In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

When he first joined my school, Dalton Academy, he really looked the part with his satchel and uniform but upon entering his first Warbler rehearsal and being given Pavarotti, our mascot canary, he quipped and laughed and I knew he would lighten up any room. The Warblers can be kind of stuffy but he was like a breath of fresh air and I couldn't wait to see him more. I knew when he was being bullied that Dalton, with its no harassment policy, would be the best place for him but I didn't want to hope too much. Seeing him there every day at school, made me feel so much lighter and I was so excited to go to school each day, I would get up early and stay later. All in the hope of seeing more of him.

I never knew then that I was falling in love with him, I just knew I wanted to spend time with him, knew he was magical. I know that sounds corny, I know that sounds hopelessly romantic but the friend in me knew he needed someone to support him, where he had had none before.

We spent more and more time together, singing when we could and I loved how his voice was so different from mine, how we complimented each other so well. I knew he struggled at Dalton, knew that he didn't really fit in. We stifled his creativity too much. A uniform is not for the kind of guy that thrives on creating amazing outfits, he needed to shine.

Some of his outfits have been amazing over the years. I can think of shocking ones, where my mouth opened in amazement that anyone had the courage to wear such a thing but admiring him nonetheless. Some outfits were positively sinful – I mean he has these red jeans that just cling in all the right places and don't get me started on those gold pants...

Those outfits were always a reflection of his mood and who he wanted to be that day. Sometimes he would want to look like a sex kitten but others, especially his jumpers made him look cosy and huggable. I loved that he could represent all his sides just by sharing an outfit and he never cared what people thought. He truly is the most unique and interesting person I know.

I knew he missed McKinley and his friends but I tried my hardest to make him feel that Dalton could be a place where he was included and welcome – a place where he could be celebrated as part of a team. He sang 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' as his audition for a solo part at sectionals and displayed all his flair in his performance, raising his hand and looking out the window to mimic Madonna in the film. He truly was magnificent when he sang a number like that and I wanted to let him through but Wes and David felt he needed to understand the concept of being a team player so I had to let him down. Seeing him look so lost at being relegated to a group member made my heart crack a little but I wanted to help him so much.

I think that's what made me hesitate in taking things further for so long. I know he had a tough time at his last school, knew he struggled to shine in a place like Dalton that expected uniformity and I wanted to be the best friend and mentor I could be. It was only when I started to see Jeremiah that I realised I needed something more.

I cringe when I think back to those weeks – I misread the signs so badly. Jeremiah was much older than me and I mistook our coffee chats as dates and thought he might be interested in me. He wasn't but I still convinced myself that this mature man needed serenading at his workplace – Gap. He got fired and I made a complete and utter fool of myself. I had clearly made it all up in my head. What's worse is when I look back at our conversations I know I didn't even want him in that way. I thought he was so sophisticated and mature; really I just liked the idea of him.

My guy revealed later that he had thought I was going to ask him out on Valentine's Day and as we stood in the Lima Bean, where he had declared his feelings, I realised what a fool I'd been. Here he was, someone who I loved spending time with, who was on my level but so awesome in so many ways and I had thrown myself at another guy who would never be interested. I knew then that I couldn't be trusted in the romance department and would need to take things slow with him.

I could always share so much with him – whatever I was worried about and no matter the topic we didn't hold anything back. When he timidly discussed sex and what he thought about it, when he fought about gay rights or when he criticised bisexuality – it was all brought to the forefront of our friendship and I loved that we could share anything. That was a difficult time for me, I questioned a lot about myself but despite his feelings he helped me through it and was really there. I remember one conversation, after I had kissed a girl twice and discovered I was truly gay, he sat in his bedroom, after we had finished homework, and said how he loved our friendship and how special it was to him. He thanked me and I found tears start in my eyes. I wanted to kiss him then as we sat on the bed and I nearly leaned over and did it but he missed the moment and walked off to get us sodas. When he returned, I realised our friendship was too precious to ruin just yet and what I wanted could wait.

It was nearing Christmas time and Blaine hadn't seen Kurt since that coffee when he had declined Kurt's invitation to be his best man. Kurt must have guessed the real reason Blaine didn't want to be involved and he made plans without him. They sent vague texts, checking that they were both ok and explaining busy-ness but Blaine missed Kurt and although the blog posts were helping, he still felt far away from him.

Kurt rang him on a wintery Christmas Eve and Blaine was surprised to hear from him.

"Kurt?" Blaine said, "How are you? It's been ages."

"I'm good thanks, just been really busy with preparations for the wedding and madly auditioning for anything I can get. I have a new part, starting rehearsals next week actually, it's the second male lead, so much more promising. How have you been?"

"Not so bad, still trying to get my voice heard but my EP has been selling quite steadily at my gigs so I'll get there eventually." It already seemed awkward to Blaine and he hated that his once best friend was slipping away. He knew he needed to make more of an effort. If he couldn't accept that Adam and Kurt were getting married then he wasn't worthy of Kurt's friendship. "How's Adam?" he asked, "The plans for the wedding are going well?"

"Yeah, we've booked everything now so just final touches. We've decided on outfits, cake and flowers and have sent out invitations. You'll get yours soon," Kurt whispered the last part, as if he feared the answer.

"Oh I'll definitely be there," Blaine said immediately.

"I thought you had another wedding?"

"Oh I do, so I might have to slip away in the evening," Blaine said, faking a confidence he didn't feel.

"Do you know what we missed this week?" Kurt asked after a pause.

Blaine knew. They had sung together every year since their first time singing Baby its Cold Outside but Blaine hadn't wanted to bring it up. Even last year it had seemed silly to keep the tradition alive now that Kurt was happy with Adam. He should be starting his own traditions but Blaine remembered every time they sang.

"The Christmas duet," Blaine said sadly.

"What are you doing now?" Kurt said excitedly.

"Nothing, why?"

"Meet me," he said, "You know where." And he hung up leaving Blaine wondering what was happening. He quickly counted that they had had seven Christmases, this being their eighth and so many apart, he wasn't sure if there were any songs left. They had repeated 'Let it Snow' last year as New York looked so beautiful and white but Blaine felt himself get excited at the thought of seeing Kurt again. He had missed his best friend and he could make this right again, he knew he could. Songs always seemed to have that gift.

When Blaine got to the ice rink it was packed with couples and teenage girls and he scanned the rink in search of Kurt who suddenly appeared next to the barrier, as he skidded along.

"I think I seem to get worse at this every year," he chuckled, holding on for dear life, "I'm too old."

Blaine laughed as he came closer and indicated that he was going to get his skates on. Kurt followed the same direction but holding onto the outside of the rink.

"Where's Adam?" Blaine asked as he sat and put his skates on.

"He's out with some friends, his old Adam's Apples bunch actually. I think they're carolling somewhere before they go out later for drinks."

"That's nice, why didn't you want to join him? We could have skipped the tradition this one year Kurt," he smiled, "I think we're running out of songs anyway." Blaine walked closer to the entrance of the rink, Kurt still unsteady on his feet but following him.

"I would never miss out on this Blaine," Kurt said, "I realised how important it was when we sang 'White Christmas' here before. We have to do this every year otherwise some things get forgotten. It's kinda sacred to me, like Friday night dinners used to be with my dad when I was home. You don't mind do you?" Kurt looked wide eyed and worried.

"Of course I don't mind Kurt," Blaine said touching his arm gently, "It's always the highlight of my Christmas." And he skated off, leaving Kurt trying to match his speed and failing but they laughed and joked. Blaine tried to show off with fancy moves and spins and when Kurt would go to copy he would end up wobbling and being saved by Blaine. After a while music could be heard from the speaker and Blaine smiled as he recognised a new song – one they had never sung for Christmas before, despite it being a favourite. They twirled and danced around each other as they sang slowly, matching the rhythm of the song and smiling.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Blaine couldn't help but tap Kurt's nose before he flew off again and smirked at the mock surprise on Kurt's face.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe

Help to make the season bright

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

And every mother's child is gonna spy

To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety-two

Although it's been said many times

Many ways, Merry Christmas to you

It seemed every year there was a moment and this year was no different. As the song finished one or the other would lean in teasingly slowly, almost there but not quite. This year Kurt was flirty and Blaine was left wondering what it all meant. Was this just a game they did every year? Did Kurt not realise what he meant to him?

They got hot chocolates as soon as they left the rink and the bells could be heard again, just like that time five years ago, indicating Christmas Day had officially started. Kurt looked to Blaine and smiled, such a contented smile that Blaine knew there was nowhere else he'd rather be and it made him feel like a millionaire. They sat down with their gloved hands warmed around their drinks and watched the skaters in silence.

After a while Kurt broke the calm and when Blaine turned to look at him he suddenly became engrossed in the top of his hot chocolate.

"I've missed this Blaine," Kurt said, "Our singing, our friendship – we should meet up more often, I definitely don't see you enough." He looked up at him with wide eyes, trying to fathom why that might be so until Blaine spoke.

"I know Kurt, I'm sorry," Blaine said, "That's going to change now, I promise." He looked so sure and as he held out his pinky to promise solemnly, Kurt smiled. He was just glad Blaine had returned from wherever he had been and he hoped he wouldn't leave his life anytime soon.

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

Christmas – such a time of family and festivities, presents and too much food but to me that word has always meant him. We have sung together so many times but Christmas times are always my favourite memories and I know no matter the status of our relationship, we would always come together again to sing.

This year I am spending the holidays alone. My parents have decided to take the dream holiday to the Caribbean that they have always wanted to do and although I was invited to spend the time with Cooper, part of me just wanted to wallow in misery. I'm meeting friends tomorrow but today is for reminiscing and writing and it has helped, even just slightly.

That first Christmas duet – Baby its Cold Outside was just so playful and perfect, I can only smile when I remember how coy and cute he was. We flirted, pouted and played against each other and he played the part so beautifully I was convinced that nothing would crack that exterior and it was all just an act. Luckily by the time the following Christmas came along we were together and it was an awesome Christmas. We sang for a TV show and he played his part so beautifully again. I gave him a ring made of wrappers and some promises that I didn't keep and that will always be the worst thing I've ever done. I remember that look of utter love and adoration on his face when he heard all my promises and I will never break any of them. I know I haven't loved him perfectly and I've made some terrible mistakes but I will always make sure I fulfil every single promise.

By the next Christmas we were no longer together. Part of me can't even write this down but I know I need to. What I did will have to be recorded another time but I at least was back in Kurt's life by that Christmas. We sang White Christmas on the same ice rink as this year and I promised that I would always be there for him, no matter what. That is another promise I have to keep.

Blaine sent the usual New Year text as soon as midnight struck to all his friends and family but a special personal one for Kurt who replied that 'they' would love to have Blaine over for dinner sometime this week if he could make it. Blaine knew he had to make more of an effort, knew he had been distant but the thought of seeing 'them' together, happily planning a wedding would be a little too much. When he thought about it Adam wasn't such a bad guy, any guy would be a bad guy but Blaine had made a promise and it would be a perfect excuse to make sure he kept up another one.

Blaine arrived at their apartment carrying a plate of cookies and as soon as Kurt's eyes alighted on them, he beamed.

"Cookies!" he exclaimed, "Perfect, we don't have dessert and were hoping you had brought something."

Blaine smiled, glad he could help but secretly hoping that Kurt knew the real reason for bringing them. He looked around the apartment and he soon saw Adam in the open plan kitchen heating something at the stove.

"Hi Blaine, dinner will be ready soon," he said smiling. Even here with his fiancé's ex-boyfriend he could still be cheerful and he started to wonder what it would take to wipe the smile away. Blaine sat down at the sofa as Kurt took his cookies into the kitchen and brought Blaine a drink.

"So how was Christmas?" Kurt asked conversationally.

"It was ok, thanks," Blaine said shrugging noncommittally.

"How was family?"

"They went away this year so just me."

"Just you?" Kurt exclaimed, "Blaine, you spent Christmas alone?" Kurt's eyes were so wide with concern, Blaine felt a little better that he mattered to Kurt in this way.

"I wasn't alone, I spent Christmas Eve with you," Blaine smiled. That had been the highlight by far.

"That doesn't count Blaine," Kurt said reprimanding him, "You should have said, we just ended up eating too much turkey and eating it for days afterwards. You could have come round."

"I saw friends in the days after and New Years was good. Don't worry about me Kurt, I was fine."

Kurt didn't want to mention it anymore, conscious that Blaine wanted his independence and would hate that Kurt had worried.

"Do you want to see the outfits I designed for our wedding day?" Kurt said, suddenly excited at the prospect of showing someone else. Blaine heard 'our wedding day' and instantly wondered what it would be like to plan their wedding, just like they had planned in high school. He acted the part as Kurt showed all his sketches and the fabric he had samples of. Kurt was so happy and although it wasn't what Blaine hoped for, he couldn't help but feel his stomach go fuzzy that Kurt was indeed happy and living his life to the full.

Dinner was soon ready and conversation shared. They caught up on each other's news and gossip, the new production Kurt was involved in and the many gigs Blaine had managed to secure. Adam was happy taking more of a back seat on Broadway, now starting to find more roles as stage director or assistant and enjoying it just as much as he had loved performing. Blaine admired how his dreams had changed and he had rolled with it all. Blaine knew Kurt loved flair but actually craved stability and comfort more frequently.

It was as they ate Blaine's cookies that Adam suddenly asked the question that Kurt hadn't thought about in quite a while.

"Why cookies Blaine? I didn't see you as the baking kind; I thought you would have bought dessert."

Blaine suddenly looked to Kurt, searching his face for some understanding and Blaine had the privilege of watching it unfold over Kurt's face. It was obviously the first time that Kurt had remembered the promise, the first time he had thought back to those days in quite a while and Blaine didn't know how to broach a subject that was so personal to them in front of Kurt's fiancé.

"Oh it was a promise I made to Kurt, years ago now, and I never want to break it," Blaine said, avoiding both Adam and Kurt's gaze and started munching on another cookie that had found itself on his plate. He tried to sound nonchalant but Adam knew the importance of the gesture, could see how much it still meant to Kurt and he couldn't look anymore. He busied himself with cleaning the dinner plates and Kurt found himself leaning on his hand as he finished his cookie, leaning closer to Blaine. He couldn't believe Blaine had remembered after all these years and images of all the cookies Blaine had brought over during the five years they had been apart, whizzed through Kurt's mind. He had just thought Blaine liked baking cookies and the knowledge that Blaine had never broken any of his promises to him, that special Christmas, made Kurt want to cry. He whispered thank you so quietly that only Blaine could hear, and Blaine felt the hairs on his neck stand up at the proximity and the sadness that so much was lost between them. Then Kurt blinked, sat back slightly and the moment was gone. Kurt, realising that Adam had started to pack away dinner, stood to help, re-establishing his place next to Adam and Blaine was left there, sitting at the table with a few cookies in front of him.