Chapter Twenty: Listen
TPD: Silly Love Songs (finally!) through Blame It on the Alcohol

Blaine felt so much better now that he was back on hormones. He felt more like himself, more level, more confident. Everything was going his way. He and Kurt were becoming really great friends- Kurt even jumped to his defense when he tried to convince the Warblers to sing off-campus.

Which is unfortunately when the roller coaster he was riding reached the top of the hump and began speeding down.

We went out for coffee twice.

God, he was stupid. He was so stupid. Jeremiah was just trying to be nice. Trying to make him feel accepted. Blaine felt like the stupid kid brother all over again. Cooper had enjoyed their summer together well enough, but when it came down to it, no one wanted him for just him. He was just some sad little thing they wanted to make smile but really had no personal attachment to. Just a project. A social obligation.

Valentine's day sucked.

Especially the part where Kurt thought Blaine had been in love with him? What did that mean? Was Kurt-? Blaine didn't know what to do. Kurt was wonderful and attractive and a really good friend, but Blaine could not and would not ask him on a date. He'd been through that with Justin, and Blaine was pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to bear having someone else look at him weird or abandon him right after the The Warblers' Gap Ka-splat. He made a mental note to stop naming it things. In fact, he decided it would just be best to forget it ever happened, forget he ever knew Jeremiah.

He'd just find a nice bisexual somewhere. Or, better yet, he would just give up on love entirely. He had friends. He had... Well, who knew what he'd have a year from now when his parents ripped him away from Dalton, from everything he'd grown to love.

If they insisted he pretend to be a girl, he'd run away. He didn't care. If they chased him, he'd keep running If they caught him, he'd run again. If he couldn't run... Well, he'd meant that suicide threat. He'd rather die than go back to what he'd had before. God, and when they found out he was gay on top of it all... He'd be surprised if his dad didn't go into a murderous rage and beat him to death.

He was all but jumping for joy when Kurt invited him to a house party. There'd be alcohol, and Blaine was going to put as much of it in his stomach as he could. It was fantastic. It was brilliant. His head was swimming with lightning and puppies and really great dance beats.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd had so much fun. It didn't even matter that Kurt was probably only hanging out with him because he wanted to get into what he mistakenly thought was in Blaine's pants and, gosh, Finn was tall. If he weren't so straight... But if it were spin the bottle, no one would question that, and Blaine was fully prepared to kiss one Finn Hudson. Actually, being back on hormones had made him want to kiss just about everything, so he wasn't even disappointed when fate or gravity or centrifugal force or whatever it was paired him and Rachel Berry.

"Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world!"

He crawled halfway across the circle as she spoke and they kissed. And Blaine felt that kiss run straight down his core like he'd been stabbed, but then it turned into water and bubbles, and he reached out to cradle the side of her head because if she pulled away right now, it was going to ruin his night.

Blaine pulled away, feeling like something was finally going right.

"I think I just found a new duet partner!" Rachel cried out, and Blaine was all too happy to join her on the ridiculous little stage for a song. God, it was fun. God, he felt good. What if he wasn't gay? What if he and Rachel were meant to be? He could maybe get his parents to accept him as male, and then he wouldn't have to go through it all again because he'd have Rachel.

God, she was a good singer.

He was perfectly content to spend the rest of the night making out with her.

God, and she was so much fun. They went on a date, and it was so much fun. Everything was perfect.

Except Kurt.

Blaine had thought Kurt was his friend, but apparently not. Apparently, just like everyone else, Kurt cared about something that he could get from Blaine and not about Blaine. He didn't want to be Blaine's friend. His jealousy was practically smothering, and Blaine just wanted... He wanted to be at least a little normal, and maybe he was. He owed it to himself to find out. He'd lived so long, convinced... What if maybe he was attracted to girls and it was just his own personal dysphoria that he'd projected onto them? Maybe it was only his own female parts that he felt so unattracted to.

Except it wasn't. Rachel kiss-attacked him in the Lima Bean, and he barely kept it together. He felt nothing. He thanked her, because she really had done him a service. She'd proved that he really was just gay. He excused himself to go wash his mouth. He could feel the ghost of failure still on his lips and he wanted it gone.

There wasn't any time to pretend he wasn't going to have to deal with this. He'd been putting it off and putting it off.

"Mom?"

"Hi, sweetie."

His mom sounded afraid of him. Great.

"I need to talk to you. And dad. And I need you to listen."