Chapter 5

Kurt opened his locker early the next morning, already anticipating a letter from Blaine, who had looked so lonely on the sidelines, so detached at the party, that though Kurt had tried to engage him in conversation and offer warm smiles, he had remained distant.

The letter was on white paper and had been written this time in coloured pencils, each word a different colour. Kurt could only smile when he saw it, already feeling his day could only go well. Blaine hadn't arrived to school yet so Kurt read the letter eagerly but as he read on, his heart swooped in pain that Blaine would feel like that, so lonely, so inconsequential. As he read the last line, his breath hitched and a tear appeared in his eye:

"I realised something tonight Kurt. I think I'm falling in love with you and it pains me to think you know nothing about me."

Gosh, Kurt wanted so much to really get to know Blaine and wanted the beautiful boy to feel loved and really known. Kurt couldn't believe that someone could feel that way towards him. What did Blaine see in him that was so special? Why did he write to him? But he was determined to make Blaine feel that special, no longer alone but someone important and worthy.

Blaine text him later that morning to ask if they were still on to practice their duet at lunchtime and Kurt replied to meet in the auditorium, a plan already hatching in his mind. Kurt passed Santana in the hallway and let her know that Blaine was now dueting with him later on in glee club.

"Oh what?!" Santana backtracked up the corridor and faced Kurt menacingly close.

"I don't think so Hummel."

"It's already been decided Santana, Blaine would rather duet with me."

"That's not what he said yesterday, he looked pretty eager to me." A smirk played on her lips.

"He was scared; you are scary, end of discussion." Kurt walked away and Santana only growled in annoyance.

Blaine was the first to arrive in the auditorium and he sat twinkling on the piano as he waited for Kurt, lost in the music and not aware of anything else, including Kurt who had started to approach down the steps of the auditorium. He walked slowly, listening carefully to the beautiful music Blaine played and tears appeared in his eyes again for the second time that day, as he realised Blaine was beautiful sitting there. His hair was gelled only slightly today so waves could be seen in his dark hair and his eyelashes fanned his cheeks as he looked down at the keys. Kurt recognised the music as he got ever closer to Blaine, sitting there so calmly, so at peace with the world. Kurt wanted everyone to be able to see this Blaine.

"I know that song," Kurt whispered as he approached ever closer, Blaine looked up quickly, then smiled, only showing a slight hesitation in his piano playing. "It's Falling Slowly, isn't it?"

"Yes," Blaine said, "I love this song." He continued to play as Kurt sat facing Blaine on a nearby stool next to the piano and watched. Blaine concentrated on the keys and Kurt felt himself get lost in the music and start to sing softly, as he closed his eyes.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

Kurt opened his eyes as the music finished playing to see Blaine looking at him so intently, his eyes glazed with tears and Kurt smiled.

"That was beautiful…" Blaine breathed.

"You play so well Blaine, why don't you play for glee club? You're amazing."

Blaine blushed and looked at his fingers still on the keys and shrugged his shoulders.

"I love to play but think I would be too self-conscious in front of other people. I can get lost in the music for hours at a time at home."

"Well I'm glad I could hear it." Kurt smiled warmly, "Shall we practice our duet?"

"Yeah," Blaine smiled too, "Did you have any ideas?"

"Yes, I'm not sure if you'll know it though," Kurt said, getting up to get his sheet music. "It's an Atomic Kitten song, so it's a few years old and only really known in England but I loved them when I was eight. My mum would play this song on the piano so I actually have the piano music for it." He gave it tentatively to Blaine, embarrassed to be showing a part of himself to Blaine.

Blaine started playing it softly, slowly and after practicing a few times he seemed to get the hang of it really well. He read the lyrics, mouthing them to himself and looked up at Kurt.

"It's a great song, beautiful lyrics," Blaine said, looking carefully at Kurt. Perhaps Kurt hadn't been as subtle as he had hoped but Blaine only looked at him, trying to make him out.

He played again, this time Kurt joined in with his voice, singing softly, facing away from Blaine.

Don't let your head rule your heart
Don't let your world be torn apart
Don't keep it all to yourself
Just let all your emotions run free
With someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me

Kurt suddenly turned to face Blaine and he looked up, though he continued to play.

I know it's hard when you're feeling down
To lift your feet apart from the ground
We make mistakes
But doesn't everybody
You don't always have to agree
With someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me

We know the story so far (what you want and who you are)
What you want and who you are (please)
Let all your emotions run free
You don't always have to agree
With someone like me
But that's the way it should be
Someone like me
Someone like me

Blaine had joined in with the last verse, staring intently at Kurt and he looked so sincere Kurt wanted to hug him close. As he finished playing Kurt smiled warmly, trying to encourage him, hoping he didn't scare him off.

"That was beautiful Kurt," Blaine said softly, "Maybe I should just play."

"No, Blaine that needs to be sung, just like that. You should join in with the last verse. You have a great voice."

"Do you really think so?" he asked quietly.

"No doubt in my mind, we're going to win." Blaine's smile became wider.

"And Santana won't mind?"

"Oh she'll mind but that's because she'll be fiercely jealous that I get to perform with a beautiful singer and someone that can play so well." Kurt turned to gather his sheet music and didn't notice the confused expression on Blaine's face when he had called him 'beautiful'. Kurt hadn't meant it like that, Blaine was sure, he had meant that he was a good singer that was all, wasn't it?

"We'll knock them dead," Kurt was saying, "See you later at glee club?"

"Yeah, yeah definitely," Blaine said, broken out of his reverie.

xXx

Kurt and Blaine did sing well at glee club, like Kurt had predicted and only Santana scowled as they got a standing ovation. Kurt hugged Blaine close as they received the praise and squeezed his shoulders, smiling widely.

"Well done Blaine," he whispered, near his ear and Blaine's heart skipped a beat. He had never been happier.

Dear Kurt,

I got to do something amazing today but I can't tell you what it is as it will reveal who I am and I'm not quite ready for that. Just let me say that what I did felt wonderful and I don't think anything can ever come close to that feeling.

I felt like I could soar and the only way to describe is it the feeling I have when I look at you. I look at you and know that I can do anything, you make me want to believe more in myself Kurt and I am really grateful for that feeling.

It reminds me of what I felt with my friend Michael so long ago in middle school, which seems so long ago now and it pains me to remember it but then I think to myself that I always remember it, it's always there in the back of my mind and its silly to think that it ever leaves me.

All my decisions, all my reticence comes from Michael, all my worry and fear, that really it should have been the first of the many secrets I told you as it reveals so much about me. Perhaps that is why I didn't want to write about it before.

Michael was my best friend from sixth to eighth grade and we were inseparable. We liked the same geeky things and both played musical instruments and had braces. We both knew we were social outcasts but as long as we had each other it didn't matter. Michael was the first person I told that I was gay and he didn't mind, in fact I knew he wouldn't because he told me that he was gay first. It seemed we were more alike than I thought. He was my first kiss, not because we fancied each other but because we trusted each other and wanted to know what it was like, how it would feel. I'm glad now that I could share that with him.

His parents didn't support him like they should when he came out, they were disgusted, said he was a disgrace. He would hide out in my room when arguments got bad and we would talk for hours on the phone, trying to make it better. It didn't get any better but I didn't know what to do. I was so stupid and naïve.

Things got worse. His parents would argue about him at home, his dad saying disgusting things about him, accusing him of doing immoral stuff with me and then he started getting bullied at school. I would get names shouted at me but nothing I couldn't brush off but Michael was taunted endlessly and thrown against lockers. I stood by him and he tried to explain to teachers what was happening, it only got worse.

I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance as a friend, both of us determined not to let them win but as we were waiting for my dad to pick us up, these guys came and beat the living daylights out of us. Michael ended up in hospital and I got a few bruises and a black eye. I know I've mentioned this before Kurt but I couldn't reveal all before. It was the beginning of the end for Michael.

I think he was being told at home that he was immoral, would go to hell and to have bullies taunt him for the same reason, guys beat us up for being gay, I think he could see no way out. He must have thought it would only stay the same as he got older, so he took his own life, his father discovering his lifeless body hanging from his light fixing.

It was terrible Kurt, the aftermath. I went to his funeral, everyone looking at me as if I had helped to kill him, as if I should have gone instead or at least with him. He was another sad story in the newspapers, nothing about his sexuality being mentioned, a request made by his father.

I still miss him terribly and I really hope he is somewhere peaceful. I may act sad sometimes but I hope I never seriously want to kill myself. I have thought about it before but I could never do it, I would never have the courage and I want to feel better about myself.

I know I don't have it as bad as you Kurt, I know the bullies don't get to me, like they do to you so I wanted to tell you the story so you would never give up, so you won't let them win. I think you're amazing Kurt for being so courageous and wish I was that brave.

Maybe one day I'll come out of the closet here and declare that I like a guy named Kurt and no one will care. But I'm not quite ready for that yet.

Thanks for reading and being my inspiration Kurt. Thanks for making me feel special today.

Love X