Blaine woke up the following morning to a strip of light hitting his face, causing him to blink. His arm was around something warm and solid and as his eyes went into focus, he realised it was Kurt, who lay sprawled on his chest. They had managed to fall asleep during the film, Blaine practically sitting upright, his head to one side, whilst Kurt laid tucked into Blaine's side, his legs up on the couch. Blaine needed to move, his neck already letting him know he was in a painful position but Kurt huffed out small puffs of air on his chest and sounded so peaceful Blaine didn't want to disturb him. He had guessed Kurt hadn't slept well over the last few weeks and reaching such a decision the day before must have taken its toll on his best friend. Blaine could lie still for a few more minutes.

Blaine hadn't really thought of the consequences when Kurt had called him the day before. He knew Kurt needed him and it was easy to do what he could to help. Elliot was currently on a business trip and wouldn't be back for a few days. Their relationship was so casual that he wasn't even sure if Elliot would let him know when he returned. They seemed to flit in and out of each other's lives whenever they were needed and it had seemed to suit Blaine. Blaine sometimes worried he had become so emotionally detached that he was now incapable of a long term, stable relationship and Elliot was so busy with work that he never demanded more from Blaine than he was able to give. Blaine of course hadn't seen Kurt in the months that Elliot and Blaine had decided to be exclusive and there was of course never a right moment to explain that he had waited patiently for the love of his life, only to be disappointed. Elliot knew nothing of his friendship with Kurt, his failed relationship in high school, his endless unrequited love and Blaine hoped to keep it that way. But as he lay there, listening to Kurt's breathing and feeling his weight on his chest as it rose and fell with his own breaths, he knew that he would have to offer some explanation why this man was now living with him. He was worried that their interaction would give him away and before he woke Kurt gently he decided he would use the time before Elliot returned, to protect his heart, detach himself from Kurt.

"Mmm..." Kurt mumbled as he stirred in Blaine's arms as Blaine shook him gently. Instead of having the desired effect of waking him, Kurt snuck closer to Blaine, squeezing his sides and nuzzling his nose in Blaine's chest.

"Kurt," Blaine said near his ear and Kurt shivered until there was a pause and Blaine could feel his back muscles go taut with tension. Kurt quickly sat up like he'd been burnt, his eyes wide with shock.

"Oh god I'm so sorry Blaine," he said flushing, "I didn't mean to sleep on you, you must have been so uncomfortable."

"No I was fine," Blaine said shrugging and smiling, "You were fine. You looked like you needed a good night sleep and I didn't want to disturb you."

Kurt started to rub his eyes adorably and as he sat up properly Blaine could see his hair sticking up where he had been lying on Blaine. Blaine couldn't help but smile, and then he got up, put the coffee machine on and distanced himself physically from him. Kurt followed asking permission to look through his cupboards to prepare breakfast.

"You don't have to ask Kurt, you're more than welcome here. This is your home now, for as long as you need. Help yourself."

"I just wanted to make you breakfast, I really appreciate you letting me stay Blaine, but I'll start looking for a place today. I won't be in your hair for long." Kurt started busying himself starting to make pancakes with the ingredients he had assembled in front of him. He avoided Blaine's gaze and Blaine thought back to the times Kurt was nervous at high school. Whenever something stressful occurred in Kurt's life he would clean or cook and as he lit the hob he could see Kurt's hands start to shake. He watched as he prepared the batter, Blaine making coffee, and as Kurt watched the pancakes cooking in the moulds he had found to make cute shapes, Blaine came over to his side. He stilled the shaking hands and Kurt looked up for the first time since entering the kitchen, his blue eyes big, the colours swirling with tears.

"You can stay as long as you need Kurt," Blaine said quietly and his thumbs rhythmically circled patterns on the hands in his own. Kurt seemed to calm down with Blaine so close and his shoulders relaxed.

"Thanks Blaine," he whispered, his hands remaining in Blaine's until the pancakes needed flipping and Blaine poured the coffee. He looked at Kurt's back as he finished the pancakes and reprimanded himself. What was he doing? How could this man still have any effect over him after all these years? But as he watched Kurt lovingly prepare breakfast plates full of pancakes and pour maple syrup on them just like Blaine liked, he realised he had never experienced anything so domestic and awesome. He felt warm and fuzzy as they sat in silence preparing to eat pancakes and drink their coffee.

"Oh my god Kurt," Blaine exclaimed as he tried his first mouth full, "These are amazing," as he continued to moan around his fork.

Kurt smiled in pleasure, glad that he could do something right and they continued to eat until the pancakes had gone and they were drinking their second cup of coffee, the smell wafting around the kitchen.

"Have you told Elliot that I'm staying?" Kurt asked after a while. He looked awkward and nervous at mentioning the boyfriend that he knew nothing about so Blaine smiled reassuringly.

"No, but he's away on a business trip at the moment, so I'll see him in a couple of days. We don't live together." Kurt seemed reassured and nodded.

"I know I've been a crappy friend Blaine, but I intend to change that I really do. Tell me all about him," he said, leaning closer over his mug of coffee, just like they were two teenagers about to engage in gossipy chat about relationships.

"There's not much to tell really," Blaine said nonchalantly, "I met him a few months ago at a club, we hit it off, the rest is history."

"Blaine!" Kurt said indignantly, "That can't be it! What does he do for a living? What's he like? Is he 'the one'?" Kurt's face displayed such a playful expression of glee and cheekiness that Blaine wanted to run and hide. How could he not know after all these years? Blaine had forgotten about the idea of soulmates when he had witnessed his get married to someone else.

"He's a marketing director actually, I think he secretly loves his job but he always moans about how busy he is."

"So is it love?" Kurt asked.

"Oh I don't know," Blaine said, avoiding Kurt's gaze, "I like spending time with him but we don't spend an awful lot of time together. We seem to suit each other I guess."

"How long have you been together?"

"Six months?" Blaine said, as if he really was asking, he hadn't kept the date, they just seemed to fall into a pattern of dating regularly until Blaine assumed they were now exclusive. It suddenly occurred to him, he had no idea if Elliot saw other people but he realised the thought that he might be dating others didn't bother him as much as he thought.

"You really aren't romantic at all are you?" Kurt said laughing and Blaine remembered that conversation they had in the Lima Bean all those years ago. Blaine had spent the rest of their time together trying to show Kurt that he could be romantic – singing to him, making him gifts, loving him. He had wanted to do that for Kurt, to be everything and it all came naturally. Blaine suddenly swallowed at the realisation that he would never want to be romantic to any other guy.

"Blaine, will he mind me staying?" Kurt asked, worrying his bottom lip in his teeth, "I mean I can stay somewhere else if it's a problem."

"No don't be silly Kurt," Blaine said getting up to clean the dishes, "I'll explain when he returns and I'm sure he'll understand. Honestly stay as long as you need."

Kurt still didn't look convinced but they cleaned the dishes and got dressed. Kurt knew he would need to go back to get the rest of his stuff soon but it could wait a few days and they ended up watching another movie and chatting. It was amazing to Blaine how they could go right back to their friendship like before, always sharing what was on their minds, always laughing and feeling understood. Months may have passed but it was a mere dot on the fabric of their friendship and Kurt was grateful for the peace he found here after the loneliness with Adam.

xXx

It was a few days later when Elliot returned and he text Blaine to suggest a dinner date the following night. Blaine was nervous, not letting on to Kurt how worried he was about Elliot's reaction. It wasn't that he thought he'd be angry, it just took Kurt's arrival to make him realise he hardly knew Elliot; he couldn't possibly predict how he would react.

Kurt said he'd go out that night, meet up with Rachel, fill her in on all the happenings and Blaine waited impatiently at the restaurant table, fiddling with his napkin and inadvertently ripping bits off. Elliot arrived ten minutes later, apologetic and sitting opposite Blaine who was surrounded by bits of napkin. Elliot looked at him carefully.

"What's wrong?" he asked simply, settling in his seat after ordering a bottle of wine.

"Oh nothing," Blaine tried to say nonchalantly, gathering the bits of napkin and putting them into his pocket.

"Blaine," Elliot said, wanting to get straight to the point.

"Ok," Blaine started, already starting to fiddle with his knife and fork, "Something happened while you were away and I didn't want you to get the wrong impression or worry about it but I also couldn't really explain over the phone, which is why I haven't rung you about it."

"Ok, shoot," Elliot said as he sipped his wine and perused the menu. He didn't seem bothered, which worried Blaine more.

"I'm not sure if I've mentioned Kurt before?" he asks, knowing full well he has never mentioned Kurt, never breathed his name. Elliot shakes his head as expected. "Well he's my best friend from high school and he got married a few years ago. I was there but we haven't seen each other for months and he rang me a few days ago asking if he could stay. He's divorcing his husband." Elliot looked up at the mention of 'staying' and 'husband' but he just nodded in understanding.

"So he's gay?"

"Yeah, I mean we used to date in high school but that was years ago," Blaine said laughing, trying to make the notion of their relationship sound trivial and ridiculous when it was the complete opposite.

"Ok," Elliot said, his menu now resting open on the table in front of him, his eyes only on Blaine. "What are you trying to tell me Blaine?"

"He's staying until he gets his own place, I just wondered if that was ok with you. I mean he feels awkward but..."

Elliot wasn't stupid and Blaine reeked of nervous energy and worry. He had never seen Blaine like this and reading between the lines he could tell this Kurt meant much more to him than he was willing to admit.

"He was 'it' wasn't he?" Elliot said kindly.

"Uh, what do you mean?" Blaine stuttered, shuffling in his seat.

"He was someone special in high school?"

Blaine knew this was the moment. He could lie, brush off the statement as nonsense but this was his chance to explain to someone, to share his heartbreak. Elliot looked kindly at him, despite not expecting this conversation after a few days away.

"Don't worry Blaine, we never said this was exclusive, you're free to go off. It's ok."

Blaine didn't know what to say. He had spent days worrying about this conversation and of all the scenarios he had imagined, he wasn't expecting this one. He felt hurt that he meant so little to someone that he had been seeing for six months and his mind wandered over the times they had spent together.

"Have you been seeing other people?" Blaine asked.

"God no," Elliot said adamantly, "I just know we never had that discussion and I didn't want you to feel guilty about dumping me for him. You're someone special Blaine, you deserve someone that can give you more than I can, I get that."

"But he's never said he feels anything but friendship for me, I hurt him, years ago but I know he's never really forgiven me. Things can never be what they were."

"What did you do?"

"I cheated," Blaine said, looking down in his lap at his fingers. "He was a freshman at college, working in New York before he got in at NYADA and I was a senior in Ohio. I missed him like crazy but I started realising that we been joined at the hip and then there was nothing. I was lonely and ideas crept to my mind that maybe he wasn't the one for me, maybe we were too young for that. I met someone online and regretted it instantly but it was too late."

"He must have forgiven you if you're still friends."

"Yeah he said he did and we hooked up a few times afterwards but he started seeing his now ex-husband and I kept waiting but then I got tired of waiting for life to begin. I started living again and we only wove in and out of each other's lives sporadically."

"Well why don't you see how things go? Maybe tell him how you feel?"

"Are you serious?" Blaine asked wide eyed, "I can't believe this is how this conversation is going. I thought we were at least exclusive. I like you a lot Elliot, I thought I meant something."

Elliot smiled at him kindly. He was a few years older than Blaine and now looking at the younger man he smiled at his naivety, knowing how life works.

"Blaine I've mentioned before how I don't want to marry and have kids, I know you're not one for casual relationships and you deserve more than a workaholic that just wants a good time. I have been completely faithful to you Blaine but I understand you might need more from life than just me. I really like you too but if you decide Kurt is the one for you, you should take the opportunity for happiness."

"Maybe I need to think about it," Blaine said quietly, pretending to look at the menu.

"Well you do that and get back to me. I'll still be waiting here." Elliot got the waiter's attention so they could order and no more was mentioned of Kurt. They discussed Elliot's trip, his work and Blaine's meeting with the recording executive tomorrow. Blaine realised conversation and sex had always been easy with Elliot, probably because there were never any strings attached and he had liked their casual relationship, it had suited them well. But as he sat there eating opposite Elliot, he realised he had got used to the warm advice and the caring nature of the man. In high school Blaine had been impetuous, determined to be spontaneous and fun but the knock he had received from Kurt after their relationship had ended had him changing into this small and insecure person, never sure of himself and always begging for other's opinions. He realised he had relied on Elliot for so much support over the six months they had been together and he really hoped that even if they finished over this, that their friendship would remain.

xXx

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I have started this again in the hope that the healing and the closure it achieved before would help me some more. There is something about writing online that allows anonymity and clarity of thought and if ever there was a time that was needed...

He is in my life again when I thought he wouldn't be. He is living with me and I see him constantly. He never knows what he does to me, never sees how I struggle but there he is a constant reminder that I am doomed.

I was in a sort of relationship before he arrived again but now that he has returned he has put my mind in turmoil and I keep torturing myself. I need to think clearly, need to know for definite and writing is the only way. It will probably be harder to find time but today whilst he is in the shower singing Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way', I know I need to write rather than imagine what he would be like now in the shower. Drops of water travelling along his pale strong chest, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously as he would hug me closer. God I'm pathetic.

As he sings in the shower I remember how fierce he was performing this song in the auditorium for a glee assignment in high school. He wore a T-shirt proudly declaring he 'likes boys' and as the girls in the club tore open his red chequered shirt and he lifted his 'paws' up just like a gorgeous monster, I remember looking at him from my seat in the empty auditorium, and as he wandered over to me after everyone had gone he looked shy at my expression. I knew I must have been practically drooling over him and he probably felt exposed but he just oozed sex without even realising it. Whenever he tried too hard he would look ridiculous but when he put absolutely no effort in, he was flawless. He looked so confident and fierce on stage, comfortable in his own skin, accepting of himself, that I couldn't help but love him more. He really is amazing.

I remember practically dragging him to my house afterwards and it was the first time we did anything remotely racy. I watched him come undone by my hand and he was so gorgeous, I nearly came with the sounds he made and the expressions on his face. He kept the T-shirt on and I relished making his hair stick up by brushing my hands through it and tugging. God he was gorgeous.

I can still hear him singing now but he has moved on to newer Lady Gaga songs. He sounds so happy in the shower and I'm glad now that he can relax and not worry about his ex-husband. I want him to feel happy and content in his skin again. I hope he realises one day how much he is loved and how much awesome there is in that wonderful body of his.

Blaine puts his laptop away as the water turns off and he starts making coffee, fully aware that Kurt coming out of the shower with just a towel around his waist, his hair all wet and tousled, would be his complete and utter downfall.

He keeps his hands busy until Kurt enters in a sinfully tight pair of jeans with the comfiest looking jumper and smiles. Blaine hands him a coffee and sits down at his piano starting to tinkle, avoiding Kurt's eyes and occasionally sipping his drink. Kurt is watching him carefully, no words spoken until Blaine starts to play a song that Kurt recognises.

He doesn't sing, knowing the words would come out as choked as they did all those years ago at Callbacks before he broke Kurt's heart. He tries to remember the first time he sang the song, when Kurt sneaked into Dalton to spy and bounced happily at watching Blaine ooze confidence. Kurt watches him as he is transported back and the weight of all that has happened between them over the years seems to hang on Blaine's shoulders as he plays. Kurt realises he never did say he was forgiven, though it was endlessly implied in their renewed friendship. As Blaine finishes playing he looks up to see Kurt watching him, his eyes glistening.

"You always sing and play that song beautifully Blaine," he says as he sips his coffee, "So many memories." He smiles, then it falters and Blaine worries what he will say next. "I forgive you Blaine," he says simply, "I did a very long time ago but I thought you might want to hear it." Kurt's voice gets quieter as he wonders how his words will be taken. Blaine only smiles and nods, unable to speak as tears threaten to fall but Kurt knows that what he has said has suddenly made the room lighter and he is glad.