Oh, wow. This phrase really does sound ridiculous.
My brother Cooper bought me this journal. He said it would help me to put some of my thoughts in the right order, capture them on the paper or whatever. I know he’s gonna read all of it, no matter where I’ll hide this stupid thing. Well, it’s not that he wants to be the mean brother, you know, read about my personal stuff and then mock me for the rest of my life. He’s an adult, he wouldn’t do that. Well, few years back, he would. But like I said, he’s a grown-up now. And he’s just worried. So Cooper, if you’re reading this, I don’t blame you. I know you’re scared I’m gonna do the same thing he did. And I’m writing this to let you know, that I’m not. I’m okay, Cooper. Anyway, as okay as I can be.

I should probably explain who is this he. Or more like, who was this he. And what exactly has he done that makes my brother so scared and worried about me.

I feel bad for calling him he. He has a name after all. Has, had… I will never get used to that. Anyway.

His name was Kurt.

And I guess I didn’t get a chance to get to know him well, but here’s few things I do know about the person he was before he died.

First of all, Kurt loved coffee. And I guess it was one of the many things we had in common. I don’t really remember his coffee order, but then again, we didn’t meet enough times. Maybe I’d learn with time. Who knows.

He loved musicals and show tunes. He dreamt about Broadway and New York. And he was an excellent singer. I still remember his voice. A little high-pitched, but so clear and beautiful. It's surreal, but his voice was simply like a crystal.

Kurt’s eyes were blue. I think they were, but honestly, it’s so hard to tell now. Because sometimes they were grey. With gold rings around the pupils. And just when you thought you were sure about their color, the sunshine would make them green. I’ve always found this fascinating. I still do. I’m not sure how it’s possible to have such colorful eyes. When he was smiling, they were so full of light. And Kurt used to smile a lot. Anyway, he used to smile a lot around me.

But there was also this other side of Kurt I got to see.

The one with his eyes filled with tears and the bottom lip trembling dangerously. His eyelids would shut tightly, just to hide the tears from me, but I didn’t mind when he was crying. Okay, that sounds wrong. It was painful to watch, but I wanted to be his friend, even if I knew him for less than a month. And I didn't mind being a shoulder he could cry on. Sometimes I managed to make him laugh. And when he was laughing, his nose used to crinkle in the most fantastic way. And suddenly everything was okay.

Kurt was beautiful. Kurt was alive. And he was that kind of person that makes you feel alive as well.

That’s why I’ll never understand why he did what he did.

So this is his story.

The story of a boy I wanted to get to know better, but I didn’t have a chance to. The story I still need to fully understand.

I met Kurt in the beginning of November. And I never told him that, but that day sucked. Until he came along, and made it a whole lot better.

That day I was late for class. That day I received my essay back and I got a B-, and usually I’m straight-A student. That day I had a fight with my father. That day everything was just going wrong.

When Wes patted me in the arm before my Math class, telling me that the Warblers were doing another impromptu performance, I was so angry that I didn’t felt like singing at all. But I couldn’t let them down, so I simply nodded in agreement. I let down people in my life enough times in the past.

I followed the other students down the stairs and I was just about to turn left, when I heard that soft, shy voice.

“Uhm, excuse me. Hi.”

I was in hurry, and I really didn’t wanted to waste my time on new kid who was probably just lost on his way to classes, but eventually I decided to be polite. I turned around and then I saw him.

The most interesting creature I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

And suddenly I felt calm. I don't really know how to describe it. The whole anger went away, and my muscles finally relaxed. I didn’t even realize how tense I was the whole day.

The boy didn’t wear school uniform, but his outfit resembled a little our school colors. 'Well, isn't that strange.'

“Can I ask you a question?” the boy asked and smiled a little awkwardly. “I’m new here.”

‘You look familiar.’ I wanted to say. The "Have we met before?" line sounded really lame, especially in my head, but I couldn't help it. I opened my mouth to speak and then… I immediately closed it.

Because I knew exactly where I’ve seen this boy before.

Sectionals. I was in the audience to see Vocal Adrenaline winning another trophy, and there was this other school choir who came in the third place. New Directions. Wes had told me that we compete against them in this year’s Regionals, so I saw few pictures of them in the Internet as well.

I looked again at Kurt’s lack of uniform, and I had to keep myself from grinning widely.

Well, well. We had a spy.

I decided to play oblivious.

“My name’s Blaine.” I said smiling kindly, and I extended a hand.

“Kurt. ” The boy smiled back and shook the offered hand, looking somehow relieved. He must have thought that I figured out the truth. Well, I did. But he didn’t have to know that. Instead, I explained to him what exactly was going on, and why the students were so excited. And then I offered him a shortcut. I simply grabbed his hand, and I pulled him down the remaining few stairs, leading him towards the empty corridor.

I couldn’t remember the last time I got to hold another boy’s hand, but I quickly remembered how nice it feels. And somewhere, deep down inside me, I didn’t want to let go. And suddenly the singing didn’t seem like such a bad idea. I really hoped Kurt liked the song we were about to perform. I kind of wanted to impress that boy.

“I stick out like a sore thumb.” I remember him saying.

“Next time don’t forget your jacket, new kid.” I teased, although I’m not really sure if it was exactly what I said at that moment. But I remember the look on Kurt’s face. I guess he already knew that I figured it all out. But in that moment it didn’t matter. I started singing, my eyes fixed on Kurt the whole time. And I wanted to laugh, because I’ve never serenaded a boy before. And here I was, singing Katy Perry to a total stranger. But I guess Kurt didn’t mind. He was smiling the whole time, and I was smiling too, because I’ve never had anyone looking at me like that. And it felt absolutely great.

I should have told him that. I should have told him a lot of things. And when I think about this now, I wouldn’t mind making him smile every day of my life. Because I have a feeling that we could have been friends. Best friends. Friends for the lifetime.

But Kurt killed himself. And now I will never know.

And I guess that I lied in the beginning.

I’m most definitely not okay.