there, trying to calm him with his words, and inwardly, trying to plead with him to stop.
"Its just a stupid joke," Blaine says, not really believing it.
(( I wish I could make things better for you. Please dont cry, Angel ))
And Kurt is too wound-up and upset to think straight, mixing up thoughts and spoken words.
"Its not. And I know you want to make things better for me, Blaine, but all that hate—they were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot! And Im sorry Im crying, but I cant help it, so please dont call me Angel right now... Im one big anonymous practical joke..." he says through tears, and goes to sit down on the floor, his back against the lockers and the curls up into himself, head on his knees.
*
Way too much has happened in the past minute for Blaine to process it all at once.
He knows he still should be comforting Kurt, but as he follows him down to the floor, and puts a hand on Kurts arm to let him know hes still here and on Kurts side, all he can think, with his heart beating a mile a minute, is Kurt, can you...hear me right now?
Kurt doesnt look up, still sniveling into his kilt, and miserably responds, "Of course. Im still here, Blaine."
DID YOU JUST READ MY MIND?
Kurt picks his head up and his hands fly to his ears, his face a look of discomfort. "Ow, Jesus," he hisses. "Im upset and getting a migraine, Blaine, you dont have to s--" And then Kurts expression changes. Falls, ever so slightly, realization dawning at what he just said. His moves his hands off his head and they reach out to Blaine, who shuffles back and recoils from the touch.
He barely has a second to think about why he doesnt want Kurt to touch him. Later he will think it has to do with fearing things you dont understand. In the moment, he subconsciously knows he has to distance himself from this—from Kurt—in order to even comprehend the basics of whats happening.
"Blaine..." Kurt whispers, and it sounds utterly, completely broken, and wrecked. His expression looks shattered. Kurt looks ten times as miserable as he did a moment ago, when all he had to suffer was the hatred of others. And Blaine can see it in his eyes—he sees that Kurts afraid now hell have to suffer Blaines disgust for him as well.
And something turns in him, like nausea, but with the force of a brick to the chest. Like the wind gets knocked right out of him. Because that would just be impossible. He could never hate Kurt.
And Kurt looks like hes about to cry, but his lip is twitching, like he knows, like he can understand what Blaines feeling, what hes thinking, right then, and—holy shit, Kurt can read peoples minds! Hes like Jean Grey!
Kurt smirks.
"An X-Men reference, Blaine?” Kurt says meekly. “Youre such a dork."
Blaine just gapes at him.
"Im not a dork," Blaine says, his voice a little rough. Then he bounces back a little with a small smile, "and you got the reference, so youre a dork too."
Theres silence for a moment, and Kurt looks very self-conscious and alone, still curled up and waiting for Blaine to maybe realize hes insane and make a break for it, but that isnt going to be the case. Kurt bites his lip. "Can I maybe get a hug? If...if youre really not mad at me."
Blaines shoulders sag. "Of course," he says, and throws his arms over Kurts shoulders and pulls him in tight. "Im not mad at you."
"Or scared," Kurt adds, probably thinking about Blaines immediate reaction before. Blaine just holds on tighter.
"Im not scared of you, Kurt," he whispers. "Maybe a little weirded out, and, like, very surprised, but not scared."
"Do you..." Kurt says softly. "Do you think Im some kind of a freak, for...this thing I can do?"
Blaine just shakes his head. Youre not a freak, he thinks. Youre beautiful. And special. And nothing has changed.
He feels Kurt grip him tighter at that. "Thank you," he says.
Except maybe hes a bit more awesome now. And kind of hot.
"Oh really?" Kurt says.
"Wha-I—" Blaine blushes. "I forgot...for a sec..." he clears his throat. "Actually, you werent supposed to hear that thought. Just the sweet one."
Kurt pulls back to look at him, his face a little worried. "Blaine, I dont get a say in what thoughts I can block out. I wish I could, but I cant."
Blaine bites his lip. "Um...can you hear me, like...all the time?" he asks. "...everywhere?"
Kurt shakes his head. "Usually its just when youre close by, like in the same room."
Blaine blows out a grateful breath. Hes relieved the Dalton dorm hall is separated by grade, and that they never had to make use of the same bathroom when they shower, or even that they didnt have the same classes, because sometimes his mind would wander and--
"Blaine," Kurt interrupted, a blush on his cheeks. "Thoughts. I can hear yours right now. Might want to police them, if you dont want me listening in? It gives me terrible headaches when I try to prevent myself from hearing them, and its not very effective."
Well, that was upsetting. "I dont want you to suffer on my account, Kurt. I know...its going to take some getting used to...but...I dont want to give up on this, on us." Encouraged by Kurts smile, he continues. "Youre special, Kurt. Ive always known that, and even if people tonight cant see it or care, you are. And hell, you have the better of them anyway, right?" Though now Blaine wonders how Kurt didnt see this homecoming queen vote coming a mile away. Every time the mischievous evil-doers passed him in the halls, the culprits must have been thinking something sinister.
"Thank you, Blaine, really," he said. "And, I want us to work too. And I dont want to keep anything else from you, so, just so you know...its only you. That I can hear. In my head."
Blaine just blinked. "Um...what?" Then the words seem to sink in. "Just me?"
Kurt smiled. "Just you." He takes Blaines hand in his. "Those people in there? The ones that did this? They cant touch us, or what we have. Im special, like you said. And you are too, by extension. Because you are the only one who can completely get inside my head, Blaine," he said.
Blaine doesnt say it in so many words. He just feels. Love is coursing through his veins like a certainty, and he just feels so much of it, as he smiles and captures Kurts lips with his own.
*
Kurt gets coronated that night, and dances with his boyfriend in front of the entire school. Its magical.
He had been brought so low, by the hate and the fear, but now he was riding high on Blaines acceptance, his forgiveness...and his love.
Especially his love, which Kurt did not confess that he knew about long ago, and which Blaine still has not caught on that Kurt knows about, since he has yet to say those three little words aloud, making them real, in a way that things kept inside and unsaid can never be, no matter how loud they may echo through his head.
Still, its been a good night, all things considered.
I hope youre out there watching me, mom, Kurt thinks. I hope you know what comes next.