It was November of his freshman year when Kurt Hummel stuck his head tentatively around the door of a classroom and first saw Sebastian Smythe. It wasn’t his looks that first piqued Kurt’s attention, although he was admittedly very attractive, nor was it the brand new Alexander McQueen vest he wore over his stylishly crumpled shirt. It was the fact that there he stood, holding court in front of an entire group of students, telling a story about being gay, and not only was he not being vilified, they actually seemed to be lapping it up.

Kurt crept quietly in and let the door click shut behind him. He listened to Sebastian speak for a full twenty minutes about a guy he had been pursuing, watching as the gathered group laughed because it was hilarious and not because they thought Sebastian was a joke. Kurt didn’t even give a second thought to the fact that talking non-stop about yourself for twenty minutes suggested a certain self-centredness; he was too busy laughing along to care.

It was a revelation.

When the bell rang signaling the end of the free period, and the group began to disperse, Kurt adjusted the strap of his messenger bag on his shoulder, took a deep breath, and walked over to where Sebastian was packing away his things. He waited a moment for the other boy to look up, and dipped his head when their eyes met, embarrassed suddenly.

“I’m Kurt” he offered, holding out his hand.

Sebastian nodded, and linked his fingers with Kurt’s tighter than was strictly necessary; smiled like he’d won a prize.

“Sebastian” he replied, and Kurt said “I know”.

*

By late December they were quite the twosome. They would hit bars together, under the guise of Sebastian teaching Kurt the ways of the world, and Kurt would sip his drink slowly and watch as his new friend flirted his way around the men, sexual orientation almost irrelevant. If it were him, Kurt thought, he might do it differently. Sebastian’s methods tended to involve an aggressive pursuit, often in the form of a handshake followed by his tongue meeting theirs, and although it mostly seemed to work a treat, Kurt craved a little bit of romance. But what did he know?, he thought as he watched Sebastian score for the umpteenth time. He’d never done this before. Maybe this was just the way it was supposed to go.

By January Sebastian’s frankly scary confidence had began to rub off on Kurt, and he began to date guys himself. There was Jason from his History of Music class, and Tyler the voice major who professed to be straight in public but still loved holding Kurt’s hand. They were sweet, and attractive, and on each of their dates Kurt smiled and smiled until his cheeks hurt from the effort, and then he’d lean in and kiss them and they always kissed back. But then the night would end, and they would leave, and Kurt would feel just as empty as he did before. Something wasn’t landing, wasn’t right. He always gave up after a few dates; always went back to Friday nights watching Sebastian charm his way around a bar. Kurt was comfortable here, he thought. There was nothing to worry about, and he knew that at the end of the night Sebastian would untangle himself from whatever lithe dancer he’d been wrapped around and leave with Kurt; they’d stay up talking, spend the next day just hanging out. It was nice, Kurt thought, to have a friend who understood him.

It was February when it happened; Valentines day, and wasn’t that a cliché? It was late when they arrived back at Sebastian’s apartment, and Kurt settled in at his end of the sofa while Sebastian uncorked a bottle of wine.

It took about half a glass for the sadness to hit, and about ten minutes after that for Sebastian to notice.

“You ok?” he asked, and Kurt was surprised, as for some reason he always was when Sebastian’s tender side came out.

“Yeah. It’s just…Valentine’s day” Kurt admitted. “All these people are celebrating their love for one special person, and I’ve barely even had a boyfriend. I just get sad…”

Kurt hadn’t noticed Sebastian putting down his wine glass and moving closer. He hadn’t noticed the look on his best friend’s face, so he flinched when Sebastian took his hand.

“I just wish somebody could feel like that about me” Kurt whispered, and Sebastian lifted Kurt’s fingers to his lips, and kissed his knuckles, and said “Somebody already does”.

Kurt fell asleep in Sebastian’s bed that night. He felt Sebastian’s tongue tangled with his own, and came apart under Sebastian’s hands, and when he woke up, he felt fuller somehow.

As Spring passed, they fell in to something and began to call it love.

*

But that had been three whole years ago. Three years of conceding points to keep Sebastian calm, and making excuses with his friends because his boyfriend couldn’t quite make the effort, and, admittedly, really great sex but not much more. Three long years, and Kurt was tired. His heart felt like it was crumbling under the weight of a million tiny stress fractures; like one more blow might break him.

The blow came the night of Rachel’s concert.

*

“It’s just two hours of your life” Kurt pleaded. “Please, for me, will you come”.

Sebastian sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he paced the box room.

“Kurt, Rachel hates me. I hate all this musical theatre stuff, she isn’t my friend, why would I go?”

He sounded genuinely confused, and that made Kurt angry rather than placating him.

“For me” he almost-screamed, and Sebastian retreated, holding his hands up in surrender.

And then, a whisper this time: "I can't do this anymore".

“Can’t do what?” Sebastian asked, reaching his hand out or Kurt’s wrist, which he swiftly pulled back.

“This, Sebastian”. He gestured between them, watched the realization appear on Sebastian’s face, felt oddly proud.

“You're breaking up with me because I wont go to a concert with you?” Sebatian asked, incredulous.

“No” Kurt corrected him “I’m not breaking up with you right now because honestly I don’t have time, and we need to talk about it. But when I get back from Rachel’s concert, which yes, you’re right, thank you, I should go to alone, we will be talking about it. And for the record, if we do end up breaking up, it won’t be because you didn’t come to a concert with me. It’ll be because love shouldn’t be this hard Sebastian. It’s about compromise and you don’t give me any, and it’s about happiness, and I lost mine a long time ago”. Kurt spoke without thinking, without breathing almost, and was panting by the time he stopped.

Sebastian looked at him, his face cold, unmoving.

“But I love you” he said.

“Isn’t that enough?”

“Maybe not” Kurt told him, gathering his jacket and bag from the floor. He took a breath, felt calm wash over him.

“Lets talk later”.

Kurt made himself brush a soft kiss across Sebastian’s cheek as he left the room. He forced himself not to cry as he arranged his bag on his shoulder, slung the jacket over the crook of his arm.

He knew it was over.

*

Kurt walked quickly down 72nd to the subway station, hoping that if he kept moving, and stopped thinking, he’d be able to ignore the gravity of what he may have just done. He swiped his metro card and half-glided down the stairs to the platform, which was full of city commuters making their way downtown after work.

Kurt tapped his foot impatiently, desperate to just get to the venue and be with people he knew, eve if he couldn’t quite call them friends. He surged forward with the crowd as the train pulled in, and crowded into the carriage, his back pressed against the doors as they closed. The train pulled out and Kurt breathed. Despite the drama that insisted n arising in his personal life, this night was about Rachel, who against all expectation had become his best friend, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to enjoy it.

*

Blaine was supposed to meet Dan at the hotel. His boyfriend had taken an earlier flight for work, and Blaine was supposed to be there in time for a pre-concert dinner, but his flight was delayed, and then it took forever to get a taxi, and of course the rush hour traffic was in full swing.

Which was how Blaine found himself at the 72nd Street subway station, having abandoned his cab, and his dinner plans.

“I’ll meet you at the theatre” he half-shouted into Dan’s voicemail, trying to raise his voice above the volume of the traffic as he rushed down the steps to the platform.

He just missed the train.

*

Hummel. I’m on Rachel Berry’s guest list” Kurt said to the box office clerk, who smiled kindly as she began rifling through the box of tickets.

“Two of you?” she asked, holding up the tickets, and Kurt felt his heart pinch in his chest, his face fall.

“Oh um…no. Just me, now”.

The clerk smiled again, something in her eyes letting Kurt know that she knew the feeling.

“I’ll tell you what” she spoke quietly, leaning towards him conspiratorially “I can move you to the circle, to a better seat, if you’d like? We have much better availability for single attendees”.

Kurt cringed internally, but knew she meant well.

“Yes, please” he said quickly, desperate to keep his embarrassment to a minimum. He’d been to plenty of events alone, of course, but never had there been a second ticket waiting with his, making his rejection obvious to anyone who was witnessing it.

She took out a marker pen and quickly changed the seat number on his ticket. The thought of not having to look at an empty seat beside him buoyed Kurt as he walked away from the desk, smiling at the attractive guy behind him, admiring his dark blonde hair and almost flawless fashion sense.

“Anderson” the guy said as he stepped up to the desk.

“They’re under my boyfriend’s name. Anderson”.

“First name?” the clerk asked, and Kurt was too far away to hear the man say “Blaine”.

 *

Kurt peered over the balcony to where he should have been sitting to see if he could make out anyone he knew. The majority of their friends were scattered around the auditorium, but each performer had been given a guest list so it was entirely possible that Rachel’s family were sitting down below.

He tried not to let his gaze linger too long on the empty seats in the middle of the fourth row. He should have been there, he thought, holding hands with Sebastian, excited to watch his best friend sing. Instead he was sitting alone, in an admittedly better seat, but hoping it wasn’t true that momentous evenings lost all their meaning without someone to share them with.

The last of the crowds were filing in now, and Kurt couldn’t see anyone he recognized, so he sunk back in the plush red seat and flicked through the playbill.

The male soloist was a boy called Trent he only vaguely knew. They’d auditioned for the same shows; been to a few of the same parties, but Kurt knew nothing about him beyond the fact that he was supposed to be great. His lack of jealousy stung for a moment; Kurt wanted to care that it wasn’t him up there, he really did, but the passion just wasn’t there right now. Kurt sighed. People found inspiration all the time, he told himself. It would come back. Something had to give, though, he thought. He glanced once more down at the empty seats. Maybe, he thought, Kurt Hummel just wasn’t supposed to be part of a pair.

* 

The warning bell was ringing as Blaine tumbled through the door of the theatre and spotted Dan waiting in the lobby.

“Hey, sorry” he gasped out, lightly kissing Dan’s cheek and dragging him towards the auditorium entrance.

“It’s fine, we have time. Wes and Nick are in the circle somewhere, they say they’ll see you at intermission” Dan said, rearranging Blaine’s hand as they walked so that their fingers were intertwined, rather than crushed beneath Blaine’s vice grip.

“Where do we go?” Blaine asked the usher, flashing the tickets in her direction. She glanced over at the seats and frowned.

“You’re just there in the fourth row, towards the middle. Is it just the two of you?”

Blaine confirmed it was.

“Ok” she sighed “I guess the two for the seats next to you are running late, but we’ll have to start. Enjoy the show guys”.

She shone her torch, unnecessary in the light, towards the empty seats, watching as Blaine and Dan pushed through the rest of the row and settled just in time to see the curtain rise and the lights go down.

*

Kurt had hightailed it to the stage door as soon as the curtain fell. He wanted to be the first to see Rachel; wanted to be the first to congratulate his best friend on what had been, by all accounts, a flawless performance.

“Excuse me…” his voice was apologetic as he maneuvered around the older couple waiting for autographs.

“I’m not sure you can just walk in there…” the gentleman began, and Kurt smiled.

“I’m with Rachel Berry”.

The words felt good in his mouth; to his ears. He knew it wouldn’t be the last time he was welcomed at a stage door just for knowing her, but it was the first, and he already knew it was a feeling he could get used to.

“Oh pass on our congratulations” the woman enthused, “She was so good”.

“Yeah”, Kurt agreed, “She really was, wasn’t she?”

He smiled his goodbye and was waved through by the security on the door.

“She’s on the 4th floor, room 6” he called after Kurt.

“Thanks” Kurt turned around and beamed, pressing the button for the elevator as he did.

Rachel was waiting when he reached the sixth floor, launching herself at Kurt before he’d even fully stepped out of the elevator. Her stage makeup was barely clinging on to her face, ravaged by the heat of the lights and, Kurt guessed, probably some tears, but she had honestly never looked more beautiful.

“Congratulations” he breathed into her neck, and he felt her body shake with delighted laughter.

“Thank you. I was great wasn’t I?” she asked sincerely, pulling back until he was far enough away for her to look in to his eyes.

“You really really were” Kurt promised as he guided her towards the open door of her dressing room-her dressing room, the first professional dressing room of her career- and closed the door behind them.

“I had to manouvere around your legion of fans at the stage door”

“Well why didn’t they come up?” Her voice was confused, and Kurt softly grabbed her wrist.

“People we don’t know, Rach. Stranger fans!”.

Rachel’s squeal was interrupted by a tap at the door, and when it swung open her dads and Tyler-from-voice-class were waiting, just giving her an excuse to re-start the squeal at a slightly higher pitch.

Kurt knew he should get away before the calgary descended. He’d re-join his friends wherever they were going later, but first he had to talk to Sebastian. It was done, and that was not the kind of burden Kurt could keep to himself any longer.

“Hey Rach, I need to…head” He hoped she picked up on the inflection in his voice. She was the only one who knew about his issues with Sebastian, and even that was only by default when he’d refused to come to the show.

She leaned away from Tyler’s embrace, and oh, Kurt thought, maybe the straight thing wasn’t just an act. He’d have to keep an eye on that.

“Will we see you later?” she asked.

“Definitely…I just have to…do something first”.

Rachel smiled knowingly.

“We’ll be at my place. That way everyone can crash if they drink too much to go home and the freshmen can hang out without worrying” She glanced at Tyler, who Kurt remembered was only 20. Making plans around him? Maybe Rachel cared more than Kurt had realized.

“Ok, I’ll text you when I’m on my way…bye Berry’s…see you later Tyler”.

Even the thought of breaking up with Sebastian, because he couldn’t sugar coat it, that was what he was on his way to do, couldn’t dull Kurt’s high as he walked back out to the elevator. He pressed the call button, and stepped in as the door slid open.

“Hey hold the elevator?” he heard a call from down the corridor, so quickly jammed his back against one of the doors to stop it from closing. It was the blonde guy from the box office queue, running towards him from the direction of what Kurt assumed was Trent’s dressing room. Gorgeous, Kurt thought, because he could allow himself to think that now without feeling guilt about his ever-failing relationship.

“Thanks” the guy breathed out, darting into the elevator, and Kurt stepped back, letting the doors close.

“Are you a friend of Rachel?” the guy asked.

“The very best” Kurt nodded as he spoke, and the hot-elevator-guy smiled.

“Congrats. She was great”.

“Thanks, she really was right? So do you…know Trent?” 

Hot-elevator-guy nodded.

“Yeah my boyfriend was in high school with him.  I kind of adopted all their friends when we got together so…” he trailed off.

“Well he was great, really, really good” Kurt professed, and hot-elevator-guy smiled.

“Hey…” Kurt thought aloud “You guys should come and hang out tonight. Rachel’s having people at her place for drinks, there would be space for you all…it could be fun?”

Hot-elevator-guy smiled.

“That sounds great. I have to go and find my boyfriend and see what he wants to do, then we’re heading back up to Trent’s room, but we could see you guys there later?”

Kurt nodded.

“Sounds good. I have to go…deal with something first, but I’ll be heading over in a while. If you’re going back up, just get the address from Rachel. Tell her Kurt invited you”.

‘Kurt?”

Kurt nodded.

“I’m Dan” the stranger held out his hand, and Kurt shook it.

The elevator doors rolled open and both men stepped out.

“I have to go find my boyfriend” Dan gestured towards the stage door “but it was great to meet you”.

“You too." he gestured towards the restroom with a small smile and turned away before stopping. "Maybe see you later?"

The stranger nodded, and smiled as he disappeared through the stage door. Kurt began to brace himself as he walked towards the bathroom. As desperate as he was to just-do-it, he was also kind of putting off the inevitable. Sebastian had been his life for the better part of three years, and everything he knew was doubtless about to change.

He stood in front of the mirror and splashed his face with water, looking at is reflection for a trace of the Kurt Hummel that had come to New York with a dream and a suitcase full of optimism. He was in there, somewhere, Kurt knew. Tonight, he thought, might just be the first step on the way to finding him.

*

The apartment was dark when Kurt opened the door. He assumed Sebastian had grown tired of waiting and gone out, but the soft sound of a Rihanna song coming from the kitchen told him he was wrong.

“I’m back…” he called as he walked towards the sound, flicking light switches as he passed them, not wanting to do this in darkness, not want to make it feel more sinister and negative than it already would.

“I’m in the kitchen”

Sebastian’s voice was thick with something Kurt couldn’t quite place, and it worried him, but the time for backing out had long since passed. He walked in to the kitchen, saw Sebastian sitting at the table with an empty glass in front of him.

“I’m sorry” Sebastian said, not looking up, and Kurt said “I kissed someone else”.

It was pretty quick after that. Nobody shouted, nobody cried, nobody tried to change the outcome. Kurt presented the facts as if they had happened to someone else, unfeeling, never letting himself sound wistful, or apologetic. This was just something that had happened, and now they were done. Right now wasn’t the time for latent emotions to come to the surface.

“Do you love him?” Sebastian asked, when it was over.

“No” Kurt answered honestly, because he didn’t, not yet.

“Are you going to look for him?”

There was a silence, one Kurt recognized in retrospect as the type that can change everything. Their eyes met: Kurt looking to Sebastian, Sebastian looking back, and Kurt lifted his chin, and squared his shoulders, and smiled, and said “Yes”.