Chapter 10

Kurt and Blaine fell into a habit of seeing each other at least every other day, sometimes for a coffee or lunch, other times for more of a dinner date but every time Blaine felt his heart getting a little lighter. He always enjoyed meeting up with Kurt, always had new things to discuss with him about his days now he was helping out at the Trevor hotline and he felt less alone. He deliberately left his apartment to visit places around the city he loved and he had begun to write new songs again. He practiced and rearranged set lists for his evening performances and songs that lifted his spirits were reintroduced to his audiences rather than the melancholy songs that had drifted into his repertoire. Kurt came to see him play a few times each week and he couldn't help but gush at his performances.

After a few weeks of such habits Kurt found himself arriving at his apartment after a late night with Blaine at one of his performances. Rachel had left a note scrawled in pink lipstick on their big mirror, explaining she had gone to bed and Kurt kicked off his shoes and padded to the kitchen to make a mug of tea. The phone rang abruptly and he ran to catch it quickly before it woke Rachel.

"Hello?"

"Kurt?" Even after three years together it had seemed James still had to question whether it was Kurt who answered. The six months had not stopped Kurt from recognising his voice instantly.

"James. What are you doing?"

"I don't know…" his voice sounded distant but Kurt suddenly heard a barely contained sob as he heaved in his breath.

"What's wrong?"

"I just needed to hear your voice I guess," James said not knowing how to continue and Kurt felt trapped between caring for this guy he had nearly married and wanting to hang up. He let James continue but he settled with his tea on the sofa in case he was in for a long night.

"I've been looking through my mum's stuff, reading all her papers. I sorted out her bills today, made an effort with her clothes but thought I'd best leave that for another day. But I saw these papers and couldn't stop reading Kurt." He seemed wracked with another sob and Kurt waited patiently as he imagined James sitting on his cold laminate flooring, surrounded by stacks of pretty paper. Sara always liked her diaries and journals and even Kurt knew that she kept hundreds of notebooks and such. It was obviously too painful to attempt now so Kurt suggested he stop and go to bed, reminding James it was late.

"But I can't Kurt, I feel I need to read them all even though it's painful. A lot of them mention you."

"They do?" Kurt whispered.

"Yeah, god you were so special to her Kurt, I never really understood your friendship with her. Boyfriends aren't supposed to get on with in-laws are they but I was a bit jealous of your relationship with her if I'm honest. I always worried she'd rather have you as a son."

"She always loved you James and wanted the best for you; always," Kurt said.

"I know, she says that actually," James seemed to compose himself slightly, Kurt could hear him swallow. "She writes about how special you are and that she was so glad I'd found someone like you. She writes of that time at thanksgiving where you sang a song for everyone and gosh the way she describes it so well… I mean I remember it anyway but it just brings it all back. You were so perfect; your voice was just breathtaking. I mean it always has been but that night, just for us, you took my breath away and I think I'd forgotten…" James' voice became distant again, as if his memory had transported him somewhere else. After a while he continued. "She describes so many perfect times and I remembered them all but it was as if they were buried away, hidden under all the rubbish. Do you remember that time when we all had a barbeque? Burt and Carole too? She describes looking from her garden chair at all of us laughing at something your dad had said and she wrote she'd never been happier. Happy knowing that I had found someone like you and with such a loving family. She describes the shopping trips you both went on to the mall, the times you saw old films together. She loved you so much Kurt…" James' voice faltered again as he could hear Kurt's tears on the other end of the line. "After I did what I did Kurt, she was devastated, I can't believe I hurt her that much and it was such a stupid mistake."

Kurt couldn't speak in reply, his voice so full of emotion and so he swallowed repeatedly. He felt so torn between hatred that the 'stupid mistake' he referred to had made so much damage and that Sara had been so hurt by it all. A wave of grief seemed to overwhelm him as he remembered her so well, wished he had kept in touch with her and hated that their last time together had been a tearful goodbye.

"I so wish I could turn back time Kurt," James was saying, though Kurt still felt far away. "I wish for so much." Something in Kurt seemed to snap.

"Well we can't turn back time James, I'm sorry," he replied coldly.

"I know Kurt, I really do know but I just want that back, I need you more than I thought possible. Will you meet me again? Please?" He sounded so desperate, Kurt would have thought it was pathetic if he didn't instantly think of Sara and what she would have wanted.

"I don't know what that will achieve James," Kurt said wearily.

"Please," he said, "Just please, one time, for coffee?"

"I can't tomorrow, maybe next week."

"Ok, ok," James said sounding so glad that Kurt had agreed to so much, "Can I have your number again?" Kurt gave it to him and soon finished the conversation feeling emotionally drained. He went to bed, curled next to Oscar and watched the sun rise a few hours later.

xXx

Kurt debated with himself for hours whether to discuss the conversation with anyone. He could mention it briefly to Rachel as he left his apartment but he knew he would get embroiled in a heated debate about all the consequences and what his best course of action would be, the same would be of course with his dad or Robyn at work. He quickly decided against Blaine. Not really knowing what they were, he didn't want to confuse matters any further and he definitely didn't want to appear like he was throwing his failed relationship in Blaine's face after he had gone through his own painful break-up. He would have to think and suffer in silence it seemed.

Kurt and Blaine had agreed to meet up for lunch and as Kurt waited for Blaine who was coming straight from a shift at Trevor, Kurt kept biting his nails and looked straight at the coffee table in front of him, hoping it would impart some kind of advice. He didn't notice Blaine approach him until his legs were behind the coffee table and Kurt looked up to see Blaine's concerned expression.

"Hey," Blaine said, "What's wrong? Why so thoughtful?" He sat down with his own coffee and Kurt wondered how long he had been staring into space if Blaine had time to buy a drink.

"Sorry," Kurt said, "Gosh, where do I start?" He laughed without humour but then seemed to shake himself out of the mood and focused fully on the man in front of him. Gosh he had missed him and it had barely been twelve hours since he had seen him last.

"From the beginning?" Blaine asked smiling.

"Oh no," Kurt said flustered, "Don't worry Blaine, it's something I need to work out on my own I think." He waved the issue away and Blaine looked at him carefully.

"James?" Blaine whispered.

Kurt looked at him and felt his own face soften. How did this guy he had known for a couple of months, already know so much about him? How could he tell his every expression, every worry?

"I'm sorry Blaine, this is too awkward," he said looking down.

"No Kurt, we're friends and you've helped me through a lot so I feel I owe you at least a dodgy discussion about your annoying ex." Kurt looked up to see Blaine's grimace and he almost laughed. Blaine noticed.

"What? I'm sorry, you can't expect me not to be a little jealous he's back in the picture. He sounds like a jackass."

"Oh he can be," Kurt said smiling, "But I wouldn't have been with him for three years and planned to marry him if he was always that way." Blaine thought back to his own failed wedding and felt a bit childish. He sat up, determined to listen like a good friend.

"Well go on," Blaine said, "What has he done?" Kurt checked he was sincere, continued and once the words came out he found he couldn't stop. Blaine was an attentive listener, never interrupting but his face showing his emotions vividly and Kurt carried on, until he was out of words and his face nearly crumpled with the weight of what he had said. Tears had pooled in his eyes as he told about Sara's affection for him and the special memories they shared. It became Sara's tale rather than James' and Blaine couldn't help but feel sad that this wonderful woman had passed before her time.

"He asked to meet with me," Kurt whispered barely audible.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I gave him my number said we'd arrange something next week but I deliberately said it wouldn't help, wouldn't be what he wanted but I don't know…"

"What was he like before he cheated?" Blaine asked, despite the fiery bubble he felt in his stomach.

"I don't know really," Kurt shrugged his shoulders, "Sometimes he could be really romantic and we always loved the same stuff but I never thought he would ever do something like that so when I found him like that, it seemed to erase all the good he'd done. I can only see him as a cheater now."

"But you said earlier you stayed with him for three years, almost married him. He must have had some redeeming qualities?"

"He's a great laugh, always joking normally and every day felt like Christmas when he was in a good mood but at the same time nothing was taken seriously. He never told me how he really felt, I never really felt like he loved me. He was different last night. I've never heard him so emotional."

"So there's something there?" Blaine asked quietly.

"I don't know," Kurt whispered, unable to look at Blaine, "I don't think so."

"Well you need to find out I guess," Blaine said sounding so sure whilst he felt a little lost.

Kurt didn't know what to say. He looked at Blaine's warm brown eyes, relived moments with him, knew he had fallen so hard. He thought he had known James, only to find he knew nothing. He couldn't decide whether the history he had with James was really that important.

xXx

He met with James a few days later and Blaine it seemed had ceased contact for the time being. Kurt had text a few times and although Blaine had replied, his texts had remained short and to the point. He was giving Kurt his space he knew but he missed Blaine's easy company and he was forever grateful that Blaine had been gentlemanly enough to talk to him about it. He had acted so nice about it all, Kurt worried that Blaine would never fight but he remembered this was how grown-ups acted. James had always been slightly petulant, that had been some of his charm but Blaine spoke about James, giving advice to Kurt where needed. He had been a great friend in all of this and Kurt couldn't help but mentally add that to the 'pro' list for Blaine as he walked to the coffee shop to see James.

James was already there and for once he looked anxious as he waited for Kurt. Gone was the cocky demeanour and sex driven beast. Kurt mimed getting a coffee as he entered and fell in line. He got James his usual coffee too, hoping it hadn't changed in six months. As he sat down, opposite James at a safe distance, James looked nervously his way and nodded his thanks.

"How have you been Kurt?" he asked politely and he seemed so different to his usual self that Kurt felt nerves swirl around his stomach. He answered about the mundane – work, apartment and such but James clearly wanted to get on with the real conversation. After a long pause he started.

"Kurt I've been thinking," he said then gulped, "I've been thinking I was a fool to let things slip like I did, especially for some cheap fuck and…" Kurt held up a finger to pause.

"Several cheap fucks."

James nodded in understanding and acceptance.

"Ok, I get it, I was a jackass Kurt but I know now." He seemed to expect this to be the end of the conversation, like he had explained himself fully.

"Know what?"

"I need you Kurt," he said sincerely, "I need you in my life, it just doesn't work without you. I'm sorry it's taken loads of mistakes and six months of agony to realise but…"

"James you know this has only happened because of your mum…"

"No, no Kurt," he insisted, "I've been miserable for months I just didn't realise it."

"You didn't realise it?" Kurt laughed.

"Well you know how dense I am?" he laughed in return, "I always did think with my dick, but you've always been the best fuck, always." James nodded as if he was imparting the sweetest compliment.

"I know," Kurt said, "But that's not all that I am James." He looked sadly at the man before him. The laughter they had shared, the good times, the sex – all memorable, all amazing but what he had needed was friendship and someone that cared. He thought back to Blaine then - loving Blaine who was always there to listen and even in the throes of passion between them he had remained loving, that had never changed despite his heartache. And god, he'd almost forgotten the sex.

"I know that now Kurt, I really do," he had started to plead, seemed to sense Kurt's departure and distance.

"I don't think you'll ever know," Kurt said sadly, "We had good times James, just think back to those but we can't have fun all the time – sometimes I need more and I just don't think you're capable."

James looked lost as he realised Kurt was right and he gazed at the life lines on his open palms almost cursing his lack of understanding, suddenly wishing his mum was here again. Kurt finished his coffee and stood up.

"I should go James, but we can keep in touch can't we?" He said, meaning what he said. James nodded and said his goodbye. It had taken Kurt six months to get over the hurt James had caused but looking at him now, small in the sofa seat, he could feel only pity. He could forgive him easily now because he knew James would never forgive himself.

xXx

Kurt went to Blaine's apartment straight from the coffee shop, guessing from the time that Blaine would be getting ready to perform that night. He knocked on the door to be greeted by a dapper Blaine in the tightest black jeans and a mustard shirt with a black vest and matching mustard bow tie. Blaine went all out when he performed.

"Kurt!" he exclaimed, "I wasn't expecting to see you today."

"No sorry, are you just out?"

"I will be soon, but I have a few minutes. Are you ok?" Ever the gentleman.

"Yeah," as Kurt was led to the sofa in Blaine's apartment. "I just met with James."

"Oh," Blaine looked dejected despite deliberately keeping his hands busy with pouring coffee.

"Blaine," Kurt said as he touched his hands gently, stilling them in his own. "It's ok. I wanted to thank you, you've been so amazing, such a great friend, I don't deserve it."

"Yes you do," Blaine exclaimed, almost annoyed, "You do. Gosh Kurt you were there when I really needed someone and I hope James realises how awesome you are. You're sure you want to go back to him?"

"What?" Kurt said, "I'm not going back to him." Blaine looked wide eyed at Kurt, taking in the news, searching Kurt's blue eyes for something.

"Never Blaine, that's what I came to tell you, I realised something and I couldn't pretend that everything was ok with James. He's never going to be able to give me what I need."

"And what's that?" Blaine whispered, edging closer to Kurt's lips, mesmerised by his eyes.

"A Blaine. I need a Blaine," and as Kurt blushed, he felt Blaine's warm lips against his own. This was where he belonged after all.