I grew from you

Branches from a dying tree…

You cant break me

Im a piggy bank on the floor

Watch all my spare change

Roll out the door

Watch all my spare change

Roll across the floor

Watching me through

Your glass door...

Spare Change by Ingrid Michaelson

Blaine lay awake, his eyes long since adjusted to the darkness, his ceiling suddenly fascinating in its patterns and faults. He finally gave up but as he got up to get a mug of warm milk that he would never admit to Tessa that he sometimes needed to help him sleep, he looked at the closed curtains. What was Kurt doing behind the window that bared him? Was James home? Blaine took just a second to consider and then he walked forward, tugging the curtain back to reveal Kurts dark window.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust but eventually he could see the shadows of figures then a little more street light made Blaine realise he was watching James come home again, just like a few nights ago. James was completely wasted, just one look could tell Blaine that he had drunk too much but Kurt did not look impressed. Kurt pulled a grimace and tried to face away but James came closer and forced Kurt to look at him, tugged him into his arms until Kurt couldnt resist. James looked ecstatic, his face alive with a smile, though Kurt just looked trapped, trying to wiggle free. Suddenly letting Kurt go, James started to gesticulate wildly as Kurt slowly fell on the bed, no longer finding the energy to fight for sleep or reason. His arms wide, his face animated, James was clearly describing the night in detail and Kurt was not interrupting, more that he listened carefully, storing information for later but giving the impression to James that he wasnt interested. James carried on regardless.

After a while, James realised he didnt have a wilful audience in Kurt and he started to get undressed and went under the covers, not caring that Kurt didnt seem to be joining him. Blaine could only see James head just above the covers as Kurt rested at the end, now talking to James, perhaps to impart reason. He got up, tired and fed up with James conversation, causing James to look up from the bed in surprise. Kurt was walking away, not joining him, not looking as happy as James felt right then. Kurt turned to shout something, at the door to his bedroom, a comment that seemed to strike James in the face and he blanched and sat up in his bed. His smile fell, his forehead immediately creased and he got up quickly, standing to face Kurt who backed closer to the door as James behaviour changed. He fumbled for the door behind him.

James started to shout, causing Kurt to flinch and as quickly as Kurts annoyance had appeared, it dissipated, replaced by fear and the need to placate. He explained himself, gestured to the window, which made Blaine worry they were discussing him until James was too annoyed and he walked out of the bedroom, taking a pillow with him. In an attempt to reason or pacify, Kurt started to follow James, but as he reached the door, it was thrown in his face with a bang that vibrated through the window. Blaine waited.

As Kurt stood there, staring at the closed door, he felt the sudden coldness prickle along his skin. He really was alone until he realised he probably wasnt and turning he found Blaine now standing by his own window.

Kurt didnt look at all surprised to see Blaine standing there and Blaine came instinctively closer, hating the distance caused by panes of glass. Nothing was said, but as Kurts expression changed to one of deep sadness, Blaines gaze softened. To ask if Kurt was ok seemed pointless and as if Kurt knew this to be true, his body sunk and he slipped into bed, knowing full well that Blaine remained where he was, standing guard by the window. Blaine could see Kurt turn over in his bed, his back now facing the window and as James did not appear to be coming back, Blaine went into his own bed, grabbing his phone under the covers.

To Kurt [1.33am]

Are you ok?

Blaine didnt get a response and he left it a few minutes before he rang, Kurt instantly picking up in fear that James might hear.

"Kurt?"

There was no immediate response but Blaine could hear muffled sobs as if Kurt was covering his mouth.

"Kurt? Are you ok?" Blaine tried a little louder. Kurt nodded before he realised that Blaine couldnt see him.

"Yes," he mumbled but Blaine didnt believe him.

"Are you crying?"

"No, no Im ok," Kurt muttered quickly, his swallowing heard over the line, desperate to get himself together.

"Kurt…" Blaine started but the words stopped. He wanted to say he didnt have to pretend but he hardly knew him, he was really just a nosy neighbour.

"I know you saw," Kurt began, "But honestly it was just an argument, hell cool off later, Ill be able to explain."

"But what did you do?" Blaine asked, knowing full well he had done nothing to deserve James anger.

"Hes just a little drunk, its nothing," Kurt managed, his voice still sounding shaky with tears.

"Kurt you should get out of there."

"What? No dont be silly," Kurt said, sounding panicked at the thought. "Hell calm down, hell be apologetic in the morning. Honestly Blaine, dont worry." There was a rustle in the background, like someone might be entering the room. "Id better go," Kurt said abruptly and the phone call was ended.

But Blaine did worry. In case James might see him through the window, Blaine snuck out of bed and crawled on the floor, rising up slowly to peer over the windowsill. He could see both Kurt and James talking now, standing so the streetlights created silhouettes of their bodies. They were less animated, James trying in earnest to apologise or explain. Kurt went closer after a moments pause and eventually they walked to the bed and got under the covers.

Blaine crawled back to bed and sighed, the idea of warm milk long ago forgotten. What did James say to make it all disappear? In a way, Blaine could understand the need to keep the peace but surely Kurt wanted out, why did he stay?

Blaine explored the damp patch on his ceiling, wondering what James was really like if Kurt wanted to remain. Maybe he should try to set up an event that they could all meet together, maybe lunch or coffee and he could see for himself. Blaines mind refused to settle and it was only as he got a text an hour later that he relaxed a little.

To Blaine [2.45]

All is well, we made up. Dont worry, sleep well. Kurt :)

To Kurt [2.46]

Goodnight Kurt x

---

Kurt woke up in strong warm arms, legs entwined around his own but instead of feeling cosy he started to panic. He felt trapped and as he realised he couldnt get out, his breathing changed, heaving in bigger breaths until it just wasnt enough and he felt himself grow heated. James woke amidst the shuffle, feeling the deep breaths against his cheek.

"Kurt, Kurt!" James shouted as soon as he was fully awake. "Its me, its James."

Kurt breathed easier as soon as James loosened his arms and legs, just his hands now gripping Kurts upper arms in an attempt to calm him.

"Its ok, it was just a bad dream," James was saying and although Kurt heard, he didnt seem to be registering it until he was completely free and after a while he just lay there sideways looking at the man in his bed. James looked worried, his eyes wide until Kurt let out a deep breath.

"Are you ok?" James asked, "I think it was just a bad dream."

Kurt said nothing. He didnt say it wasnt a bad dream, didnt explain that it had been James arms and legs suffocating Kurt and making him feel trapped that had caused him to panic. Kurt closed his eyes and nodded slightly.

"Are you ok?"
"I think so," Kurt murmured, his eyes still closed.

"Come here." James opened his arms, inviting Kurt closer and despite the lack of affection normally, Kurt took it for what it was and came to him.

"Maybe we should go away for a while," James said, his voice muffled in Kurts hair. Kurt was surprised so said nothing. "I mean I could use a break and your productions not going anywhere." Kurt could feel the hairs on his arms bristle at the thought his projects and achievements were again considered nothing. "You could obviously use a break after that dream, whatever it was and we havent spent anytime together. What do you say?"

Kurt took his moment, tucked into James side, his face away, to think it all through. If truth be told he was just getting into the swing of things with the musical Brave, and wasnt sure he would be allowed the time off. The thought of Blaine and his new friends caused a pang of something Kurt wasnt sure of but it would be nice to spend some alone time with James again. Maybe they could rekindle the magic of before when Kurt had first met him, first fallen.

"I dont know if I can get any time off," Kurt said.

"Oh dont worry about that," James said nonchalantly. "They wont be able to say no, they wont get anyone better and you could afford to leave that production."

"But I dont want to leave it," Kurt said, hating the way his voice sounded like a teenager who felt life was unfair.

"Ok, ok, I just never get why you stay."

"Ill ask."

"Good," James said, his arms suddenly gone from around Kurts side. He was getting up, leaving Kurt cold in the bed. "Ive always wanted to go to LA, really see how the other half live." He was putting on his boxers, not even looking at Kurt, thinking out loud and not considering Kurts opinion. "Sunshine, perfection… I wonder if we could break into television if we spoke to a few agents there?" James was musing out loud as he changed and as soon as he was finished he walked to the kitchen, rambling as he went, oblivious to Kurts horrified expression. He would never leave New York, it was in his blood, he belonged here. James took his silence as agreement and continued to talk as he made coffee, shouting from the kitchen, planning Kurts life away.

---

To: Kurt [10.12]

Hey Kurt, just wondered if I could come to your rehearsal today. I havent got anything set up for this afternoon and Id love to see you.

Kurt admired his persistence and asked Anthony who said of course and Blaine was invited along. Kurt was a bit nervous. Blaine had seen quite a lot through the window but to see him at his most vulnerable, acting a part that he loved, Kurt wasnt so sure.

When he entered, Blaine looked like hed just been invited to Disneyland. His eyes roved the place as if it was filled with bright rainbow colours and when they alighted on Kurt, his expression didnt change. In fact Kurt realised his smile got wider.

"Thank you so much for inviting me," Blaine gushed as he came closer. "I cant wait to see you rehearse."

Kurt nodded and his worry must have shown on his face because Blaine frowned.

"Are you ok? Do you not want me to be here?"

"Oh no I do, honest," Kurt said quickly. "Im just a little nervous. No one has seen me rehearse before. I just want to be good enough."

"I know you will be great," Blaine said sincerely. "Dont be nervous."

Patty walked over, happy to be discovering something new about Kurt. "Is this the boyfriend?" she asked Kurt as she introduced herself to Blaine. Kurt blushed.

"Oh no, no, this is Blaine, my neighbour I guess?" Kurt looked to Blaine for help.

"Yeah, neighbours," Blaine said happily nodding.

"Right, lets get to work people," Anthony said excitedly, clapping his hands. "Well rehearse the scene at the very end and then itll be musical numbers all day. Sound good?"

There was a murmur of agreement and Patty and Kurt positioned themselves for their last scene. Kurt closed his eyes and from his standing point at the back of the rehearsal space, Blaine could see the transformation. Kurt was now Edward.

"You look different?" Patty as Isabelle said, peering at Kurt questioningly. "Somethings changed."
"I dont think it matters anymore what I felt before. It was always going to unrequited. He doesnt see me in that way; he never has and probably never will."

"Does that bother you?"

"I thought it would," Kurt as Edward said, "But I think Ive learnt too much about myself to be disappointed. The greatest lesson Ive learnt is that I can hold the weight of worlds in my hands; I have such power that I just know that I dont need him. Im not defined by love though I know it changes a person. Fundamentally I am who I am."

"Wise words," Patty spoke her line, nodding her head. The words had impressed her character greatly.

"Im only human," Kurt mused. "I bleed when I fall down; I crash and I break down but its what makes me amazing."

Anthony clapped, signifying the last line and coming out of character Kurt looked at Blaine who remained at the back of the space. His look of awed amazement was now directed at Kurt and his gaze didnt break. His eyes were bright, his mouth slightly open and Kurt felt his nerves dissipate, seeing the adoration in Blaines eyes. No words were needed – Blaine was deeply impressed and Kurt felt himself get taller in his eyes.

"There needs to be a song there," Anthony mused out loud but no one commented and the moment passed by.

---

Blaine and Kurt met more frequently now for coffee or lunch in between rehearsals and live performances in the evening. They eagerly spoke about anything and everything, fast becoming close friends and there was such an ease that Kurt found himself opening up in ways he had never imagined. Blaine knew some secrets that he hadnt even told James, how he felt during the Karofsky torment, coming out, but some things were never said. They discussed their hobbies, their passions in life, the essence of their natures but nothing about personal relationships. In fact, Kurt deliberately never spoke of James. Blaine would wave through the window but there was always a marked difference if Blaine knew James was in the apartment. They met for another coffee one morning before Kurts rehearsal and Blaine felt more and more like something was bothering Kurt.

"Im leaving for LA later tonight," Kurt said after a while as they sipped coffees in the busy café. "Its all a bit rushed but James wanted to go and its been miserable weather here so…"

"How did you manage to get time off?"
"Its only for a week and they said theyd rearrange things for me but eventually they just decided to have chorus rehearsals and tighten up the script." Blaine knew that meant Kurt had insisted, possibly even hinting at the importance of his presence in the production at James suggestion.

"James really wanted the holiday?"

"Yeah," Kurt said, "Itll be good to relax a bit, everythings been a bit stressful lately. We need a break. Have you got a vacation booked?"

Blaine almost laughed.

"No, I never have that kind of money," he said, "I havent been on holiday since I was a kid."

"Really?" Kurt seemed surprised. "You always seem like you never worry about that kind of thing."

"I dont, but it doesnt mean that I shouldnt. Money is always hard to come by, especially when I cant rely on my parents like Tessa can."

"They dont help you out?" Kurt asked, his eyes wide at the thought.

"No," Blaine said, laughing ruefully. "They dont exactly approve of my lifestyle choices."
"Really?"

"Its not even that Im gay, more that I dont have a reliable income. I followed my heart in coming here, it wasnt sensible and they dislike me for it."

"But youre their son," Kurt said, outraged on his behalf, "They have to love you, they should love you."
"Oh they love me, like you say they have to, but they dont approve of me, they think Im living in the clouds. They keep expecting me to return with my tail between my legs, begging for forgiveness and hoping for a new start."

"It just makes me remember how lucky I am," Kurt said amazed that anyone could treat their son that way. "My dad, Burt, is the complete opposite of that, really supportive, always proud of what I do. In fact, its always a bone of contention how much James thinks otherwise." Kurt laughed slightly, like it was just normal moaning about your other half and Blaine smiled, trying to join in. "He thinks I should get a proper Broadway job, really live the highlife, but my dads always proud no matter what."

"Why do you like off-Broadway?"

"I guess because I can see it all unfold, I can contribute to its success. Its not a machine that is well-oiled, where I would just slot in as another piece of machinery. I strive for it, I work at it and hopefully it pays off. James never gets it."

"Why does he like Broadway then?"

"The money and success I guess," Kurt said, shrugging his shoulders. "He got a Tony for his first performance and its seemed a little too easy for him ever since I think. Hes looking for LA next."

"Youre moving to LA?!" Blaine almost shouted. "But you cant move!"
"Finally!" Kurt exclaimed, his hand coming out as if to say: THIS!

"Someone gets it! I dont want to move either. I love New York, its my home."

"Then dont move," Blaine said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well we havent discussed it, James hasnt even said he definitely wants to move but I think this holiday signifies his intent. He wants to find agents."

"Move onto TV and film?"
Kurt nodded. Blaine worried his bottom lip with his teeth.

"It wouldnt suit you," Blaine said after a while. His voice was quiet and he dreaded the words that he knew he would have to say. "Would you consider staying in New York if he moved to LA?" Kurt looked visibly surprised.

"But James would be in LA."

"I know, but would you consider staying and letting him go?" Blaine persisted.

Kurt thought it through, the idea of staying whilst his boyfriend left never occurred to him. He looked at the brown swirling liquid he was drinking, the skinny froth long ago gone, as if it had the answers.

"What do you mean?"

Blaine said nothing, knowing that Kurt was stalling, that it was implicit.

"I dont know," Kurt said after a while, "Ive never really thought about it."

"You dont have to do what you dont want to do," Blaine said, smiling kindly so Kurt knew he meant nothing against James. "Its your life Kurt, and New York is your home."

Home – there was that word again. Kurt looked around the coffee shop, the bustle of people grabbing coffees on the way to somewhere more important, the loud chatter of others as they took breaks from creative places, the idea of life outside the coffee shop. He loved New York and although he never felt at home in his apartment, he definitely felt it in the city he loved. As he looked back at Blaine who was smiling softly, Kurt knew that he understood and just got him. New York was home.

Nothing more was said about the subject and later Blaine wished him a fantastic holiday in the sunshine, but as they parted, Kurt hugged him goodbye: a real bone crunching hug and Blaine smiled. He had said what needed to be said, even if it had only been the tip of the iceberg.

---

They really did have a fantastic vacation. The sun shone, the beaches were perfect and the waves were beautiful. Kurt couldnt remember when he had had such a relaxing holiday, where he could forget everything and just enjoy. It was exactly what he needed and as he lay next to James in their sun loungers, soaking in the sun for James suntan, he really did think it had started to mend their relationship and make him realise what they had missed recently. They talked, laughed and kissed, things they rarely did in New York, just because of lack of time. As they ate at another fine restaurant on the last night of their vacation, Kurt smiled at James animated discussion on the love of the musical score for West Side Story at the same time as he tried to persuade Kurt of the perfection of the choreography. James stopped talking abruptly.

"What are you smiling at?" James looked unnecessarily serious and Kurt remembered he hated the idea that anyone, even Kurt, could laugh at him.

"I was just thinking how cute you look when youre enthusiastic about something," Kurt said smiling and coming closer to persuade him of his truth. James relaxed.

"I just love it here," James said after a while, his eyes boring into Kurts with an intensity Kurt rarely saw there. "I cant remember when I felt so relaxed." Kurt smiled. James certainly looked at ease here.

"I know, me too," Kurt said. "Its been nice."

"More than nice, Kurt," James said, his intensity returning, his eyes wide in their earnest entreaty. "We should live here for real."

Kurts face fell.

"I didnt think you were still holding onto that idea," Kurt said quietly, almost as if he was trying to persuade himself. The week had been amazing but as they toured tourist hotspots, Kurt had known the look on James face. He loved it here and his open eyes and lighter demeanour had told Kurt just what he had feared: that James was looking to make a career and his dreams of living here a reality.

"Its amazing here Kurt," James said emphatically, "Who wouldnt want to live here?"
Kurt said nothing and let the weak me go unsaid.

"We could make great careers here," James continued. "Ive spoken to a few agents and theyve already expressed an interest in my future here. They all said I have the right look."

Kurt nodded. He wondered what that meant but let James carry on.

"I could walk straight into television here and then movies would come soon after, I can just tell."

"But Ive never wanted that," Kurt said weakly but James pounced on the comment, his face alight.

"How can you say that? Youd easily make a career here."

"Youre missing the point. I dont want a career here."

James looked at Kurt like hed gone mad.

"But theres money here," James said with an animation that Kurt knew he never showed in New York. "You could always model."
Kurt pulled a grimace and James changed tactic.

"Or sing professionally, make a recording, and theres theatre here too."

"Its not Broadway."

"But youve not been on Broadway," James said quickly, not thinking what the comment would do to Kurt. He ploughed on anyway. "New York has done nothing for your career Kurt, you dont owe it anything."
Kurt thought of the city he called home, thought of the struggle to perform and the striving and he couldnt hate it. He loved the battle to be heard, it made all so much more when he finally achieved it. Performing there was in his blood and he wouldnt hear anything else against his beloved city. Kurt shook his head.

"I love it there," he said looking James straight in the eye. "Its home."
James shoulders sunk; like he was losing the battle and he shook his head, thinking Kurt was a lost cause. As they got the check, James seemed to realise this difference between them really was important.

"What will happen to us?" James said as they walked back to their hotel room and Kurt stopped in the hallway.

"What do you mean?"

"When I move here, when I make a successful career here and youre still in New York?"

This was it. Kurt almost felt like his world was spinning out of his control. James eyes bore again into his own like he was daring Kurt to say what he refused to say.

"I dont know," Kurt said weakly. James just nodded and let them in with the hotel key card.

---

As the plane made its way over America, leaving LA behind, time seemed to whizz forward quickly, knowing that it would be much later when they arrived in New York. James had said nothing else about the move to LA and they had one more great night of sex before they left to go back home. He had insisted on the window seat and James looked outside now in silence, thinking it through but never relaying information back to Kurt. Kurt wanted to insist that they stay in New York, that it was his place and his home but being in a mature, adult relationship made him think he had to compromise, make decisions as a unit. There was no compromise now, one person and one person alone could win and Kurt knew it signified the end.

The thought of ending his relationship with James so he could pursue his dreams in LA, didnt seem as daunting or terrible as Kurt had thought and he was lost in his thoughts of a future without his boyfriend as the plane continued its journey. James eventually tapped him out of his reverie.

"However much I want to leave New York and make my way in LA, I dont want to go without you," James said. Kurt had been preparing another conversation in his head and was taken aback. "If you want to stay in New York, Kurt, Ill stay too. I love you."

Kurt was stunned. They rarely shared those three words, Kurt knowing that James felt they were stilted and not as important as showing your love. Kurt had often wondered what James felt constituted showing love but now was not the time to discuss it. James had said he would stay, would do what Kurt wanted, had even said he loved him. Kurt felt his throat constrict but he swallowed in an effort to say something.

"You love me that much?"

"Of course Kurt," James said smiling, "I know things have been tough lately and weve struggled to spend time together but I mean what I say. LA would be fantastic but I want you to realise that on your own. LA can wait."

Kurt thought hed never want to live there but he didnt say it. James was willing to stay in New York for him, that was enough for now.

"Ok."

"So youll consider LA in the future?"

"Ok."

It was all Kurt could say.

"Great."

James beamed and touched Kurts thigh as he looked, once again, out the window as the plane prepared to descend, causing Kurts stomach to sink for more than one reason.

---

Blaine noticed when they arrived back to their apartment, took in James happy stance and Kurts relaxed pose as they wandered around unpacking. It was obvious to Blaine that they had rekindled something on their vacation and come to happy decisions and Blaine felt a pang of jealousy that he didnt have that in his own life. Maybe he had been relying too much on Tessa recently. As if she knew Blaines thoughts, she rung him soon after and explained details about her gig that night.

"Is Kurt back yet?" she asked a little later.

"Yeah, in fact Ive just seen him enter his apartment."

"Still havent gotten curtains?" Tessa said, laughing.

"No."

"And you dont want them to, do you? Dirty dog."

"Its nothing like that," Blaine said, clearly annoyed and Tessa paused.

"Youre angry with me?"

Blaine sighed.

"No, not with you, I just dont get what he sees in him," Blaine said.

"Well invite them out tonight, find out," Tessa said, "Its gonna be fun."

"I dont know…" Blaine hesitated, scratching the back of his neck.

"What have you got to lose?"

---

"So youre going out again?" James asked as he downed his coffee and walked to his closet, grabbing his jacket.

"Not again," Kurt said defensively, "I havent been out with them for over a week."

"Only because you were in LA," James spoke loudly from the bedroom. He came back into the living area, already putting his jacket on.

"So its Blaine again," James said, his face set.

"Not just Blaine. Tessa, Ruby and Sam are bound to be there too."

"So what do they do?"

"Sing, play, any place that will have them."
James rolled his eyes. "A solid career." He dripped with sarcasm and Kurt felt his hackles rise.

"I thought youd understand that."

"No I dont," James said angrily, pulling his jacket closer. "We have careers that pay regularly Kurt. He does not."

"But they do what they love, dont you get it?"
"Whatever Kurt," James said, aware that Kurt lived in a dreamland and would hear nothing of sense. "I need to get to the theatre."

Kurt nodded. James would always leave in the middle of an argument.

"When you come back from your dream of a world where people pay for talent, come and find me. Ill probably go for a few drinks after the performance."

Kurt nodded. Of course he would. James waved dismissively, no hug, no kiss and Kurt soon heard the door close with a bang. It had been so easy to go back to their old ways and habits, Kurt almost smiled sadly. Maybe drinks and singing tonight would help.

---

"So James couldnt come after work?"

"No, he was asked out for drinks with colleagues before and couldnt let them down." Kurt let the lie slip out easily and Blaine didnt have a reason not to believe him. He nodded then smiled.

"Well we can spend time together then," he said and Kurt felt the smile grow on his own face, like it was infectious. Blaine was always so happy and optimistic.

Tessa was up and playing her guitar classics, Ruby watching and drinking happily. Sam was nowhere to be seen.

"Wheres Sam tonight?"

"He got a modelling contract," Blaine said excitedly. "He was worried he wouldnt make it a success but he has and without losing the pounds his first agency suggested. Im really pleased for him."

"Thats great, I didnt know he wanted to be a model," Kurt said, "Im sure I could have given him a few contacts from James."

"No it doesnt matter, he found an agency that got it, that got him and hell make it Im sure." Blaine was beaming.

"How do you do it?" Kurt asked, looking at Blaine with such earnest incredulity that Blaine could only laugh again.

"Do what?"

"Bubble with happiness all the time," Kurt said.

Blaine felt his smile freeze slightly.

"Im not happy all the time," Blaine said after a while, shrugging his shoulders defensively. "I have worries and fears just like everyone else."

Kurt wanted to take it back. Of course Blaine was human. He touched Blaines hand gently where it rested on the table between them, causing Blaines eyes to look up, seeking Kurts.

"I know," Kurt said, "Im jealous, thats all. I wish I could be that optimistic and hopeful for the future."

Blaines expression softened, his eyes like golden honey in the low lights of the bar.

"I never used to be like that," Blaine said quietly, "I guess I just found it was easier to be like that rather than the alternative. I used to sing with the Warblers, my glee club, during high school and I was their lead. I used to think that if I wasnt happy and optimistic then people would find out, people would know."

"Know what?" Kurt had the impression there was a secret on the edge of Blaines tongue and he desperately needed to know what it was.

"That life isnt perfect, that Im not perfect."

"Oh but you are," Kurt said without thinking and Blaine looked up in surprise.

"You think Im perfect?" he whispered.

Kurt tried to laugh, to cloud his comment with comedy but it came out choked.

"I think youre pretty awesome too," Blaine said smiling shyly. Kurt laughed again.

"We are pretty awesome."

"I know that some people dont think that were awesome, I feel like we have to prove them wrong, show them that we are."

Kurt wondered who it was in Blaines life that didnt think he was awesome but before he could ask, Ruby was laughing at something self-deprecating that Tessa was saying on stage.

"This is the song anyway and if you hate it dont tell me," Tessa laughed but she started to play and let the words speak for itself.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today

"Did she write this herself?" Kurt whispered near Blaines ear. Blaine nodded, clearly impressed.

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see

Im a gallery of broken hearts

Im beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts

The song was simple and definitely repetitive but Kurt scanned the crowd and noticed they loved it just as much as Blaine and himself. People were tapping to the beat and could recognize the human struggle in her words. She was laughing and shrugging as she finished but the crowd gave her the biggest applause she had all night and she thanked them and left the stage.

"Wow," she said as she breathed out in relief and sat at the table with Blaine, Ruby and Kurt.

"That was fantastic," Kurt said as Blaine touched her arm to show how much he loved it too. He had heard it before, in her room when she had first tested it as a song she could sing in public. Blaines eyes now twinkled with pride.

"Thanks," she said, "I guess people love the self-deprecation after all. Maybe I could test more of my stuff in future."

"Oh yeah definitely," Ruby said, "How much have you got?"
"Oh at least twenty songs but I might need to go over a couple to make sure theyre ready for public consumption."

"Well do it," Ruby said.

"Youve been holding out on us," Kurt said smiling and Tess assured him he would hear more in future.

"Good to see you tonight Kurt," she said after a sip of a drink Ruby had bought her. "Blaine has missed you."
She laughed mischievously as Blaine blushed but Kurt only laughed in return. He knew her game. "When are we going to meet this boyfriend of yours?" she said.

"Oh he works really hard and always in the evening," Kurt said quickly. "I dont think hed be free for a while. Itll just be me."

Tessa smiled. "Thats fine with us chuck." Kurt looked confused at the expression and Blaine simply nodded in Rubys direction, causing Kurt to smile knowingly.

"How did you two meet by the way?" Ruby asked. "Some kind of Broadway function?"

"Sort of," Kurt said, "He was a junior at NYADA whilst I was a senior and he was at some mixer for successful alumni. Though he left NYADA that year hes never looked back. Hes not needed college, hes got on fine without it."

"He didnt want the training as a back-up?" Blaine asked.

Kurt shook his head. "He never felt he needed it and hes never been out of work."

Blaine was amazed.

"I couldnt have done that," Blaine said, "I mean my time at NYU was precious to me, I learnt my craft, became so much more. I wouldnt have gotten anywhere without it."

"James was lucky I guess."

"You dont regret going to NYADA?"

"Oh no," Kurt said quickly, "It was the best time of my life. I loved living with high school friends and feeling part of something so much bigger than myself."

Blaine let the minutes slip by as he listened to Kurt talk about his band and his friends, how he loved doing all those fun things until life got a little too serious and he had to earn a living. Kurt reflected that it must be at least a year since hed seen Elliott or Dani and he shook his head sadly at the thought. Blaine watched as his enthusiasm for his current life showed in his quiet and slower voice.

"I guess life gets a little boring when you start to grow up," Kurt laughed ruefully. "I was hoping it wouldnt happen so soon."

Blaine looked at him carefully and wondered if he should feel that way too. He shook his head.

"No I dont think it should happen at all," Blaine said. "Who said we need to grow up? Life is for living, it should never be boring."
Kurt stayed a little frozen as Blaine spoke. Hed felt so old but Blaine had what Kurt so desired – happiness, optimism and the hope of youth. There was only a years difference.

"Do you sometimes feel jaded and tired though?" Kurt whispered to Blaine, seeming to forget that anyone else was listening. Blaine smiled kindly.

"Yeah, we all do," Blaine said, "But life carries on and you can either go with it or you can get left behind. I so want to take every opportunity. I just need to live."

"To prove a point?" Kurt asked and Blaines eyes focused on Kurts clear blue irises ahead of him.

"I cant let them win," he said quietly, barely above a whisper and Kurt knew he meant his parents and all the people that told him he was living in the clouds.

"Can we fight them together?" Kurt smiled and Blaine suddenly wanted nothing more than to grab his hand and run with him, anywhere, but somewhere away from all the mature and sensible ideals and into the sun.

"Yes, we can fight them together."

---

They walked home after a few more drinks and the silence was pleasant as Kurt let Blaines words flit around him and echo in his ears.

"Will you look over some of my music tomorrow or sometime when youre free?" Blaine said after a while. Kurt looked a little surprised. "I mean, I could really do with improving them before I played them to live audiences. The songs I play are getting a little jaded now."
"Do you always play your own music?"

"Yeah, I mean I start with unusual songs that I make my own or Disney covers but Ive written loads of songs recently and Im a bit nervous about playing them just yet. Id love to get your opinion."
"My opinion?"

"Yeah, I really value what you think."

"Then Id love to hear your songs Blaine," Kurt said beaming that he was trusted that much. "Id feel honored."

"You havent heard them yet," Blaine joked.

"Dont do that," Kurt said seriously, "Dont put yourself down. Im sure theyll be great."

"Well this is me," Blaine said needlessly as they stopped on their street. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah that sounds great, Ill text you." Kurt was looking up at the lights on in his own apartment with surprise. It was gone two oclock but hed just assumed James wouldnt be back for hours.

"James is home," Blaine said but Kurt didnt hear and just wished Blaine a good night as he walked to his door. Blaine let himself in, closing the curtains in his bedroom with only one last thought for Kurt. He eventually drifted off to sleep with only happy thoughts of what tomorrow might bring with music and original songs.

Kurt, on the other hand, entered his apartment amidst eerie silence despite the full glare of every light in the apartment. It was unlike James to be so wasteful.

"James?"

James didnt answer; just let Kurt find him in the bedroom. James didnt look up when Kurt entered the room.

"James? Are you ok?"
"You werent here when I got home."

The statement seemed to hang in the air – accusatory and hateful – and Kurt started to get a little worried.

"I went out with friends," he said calmly, "Just like I said."

"Friends?" James spat out, the word almost echoing in the small room. He stood, his arms straight lines that ended in clenched fists by his sides. "Dont play me for a fool. You were out with Blaine."

The name was said with such venom that Kurt immediately recoiled. That name should only be said sweetly. James came closer and Kurt again recoiled at the smell. He reeked of alcohol.

"And Tessa and Ruby," Kurt said weakly, knowing that James was too far-gone to see reason.

"What did you talk about? What did you get up to?"

"Nothing, we went to a bar, Tessa played, we had a few drinks."

"Liar," James spat, this time a drop of spittle landing on Kurts porcelain face. Kurt closed his eyes, wanted this moment to end. He took another step back.

"No, Im telling you the truth."

"What did you talk about? How your boyfriend is so pathetic and never at home? How your life is so dreadful and you want to change it? Or how youre making your boyfriend stay in New York when it doesnt make your life any better? Is that it? You complain to him?"

"No I dont complain," Kurt begged him to understand. "I was saying how life was getting a little grown-up, that we had to think about bills now, not about you, never anything bad about you."
"You dont like your life?"

"No I love my life, I love New York. I dont want to hold you back from going to LA and living your dreams though. I would never want to do that."

"Then come with me," James said, "Let us move to LA."

Kurt sighed and sat on the bed. James seemed to be a little calmer but he was still emphatic, like the alcohol had given him fighting energy in his veins. Kurt just felt tired.

"I dont know James," he said, "I really do love it here."
James let the comment whirl in the air around them. He heard what he wanted to hear, that Kurt didnt love him enough to move.

"Is this about Blaine?"

"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, looking up sharply at the insinuation.

"You want to stay for Blaine."
"No, I hardly know him," Kurt said quickly, brushing invisible lint from his pants, anything to distract from the honest truth.

James seemed to know anyway and stood, keeping his back towards Kurt.

"I dont want you seeing him anymore," he said simply and Kurt felt his jaw unhinge, the stupidity of the statement so obvious. Kurt stood too.

"You cant do that!" Kurt said outraged, "Ill see who I like."

"No you wont."

It was swift, so Kurt didnt see it coming, but the slap left a sting as his face swung to the other side with the force of it. A darkening red mark appeared rapidly as Kurt grabbed his face, his eyes watering.

"You wont see him." James said again, more forcefully and Kurt could say nothing as James grabbed his pillow and a thin blanket. He left Kurt to stay in the bedroom on his own, a strange sense of doing what was right despite the circumstances. Kurt felt his knees weaken and he fell to sit on the bed behind him as tears overtook him. He covered his mouth in an attempt to keep the noise down, determined not to let James know he had gotten this reaction, but he shook with the effort and heaved in deep breaths. He took one look out the window where Blaine had drawn his curtains closed and let the sobs take over.