Chapter 19

They go out for a celebratory dinner that night at Breadsticks with Burt, Carole and Finn who is sitting sadly contemplating his future now that things have changed. Burt assures him he can have a pivotal role in his company, practically managing it as Burt lessens his hours and he reminds him he can use this time to reassess his dreams, think about what he really wants to do. Finn just feels the failure looming over him as Kurt celebrates his success and can't help but smile widely at the thought that his dreams are coming true.

Blaine smiles for Kurt, joins in with the discussion of places to live, things to do once Kurt gets to New York, he seems happy for Kurt and he is but it is only when conversation is focused solely on Kurt that Blaine can reflect on what this means now, what it signifies for them.

It is now certain that Blaine will move to Columbus with his family, just like he moved at the beginning of the school year from Westerville and Blaine is accepting of this, understands that this is his life now – moving and changing and he needs to adapt. He never did find it easy to make lasting friends and this is perhaps the reason. He hopes that his senior year will be the last year of change, then he can go to New York with Kurt and live with his future in mind.

Blaine knows what they have said to each other, knows that they'll try the long distance thing but he also knows it will be the hardest thing he will ever have to do. He has changed places so many times he knows that he should never have got attached to Lima, should never have met someone that could change his life so drastically because now he knows what it is to love and never want to leave; now he can't bear the thought of life without him. He knows he was a shell of a man before Kurt, now he will return to that once he has left.

He doesn't say these things as they celebrate Kurt's success, he doesn't mention it when they are preparing to say goodbye to each other over the summer or when Blaine and his family start to pack up their belongings to move to Columbus. Kurt visits New York at the end of the summer with Burt and Carole, as Blaine moves to his new house and nothing is said about their future, it is just assumed they will be but it feels like the end to Blaine. Kurt is to move in with Rachel, while Finn finds himself in the army and Blaine is happy his life is starting while Blaine has to start again in a place he doesn't belong and doesn't want to be. Blaine is allowed to visit Kurt for his first weekend in New York, a way to say goodbye until the next time and Blaine can't help but feel it is a way to end it in the kindest way possible, so Kurt can get on with his life, now it is starting again. Kurt, having already been in New York for a week, meets Blaine at the airport and runs to him, almost knocking him down and causing an 'oomph' to escape Blaine's chest as he is squeezed tight, Kurt not letting go for several minutes.

"I missed you so much," Kurt whispers in Blaine's ear and Blaine can hear the hitch in his breathing, the barely contained sob and it is the first time that Blaine realises how hard this will be and not just for him. As they part, Blaine notices tears in Kurt's eyes at seeing him again, the smile on his face and Blaine smiles in the knowledge that Kurt loves him, has missed him this week, just as much as Blaine missed him.

"It's only been a week," Blaine says sadly and he imagines how hard this year will be if they couldn't even go a week without each other. They walk to a coffee shop near the airport and sit with their coffees, just like the Lima Bean and they warm their hands on the comforting cups, with the steam hitting their noses.

"I don't know if I can do this Kurt," Blaine admits, and Kurt's eyes are wide at the thought that he is ending it and he can't bear it.

"No we can do this," Kurt says confidently, never wanting to give up, never wanting to say goodbye. Blaine looks at him, already grown up and living his dream after only a week in New York, and smiles. He knows he's been pathetic, knows he can do this as long as Kurt believes they can do this too and he holds his hand warmly.

"I love you," Blaine says warmly, "And I will always love you, I just worry that I won't make it on my own."

Kurt looks at Blaine, small and worried and squeezes his hand tighter.

"Yes you can do this Blaine, you don't need me to live your life for you. We'll write, we'll skype and it's not the end, I refuse to be defeated by a few miles. We'll visit as often as we can and I know that it'll be tough but we're here now, together and I don't want to waste our time here."

Blaine nods, reaching a conclusion of his own. Kurt looks so sincere opposite him, so wide eyed with the dawn of his life rising in the blue of his irises that he knows Kurt wants this too and he has never felt more loved.

As Blaine helps Rachel and Kurt settle into their new place and Blaine and Kurt visit Time Square and sing 'New York, New York', they decide to try the piano bar they've heard about on the NYADA blogs: Callbacks. Rachel sings 'New York State of Mind' to a great applause which helps her settle in a place where she never thought she'd be alone. Blaine asks to sing and as he settles himself at the piano and looks to Kurt who smiles warmly at him as Blaine dedicates the song to the man he loves, the man of his dreams, he knows he can do this, he can live his life for the man sat opposite him.

Just another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
No I never imagine that my path would lead to you
A look in your eyes as they met mine
Seem to say we're the same
In so many ways
Though we're worlds apart
I will promise you

I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

There are so many reasons to keep us apart
But it won't stop me losing
My mind or my heart
What would I give
To touch your hand
Oh just feel your skin
I'd breathe you in
Could this ever be
You'll be next to me

No I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

I know myself so well
But I've never been here before
You're just out of my reach
But I will be here
Of that you can be sure
Can be sure

It's another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
I can only imagine that I'm walking with you
I realise if you were mine
We may fall apart
Oh you'd have my heart
There's too many things between you and me

No I won't let you down

Blaine had noticed the tears pouring down Kurt's face as he sang and as he walks back to him, they hug closely, a few people whooping, loving a good romance.

"I'm never saying goodbye to you," Kurt whispers, still hugging Blaine close, not wanting to let him go.

"I'll never say goodbye," Blaine says, "I'll never let you down Kurt." And Blaine knows this is the one truth he will always stick to, the one promise he can never break.

xXx

They excuse themselves quite quickly afterwards and Rachel seems to recognise the importance of the situation and only wishes Finn was here and she didn't feel so alone. She guesses the boys' plans and agrees to stay out late, already making a friend or two in the crowd of students and feeling less friendless.

It is slow as they undress each other when they get back to the apartment, the weight of the moment so clear as they lovingly take off shirts, undo belts and caress soft skin. Blaine touches reverently, finally understanding what all the songs are on about, how special he knows this night will be. Blaine has missed this, missed these touches and he doesn't know when he'll get the chance again, he doesn't want to miss a single thing. Kurt sighs as he feels Blaine touch his shoulders and chest and a gasp escapes as Blaine kisses along his jaw and neck. He has never felt more loved and cherished.

They make their way to the bed where they lie next to each and kiss slowly, savouring each moment. They get closer and Kurt can feel just how much Blaine needs him as his kisses become more and Blaine needs and desperately clings to Kurt as their kisses become fervent. He maps Kurt's mouth with his tongue, wanting to remember everything about him, even his most treasured and private places and soon Kurt is a writhing mess beneath him, desperate and clinging to Blaine closer, closer.

They never discussed who would be the top or the bottom, never wanting to define each other like that but Kurt asks, begs to be taken and Blaine digs in his bag for his lube and condoms as Kurt continues to lie back and close his eyes at what he knows will come next.

Blaine lovingly prepares him, opening him, taking care of him until Kurt is desperate for the next level, begging Blaine for more of him. Blaine lies over Kurt and places his legs over his shoulders, kissing him sweetly, already coming undone at the sight of bliss and love on Kurt's face. He enters slowly, anxious not to cause any pain and although it stings, Kurt is too close to care, so fraught for more that he continues to beg. Blaine starts up a slow rhythm but after a while he has to still his thrusts, already too close, Kurt feeling so tight and wonderful around him. He knows this is it, completeness and feeling whole and he never wants to leave. They continue after a while, after Blaine kisses Kurt beneath him, tears in his eyes at the closeness, how he belongs right here and knows he will have to leave the following night.

Blaine starts to stroke Kurt slowly in time with his thrusts and Kurt soon warns Blaine it is too much, that he doesn't want it to end as he comes in shoots across his chest. A few seconds later Blaine comes too, scrunching his eyes closed in pleasure but wanting to see Kurt as he comes, opening them quickly. It is over too swiftly and Blaine can't let him go, just clings until the drying come between them becomes icky. Blaine removes himself as Kurt gets a cloth to wash them. Upon his return he sees Blaine curled in the bed, silent tears trickle down his face and he reaches out to him, knowing how he feels and starting to become overwhelmed himself. He brushes Blaine's tears away and cleans him and they lie together, no words said, just gentle stroking of skin and circular patterns and soft kisses.

xXx

Dear Kurt,

It feels strange writing to you when you are so far away but letters were meant for distance. I think we were lucky before, knowing our letters would be read that day, as we placed them in secret places. I know you won't get this for a few days, know that you'll read this, understand how I feel in this moment but the moment will be gone and more will have come in its wake.

I loved this weekend and I never wanted it to end but that doesn't need saying. I can't wait to see you again, I miss you already, I missed you when I got on that flight but knew it was too early to text or call, I knew you would be living your New York dream.

I don't think I've said enough how proud I am of you, how you set your sights on New York, on NYADA and you achieved it with hard work and determination. You make me want to be a better person, you make me want to try harder. I always knew this would be hard but I'll try for you and never let go.

Columbus isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have made friends and joined my school's glee club. I knew singing was a great ice breaker and I know now that I can do it well. We have our sectionals coming up and we hope to win. They have given me a solo and I'm nervous but I know I can do it. They also have a musical here and I can't wait to audition. It's West Side Story just like in your senior year and this time I think I'll audition for Tony. I know I can do it and I want to feel that I stretched myself this year and went out of my comfort zone.

My dad is working harder than ever and my mum, just like predicted has slipped into her depression at feeling useless and unappreciated. She hasn't made as many friends as she hoped and I know she feels lonely. I try my best but I know I'm not what she needs and where she once used to support me and help, I can never be good enough. My dad has now made partner which was his goal but he doesn't seem to be any happier. He rarely talks to me and I suppose I don't really miss what I never had before.

I do miss you though, more than anything. I can't wait to see you in three weeks time and you coming for Thanksgiving will be the best holiday treat. I hope you love New York and NYADA and that Rachel doesn't get too lonely without Finn. Is she difficult to live with? I know you can't say anything in your phone conversations!

Love you most, love you only,

Love Blaine xx