My only friend keep on

Wander or leave

Turn into winter lights

Keeping your strength

When it gets dark at night…

What youre feeling

Its what Im feeling too

What youre made of

Its what Im made of too

Sights by London Grammar

Kurt inspected the hand-shaped bruise on his cheek; the purpled mark showing how close James had gotten to hurting his ear. It was a shallow bruise, which Kurt knew he would be able to cover up tomorrow but today was too much. He quietly rang Anthony to apologise for his absence today. He had a 24-hour stomach bug, he assured him, he was sure he would be back tomorrow, then he was gone.

After it was too painful to watch his reflection, weak and gaunt with a red mark to show he was tainted, Kurt turned to watch the still window of Blaines apartment, curtains closed. Blaine couldnt help him now, couldnt watch with support. Kurt had never felt more alone and cold.

James started to stir after an hour. Kurt rested in bed, surrounded by silence, the coldness of the apartment touching the bare skin on his arms to remind him where he was and what had happened. Kurt could hear a thump and a swear as James obviously struggled to the toilet then the coffee machine whirred to life and there was silence.

Kurt wondered if he remembered, whether the memory of a face thrown back in pain and the shouting had penetrated James alcohol fuzzy brain. Kurt remained frozen and silent – waiting, eyes fixed on the door handle, until it turned slowly.

James peered in and was visibly surprised to see Kurt sitting up in bed, as if in waiting. He came closer and took one look at his cheek. His eyes widened.

"I did that?" he whispered. Kurt only nodded.

James squared his shoulders and sat at the edge of the bed. He didnt look away, had already resigned himself to the action and been forgiven in his own mind.

"You made me angry Kurt," he said as if by way of explanation. "I told you not to see that Blaine and you wouldnt listen. You shouldnt have made me angry, you know what Im like. Id had a few to drink."

Kurt sat frozen, his back pressed to the headboard, his eyes unblinking. In some ways he expected this reaction, he was used to the lack of remorse. There was no understanding here.

"Youre my boyfriend, right?" James continued, not needing an answer. "As my boyfriend you dont see other men, right? Its quite simple."

Kurt didnt want to answer, heard the outrageous and irrational logic and wanted to scoff but he stayed perfectly still until James pressed forward on the bed. The red wiry lines of his capillaries popped from his eyes and he demanded an answer. Kurt nodded.

"You see? You understand, you know why I hit you." James got up, happy that he had sorted out last night; that it could now be forgotten. He turned by the door.

"Really it was that Blaines fault," he said, turning to see the curtained window of Blaines apartment. "He filled your mind with ideas of a bohemian lifestyle where there are no consequences and it doesnt matter if you cant pay your rent. If you work hard Kurt, you dont need friends like that.

"I dont want you meeting him again, hes not right for you. Do you understand?"

Back was the menacing voice; the dark coldness of his whole body and Kurt found himself nodding just so he would leave.

"Good," James said, with slight jollity. "Fancy a coffee?"

---

Kurt stared at his phone. Rachel and Santana had text him frequently since their argument but it was now blank, like theyd given up. Some kind of stalemate had been silently declared; Kurt seeming to accept Rachels apology and Rachel texting things about her day in the hope that Kurt would reply with longer answers about his own life. Kurt was typing a neutral text when James entered again.

"Kurt Im going…"

He stopped in the doorway, his eyes instantly on Kurt and the object in his hands. Kurt had never seen him move so fast and before he could do anything, James had swiped the phone from his hand and it landed on the floor beside the bed.

"What are you doing?"
James voice was high, just slightly unhinged and Kurt looked panicked. He didnt know what to say, didnt know which words would make James less angry.

"Are you texting Blaine?" James screeched, as if he couldnt believe the audacity.

"What? No!" Kurt said hurriedly. "I was texting Rachel, I promise."
James picked up the phone quickly and scrolled through the messages. Kurts eyes flitted over James, as he read them all, no longer concerned that he was reading his messages, more determined that James read and understand that he wouldnt do anything to jeopardise his relationship.

James shoulders relaxed.

"You have a lot of messages from Blaine too."

"Not that many," Kurt said quietly, "All friendly though, see? And not since yesterday."

James nodded and handed Kurts phone back to him.

"Ive got to go out for a few hours, youll be alright without me?"

Kurt was surprised at the attention and he nodded. James expression softened, he came closer and sat on the bed beside Kurt, cupping his cheek in his hand. He ignored the involuntary flinching and came closer.

"Youll see what itll be like with just me and you, no Blaine to cloud your judgement," he whispered, no idea how his words would be construed as menacing to Kurt. "Well spend more time together, I promise and youll forget all about him. Just you and me – thats what it was always supposed to be? Right?"

Kurt weakly nodded.

"Good," James said smiling, "Youll see. Youll see."
He walked out of the apartment and Kurt let the pent up tears fall down his now damaged cheek.

---

Blaine opened his curtains after a restless night, stretched and yawned loudly but as he came to rest he saw Kurt still sat in bed. His watch was checked and he realised that Kurt was bound to be late for rehearsal though he couldnt see James anywhere in sight either.

[11.20] Good morning :) you not rehearsing today? x

The text was sent quickly and he saw Kurt jump when he received it and almost drop the phone as if it might burn him. Kurt turned to the window and Blaine could see his eyes widen as they alighted on him standing there in his pyjamas. Blaines face fell as the sadness continued to creep over Kurt and no explanation was given.

[11.21] Are you ok?

Kurt looked down at the message, once to be considered innocent and friendly, now incriminating. He took one moment to consider all possibilities as his future flashed before his eyes and he deleted the texts. If James saw he would be angry and really it had been his fault, he reasoned. James wasnt normally so angry, his frustrations never physical and he had been pushed to his limits last night, Kurt was sure. It wouldnt happen again and maybe he had been too friendly with Blaine, seeing him too much. It was probably for the best if he didnt see him for a while, waited until James could spend more time with him and this would be forgotten. LA had really been a lovely trip, they just needed that break again before work got too much. With one last look at Blaine, who seemed to be growing more and more perplexed as he stood there waiting for a reply, Kurt stood and made an effort to get himself sorted for the day. He changed on the landing and carried on ignoring Blaine through the window. He watched TV for the rest of the afternoon and tried not to think of Blaines hurt expression.

James returned, inspected Kurts phone like it was his right and smiled – happy that there were no messages from Blaine. He handed it back, happier that he could trust Kurt again and made them an early dinner before going out to the theatre again for his performance.

[5.01] Hey are you ok? You didnt reply to my earlier message, I thought you might be ill. Let me know if you need anything x

[6.45] Sorry to bother you again, I just wondered if you were free tonight to listen to my music? Im not performing tonight so it was just a suggestion. Let me know anyway. Hope youre ok? x

Kurt watched every message appear and swiftly deleted them with a pang of guilt. Really it seemed that Blaine was worried, had obviously seen that Kurt hadnt left his apartment today and he knew he should text to explain or something but he couldnt. What would he say? He knew the truth was impossible but he had a feeling that Blaine wouldnt believe any lie he tried to say either.

Blaine was utterly confused. He knew what it was like to be stood up and rejected but this was something else. Kurt was avoiding him, deliberately seeing his messages and not replying, even probably deleting them but why? Had he come on too strong last night? Had he seen too much of him or been too eager to be his friend? Maybe Kurt sensed what Blaine was slowly realising for himself: that he liked him more than a friend should. Then Blaine thought back to those words of Rubys a few weeks ago: I know how alone you can feel when something like that happens. He wont want to tell anyone he knows, he wont want to disappoint people or seek help.

James. Something had happened with James and Blaine hadnt been there to witness it, hadnt been there to help and now Kurt was alone and ignoring him. He tried one more time.

[7.59] Please let me know that youre ok.

Kurt felt sick to his stomach at the message. Blaine somehow knew, had guessed and Kurt felt like he couldnt ignore him anymore. He checked the door and the clock and felt slight relief that James would be gone until at least 11 that night. If he deleted straight after, Kurt was sure it would be ok.

[8.03] Im ok, just not very well. Dont worry.

Blaine had seen a similar message before, after Kurt had rowed with James, and Blaine didnt believe it then either. It took only a second for him to make his decision – he grabbed his jacket.

Kurt received no reply and he went on to watching Gossip Girl curled up in his blanket, truly believing that was the end of their discussion. He jumped at the sound of the banging at the door.

"Kurt?"

Kurt wanted to hide under the blanket at the sound of Blaines voice. James had locked him in and he wasnt sure where the key was, wasnt sure if he should let Blaine in. Blaine was getting insistent though.

"Kurt, I know youre in there. What happened? Wheres James?"

Kurt walked to the door, holding his breath so Blaine wouldnt know he was there.

"Please let me in Kurt," Blaine said after a while, his voice quieter as if he had guessed Kurt was there or he was trying another tactic.

Kurt scrabbled for the key, looked in a few places, not caring that he made noise in the hope that Blaine wouldnt disappear, wouldnt leave him alone here anymore.

"Kurt?"

"Found it," Kurt finally said, his voice hoarse with not really speaking all day. He opened the door to an agitated Blaine who suddenly stood frozen as he took in Kurts whole appearance. He was still dressed in loungewear, which Blaine knew was unlike Kurt and he looked tired but just one glance to Kurts face, told Blaine everything. He gasped.

"He hit you…"

Kurts eyes filled instantly with tears at the shame and he quickly closed the door as he allowed Blaine in. He went to the window, desperate to be away from Blaine – someone so innocent and kind.

"What did he do to you?"

"Nothing, its nothing Blaine."

"Kurt, thats not nothing. What happened?"

"I made him angry, he slapped me," Kurt said shrugging. "It wont happen again, I swear."

"You swear?" Blaine looked genuinely confused and horrified. "He did this to you. He could do anything to you, Kurt. You have to get out."

Kurts eyes widened.

"No, were just going through a rough patch. Hes not normally like this."

"Hes been like this ever since Ive known you."

"Which isnt very long," Kurt reasoned, "He was just a little jealous. I provoked him."

"Provoked him?"

"Yeah, he knew Id been out with you last night. He suspected wed been doing stuff behind his back. Weve been seeing too much of each other."

"We have?"
Kurt nodded. "I didnt realise what it must have looked like to him. I told him nothing was going on but we cant be friends anymore Blaine. If hes to truly believe me, I have to show I can be trusted."

Blaines mouth opened. How could someone believe such utter crap?

Kurt walked back to the door as if leading Blaine out again.

"Dont worry about me," Kurt said, trying for lightness in his voice but failing. "Well be better soon."

"I dont get to see you?" Blaine followed like a lost puppy.

"Its for the best," Kurt said kindly, "And we hardly know each other." As Blaine saw the lie leave Kurts mouth, the mask slipped back on, leaving Blaine feeling he was standing there watching someone that wasnt Kurt anymore. Not the kind and caring Kurt that he had been getting to know over coffees and drinks in bars. This Kurt was cold, clinical; the Kurt he knew wanted to sing and be in productions that meant something. The Kurt he knew laughed and joked, was sassy and amazingly beautiful. The Kurt before him was a mere shadow.

"Ill need to delete your number from my phone," Kurt said calmly as his heart raced. Blaine felt his heart pound desperately too.

"No!" he almost shouted, "Dont do that. Save it under another name, a girls name, anything, just dont delete it."

Kurts eyes filled with tears at the kind gesture and he nodded.

"If you ever need anything, Kurt, anything, please phone or text me. Anytime, anywhere, please?"

Kurt nodded, not trusting his voice not to break. He gestured for Blaine to leave but not before Blaine enveloped him in a hug that had Kurt gasping for breath a moment later.

As he let him go, Kurt saw the tears in his eyes just as he knew his own would fall shortly. He closed the door quickly as soon as Blaine left, locked it and deleted all the messages, changed Blaines name to Belinda in his phone and went to bed.

---

Kurt couldnt sleep. The hours ticked on as he waited, looking at the patches on his ceiling, listening for noises in the street below. He had wondered before when James would return after his performance, but after no text and the hours ticked on, Kurt realised James was out drinking again with friends. The early hours just before the dawn were calling to Kurt and he went to sit by his window, just as he heard the birds chirping. They seemed so happy and Kurt envied them. They were free to fly and roam, happy wherever they soared. Kurt felt trapped and cold so he brought a blanket around his shoulders and sat again in his window seat. He started singing long before he realised it was his voice that was calling out into the night, his window open slightly, letting the cool air inside.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

He didnt notice Blaine watching in the shadows of his room, just behind the curtain where he was keeping vigil until James returned home. He was mesmerized by the beauty of Kurts voice.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Kurt was spellbound, looking out the window at the birds, so obviously desperate to be free and Blaine had an image of Kurt opening the window wider, to receive more air, to try to fly just like the birds. Blaine knew he loved him then, knew he needed to save him.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

There was a noise behind Kurt that startled both of them out of the song and into the present. Kurt returned to bed and James tiptoed in as if Kurt was asleep, though Blaine knew he wasnt. He was still concealed behind the curtain in case James suspected anything but he watched as James undressed and got into bed, nestling his nose into Kurts neck. It seemed, if just for tonight, Kurt was safe.

Blaine returned to bed with a heavy heart, not lighter at all by the realization that he loved the man he had been watching in the apartment opposite.