Chapter 1

“Kurt? Baby what's wrong?”

Blaine had thought their evening had been going well. He had proposed and Kurt had accepted in what seemed the most genuine way possible. They had lingered at Dalton long enough to receive congratulations and thank everyone for coming and being part of their special day before Blaine whisked Kurt away to the Crowne Plaza in Columbus. He, on good faith booked an executive suite after working with an initially reluctant Burt to have Kurt's flights relocated to Columbus and moved a day later.

They had finished a lavish spread from room service before indulging in a surprise couple's massage which had lead them to their king sized bed, almost before the masseuses had their things removed from the room. They had been enjoying getting reacquainted with each others mouths, scents and gentle touches but it was quickly becoming not enough. Or at least Blaine thought. They had slipped on their hotel provided bathrobes after the massage and now as their kissing was becoming more heated, Blaine was letting his caress lead past the edge of Kurt's robe and back up underneath. But, as soon as his fingers reached the bare skin at Kurt's thigh, he instantly felt him tense.

“Nothing's wrong.” Kurt offered with a less than convincing smile. “Just wasn't expecting that. Keep going.” So, Blaine did. He leaned in once again to capture Kurt's lips in a gentle but passionate kiss, trying his best to put every ounce of love and reassurance he had in just that one gesture. It was only a moment later when Kurt started to respond, tipping his head to deepen the kiss with a soft moan. Blaine took this as a good sign and slipped his tongue into the warm delicious heat of Kurt's mouth and once again allowed himself to get lost in everything that was his fiancé.

As Kurt's hands began to tangle in the loose curls at the base of Blaine's neck where the gel wasn't at heavy, he started to run his hands up and down the curve of Kurt's back. God, he wanted him so badly. They had only been together twice since the break-up and that was more about getting off with someone familiar than being romantic, even though Blaine had hoped for more. But this? This was everything. This was like sealing their commitment to each other. They were engaged and what better way to celebrate that then making love and getting lost in each other. But as Blaine's hands travelled down past the edge of the bathrobe and back up underneath to caress Kurt's thigh, he felt the older man tense once again.

“Kurt. Sweetheart, I can tell something's wrong. What's going on?” Blaine was really starting to worry. Kurt seemed unable to meet his eyes. “Kurt, you're scaring me. Please talk to me.”

Kurt was silent.

“Oh God.” Blaine began to panic. “You're regretting this, aren't you?”
 As Kurt's body began to tremble while his head remained down, Blaine quickly got up from the bed to put some space between them.

“You got lost in the moment or didn't have the heart to turn me down in public...But you seemed so sincere...But it's too fast...Burt was right. It's too fast and now reality is setting in. Oh God, what have I done.”

Blaine's rambling was now combined with his frantic pacing around the room. When he finally quieted down long enough to glance towards the bed, he was met with an outright sobbing Kurt. The sounds coming from his once radiating fiancé were now pained and mournful, cutting him to his very core. Not knowing what else to do, he threw on a pair of sweatpants and tee, grabbed his wallet and keys and headed towards the door. His hand had just reached the handle when he heard it:

“I love you, please don't leave me.”

Blaine crumbled to the floor and broke. That was the first time Kurt had said I love you since they had gotten back together and his voice was unrecognizable through his broken sobs.

The silence seemed to stretch for eons with only the sounds of sighing and sniffles to remind them that the other was still there. Neither knew what to do or say. Blaine was shuffling to get up off the floor when Kurt finally spoke up.

“I'm sorry Blaine,” he said while trying to dry up his tears.  “I love you, I do. I don't regret saying yes. I want to marry you. You have to believe me.”

Utterly exhausted, Blaine walked over to sit on the wing chair in the corner opposite the bed. When he looked into Kurt's eyes, they were shining with sadness and tears, but he knew they expressed nothing short of the truth.

“Then what's going on Kurt? Because I sure as hell don't know.” Blaine let out an audible sigh, rubbing his hands over his face and through his gel slicked hair making it look as unravelled as he felt.

“I keep picturing it,” Kurt said in a barely audible whisper.

“Kurt, wait…I…” Blaine tried to ask, but Kurt just kept going like if he didn't get it out now he never would.

“God Blaine, it's so easy to get lost in you. I look into your eyes and all I see is my future. You make me feel so loved and cherished. The way you never truly gave up on us yet gave me the space I needed after we broke up. Even the way you tried to move on with your life and never judged me when I tried to move on with mine. The way you were there for me AND my Dad in spite of everything we've been through. How could I not be madly in love with you after all that?”

Kurt takes a moment to breathe, stealing a glance over at Blaine who seems to be just trying to absorb everything he's hearing. Knowing that Blaine understands that he needs to get this out, he simply takes a deep breath and continues on.

“Now look at us. Here we are back together and in engaged all in the span of a week. Once again, you come in and sweep me off my feet in the most romantic way possible and make me fall in love with you all over again. You bring me here, to this hotel where food, couple's massages and a stolen bottle of champagne from your parents awaits me. You carry me to bed and kiss me like you need it to breathe and God your smell…your stupid raspberry hair gel mixed with the masculine scent of amber and jasmine from your cologne are assaulting my senses as you kiss me. Combined with the gentle caresses over my arms and back and I can't help but feel like I'm drowning in you.”

Blaine, thoroughly confused and unable to stay quiet any longer looks over at Kurt and simply asks, “then what's the problem? From the way you describe how you're feeling, we should be well on our way to sated by now.”

There was an edge of anger in his voice and he knew his composure was starting to slip but he still wasn't understanding what was really going on. He continued,  “…but I know something is still wrong. I felt you tense twice Kurt, and that doesn't seem to fit with the story you're giving me now. So how about you do us both a favour and get to the point.”

Kurt knew he couldn't dodge the issue any more. He resigned himself to the moment he knew was coming since they got engaged and the reality of being intimate with Blaine crossed his thoughts, as much as he was hoping he could suppress it.

“As soon as your hands touch my bare skin in an intimate way, all I can think of is that you've done this with someone who wasn't me.”

There it was. He had said it and he couldn't take it back. He didn't want to take it back. But he was truly terrified of what it meant.

“But Kurt," Blaine replied with hurt evident in his voice, “this is not the first time we've been intimate since we broke up, or have you forgotten Christmas & Mr. Shue's unwedding? We've talked about this before. Many times before. Why is this an issue now?”

“Of course I haven't forgotten our ‘hook-ups'” Kurt snapped. “It was exactly the same then too. And for the record, we haven‘t talked about it at all really.”

“But that doesn't make sense,” Blaine rebutted. “We actually HAD sex then. YOU initiated it. In fact, you initiated everything that happened with us both times, but when I tried to talk to you about it you minimized it completely.” 

Blaine looked exasperated now and even more confused than he initially thought. He got up from the chair and started pacing around the room again as if the repetitive motion would help make everything clearer. Kurt remained on the bed, knowing Blaine needed time to process everything; knowing he needed time to work out whatever was going on in his head. After a few moments Blaine spoke again, anger and frustration evident in his voice and posture.

“What do you mean we haven't talked about it? I have said I was sorry over and over again. You even acknowledged that on the phone at Thanksgiving. Then, we talked about it at Christmas after your Dad went to bed. You know why it happened and you chose to forgive me. We even talked about it this week Kurt, before YOU sang a song to ME which was immediately followed by us getting back together. Oh and for the ‘record,'” Blaine said using aggressive air quotes, “I never caressed or even came close to touching him the way that I touch you.”

“Well, how was I supposed to know that Blaine? You didn't tell me,” Kurt yelled.

“Because you said you didn't want the details,” Blaine shouted back as he flopped back into the wing chair.

Once again silence filled the room. Blaine was left feeling like the past week had been a lie. Hell, more like the last few months. If Kurt was feeling all of this, why did he ever forgive him in the first place? Blaine never expected Kurt's forgiveness even though he desperately wanted it. He never expected Kurt to want to give them another try no matter how badly he had hoped. But to have forgiven him AND given him another chance only to pull the carpet our from underneath him? Well that was just plain cruel. But Kurt did just say that he loved him. God, why did this all have to be so complicated, so confusing, so…adult?

For the first time since Blaine carried him there almost an hour ago, Kurt got up off the bed, walked slowly over to where Blaine was sitting in the chair and knelt on the floor in front of him. With a shaky tentative hand he reached up to cup Blaine's face, rubbing his thumb over the other man's cheekbone. That was all it took for Blaine to start sobbing once again. The sound utterly breaking Kurt's already fragile heart. But he knew that they had to finish this. If they stood a chance at repairing the damage they had only been masking up until this point, they had to once and for all lay everything out. Echoing these thoughts, Kurt softly began speaking again:

“Blaine, baby. I need to you to look at me.”

Slowly Blaine got his crying under control and lifted his head to look directly into Kurt's eyes. Even in the midst of all this mess, he had never looked more beautiful.

Kurt continued with a smile and a strength he didn't know he had. “I know this is the worst possible time for all of this to come out and I'm sorry. But there are two important things that you need to know. First, I love you. With all that I am and all that I have, I love you. I don't regret saying yes to your proposal at all. Ok?”

Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes, and nodded his head while whispering a barely audible “ok.”

“Good” Kurt replied. “ because my reaction to our intimacy has nothing to do with my desire to be with you forever. It's just that I don't know HOW to be with you ‘that way' yet, which brings me to my second thing: I think need to talk about everything that's happened between us so that I can finally and permanently move on. As much as I want to think I have and even though I told you I have, tonight is proof that I really haven't. I know we've ‘talked' about it a bit and I honestly thought that was enough, but it obviously wasn't. I think I was just brushing it aside in hopes that would be enough to forget.”

At hearing Kurt's words, a wave of regret washed over Blaine's body. How completely oblivious was he? He was supposed to know Kurt better than anyone else. How didn't he see that Kurt was deflecting? How did he not know that this wasn't a dead issue and that there would be lingering side effects to his horrible mistake?

“God, Kurt I am sorry. I am so sorry. I should have known. I should have been able to see though the front you were putting up to know that this was still an open sore for you. How could it not be when it's still that way for me?”

“Oh Blaine, you have nothing to be sorry about” Kurt spoke softly, with watering eyes. “As much as it pains me to admit, this is completely my fault and because I didn't tell you earlier, it's now marring what should be one of the happiest nights of our lives.“

Kurt smiled sadly as he glanced over at the clock reading 9pm. “I have twelve hours before my flight to New York leaves. It's not ideal, but do you think we could talk now? I mean, I know this is our engagement night but I don't think I'll be able to focus on anything else until we do and I don't want this to steal one more day from us.”

“Yeah,” Blaine sighed. “But I need a few moments to process everything that's happened. I mean, when I proposed to you this afternoon, this was not how I was picturing our night to go.”

“I get it Blaine and again, I'm sorry” Kurt said honestly. “How about you go take a long hot shower. I'll call down to the kitchen for some hot tea to be sent up.”

“That sounds perfect” Blaine smiled weakly. He got up out of the chair and extended a hand to Kurt who was still on the floor in front of him. Once he was standing, Blaine enveloped him into a hug before gathering his shaving kit and retreating to the bathroom for his shower.