He hates artificial cherry-flavored everything. He hates action movies. He hates the smell of onions, nosy neighbors, homophobia, people who wear brown and black together, people who sing off-pitch.

But most of all, Kurt hates Blaine.

Kurt is quite the proud man. He’s proud of his sexuality, his grades, his voice, his reputation. He’s grown up getting what he wanted, when he wanted, and nothing has ever stood in his way.

Until a short, attractive, curly-haired freak came along and knocked him right out of the picture.

Kurt feels used and unwanted walking around school now. Sure, people still look up to him and admire him, but it’s not the same. He knows who they prefer. And it’s all Blaine’s fault. And Kurt’s really getting tired of it.

But it’s not until he checks up on his class rank that he snaps.

“The one and only Rachel Berry speaking. Who is this and how may I help you?”

Kurt sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Rachel, you know it’s me. I have my own ringtone and you have caller ID.”

“That’s irrelevant. I need to get into the habit and habits are made by practice. You should know that, of all people.”

“Right, right, you’re right.”

“I know I am. Now, what’s going on?”

He takes a deep breath, unsure of how to say this. This… this is huge. Saying it out loud means he admits it; it means it’s true. Kurt’s not really ready for that step but he needs to tell someone.

“Kurt?” Rachel presses, voice thick with concern.

“Rachel, I… I’m not… I’m not at the top.”

“Wait, what?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

“Well, you have to, because I’m really confused.”

“Ugh. Fine. I’m… I’m not number one in the class anymore.” He hears Rachel gasp and he closes his eyes, heart thumping wildly. “Blaine’s finally beaten me, Rach. I’m number two. I’m a failure!”

“No! No, Kurt, you are not a failure! Blaine Anderson will not beat you, Kurt. You need to destroy him!”

“I know,” Kurt whines. “I know. I’ve been trying to think of ways to destroy him but he’s just so fucking perfect!”

“No, he’s not.”

Kurt pauses, confused as to where his friend is going with this.

“You’re perfect, too, but you’re really not,” Rachel continues. “I bet Blaine is the same way. He’s a human, Kurt. He’s flawed. You just need to find his weakness, pull a Paris, and whack his head off!”

“I’m pretty sure Paris shot Achilles in the heel.”

“Irrelevant!” Rachel screeches, and Kurt has to pull his cell phone away from his ear.

“Okay, okay, damn. How do I find out his weakness, though?”

“Well, um, get to know him and use information that way? Or we could spy on him? Or both?”

Kurt nods in thought. “I vote you get close to him, and I spy from afar. I just really cannot stand the thought of
spending more time with him than I already have to. Actually, I refuse to, so yes, you go be Blaine Anderson’s new best friend or something.”

“Ugh. When you put it like that, I’d rather we both just spy. So, got any ideas?”

Kurt grins wickedly.

“Actually, I have just the plan.”

-----

“Really, Kurt? This is your grand idea?”

Kurt hushes her as he peers around a corner as inconspicuously as possible.

“This is idiotic! We’re standing in the hallway dressed in brown trench coats, fedoras, and sunglasses. We’re about as obvious as-“

“Rachel! Just shut up! If you were so worried about us getting caught, then you would shut your mouth and stop squawking!”

Rachel huffs but accepts defeat and adjusts her fedora so it’s tilted over her eyes.

“Alright, so the plan for Operation: Assassinate Anderson-“

“Wait, that’s seriously the plan’s name?”

“Every great plan name has to have alliteration, Rachel,” Kurt sniffs haughtily and then continues. “The plan is to follow Blaine home. See where he lives, the kind of people he associates with, what he does when the school day is over. The more we can possibly take and twist into a juicy rumor, the better,” Kurt whispers to her, side-eying the hallway.

“You’re awful,” Rachel practically squeals, a grin on her face.

Kurt shrugs nonchalantly as he peers around the hallway, spotting a short figure with curly hair prancing away from the choir room. “There he is! Rachel, Operation: Assassinate Anderson is a go!” he hisses as he quickly runs down the hallway, flipping the collar of his trench coat up to hide the sides of his face, Rachel running quickly behind him.

They pause behind every available corner, keeping careful not to draw too much attention to themselves.
Hopping in Rachel’s silver Honda (they decided Kurt’s Navigator was a bit obvious), they follow Blaine out of the school parking lot and toward the northern part of Lima.

“Kurt,” Rachel whines. “He’s heading to the nice part of town. He’s going home to his fancy mansion, I bet. This will never work! Let’s just go home and watch ‘A Star is Born’ again.”

“You don’t know that!” Kurt snaps. “For all we know, he could be buying drugs from a housewife! Haven’t you ever seen Weeds? Jesus, Rachel, I swear.”

Rachel throws Kurt a skeptical glance but keeps driving, eyes trained on the car in front of them. As Blaine turns into the parking lot of a shopping center, Kurt is on the edge of his seat.

“Go, Rachel, go! This is a development!”

“Kurt! Stop hitting my arm! I’m going as fast as I can! Do you want him to find us out?”

Kurt practically growls as Rachel haphazardly parks a few spaces down from Blaine and throws himself out of the car, entirely too anxious to see that Blaine is headed towards…

“A bookstore?” Rachel asks, extremely unimpressed. “Kurt, come on. This just got ridiculous.”

Kurt gapes at the large building in front of him, and shakes his head as he grabs Rachel’s arm and heads to the entrance. “Sure, this is a slight bump in our plans, but who knows what he could be buying in there, Rachel! Come on, we’re doing this.”

They enter the building, making sure their disguises are in place, and begin to cower behind the tall shelves, looking around for where Blaine could have gone.

Suddenly, Kurt bumps into something, and he turns around to glare but finds himself face to face with Blaine himself. He freezes, panic racing through him.

“Kurt?” Blaine asks, squinting as he leans forward, trying to get a good look at the face hidden in the trench coat.

“Uh…”

“Kurt, what are you doing? We have to…. Oh,” Rachel finishes dumbly as she sees who Kurt is talking to. She gulps as she walks toward them, ignoring Kurt’s hand gestures for her to leave.

“Hello, there, Blaine!” She greets with over the top fake sincerity. Kurt has to bite back a groan.

“Hi, Rachel, Kurt,” Blaine replies with a wide smile, looking over at Kurt and biting his lip when Kurt doesn’t answer. He’s still too in shock. How could this be happening? “Um, what are you guys doing here?”

“Buying books, of course!” Rachel laughs nervously, grabbing the nearest book… which happens to be a Christian self-help book. Kurt wishes a hole would appear in the floor and swallow him up. Blaine raises an eyebrow, but politely doesn’t point anything out. He looks them both over, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“Wait… in trench coats?”

Rachel’s laugh stops short and she’s fishing for an excuse when Kurt suddenly blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Flash mob!”

Rachel looks at him with wide eyes while Blaine grins widely.

“A flash mob? That’s so cool! When?”

“Um, right now, actually, so we’ve got to go. It was nice running into you!” Kurt rushes out, pushing Rachel away, but Blaine’s right behind him.

“This is so cool. The Warblers, that’s the glee club I was in at Dalton, would do flash mobs all the time. I mean, just at school, though. We were definitely never brave enough to perform outside of Dalton. But they’re so much fun! Have you done one before? What song are you guys doing? I hope you don’t mind if I watch. I wish I could participate!” Blaine rambles, trailing along so closely he keeps stepping on the backs of Kurt’s shoes.

Kurt curses under his breath. This is not going according to plan at all. He needs to think of an escape route and fast. Suddenly, Rachel is standing in front of him, eyes hard and issuing him a challenge. He has no choice but to allow her control of the situation and follow her lead.

They stand in the center of the bookstore and begin to dance. They’re dancing differently; Rachel’s opted for pirouettes and Kurt’s doing jazz squares. There’s no music. Everyone in the bookstore has stopped to stare at them, trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with these children, and Blaine’s grin is just as bright as ever. Kurt closes his eyes behind his sunglasses, dying from embarrassment. Of course he would end up making a fool of himself of front of his rival. Damn this plan. Damn it to hell.

Finally, Rachel begins to sing in Hebrew and drags Kurt into a kick-line before she ends it in the splits, Kurt awkwardly standing bent over above her, hand still connected to her shoulder. Blaine claps enthusiastically, and Kurt helps Rachel up with a lot more force than necessary.

“That was really good!” Blaine says excitedly, and Kurt wants to punch him in the face. He holds up a large stack of books that Kurt’s just now noticing. “Well, I’m going to go pay for these books. I’ll see you guys at school tomorrow!”

Blaine prances off to the check-out counter. As soon as he’s gone, Kurt growls angrily and turns to Rachel, who’s grinning.

“That was so much fun!”

----

Kurt sits in glee club, trying to hide his face. Operation: Assassinate Anderson had gone horribly wrong the day before, and Kurt can’t help but feel that Blaine knows. He had to have known. That impromptu flash mob was probably the most pathetic thing ever. Blaine seemed to have fallen for it, but there was no way he really did. While he refuses to admit Blaine could possibly be more intelligent than him, Kurt knows Blaine isn’t that stupid.

“Hey Kurt! Hey Rachel!” Blaine appears next to them, smiling brightly. “I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your flash mob yesterday. You should do those more often! I’d love to join in!”

Kurt offers Blaine a tight smile as Blaine goes to his seat. He can’t believe it. Maybe Blaine is that stupid.

“Good afternoon, guys!” Mr. Schue greets, and receives a mumbled response. With a flourish, he produces a top hat. “We’re starting a new assignment today. All of your names are in this top hat. One by one, you’ll come up here and draw a name. That name will be your duet partner, alright? Awesome! Santana, you’re up first!”

Kurt throws Rachel a smirk and she grins in return. She knows that whatever name he draws out of that hat, he’ll say Rachel, and no one will question him. They’ve been partners for every duet assignment since they joined glee club their freshman year, and he knows they’ll blow everyone out of the water again. He’s running through duets in his head, trying to figure out what they haven’t done, when he hears his name and he snaps his head to the front.

“Pardon?” he asks, looking at Mr. Schue, who’s grinning and pointing to-

“Kurt! You’re my partner!” Blaine exclaims, waving the slip of paper in the air, and Kurt can’t even stop himself from throwing his head back against the wall.

---

“So, what song do you want to sing?” Blaine asks Kurt, and he gets a simple shrug from the boy, who’s flipping through a songbook.

He bites his lip. When he drew Kurt’s name from the hat, he had been extremely excited to perform with Kurt. He daydreams about his voice and what it would be like to sing with him almost daily. But the response he’s gotten has been less than enthusiastic. Blaine’s starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with him.

“I’m not really sure,” Kurt eventually answers, biting his lip. “There are a lot of choices here. We can either do a male-male duet or a female-male duet. Or we could just take a solo, break it up, add some harmony… I think that’s our best bet.”

“Well, I’m certain whatever we choose, you’ll sound amazing. You always do,” Blaine says earnestly, blushing slightly at his own compliment. He hopes he’s not too obvious, but Kurt just flashes him a polite smile. Conflict tugs inside Blaine; he’s disappointed because he wants Kurt to notice, and he’s also relieved because Kurt didn’t notice.

Kurt happily exclaims that he’s found them a song, and as he sits at the piano to pick out his harmony, all Blaine can do is stare and sigh dreamily. Yes, hopefully he’s not too obvious.

----

It’s a Friday evening, and Kurt’s lounging comfortably on the couch. His favorite torn sweat pants are on, a beanie on his head, making sure he’ll have major hat hair the next day, and he’s got a stain on his white shirt from dinner, but he doesn’t really care. The TV is on, but he’s not really paying attention because it’s his designated study hour.

“Hey, man, I’m going to McDonalds. Want anything?”

Kurt groans at being interrupted and looks up from his chemistry book to find Finn standing in the living room doorway.

“I already ate,” Kurt says, turning back to his book. “You did, too, if I recall. At the dinner table. Less than two hours ago.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn sighs. “But grilled chicken tastes so boring. I just really want a double bacon cheeseburger.”

Kurt’s mouth waters a little at the idea, but he has to keep his slim figure; it’s part of his appearance. He rolls his eyes, but of course, Finn can see right through him.

“What if you just eat, like, half of one?” Finn asks, a sly smile on his face. “I won’t tell anyone. I know how much you preach healthy eating to our friends, so your secret would be safe with me.”

Kurt looks up at his step-brother like he’s a godsend and grins. “Okay, go, go!”

Finn lets out a whoop and heads out of the house, slamming the door loudly. Kurt shakes his at the noise, and looks at the TV for a moment, only to find that Finn has left his wallet sitting on the coffee table. “Of fucking course,” he mumbles as he grabs it. He goes to stand by the front door, locking it with a smirk on his face as he waits.

Finally, he hears a knock and his smirk grows.

“That’s right. Your fucking fat-ass only cares about your precious food and you completely forgot your wallet. How the fuck were you going to pay for them, Finn? With your good looks? I think not. Now, tell me how fucking amazing I am and beg for me to open this door and return it to you, or else neither of us gets to eat those fucking delicious lardburgers.”

He’s met with complete silence.

“Finn?” he asks, completely confused, as he unlocks the door and opens it, only to come face to face with-

“K-Kurt? Is that… is that you?” Blaine asks, eyes wide with bewilderment. Kurt’s jaw drops as he looks at Blaine, and then down at himself, and then back at Blaine. His ears are thumping with his pulse and his throat is dry. His mouth moves but he can’t form any words. Suddenly, a smirk forms on Blaine’s face. A smirk.

He’s completely fucked.�