Chapter 4

It was almost midnight and the storm was still raging outside. Blaine had been gone for close to an hour now and Kurt was battling between worry and giving him his space. He debated texting him when he picked up his phone to check the time, but decided to give him a few more minutes.

Kurt reclined back on the bed again, deciding that yes, hearing the truth was much easier in the dark. He was so thankful not to be able to see the guilt on Blaine's face and even more grateful that Blaine could not see the silent tears on his. He knew that it would be just as difficult for Blaine to tell the story as it would be for him to hear it. But now that he knew some of the details, he can't stop thinking about what's coming next.

“Eli.” Kurt said to himself in the darkness. “His name is Eli. Eli. Eli...” He kept saying the name over and over as if somehow that made a difference. A difference to what, he didn't know. But before he had a chance to figure out, he heard the door to their room open and the soft sounds of Blaine padding across the carpet slowly in the dark.

“Hey, you're back.”

“Yeah. Sorry I took so long. The elevators were out because of the power so I had to take the stairs,” Blaine explained as he dropped his wallet and keys on the table. “The restaurant was closed too and the vending machines don't work, so I couldn't get anything to drink, sorry”

“That's ok,” Kurt replied. You were gone a really long time though. I was starting to worry.”

Blaine shifted uncomfortably as he leaned his body against the wall by the window. “I um...I went outside for some air.”

“Blaine!” Kurt admonished. “ Are you out of your mind? It's storming like crazy outside.”

“I didn't mind it,” Blaine offered, a shiver evident in his voice.

“Oh my God, Blaine. C'mere, please. You must be freezing.”

Blaine reluctantly felt his way over to to bed to stand in front of Kurt who immediately wrapped him up in a tight embrace, rubbing his hands up and down Blaine's body trying to warm him up.

“We need to get you out of these wet clothes before you catch a cold,” Kurt spoke as he reached for the hem of Blaine's t-shirt without another thought. “Sit on the bed while I get your shoes and socks.” Blaine did as he was told, saying nothing as Kurt proceeded to undress him.

There was nothing romantic about this moment, though Kurt was undressing him with gentle care. Once his shoes and socks were removed, Kurt pulled Blaine up again and removed his sweats and boxers in one pull. Blaine silently stepped out of them, never meeting Kurts eyes as he was enveloped by the comforter and pulled into a tight embrace.

"There," Kurt said, "youll be warm again in no time."

Kurt let go of Blaine long enough to crawl on the bed and pull Blaine with him. He settled Blaine between his legs, still cocooned in the comforter, and wrapped his arms around him. All thoughts of the previous conversation has temporarily been traded to make sure Blaine was ok. But just as Kurt started to run his fingers though Blaines rain soaked curls, he heard it:

"I let him fuck me."

Kurt froze. He knew Blaine felt it. What he wanted in that moment was to shove Blaine off of him and put some distance between them. But feeling Blaines cheek resting over his heart and the sharp staccato of his breath, he braced himself and quietly whispered "go on," and picked up where he left off stroking Blaines hair.

"We talked for about a hour about such random things; food, movies, hobbies and stuff. I kept comparing him to you. With every new revelation about him, I would be like, oh, Kurt would hate that, or Kurt would never do that and I guess he got sick of it. So, when he asked where you were, I just spilled everything. I told him how alone I was feeling, how much I missed you and felt like you were moving on without me.

"By now I was a sobbing mess. God Kurt, I was never a cryer. I always worked so hard to never let any emotion show; always needing to be the proper Dalton gentleman, even though I left. But I just broke. I guess In that moment I was looking for reassurance, but he just played to my fears. He-he started um, he started running his hand up and down my thigh and telling me that I deserved better than to be left in the lurch and that any man who would make me feel this low wasnt worth the tears I cried over him."

“Oh my God, Blaine. I'm So…” Kurt started to say but Blaine interrupted him.

“Don't. Remember your promise? I'm not done. I need to get this out and you may not feel so sorry once I'm done.”

Kurt let out a shuttering sigh but never spoke a word. He gave Blaine's had a little squeeze to let him know it was ok to go on.

“He kept telling me I was beautiful. No one had ever called me that before. You-you always made me feel that way and I'm pretty sure I always knew you did think that about me, but you never once used that word. Hearing it was so foreign but he kept using it. He said I had a beautiful soul, beautiful talent, beautiful face, beautiful body.”

By now, Blaine was breathing heavy and talking faster. Kurt remained holding him, but his silent tears did not go unnoticed as they fell into Blaine's hair as he buried his face there. But Blaine had to keep going. If he stopped anymore, he wouldn't finish.

Feeling desperate now, he reached out and grabbed Kurt's hand and squeezed it like it was a lifeline. He had so many conflicting emotions going through him. On one side, he needed Kurt close. It was his warmth and strength that was helping him get through this. However, he also felt selfish for holding on so tight because he knew his words were ripping the other man apart. Maybe Kurt needed space to get through this. But even if he did, Blaine couldn't let go. Not unless Kurt pushed him away

“Kurt, I-I thought I was losing you. I thought that you didn't need me anymore now that you were settled in New York. But I ached Kurt. I ached for you. I ached for your sweet voice in my ear, the way you would look at me and the encouraging things you'd say. I need your touch; your lips on mine, your hands on my body. You know me Kurt. Whenever I was feeling low, I needed you to take care of me, cherish me and make love to me.

By now, Blaine was sobbing again and it was taking every ounce of his strength to push through.

“My whole world was falling apart without you. I felt like an open wound and I needed you and you weren't there. So, when he kissed me I let him. It was messy and sloppy and nothing like you. But, I let him Kiss me and tell me how beautiful I was and it felt so good to be wanted again that I asked him to fuck me. I asked him to fuck me and I took from him what my body was crying out for and what I thought it needed. He was rough and unrelenting and it hurt. When it was over, my mind was clear in a way it hasn't been since you left. I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that we were meant to be forever and this ‘place' we were stuck in was just a passing winter season until spring could come again. But when I opened my eyes, Eli was staring at me with this bright smile on his face and I was snapped back to reality. Instead of feeling fulfilled, I instantly felt sick. The full weight of my actions was settling into me as we got dressed. He tried to make conversation but I just needed to get out of there as fast as possible.

“I ran to my car and drove off without even putting my seatbelt on. I managed to get a few blocks away when I knew I was going to vomit. I managed to get the car pulled over but didn't get the door open in time. I puked all over myself  and the car. I didn't even try to clean it up. I just started driving again until I got home. I was crying so hard that when I got there I bolted out of my car, not even shutting the door and ran to my bathroom. I made it to the toilet this time before puking. Afterwards I started the shower and got in, clothes and all. I made the water so hot that it felt like my skin was burning but it still didn't take away the shame. I jumped out of the shower again, leaving the water on, to grab some scissors and a family pack of toothbrushes. I cut my clothes off and shredded them to pieces and got back in the shower. The water was burning hot now, but I refused to turn the temperature down. I opened up two of the toothbrushes and ran them harshly through a bar of soap and started to scrub my skin with them. I needed something harsh. I wanted to take that first layer of my skin off. When I felt I had done the best I could, I opened another toothbrush, coated it with my bar of soap any grabbed my cock…”

“OH MY GOD. Blaine!” Kurt was shouting and sobbing behind Blaine. He knew that the details of Blaine cheating would be hard to hear, but he wasn't expecting any of this.

“It hurt Kurt. But I had to. I need it clean again because his hands were there. I scrubbed until it bled. I tossed that toothbrush away and grabbed the last one.”

“God No. No you didn't Blaine. Please tell me…”

“I shoved it up my ass and scrubbed as hard as I could. He wore a condom and it was just lube but I needed it gone. When I finally felt like I had done enough, I pulled it out. It was bloody and I felt weak, but finally finally clean. I turned off the shower and crawled into bed and passed out.”

Kurt grabbed Blaine and turned him around to face him and kissed him hard and bruising. He pulled back just enough to speak, his voice wrecked but sure:

“You're forgiven Blaine. You're forgiven. It's forgotten forever, I promise.”

Just then, the power returned and shocked them into the light. It took a moment for them to adjust their eyes after being in the darkness so long. They both looked wrecked and Blaine had never looked so frail. Kurt leaned in for another kiss, making sure this one was tender and gentle. He needed Blaine to know that what he said in the darkness was just as true in the light.

“I love you Blaine,” he said as he pulled back from the kiss to look him straight in the eye. “I love you, you're forgiven and everything is going to be ok.”

They still had a lo to talk about, but the look on Blaine's face showed that he believed what Kurt had said. He leaned in to rest on Kurt's shoulder, feeling the other man smile as he dropped a small kiss to his head. It was over now. Kurt knew everything and Blaine felt for the first time in months that he could really and truly breathe.