Blank

Adjective

We didn’t tell anybody, not even my dad.

Nobody knew that for three days, 72 hours, 4320 minutes, give or take, you and I were…not you-and-I.

I just remember the crying. I remember you crying, and me begging you to stop, and then I remember you walking out of the room, so quietly, so without fanfare or panache.

And that was how I knew you meant it.

The house had never been so tidy. I was angry, at first, so I scrubbed and scrubbed, pounding at every surface, trying to remove every trace of you.

I realized quickly that doing so would mean removing every trace of me.

Next came denial. There was no way you were gone, Blaine. No way. So I just…carried on. I made dinner, and I set the table for two, and isn’t that a cliché?

You didn’t come home.

After denial came sadness, self-loathing, and missing you so hard that it felt….loud, almost. Like the sound of my missing you was overpowering every other thought, every other feeling.

Like all that was left of me was my ability to miss you.

I couldn’t even cry.

On the morning of the third day, I picked up the phone. I dialed your number seven times before I let myself press call; before I decided that I loved you so much more than I hated whatever-it-was we were fighting about.

You didn’t even let it ring once before you answered.

Our stupid mistake had erased you, too.

*

Bomb

Noun

You were dynamite, and not in a good way.

You would hold it all together, and brush everything off, but I knew what the cracks looked like; knew the way your breath sounded when you were close to cracking.

And when that time came, it could be as small as a single word. One miniscule thing, and you would blow.

And I would be the one you’d run to.

When they find a bomb, they call in the experts. The rest of the world are sent away; evacuated to safety while the subject is diffused. A controlled explosion; I watch you while you rage, and spiral, hold you while you remember how to breathe.

I loved that I was that person, for you.

It’s selfish, but I almost enjoyed the days you lost yourself for a while. It made me feel important to you, knowing I was the only one who could bring you back.

* 

Bouquet

Noun

I bought them to make myself feel less guilty. I was jealous, of your talent, of your appeal.

I couldn’t tell you that though.

I told you they were to celebrate you, and as I said it, it became true.

It was the first time I knew that love could be selfless. Everything you had, I yearned for.

I wanted it for you more, though.

For the first time, I wanted it for you more.

*

Boxing

Noun

It was my cue to go away.

I was scared, the first time. Was it me you imagined as you pounded the leather? I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t ask, just incase.

I learned in time that, usually, it wasn’t anybody at all.

It was just your way of keeping control.

So I let you go. I knew that when you were ready, free of tension and full of adrenaline, you’d come back to me.

All I had to do was be waiting.

*

Brave

Adjective

You gave me courage when you could have used a dose yourself.

That is true bravery.

That is true love.

I hope you know I’m trying every day to return that. All I want is to give you everything you gave to me.