Jan. 22, 2012, 3:51 p.m.
Lost Within a World That Doesn't Care: Chapter 10
M - Words: 3,085 - Last Updated: Jan 22, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 15/? - Created: Dec 11, 2011 - Updated: Jan 22, 2012 288 0 0 0 0
Two weeks had passed since Kurt and Blaine had last talked. Blaine had gone back to school while Kurt stayed home, Burt finding it best for Kurt to stay home for a couple weeks before being thrown into the chaos. Since the last time Blaine had talked to him, Kurt had felt hollow. Even more hollow than before. Everything in his life was falling apart. Burt and Carole tried to get him back in the mix, but he just had a blank look in his eyes and slight frown on his lips. Burt worried about him and Carole stayed home to watch over him.
Finn himself updated the Glee club on everything that was going on, and let Blaine know how he was doing. Blaine was doing just as bad as Kurt, and he felt horrible for what he had said to Kurt, but he couldn't be around him when there were so many secrets hanging in the air.
But it has been two weeks and he hadn't heard from Kurt. It was like last year when Kurt had ignored him for weeks on end. It was almost exactly like it and Blaine hated it. But this time he doubted Kurt would show up on his doorstep, ready to spill all and to kiss Blaine passionately.
This time he didn't know if it would have a happy ending.
He had broken down multiple times, hidden behind the locked door of his room and lay down on his bed and cried. He promised Kurt he'd never leave. He promised he would always be there. But he had decided to leave Kurt. Decided to leave him alone in a time where he desperately needed him just because he wouldn't tell him what was going on. Maybe all he needed was to be held.
Blaine hoped. But with the way Kurt flinched at every touch, he doubted it. It was like when they first met and he hated the physical part of everything.
They had come so far and suddenly everything was ripped down and thrown into a dark hole to make it seem as if they had gotten no where. It made Blaine so frustrated, and even more so when he had no idea why it had been ruined like it had.
So many things were unknown, and he knew Kurt knew them. Of course he did. And that he didn't feel confident enough to let Blaine know had ripped Blaine to the core.
School was awful without Kurt. So many questions were asked in the halls that Blaine had tried to ignore. He had gotten into a shoving match with one of the hockey players who had made a rude comment about Kurt, and it almost escalated into a full blown fist fight till Figgins decided to cut in.
Blaine couldn't do this alone. And he knew Kurt shouldn't go through what he was going through alone.
He needed to fix this.
He was the one had let Kurt make the decision to call him. But Kurt was having such a hard time... And by the way Kurt had been acting, he wasn't waiting for a text or a call. He was sure Kurt would never call or text him.
And it was once again because Kurt was scared. His old fears were crowding back into his mind. Blaine was still caring for him even after everything, and it scared Kurt. No one was ever that good to him. Not even his father, or Carole or even Finn, as surprising as it is to say. Finn could barely understand what was going on and if Burt or Carole knew they would probably have tried to get him help.
But Kurt didn't want the help they were planning to provide. He wanted the help only love could give, and Blaine had been giving to him. It was only a matter of time before everything crumbled down around him. And his heart ached when Blaine left, but he expected it.
Everything he felt for Blaine was too much. It scared him still, even after all this time. It was so powerful, and it had a firm grip on Kurt's entire composure.
He was afraid to talk to Blaine about it because he was afraid that the only boy he'd ever loved would reject him. Would finally get fed up with the lies and secrets and leave him finally. Not leaving an open invitation to fix everything.
And when that happened, the firm hold would loosen and everything would come crashing down.
He had found that out the harsh way when Blaine had yelled and stormed away from him. He didn't want to live knowing Blaine hated him.
And if it happened for a final time, Kurt would make sure he'd never wake up in the hospital.
Blaine was his everything. He helped build Kurt up and helped him beat down his walls. And even as he built those walls back up, blocking him out, he still stayed even though it irritated him. And even when he had gotten too weak to try anymore, Blaine was still there, standing by his side.
Blaine was his life. His air. When Blaine was gone, it felt as if Kurt had nothing to breath. Like his heart had been ripped roughly from his chest.
And even as his entire life spiraled out of control, and even as he sat on his bed in his haze of depression, he knew that.
But just the thought of calling Blaine caused dread to squeeze his stomach. The worst news he had ever gotten could be at the end of that line. Or even face to face is he ever faced up the courage to talk to him.
But he didn't have the courage. So he slumped around his house, spending his days laying across the couch or his bed, breathing softly and staring into space. Carole had the right mind to leave him alone, though he knew she was always close by watching.
November 3rd. Blaine knew that date so well. Just the year before he had been dragging himself through school after confessing his feelings to Kurt weeks before just to be rejected. It was the day he had opened his front door to see the lithe body of Kurt standing there, silent and watchful. It was the day Kurt had initiated their first kiss on his front step. It was the day that he had promised Kurt he'd never leave him.
This November was much colder than the last, and he knew that it was ridiculous to walk, but he had to. It wouldn't work if he didn't try hard enough.
He had left his house around 5 in the afternoon, buttoning his black pea coat as he hurried down the sidewalk, the cold wind whipping around him. His fingerless gloves were a bad choice of accessory but he hadn't really thought everything over, even his hat was left back at his house.
Blaine's heart was hammering in his chest as he walked up the smooth concrete of the familiar drive-way, the homey two story before him. Blaine stepped up the front steps, glancing back to see that no one's car was there except for Kurt's Navigator. He took a deep breath, running his tongue over his cold lips as he reached forward to rap his knuckles against the door.
He stood and waited for someone to open the door, the cool wind crawling up Blaine's spine. His foot tapped in anticipation and when the door opened his hands shook. His eyes widened as he looked at Kurt before blushing and letting his gaze fall. The boy looked so confused and terrified seeing Blaine standing there. "Blaine, wh-"
Blaine reached up and in one smooth motion trapped Kurt's face in his hands and brought his lips to his. He slid his hands back into Kurt's soft locks, pinning their lips together. Kurt took a moment to melt into the kiss, stiff at first, before moving his hands along with Blaine's, his hands staying at his side. Blaine pulled his lips away, choking softly on his breath as he rested his forehead on Kurt's forehead. He closed his eyes tightly, licking his lips. "Kurt. Kurt Kurt." Blaine mumbled over and over.
Kurt shushed him with a soft tentative kiss to his lips. "Today... Today is the third."
"Yes."
"It's kind of like our anniversary." He murmured quietly, his hands shaking at his side.
Blaine opened his eyes, the pressure behind them almost unbearable. Kurt's eyes were closed and the expression on his face was so serene and peaceful. "Yeah," Blaine breathed.
"You- you remembered."
"Of course. I'll never forget that day."
"Do... Do you still love me?" Kurt's voice was strangled as he spoke.
"Kurt- yes. I love you. I have since I met you and I always will. I love you no matter what and I shouldn't have left you. I should have stayed there and held you in my arms. But I broke your promise and I walked away. But I'm here now. And I promise not to break that promise again. Or any promise at that. I love you, and I'll give you all the time in the world to tell me what you want to tell me." He let his hands trail down to cup his face again, placing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.
Tears were falling from Kurt's closed eyes as he controlled his breathing. "I just- I need to know that no matter what you'll never leave me."
"I'll never leave you ever again. I love you, Kurt. I love you, so much. You're my life."
Kurt let out a sob and Blaine pressed their lips together again. "I love you, Blaine."�Blaine gave a shuddery breath at those words. He loved hearing that phrase once again fall from Kurt's lips. "And I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for ruining this relationship. And I'm sorry for trying to- to kill myself." Kurt began to ramble out before Blaine stopped him once more.
"Please, stop. Stop apologizing. Just. Just let me kiss you." Blaine kissed Kurt without another word, his eyes closing as his fingers drifted over Kurt's skin.
Kurt reached up and curled his fingers around Blaine's wrist and pulled one of his hands away from his face. Reluctantly, he pulled away to part their lips. "L-let's go inside. It's cold and I want to talk to you..." Kurt murmured. Blaine nodded, intertwining his fingers with Kurt's as he let Kurt lead him inside and up the stairs. Once they got to Kurt's bedroom, Kurt let Blaine's hand go and closed the door after they stepped in. Blaine stood at the end of the bed as Kurt walked over and crawled on tithe bed, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the comforter. He looked up, his eyes red and his lips slightly swollen from their kissing. He patted the material of the blanket next to him and looked at Blaine expectantly. Blaine slipped out of his coat and shoes, placing them on the desk chair before crawling on the bed to sit next to Kurt. Kurt turned, so they were facing each other, their knees touching. He reached over and took Blaine's hands in his and lifted one to move Blaine's hand to his cheek. He leaned into his slightly callused palm, Blaine watching every movement silently. "You can trust me." Blaine whispered, "I won' leave you. Know matter what."
Kurt looked at Blaine, seeing the truth glow in his eyes, the love and the trust. Kurt let their intertwined hands fall back to his lap before retracting both his hands.
He took a deep, shuddering breath in and slowly let it out. He curled his arms around himself as he felt his eyes sting with tears of remembrance. He was going to bring back so many painful images. "Blaine, just. I'm going to tell you something. And you're going to be disgusted and horrified by me when I'm done. And yes, you just promised me you'd stay. But I wouldn't think any less of you if you want nothing to do with me after this." Kurt's voice was quiet and strained as he watched Blaine's face.
Blaine was confused and scared at the same time. What could Kurt have done that would make him be disgusted by him? Nothing, Blaine told himself. Nothing could make him be disgusted by this beautiful boy. "Kurt. I will never leave you. And I mean it."
Kurt ducked his head as he felt a rush of tears. He dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he tried to compose himself before looking up an locking his eyes with Blaine's. "Two months ago. I-in September. I-I went out with Finn and Rach-chel."
Blaine nodded, "Yes.... You were texting me."
Kurt tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he looked at Blaine's innocent expression. He took another shaky breath before continuing. "There was th-this... guy. I wasn't drinking. I wanted to be the sober one out of all us. But this guy, bought me a drink. At first he just bought me... My regular. He came over and sat next to me and- and-" Kurt stopped, clenching his eyes shut for a moment, curling his arms tighter around himself. "Tried talking to me. He tried to get me to drink. And I told him no. Constantly. And I pointed out that I was taken. That I had a boyfriend who I was madly in love with. But it's like that didn't matter to him. He bought me a drink anyway. And I got out my phone to check for messages from you and he knocked my phone to the ground-" Blaine's face was twisted into a look of horror and disbelief but he tried to keep it all hidden behind a pokerface. "He must have d-drugged me when I got down to get my phone..." Kurt's heart lodged in his throat at the hurt look on Blaine's face.
"It effected me quickly. I can barely remember anything at the bar. He got me to his dorm somehow, and- and that's when I began to sober up." Kurt's voice was so quiet as he watched how his boyfriend would react. He tried to keep up his pokerface act but it was soon crumbling. "He- he began to kiss me and I shoved him away. I told him I had a b-boyfriend again. And he said something about it not mattering to him. And how you w-weren't there so it d-didn't matter." Blaine's face scrunched into an expression so sad that Kurt felt the tears begin to fall from his eyes. "He forced me onto his bed face d-down and then- then- then-" Kurt couldn't continue. Suddenly the pictures were flooding in and he broke down, his fingers pressing into his side. Blaine moved and soon Kurt was pulled into his lap as Blaine cradled him against his chest. Blaine had begun to cry himself, holding the boy close and kissing his hair. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. I shouldn't have let it happen. I-I'm a whore," Kurt was sobbing as his fingers curled in the material of Blaine's button-down.
Blaine was furious. He already knew how the story ended without Kurt explaining. "Kurt, please, stop apologizing." His voice was soft, his voice breaking as his own tears made their way down his face. He buried his face in Kurt's hair and took in his smell. "It's not your fault. Not your fault at all. You aren't a whore. Don't you dare tell yourself that." How could someone do that? Especially to a poor, innocent boy like Kurt. How could- that monster.
Kurt pulled away, hiccuping as he cried. "Blaine, it was my fault. If I wouldn't have been so careless. If I hadn't acted like I enjoyed his compliments- It was all my fault."
"Kurt Hummel, stop saying that." Blaine demanded. "It wasn't your fault. It was the monster who did this to you's fault. It's normal for people to enjoy compliments. And you weren't careless. He knocked the phone out of your hand- once again his fault." Blaine murmured, sniffling as he reached up to run his thumb over his cheekbone. "Babe, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone? This man who did this needs put away."
"I was so afraid. I continuously told myself that it was all my fault. I told myself everyone would agree and hate me. They'd all agree with me being a whore and hate me. Everyone would want to leave me after they found out. And you. I was so terrified. I still am. Terrified that you'd find me disgusting. That you'd call me a whore and break up with me. That you'd never want to touch me again because I was spoiled."
"Oh, Kurt..." Blaine whimpered leaning towards Kurt to kiss him. "I would never find you disgusting. I wish you would have let me know. I wish I could have helped. I wish I could have been there to stop him from hurting you." Everything was dawning on him. Why Kurt had been limping and complaining about being sore and blushing when he sat down with a whimper. The way he continued to flinch and move away when Blaine tried to touch him. "You should have told someone."
"I can't, Blaine. We can't tell anyone- please." Kurt begged as he continued to let the tears flow freely.
"But Kurt-"
"Blaine, I'm already going to be known as the kid who tried to kill themselves- I don't want to be known as the fag who got raped too. Think of all the awful things, Blaine."
Blaine could already hear the sneers of "That's what he gets for being a queer"; "He probably deserved it, that whore". Blaine knew Kurt wouldn't be able to hand all the remarks. He nodded and hugged Kurt close. "Okay. We won't tell anyone." It pained Blaine to say that. If he had his choice he'd be calling the police now and finding the bastard that did that to his boyfriend. But Kurt was so afraid to people finding out and he knew that since Lima was so small, everyone would know in a matter of days.
And that's how things continued that night. Blaine held Kurt for hours as he shook and cried, sometimes pulling away to kiss quietly. And really, Blaine had so many feelings happening at the moment. Horrified and disgusted by the story he had been told and then at re same time happy and relieved that Kurt had taken him back and told him about it.
And he wasn't leaving Kurt this time. He was going to stay by his side for as long as he could.