Chapter 20

Dear Kurt,

I miss you. I know it's only been a week but it kills me a little more each day and I know I'm supposed to be stronger, know that you must be enjoying your new life but I miss you. I don't want to put any pressure on you to worry about me or stop what you're doing. I just need to write it down.

I got the role of Tony, like I hoped. I sang 'Something Coming' for the audition and they seemed to like it. I mean I would have accepted any role but they said I was just right for Tony so I've been spending all my hours rehearsing dance moves and learning the songs. I would love it if you could see a performance if you were available that weekend.

Just seven weeks until Thanksgiving and maybe if I ask nicely I can visit you before that, now my dad has more money. Things are a little awkward at home, my mum suddenly too silent and morose, my dad hardly noticing. I tried engaging my mum in conversation at the breakfast table but she barely responds. I don't really know what to do; I know I'm not good enough for her either.

I really didn't want this to be a letter about all my worries but that's what this has turned into. I guess I have made friends here but no one like you, no one I can really talk to.

I hope you know how special you are, when you're surrounded by all the amazing people that got places at NYADA. You should know that you're the best and I love you very much.

Love you most, love you only,

Love Blaine xx

Dear Blaine,

I miss you too, god I miss you. Don't think for one minute that the busy-ness of New York and NYADA has me forgetting you. I miss you when I sit in classes and want to turn to you to make you laugh and realise you're not there. I miss you when I hear a song we used to sing together and your part remains unsung. I miss you when I lie in bed and imagine you hugging me close. Never think that I don't miss you.

I really want to visit to see your performance and someone at NYADA has offered their air miles so I can come! Just let me know the weekend and I'll be straight there.

After that, you coming to visit before I'm back for Thanksgiving will make the weeks fly by. I know it seems ages away but if we both manage visits in between, really it's a maximum of three weeks to wait. I'm counting down the days.

I'm sorry things are rubbish at home. I know our skype chats hide a multitude of worries and you must be really lonely there. I do worry about you Blaine and wish you could make more friends. It kills me to think of you there in Columbus and I can't wait to hug you close again.

I think we should skype more, text more, ring more so whenever you feel lonely, worried or you need me, get on the phone. Blaine I'm always here for you. The miles mean nothing.

Beethoven wrote this letter to his beloved in the book I bought for you. If you ever feel lonely and you can't see me just read that letter and know.

"Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved… I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all. O God, why must one go away from what one loves so, and yet my life as it is now is a miserable life.

What longing in tears for you – You – my life – my All – farewell. Oh, go on loving me – never doubt the faithfullest heart of your beloved

Ever thine

Ever mine

Ever ours."

Never forget

Love Kurt xx

Blaine does try. He remembers as he reads Kurt's letter whenever he struggles. He keeps a copy in his jacket pocket at all times, the actual letter kept safe at home amongst his treasured possessions, mainly Kurt's letters. The rehearsals take all his time and he starts to spend less time moping on his bed. As he is surrounded by people at school, he wishes he had Kurt to walk to class with, to eat with at lunch but he imagines Kurt enjoying New York and living his dream and he is happy. He will be there in a year too, he is determined.

There is suddenly a new kid at his school that he wonders about, hears extravagant things about and he is intrigued. He discovers his name is Sebastian, mainly because the new kid won't stop staring at him and he asks someone that happens to be standing near his locker one morning. Blaine still feels like the new kid too and he wonders at the supposed confidence of this guy, already cocky and sure of himself in this strange new environment. Blaine doesn't have to wait long to meet him properly as he approaches him at his locker at the end of the school day.

"I'm Sebastian," he says, leaning on the locker and holding out his hand, "I've already heard good things about you." He smiles, arrogant and mischievous and Blaine doesn't know what to say. What could he have possibly heard about him?

"You're playing Tony aren't you? I heard you have a great voice."

"I don't know," Blaine hesitated, "I guess."

"No guess about it. You're new and you managed to snag the male lead, which takes some talent."

Blaine smiles shyly at the comment and goes to walk down the corridor until Sebastian stops him.

"Fancy a coffee? I guess you don't know your way around yet? I can show you the only coffee shop I know and maybe you can give me some tips so I can follow your meteoric ascent into fame here?" He smirked but seemed strangely genuine so Blaine found himself nodding, desperate for friendship too.

xXx

"You know you want to join," was suddenly heard behind Kurt as he stood reading the extra-curricular activities board, mainly a poster advertising Adam's Apples the show choir. Kurt turned in the direction of the voice to find an empty space but as he turned back around, he was greeted with a beaming face under a beanie hat.

"I'm Adam," he said in a British accent and as Kurt shook his hand in greeting, he couldn't help but return the smile.

"Kurt."

"Well Kurt," Adam continued, "I know you're thinking about signing up, aren't you?"

"Well, I don't know, maybe…"

"Well I'm a founding member and leader of the group and I know you're wondering how college could be so much like high school and you're worried about fitting in and you want to join my group but you're worried it's a step backwards and no I'm not a mind-reader, I'm just astute like you." He finished his rambling with another beaming smile and Kurt couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm very impressed you said all that in one breath but I don't think I'll be joining," Kurt said as he smiled apologetically and started going on his way. Adam didn't appear to be giving up though.

"A hard sell," Adam said, impressed, as he followed Kurt, "I respect that, but just hear us sing, no strings attached and we'll hear you sing. That sounds fair doesn't it?" Adam quirked an eyebrow in mock challenge and Kurt knew it was inevitable that he would join and enjoy himself, Rachel's warning ignored.

Dear Blaine,

I thought I would write to you first and tell you all my news that I will probably tell you tonight before you receive this letter. I like writing to you. It seems kind of romantic that we write and when we're old and grey, with children and grandchildren, we'll be able to show them these letters and we'll all laugh and cry that we were so melodramatic. Not that there's any pressure to love me forever or anything – I'll stop now…

I joined Adam's Apples today despite Rachel telling me it was career suicide to join the show choir. I like to sing and perform and I never did care what people think of me, why should I start in college. They make me laugh and the songs they sing are fun, not like the perfectly pitched songs I have to perform for class. Adam is great and British and a senior and I'm sure you'd like him. Too many ands, sorry.

I can't wait to see you next weekend, to see my Tony again. I know you'll be perfect and I hope rehearsals are going well. You seemed tired on skype yesterday, don't work too hard.

How are things with your parents really? I know you can't say much on the phone but really let me know if things are worse. Don't suffer alone Blaine.

I hope you're making friends, that Sebastian you mentioned sounds like he's looking after you.

Never forget

Love Kurt xx

Dear Kurt,

Two days before I see you again! I'm literally bopping my leg up and down constantly as I write this, I just can't wait.

I've been rehearsing pretty hard for Tony, I don't want to ruin this or let you down. I know you believe in me and I'm always really grateful.

Sebastian has been helping me with my part, rehearsing some of the scenes with me and it's pretty hard to imagine falling in love with my Maria but I imagine you instead. I tell my Maria that I love her and think only of you.

Sebastian keeps joking about getting fake IDs and going to the gay bar here in Columbus but I don't think that's a good idea. He knows so much and has been to so many places. He lived in Paris and complains about the lack of Courvoisier in his coffee!

Two days! I can't wait to see you.

Love you most, love you only,

Love Blaine xx

xXx

The time whizzes past amongst rehearsals and coffee trips with Sebastian and Blaine is grateful that he has made one friend who he can talk to. He doesn't know many gay guys either, so being able to talk to someone apart from Kurt is nice. He is busy getting ready back stage, Sebastian agreeing to step in at the last minute for someone from the chorus that has suddenly been taken ill. Blaine will meet Kurt after the performance but he can't help but sneak a peek through the red velvet curtains at the audience that awaits him. Kurt looks austere as he waits, sitting next to Burt and Carole. His parents are absent as predicted but Blaine doesn't care. Kurt is here and that's all that counts. He momentarily wonders why he looks so serious but then he notices his Maria is waiting nervously for her entrance next to him and he reassures her with a gentle hand squeeze. She looks grateful, smiles at him and swallows as she enters the stage.

Blaine performs brilliantly, showing his true colours and he perfectly shines. Sebastian looks proudly from the wings and although worried about the letter he received Kurt looks amazed at the beauty of his boyfriend up on stage and smiles warmly as he sings.

Blaine bows and accepts the rapturous applause he receives next to Ellie, who plays Maria. Sebastian takes his applause as part of the chorus and laughs with the rest but it is only when most of the cast leave that Burt, Carole and Kurt come back stage to find Blaine taking off his makeup and costume. Kurt practically runs to him, hugs him close and kisses him chastely. Burt and Carole give their congratulatory hugs and agree to wait in the car for the boys. Blaine is staying with Kurt for the weekend in Lima, feeling much more welcome in Burt and Carole's home than his own. Burt looks between the two boys, not sure where the tension in the air has come from but knowing when to give his son the time he needs.

Blaine has realised that Kurt has been serious and apparently on edge all evening, seeing his face in the crowd had him worried before he started his performance. Blaine could tell that Kurt was happy as he watched Blaine perform but he looked nervous now, like he didn't know quite how to act around Blaine. Here Kurt stood and he would normally run to hug him close, desperate to touch him again but he couldn't.

"You were amazing Blaine," Kurt said, travelling slowly closer, itching to touch Blaine too.

"Thanks," Blaine said, whispering shyly, "Is anything wrong? I wasn't sure if you liked my performance…" His voice trailed away, not sure what he was trying to say, aware that he was basing it all only on a feeling.

Kurt looked carefully at Blaine. He looked so lost and Kurt instantly felt foolish.

"Where's Sebastian?"

Blaine was surprised at the sudden change of topic and his eyes widened in sudden realisation.

"I think he's gone to an after party," Blaine said shrugging, "Why?"

Kurt sat on the stage suddenly tired, like he'd run out of steam. He had come to Columbus so determined to find out what was happening with Blaine and Sebastian, the references in the letters and phone calls worrying him. He looked to Blaine who sat beside him on the stage now, so sincere, so worried about Kurt that he couldn't take it any longer. Kurt hugged him close from his sideways position, resting his head on his shoulder and revelling in the warm presence of his boyfriend. They didn't speak for several minutes but Blaine kissed his hair and came closer.

"Is Sebastian your new friend? What's he like?" Kurt asked timidly.

"He's a bit annoying actually," Blaine said laughing, "Full of himself and conceited but it's been nice to have a friend with the same hobbies. He likes to sing and he's gay too."

"I know Blaine," Kurt said, still not looking at his boyfriend, "He's attractive, I saw him in the chorus."

Blaine sat apart from Kurt, forcing him to sit up too and face him.

"You think he's attractive?" Blaine asked.

"No, I just thought you might."

"He's ok I guess, not really my type," Blaine said, shrugging his shoulders, like he'd never even thought about it and Kurt looked at him and suddenly smiled. His peals of laughter rang out across the stage and Blaine looked at him as if he had gone mad.

"I'm sorry Blaine," he said, barely containing his laughter even now, "You just don't know how long I've been worrying and throughout the journey here I thought you must be interested in him and now you say you've not even thought about it! God I'm an idiot…."

Blaine looked worried that Kurt had thought such a thing but as Kurt's laughter continued he couldn't help but smile too. The thought of Kurt worrying about such a thing made him doubt that he was trusted but he thought back to his most recent letter and tried to imagine how Kurt might have read something differently.

"You were worried?"

"Hey no, not worried, I completely trust you, I guess I just got myself worked up after your letter. I was jealous," he said sheepishly, "I mean you were suddenly writing all about someone else, I worried you were forgetting me and enjoying your life without me. Gosh I sound like such a jealous idiot. Honestly Blaine, its fine, I completely trust you."

Blaine held Kurt's hand. The thought that Kurt was jealous caused his stomach to stir and he suddenly felt a little bit happy that his boyfriend felt like that. He had missed him so much and he had convinced himself that the importance of their relationship was all in his head too. He felt sure that Kurt was enjoying his time in New York without him and the sudden mention of Adam and the show choir had him worried too.

"What about Adam? Is he gay?"

Kurt's eyes widened. "Oh god Blaine, he is but there is nothing going on there, I promise," Kurt said adamantly. Blaine smiled at the reassurance and suddenly stood, stretching out his hand for Kurt to take.

"We have wasted enough time with petty jealous and stupidity," he said smiling the biggest smile, "We only have one weekend; we need to enjoy it properly." Blaine pulled Kurt to him as he stood, grasping him in a tight hug and Kurt seemed to sink in his arms, feeling stupid but oh so happy.

Dear Kurt,

This weekend was truly magical and I'm really glad you could make it to see a performance. I feel like I should get that generous person at NYADA flowers just to say thank you for bringing you to me.

The musical finishes this week and then I will feel a bit despondent I think, not sure how to fill my hours without you. I think we should definitely hate-watch Treme together! Glee club is open for auditions now for sectionals and I'm thinking of singing a Queen song. Sebastian thinks I don't have the stamina or diva qualities for one of Freddie's songs but I'm determined to prove him wrong. He's joined Glee now but I know the others are weary of him. Ellie is sweet (she played Maria) and we went for coffee before class this morning too. I feel more settled here now but part of me wonders why I put the effort in just for a year. I like it here but it's not New York, it doesn't have you.

Just two weeks until thanksgiving now and I'm counting down the days again. I know I won't be able to spend the actual day with you but the weekend will be really special. I can never really tell you what home is like when you ring but in a letter I know that it's easier and no one will see. My mum actually spent the day in bed today, no dinner for my dad and I think it only just occurred to him how much he relies on her. He tried to cobble some kind of dinner together but it really didn't work. He tried to engage in conversation at the dinner table and I really did try to ask him about work but it was so pathetic. We sat there eating silently in the end until he mumbled something about case work and went back to his office.

The thing that worried me the most was my mum. I knocked on her door, after my dad couldn't really tell what was wrong, but she didn't answer. I entered slowly but the room was surrounded in such darkness all I could see was a figure in the bed. I asked if she was ok but there was no answer. I don't really know what to do. Whenever I ask my dad about it, he just says she's ill and will be up on her feet in no time. He avoids my eyes when he talks to me and spends all his time in his office, which is nothing new. I worry about her, I know something is off.

I'll skype tonight and won't be able to really say much but I love how I can always express myself in these letters. I try to talk to my dad about you and he knows that I intend to see you over thanksgiving weekend but he gives me this look, like he's a bit disappointed in me every time I mention it. I hope you can tell from my face when we skype that I love you so very much. I hope you know in your heart, if I can't express it so well to your face because my dad might hear, that you mean everything to me. There will be a time when we can act freely and I can't wait.

Love you most, love you only,

Love Blaine xx