Life continues - its constant ebb and flow - where Blaine waits patiently, spends time with Kurt alone or often with Finn, Rachel and Adam as a group. He has his own friends and although he decided against getting a roommate, he is rarely alone, constantly going out or to work; rehearsals and classes keep him busy. It is easy for Blaine to shine here, his dapper charm and good looks have the guys and gals flocking to him and his popular voice, although not perhaps as unique as Kurt, has recording contract all over it. Blaine fits in easily.

He works hard, knowing that determination and effort are the main keys to success and there are weeks where he doesn't see Kurt, but their lives continue and they are always close. They keep in touch through text and Blaine can tell when Kurt misses him because he suddenly appears at the coffee shop, knowing Blaine is working, and orders coffee as if it was coincidental that he was in the neighbourhood. Blaine watches Kurt mature and change into the man he knew he always would be – confident, super talented and striking and it seems an age passes when Kurt is suddenly graduating.

Adam and Kurt have been living together since Adam graduated a couple of years ago and had managed to secure work in television. He started off small, working in theatre too, though less musical productions and more plays. Rachel and Finn often have dinners where all glee members that found their way to New York eventually laugh and argue over pasta, reminiscing about their golden glee club and catching up on news. Blaine loves these evenings when Kurt comes alive and laughs and sings with the rest, Adam trying his best to add his own anecdotes but not quite fitting in. It is as he sitting listening to Santana retell the story of Finn losing his virginity to death stares from Rachel and awkward glances from everyone else, that Blaine sits and watches Adam and Kurt sit together on the sofa. Kurt is far from nervous when Blaine and Adam are in the same room now, almost coming to the conclusion that Blaine has dealt with it and they can all be best friends together, with no concerns. Kurt has curled into Adam, like he used to with Blaine, hardly noticing the easy way they are together. Blaine knows this is usual behaviour, they have become so attuned to each other, they barely realise they have locked arms and legs, it is just somehow natural. Blaine feels only a sharp pang and his attention is suddenly drawn to Santana.

"So hobbit, are you getting any?"

"W-what?" Blaine stutters and instantly flushes, causing Santana to shake her head sadly in understanding.

"Oh you have got to get on that," she says in her usual cutting manner and Kurt looks at Adam nervously, feeling sorry for Blaine. Blaine looks around the room at the pitying expressions and realises he is the only one not in a couple. They have all found their soulmates or returned to them, why hasn't Kurt? For Blaine knows they belong together but now as he looks at Kurt quickly he realises Adam has been with Kurt far longer than Blaine and everyone assumes that Kurt has found the love of his life, that high school was just a blip.

But it wasn't a blip for Blaine and Blaine suddenly wants to run, to get out of there quickly. He doesn't want to make a scene so he excuses himself to go to the bathroom instead and finds himself running his hair through his lightly gelled hair and sighing. Tears well in his eyes, tears that he never lets fall, always ploughing on with life, always prepared to do his best and never fail. Just sometimes it all gets too much. He is just about to prepare himself to go back into the room with the others when he hears a gentle knock on the door.

"Blaine? Are you in here?" Kurt - gorgeous Kurt who still cares. Blaine finds his heart break a little more.

"Yeah, nearly out, sorry."

But as Blaine tentatively opens the door, Kurt pushes forward slightly, forcing Blaine back in the bathroom.

"Kurt, what are you doing?"

Kurt sits on the edge of the bath and looks slowly and carefully at Blaine, really trying to figure him out and find the right words to say.

"Are you ok? You seemed a bit down in there."

"Yeah I'm fine, let's go," Blaine said, indicating the door and walking towards it until Kurt touches his elbow and he feels some of his steely resolve slip slightly.

"Blaine.... You can tell me you know. I'm always here." It is Kurt's expression of love and kindness that has Blaine in sudden tears and he feels such a fool but as he sits on the closed toilet, head in hands, he knows Kurt was always able to read him, always understand.

Kurt lets him cry lowly for a while, only rubbing his arm in a soothing way and soon Blaine can look at him again and apologise.

"God Kurt, I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly," Kurt says smiling, "You can always talk to me Blaine, you're my best friend and always will be."

Blaine looks up at that admission, his heart melting slightly. He always hoped he would at least be that to Kurt but the knowledge that he will only be that also hurts.

"Really? I thought Adam might have that role now," Blaine whispers, looking down.

"Oh a boyfriend can never replace a boy's best friend," Kurt chuckles and continues to rub along his arm. Blaine feels himself get warmer at the touch and smiles, knowing that they were both lover and best friend to each other in high school. It is possible to have friendship and love, all wrapped in one person and Blaine is glad that Adam can't have it all.

"What's been happening?" Kurt asks, "I feel like we haven't had a proper catch up in ages Blaine. I miss you."

"God Kurt I miss you too," Blaine says almost desperate at the thought of how much he has missed Kurt.

"Well let's have a dinner tomorrow night, just the two of us, a proper catch-up and you can tell me everything."

Blaine nods and smiles warmly at the idea but knows that not everything can be said and no amount of talking to Kurt will ever bring him what he truly wants.

xXx

Just before Blaine graduates, he is able to meet a top producer who advises him how best to get his voice heard and recognised. He schools him how to prepare demo tapes which he does and he manages to get an EP sorted to sell at the cafes, hotels and bars that he sings at during his time at NYADA. Blaine continues working hard and he doesn't let his gruelling work ethic slip, even though graduation is looming. Kurt and his parents are invited and Kurt feels tears shine in his eyes as he sees Blaine with his cap and gown – both of them achieving their dream and now onto bigger and better things.

Kurt has been able to secure smaller parts on Broadway in the last year since his own graduation, enough to continue living his dream and he auditions all the time in the hope that the next part will make him a big name. Many are impressed with his unique voice and the depth of the emotion he displays whilst singing so it's only a matter of time.

It is as Blaine returns to his apartment after another graduation party with all the seniors, that the phone rings and he answers it to hear an excited Kurt on the other end.

"Blaine!" he exclaims, "You'll never believe what's just happened, I can't believe it and I'm crying and laughing at the same time – is that even a thing?"

Blaine recognises the rush of Kurt's voice, the bubble of excitement and the speed in which he talks as signs of something exciting happening and he laughs at Kurt fondly until he is told the news.

"I'm engaged Blaine! Adam just proposed to me!"

And that is all Blaine hears. A rush of blood goes straight to his head, whirring in his ears, causing his eyes to blur and he doesn't hear the babbled details of the proposal, the excitement in Kurt's voice just washing over him as the news sinks in.

Kurt is engaged. To Adam. Kurt is happy.

The idea that Kurt will now be completely out of reach, will be completely separated from him, hurts him like nothing else before. He was sure that his heart never fully healed, now it is definite. This is how Blaine is going to die and he suddenly remembers to breathe as he hears Kurt sigh happily through the receiver.

"I just can't believe it Blaine, I mean I'm going to marry the love of my life, how many people get to say that? I mean I'm just so lucky."

"Yeah, really lucky Kurt – congratulations, I'm really happy for you." Blaine doesn't really hear the rest, it's now only excited babble and he agrees to meet Kurt for coffee in a few days and hangs up.

Blaine slowly sinks on the sofa and watches a few lights across the city switch off. His apartment is so high up, he never really felt the need for curtains or blinds and he watches the world gently go to sleep as he stares at the universe, wondering where it all went wrong.

xXx

Blaine meets up with Kurt three days later and is ashamed that this is the first time he has left his apartment since Kurt's phone call. He barely washed, his hair completely breaking free and the entire contents of his cupboards and fridge have been eaten but he makes an effort for Kurt, who barely notices that anything is different when they meet for coffee.

They hug closely, as always, especially when Kurt is without Adam, and Kurt's face is a picture of happiness. His grin could not be wider and Blaine realises he needs a moment and decides to order their drinks while Kurt finds them a table.

Blaine stands at the counter, one in a long line, and clenches and unclenches his fist in an effort to get control over himself. He always was proud that he could control his emotions, display his feelings appropriately. It had been a lesson he had learned the hard way through high school but as a consequence no one ever really knew what he suffered or how tormented he felt. This day was no exception and Blaine realised it would be his biggest acting challenge so far but he wanted so desperately to be happy for Kurt.

He had almost sorted his head as he sat in front of Kurt on the sofa seat but watching Kurt, bubbly and excited, relaying the details he already knew about the wedding, he struggled. Kurt and Adam had already set the date and booked the venue. They knew the general themes and colours and Blaine knew that the details revealed so far were Kurt's ideal wedding, the same details that Blaine and Kurt had discussed. The same ideas were in Kurt's wedding book that he had started compiling from the age of eight and Blaine could still picture the location and the outfits that Kurt had designed for the two of them.

"I wanted to ask you a very important question Blaine," Kurt said, his face a big grin and his eyes twinkling with happiness, "Will you be my best man?"

"Oh Kurt, I'm sorry but I already have a wedding of a friend from college on that day. Its wedding season then and I guess as its only six months away..." Blaine hated lying to Kurt and seeing the hurt cross his face almost made Blaine want to retract the statement and agree to anything Kurt asked.

"Oh," Kurt said simply and he looked down at his coffee, "I guess I understand."

He clearly didn't but Blaine maintained the lie and started talking about the catering and the outfits that Kurt had planned, hoping to distract Kurt with other details. Kurt soon brightened up and Blaine felt relieved.

It is as Kurt talks about the songs he wants to sing and have played at the wedding reception, that Blaine realises he just wants Kurt to be happy. He loves to see him smile, his beaming face a reflection of his inner beauty and Blaine never wants a tear to grace that face or a frown to crease that clear complexion. Blaine would do anything to make sure that never happened.

He realises what a friend he's been to Kurt, how he's thought only of his own sadness and his work and college, never Kurt's best interests and he has to acknowledge now that Adam makes Kurt happy.

He had thought, so many times, of telling Kurt how he feels, how he knows they belong together, but as time went on, life became more complicated and Kurt's relationship with Adam only stronger. He couldn't say it, there was never a moment. He was forever hoping that Kurt would realise it on his own but he never seemed to recognise their love for what it was and it only seemed to push him closer to Adam. Blaine looked at Kurt, in the coffee shop, finally content and excited about his future, and he knew he couldn't take that away, he knew he couldn't tell him how he felt now after all this time.

Blaine decides to walk through the park on his way home and he sees the couples, the families, the dogs and the joggers. He knows that there are happy people here and sad, knows that life is a mixture of the ups and downs but Blaine doesn't remember the happy. He hasn't had a relationship since Kurt, no one has even come close to catching his eye and as he noticed a couple whispering to each other and smiling warmly on a park bench, he realises he wants that, needs that in his own life. Kurt it seems has moved on, maybe he needs to do the same.

As he trolls the internet later, seeing the endless tumblr posts and blogs, people spilling their secrets to the vast unknown, he realises he could do the same. He could write his diary, his thoughts and feelings, his memories and use it to document everything but also to clear his mind. He would do it anonymously, never mentioning names but those posts could be his way to therapeutically explain himself and move on. Closure was all he needed, he was sure.

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

"Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start"

Maria Von Trapp had it right, I think when she sang 'Do Re Mi'. The beginning is always the best place to start but that song brings its own memories and I want to relay those too. He always loved the film, in fact, I know he was obsessed when he was a child and his mother used to take him along to see the film when it was showing at the cinema in town. He knew all the words, would record himself singing Maria's parts and I know for a fact that he made an outfit that resembled the costume worn by the children when they climbed the trees in the film. We would watch it every Christmas and I knew he dreamt of going to Austria to see all the famous landmarks used in the film. It made me chuckle and I loved watching him as we watched together. I could almost see the little boy shine through the teenage face.

The beginning was where I intended to start and what a memorable beginning it was. I was rushing to Warbler practice, our glee club most extraordinary, and running down the stairs when I was suddenly stopped by a sweet voice saying 'excuse me'.

He had said he was new there but I could tell from his poorly camouflaged jacket that he was an outsider, someone meant to spy out the competition, probably from that glee club from McKinley. I looked up and the dome of the roof above sent light cascading down over him, his clear complexion shone and his blue eyes twinkled. I could only smile and offer my hand, hoping to already see more of this boy, to know his name.

I sang to him, a song we had rehearsed well and as the other boys from my school gathered round to see our performance and dance along, he seemed to glow and bounce, his expression so happy, I could only smile in return. My friends and I knew he had come to spy so we offered him a coffee, which he kindly accepted and we sat and talked, his face becoming sheepish when he knew he had been caught. I knew my friend's simple promise of no harassment at our private school was a shock to him, knew he couldn't believe such a place existed. Dalton always was prestigious but it was so opulent and refined that bullying was simply beneath us. I took refuge in that school, tending my own wounds inflicted from my previous high school and I knew Kurt was having trouble at his current school. I asked my friends if they would excuse us.

I watched as that single tear slid down his porcelain face and I felt my heart break a little for him. He was being bullied and I could remember my own problems, where teachers would ignore the problem because I was gay. It was almost expected that I would encounter bigotry, I shouldn't be so surprised. I advised him to confront this bully, be courageous when I ran away, challenge the ignorance and I know now that he did.

I knew he was special when I met him, knew he would change my life. It seems a silly idea now, looking back that I could meet the love of my life on a stairwell but he was so striking standing above me but so fragile, I only wanted to keep him safe.

In the next few weeks we became firm friends and I sent him texts of 'courage' to show my support. I came to the school to confront his bully when things became unbearable and I stood by him, whenever I could. It was my own way of standing up and making sure I was counted. I had run once, I was now going to do what I could to make sure Kurt was never hurt.

Looking back at that time, I wish I could start all over again and really appreciate all of Kurt, all his beauty. Even then I took it for granted that he was there, loved spending time with him without realising what it meant. I could tell him anything and I loved being there for him in return. I wish I had known then what I know now.