Chapter 1

Kurt always thought he knew what being lonely felt like, but this? This was different. He wasn'talonealone. This house was full of people. It just felt like he didn't belong anymore. His dad and Carole were downstairs, probably in the kitchen, Finn were in his room doing whatever.

He lay on his bed starring straight at the ceiling. He lost track of time by now and he couldn't care less. He was drifting in and out of sleep, feeling the slight burn of the cuts on his arm. He didn't like doing this to himself, but sometimes it was the only way to calm him down, to give him some kind of control back.

Kurt wished he had somewhere he could go to, but no. A new wave of self-hatred rolled over him and once more he realized it all had been his own fault. He was the one preferring to spend time on his own than to go out with his friends. It started slowly. He began to realize that being surrounded by people made him self conscious. His hands would start to sweat and his mind would go into overdrive, thinking about too much at the same time until the only thing he could do was running. He would come up with excuses such like " I need to study" or " no I really don't feel good."

Going to school everyday was hard. Walking down the crowded hallways, sitting in the classes, lunch break -he feared it all. Kurt tried to tell himself that it wasn't that bad, that he'd get through this and maybe somehow he will find a way to get rid of his anxiety. It probably would have worked if it weren't fo r the bullies on top of all that. If people would just act as if he didn't exist things would be so much easier.

Kurt rolled onto his side, sighing softly. He glanced at his watch on his nightstand. 6:30pm, almost time for dinner. Reluctantly he got up, slowly shuffling into his bathroom. The hands on the counter he starred at his reflection, trying to figure out what he did wrong, where he'd chosen the wrong path to follow.

A phone began to ring in the distance but he didn't even bother. It's not like people would call him.

Mercedes was the only person who still tried to contact Kurt. Everyone else just lost interest in him. He couldn't be angry at them though. He quit Glee club, not being able to spend extra hours with too much people judging him. Kurt even began to skip classes. His grades got worse and worse and soon enough his parents got informed.

At first Burt tried to talk to him. They had always gotten along well, but Kurt just couldn't talk about the stuff that bothered him, he didn't even understand it himself. He closed off more and more around his family, too, until his dad had had enough. He sent his son to a psychologist, clearly concerned about the boy's future.

Kurt didn't take it well, not at all. He would go to the sessions, only to sit and barely answer any questions the doctor would shoot at him.

He splashed cold water into his face and left the bathroom after drying it off, ready to face the next step. Family dinner. Once he enjoyed it but now? He hated it. Sitting around a table with people who tried to talk with him? Could it be worse?

The boy sat back on his bad, shoulders slumped, waiting for the tell tale ring of the bell, telling him that dinner was ready.

The next morning came way to quickly and Kurt found himself sitting in his car in the school parking lot. He thought about skipping chemistry since the teacher announced that there would be group work for the next few lessons. He watched students walk by, chatting to their friends. As time went by the students began to walk faster, hurrying into the school to make it in time for the final bell. Kurt thought about his options. If he hurried he'd be in time, but the classroom would already be filled with students. He hated having to walk through a full classroom. But he couldn't go home either, his dad was mad enough as it was.

Who was he even kidding, he wasn't going to chemistry, he knew it before he even left the house. Chewing on his bottom lip he decided to spend the time in the library, studying on his own. Waiting until the final bell rang and 5 minutes more, just to be sure, he pushed open the main doors and quitely walked across the hallway. His eyes were on the floor and his shoulders hunched, a damn habbit. Turning around a corner, which would lead him to the library, he found himself on the floor, his books chattered around him. He kept his eyes down, trying to gather his belongings as quick as possible.

"Oh my god! Shit, I am so sorry, I didn't see you, I'm new here and I was looking fo-"

But Kurt didn't stop to hear the rest of it, he did what his mind told him to do whenever he found himself in a social situation- run.

He didn't stop until he was in the library, trying to calm down his breathing. He sat down in a corner, still shaking. He got shoved around a lot, but usually his tormentors didn't try to talk to him. They would call awful stuff, for sure, but they never apologized. This was new. And he didn't understand it. Can't people just let him be and mind their own business?

He opened his chemistry book, determined to spend the next two hours without thinking about his issues.

He gave up only ten minutes later.

Why can't I be like everybody else?

Kurt wanted to have friends, no matter how often he told himself that he didn't need them, that he'd be fine without. He wanted to take part in the lessons, and he knew he was more than smart enough to do so. So why was his mind trying to ruin his life. Why was his body screaming at him to run whenever someone as much as looked at him? He hated how helpless he felt.

Well, Hummel, thinking wouldn't help your issues, you have to take wheel.Head up and walk out there! NOW!

The now became a "after the bell rang". But when Kurt entered the hallway he was determined to get to his english room before everybody else did.

He sighed when he walked through the classroom door, happy about the fact that he could chose a place rather than having to take what was left. Kurt went to the left corner, it was the back but still near the door, just like he wanted. He sat down and turned is eyes towards his table, not going to lift them until it was over.

Other pupils started to shuffle in and the room was quickly filled. They never needed all chairs though and the ones surrounding Kurt always stayed empty. People didn't knew about his issues, for them he was just weird and different - reason enough to keep the distance.

The other kids were talking loudly but Kurt still stared at his table. He hoped the teacher would arrive soon, the quicker the lesson started the quicker he could leave. Well, not exactly, but he liked to think this way anyway. He started to play defying gravitiy in his mind, a way to drown out all other noises. He didn't notice his teacher finally entered with a boy in tow.

"....and this is our new student, he transfered just this morning, so be nice to him and make sure to help him when he needs it." , at this words Kurt snapped out of his music, but kept his eyes down. A new student? In the middle of the year?

"Sit whereever you want, there are enough tables left." Kurt could hear the other pupils whispering but the only thing he hoped was that the boy wouldn't chose to sit near him. But sure enough he heard the feet moving across the tasteless linoleum floor heading in his direction. Kurt made himself even smaller, hoping the guy would be able to tell he didn't want any company. Haha, yeah, nice try. There were at least three chairs free next to him, so why would the idiot sit down right next to him. Thanks a lot for ruining the last managable lesson. Kurt didn't know why he was so angry at the guy. It wasn't his fault that Kurt felt that way, that his instincts screamed at him to get away at this moment. He bid down on his bottom lip, his face was probably red as a tomato by now. Not because he was angry, but because he was freaking uncomfortable. Kurt started to shift around on his chair, hoping that noone would notice and tried to escape to his music.

Come on Kurt, you can do this, you dealt with this stuff before.

"Hey, my name's Blaine." , well shit. Apparently this boy was determined to make him feel even worse. The frightened boy didn't react, trying to decide if he should make a run for it.

But then all eyes would be on him.

Something was weird though. He was sure he knew the voice...

"I didn't get the chance to intruduce myself properly this morning. And I'm still sorry.", the boy, Blaine, kept whispering.

Gosh, is this boy blind? Kurt couldn't make it clearer that he was not interested in talking. He even turned his head away, eyes on the wall next to him. His hands began to shake, so he put them under the table, waiting for the bell to release him.

"Would you mind showing me your notes after class? I have a lot to catch up to,"

Seriously now? Kurt's mind went blank, going into full panic mode. He felt helpless, unable to cope. He felt tears built up in his eyes and his hands weren't the only thing shaking by now. Kurt fought against it, but he knew he couldn't do anything than wait for it to go away once it started.

"Umm, are you okay?", Blaine asked, his voice soft and somehow worried.

Why the fuck shouldn't I? It's not like it's your fault!

Finally the bell rang and Kurt nearly tripped in his haste to get out. He hurried to his car, slamming the door shut behind him before his head hit the wheel. His hands were twitching, he wanted to punch something but tried to keep himself under control.